Stung

So over the long weekend, RAH got mad at me. Like really, really mad. And he was sober and was piping hot mad. This never happens. Like ever. We've been together for 12 years and I've never seen him be mad at me like this while sober.

I take it as a sign of his growth but it was really uncomfortable. He has a lot of resentment towards me (as he should and is fully entitled to) and then he just exploded with resentment after I was being less than nice and little judgmental/controlling towards him.

This week I've tried to think of times when RAH and I have had big arguments when he was sober and I've been coming up completely short. All of our arguments have been when one of was drunk or when I was angry, not the other way around. It really sucks to have your spouse be mad at/with you. We ultimately talked it out and he apologized to me for being so upset with me NOW about the past but gosh, if I can empathize with anything that he's experiencing, it's trying (and sometimes failing) to let past hurts go (although I'm actively trying to learn from my resentments since I'm working my 4th step right now).

Then also over the long weekend, I got together with some old high school friends. We gossiped a lot and as I don't have Facebook any longer, I was informed about so and so being addicts and to my shock 2 of the people who were my past besties are now addicts - one a sober addict and the other is spiraling.



I have read so many times that alanoners, codependents, etc are attracted to addict personalities and I've been like 'nah, doesn't apply to me. RAH is my only addict relationship.' Then it turns out that all of my closest childhood friends are all closely effected by addiction or are currently battling with addict issues. Mind. Blown.

All of this and I've been feeling so serene lately. Just working on my stuff, taking care of myself and my littles, things have been going great with RAH. Then life totally came up and reminded me that dysfunction is STILL a part of my life and it always has been.

lizatola

Hugs, Stung. I can relate. That's why I always need my program no matter how good things are going. The disease, our disease, always rears it's ugly head when I least expect it and then it's like I've gotten run over by a ton of bricks.

And, yes, addiction is all around us even if we aren't truly aware of it.

redatlanta

Good to see you! I think it wih de like what you are explaining is good in your marriage? Sounds uncomfortable but could lead to better communication

RAH is the only addict/alcoholic I have been Romantically involved with. When I think about it I do know several people who are A's. and several addicts on the outskirts their problems with drinking have not affected my life, only their own.

I think it is true that Codie's would be attracted to A's. I am not most of my Ex have been non drinkers. I am definitely (formerly lol) attracted to people with a lot of problems. I am a sucker for a mental Illness or personality disorder.

I think there are so many alcoholic and addict it's common to know one or more.

HopefulinFLA

Yep me too! I never realized how MUCH dysfunction was in my life til I started alanon and reading on SR. I was so attracted to wounded birds and fixer-uppers. Even my most "normal" friend is now an A. I've found myself distancing from most of these people as i'm finding dysfunction repulsive. I just don't want to be a part of it anymore. It all makes me sad, but I really am craving healthier relationships these days.

LexieCat

I dunno, given the number of people who suffer from addiction, I think it's a good bet that most people have a friend or two (at LEAST) from their past or present who wind up with an addiction. Heck, I had about the most "normal" upbringing you could have--nobody would probably ever have pegged me as a future alcoholic (unless you saw me at a party in HS or college and even then I wasn't the only one). So I don't think that (in and of itself) necessarily means you have some kind of attraction to alcoholics/addicts in general.

And as for the argument, I think learning to "fight while sober" is a skill that's important for any alcoholic in recovery to learn. Sounds like you both navigated it OK.

Good to see ya--glad to hear things have been going so well!

firebolt

Yeah, til finding myself here, it had never crossed my mind that some of friends, several exes, and all the way to my boss are addicts. No idea how I set myself up this way - it is the opposite of everything I have wanted in life. Good job recognizing, counting the blessings in the middle of it all, and remembering your side of the street. You sound GREAT!

hopeful4

Oh Stung, I get it. It's quite a surprise to find out that not everything is solved by sobriety.

Keep on keeping on! XXX

iGirl66

What Hopefull4 said!

LemonGirl

this journey has definitely brought to light just how much dysfunction and addiction has run through my life with friends and family. In fact, that very fact has helped me solidify my feelings about where I want MY life to go. I feel like a darn martyr trying to fix where my life has been led. At almost 36 years of age, I am finally taking responsibility for my part.... for the fact that I can now take steps to change the course of my fate from where I came from and how it's gone so far....

I take a look at my friends, and most of us have been affected by abuse and/or alcoholic parents or mental illness, and most of my girlfriends are codies like me (totally unaware) or are alcoholics already.... It's quite scary.... I love them anyway, however. And I also have friends who are normies.

987g

I get that yes for most of us, we are attracted to dysfunction and saving people but at the same time, I think addiction is literally EVERYWHERE now. My dad said when he was young most people drank or smoked and every once in awhile, you'd hear about someone getting into harder drugs. But now? Now heroin and pills and all sorts of home made drugs are just around the corner. Addiction doesn't discriminate, at least not anymore.

Stung

I think to say that addiction is everywhere somehow minimizes my role in these relationships. I actually don't think it is everywhere to the point that I married an addict with addict parents and my best friend's mom is an addict and my childhood best friends are now addicts. There is a saying about how something happening once is a happenstance, twice is a coincidence and three times is a pattern. I have a pattern of having close people in my life grow into addicts in adulthood. (There are many variations of this phrase, third time is natural law, enemy action, etc.) I don't just know addicts, I have somehow formed my closest relationships with people who are addicts. It's a pattern that I've participated in for sure.

This weekend was also our wedding anniversary. I think it was the first time since even before our wedding that I had spent that day with him while he was sober. It was low key and nice and just really enjoyable.

I really like where my life is today and I'm feeling a little anxious about it all being gone or ruined somehow tomorrow. I need to go meditate and focus on letting my higher power take me where I need to be, even if it's not how I envision or what I want. Definitely need to practice letting things go right now. I am definitely foreboding joy right now too. "I'm so happy right now. Oh, crap this is all going to end very soon and I'm going to be miserable. Time to start planning for worst case scenarios."

Florence

A turning point for me was when I realized had a lot of dysfunction in all of my relationships -- not just with XAH and my mom. When I was able to see it, I realized I was more tolerant of all kinds of mental health issues, addiction, and inappropriate behavior than most people. Many of my friends had issues not only with addiction, but also depression, anxiety, poor boundaries, sexually inappropriate behavior, and more. At one time, I was very attracted to drama, and rather than avoiding it or being turned off by it (which I talked about frequently), I was suspicious if it was absent from my life. Being cognizant of this gave me the ability to move forward with compassion, stronger boundaries, and an awareness of the kinds of decisions and codependent "slips" I make that allow other people to disrupt my life by taking on their pain, bad habits, and their problems.

I remember asking my therapist, "So you mean not everyone lives with this kind of stress and dysfunction?" She laughed, said no. And I was still like, "Really? I mean, really?" Because I was so used to it that I was convinced that this was not only normal for me but for everyone else on the planet. My therapist assured me, no, if you want a peaceful life full of joy and abundance, it can be yours.

This came about when I found out that my first-ever boyfriend (Jr High days -- not serious) was in jail for murder over a drug deal gone wrong. And that my romantic partners were themselves mostly addicts, mentally unwell, or had issues with binging. And that two of my best friends who stopped calling when XAH was in and out of rehab were themselves addicts. The only common denominator in this equation was me.

I still have problems, but I am not overrun with dysfunction anymore. Thanks to my proximity to family and DD3's dad and his family's craziness, it's still around, but I don't have to participate in it at all.

hopeful4

Florence, I completely get what you are saying. I am having a hard time even thinking about dating anyone else even though it's been quite a while since I have divorced. I think every man is ultimately a big screwed up mess and that they all have issues in their closet that they very sneakily don't tell you about LOL. My rational mind knows that is not true, but I have a very hard time getting past those thoughts.

For now, I am just fine and dandy on my own!