ontherightpath

Hit my bottom this weekend. An emotional cesspool of sludge, self doubt, lack of self worth. I drank all weekend, and lied when confronted about it. Blamed it on anxiety meds.

I tend to make things worse than they really are, and this situation is probably no different.

I miss my ex husband. I hate that I miss him. But realistically, he was comfortable and familiar.
I want more time with my boyfriend. I truly have a wonderful man in my life, but our lives are busy. I am dreading summer and the busy schedules that having kids brings. I have a very close friend that went on a 7 day bender and somehow I feel responsible for it. Although I didn't make him drink. I numbed all of the anxiety with wine and now I am sitting wide awake at 230 in the am in midst of a huge panic. I can't live like this anymore! It must change. I have chased sobriety for a few years. It's time for me to surrender. I can't do this anymore.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

ACT10Npack

Well you are on SR to get help. That's a good start. Are you going to detox on your own or your doctor?

It feels like you dont like to be alone. What's the longest you ever been single for? I know someone who hated to be single but never like the man she dated or married because she though it was better to with someone she didn't like then be single and along.

ontherightpath

I'm just a mess. I'm so scared. I don't know of what. And so afraid that no one gets what going on in my mind. Like I'm just destined to be a lost soul. And a crappy parent. I'm trying to quit smoking. I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. And I somehow thought that drinking is going to make it better.
I haven't had a drink in 4 hours. I have no alcohol in this house. Even if for one hour at a time, I will not drink today. I need to get a sponsor. I need to live a program. I need to worry about right now, now yesterday or tomorrow. Ugh..... I'm falling apart.

SDH73

sounds like you're having a rough time of things, otrp. just take it one minute at a time if you have to.

ACT10Npack

Going through withdrawal s and everything is enhance. Maybe you need to see a ER doe detox.

ontherightpath

I was married for 14 years. And have been divorced for 6 months. I probably don't like to be alone. It's very unfamiliar to me. Actually I hate it. But that's not me clinging to my boyfriend. I do like him, a lot. I just wish I could spend more time with him.

I don't know that I am comfortable in my own skin. I mean who is when they constantly beat themselves down? I can't look in the mirror right now and find anything positive about myself, aside than me having a concience. And knowing that I have to feel this way for things to improve.
Fear has overtaken me. And I'm left standing here knowing I need to replace it with faith. But I am having trouble letting it go.

mecanix

Alcohol can make life an overwhelming experience .

Uncontrollable feelings running round .

Life without drinking is possible and there are ways to learn how to deal with life sober.

I hope you stick with it , keep on , m

Dee74

Hi ontherightpath.

I was in such a mess I have no idea how to begin to get out of it. Someone here very kindly told me it starts with not drinking for a day, then the next then the next...

make a plan so you can stay sober - many any and all the changes to your life and lifestyle you need to...

lean on the support here to help you do that and don't be afraid to look for other support as well if you need it.

Keep that up and after a while you'll be sober and with a strong recovery - then you can start looking at the other things in your life and try to fix them

There's some great ideas on recovery plans and getting started here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

start now. the greatest waves can come from the smallest of ripples.
Truly

D

ZaBoozer

Hey there OTRP,

Well you have got back on the bicycle. Now you need to pedal.

Things seem overwhelming now, but try not to look too far ahead. You have the right idea - one hour and one day at a time. You know, better than I, that you will be able to address these issues better when you have a bit of sober time under the belt.

Hang in there.

Best wishes

ZAB

ontherightpath

Thanks guy, I'm just really mulling over the last 6 months of my life and how downright awful it has been. I want to quit drinking so bad. I just haven't been honest with myself about it. I keep saying to myself that's it's ok to have a couple here and there. I feel so utterly defeated and broken and it's so hard to keep it all to myself. I just can't do it anymore. I reached out this weekend to a fellow aa member. She gets it. And she will work with me. I need to get focused and back to meetings and apply the principles to my life. I'm scared. I'm scared on so many levels that what happened yesterday will haunt me tomorrow. I'm scared that I will never be more than a failure.
And to the outside world, my life looks pretty good. It sickens me.

ZaBoozer

Hey otrp,

It sounds like you have a few unresolved issues. I do not think now is the time to try and resolve them though.

SR is a great place for support and to vent. I am sure you already aware of that.

Whatever happened in the past is done. There is nothing you can do to undo that. You need to let go of that fear for now. You need to live in the moment and get stronger. Baby steps. One day at a time.

Calicofish

Hi Ontherightpath:

I know exactly how you are feeling. I left my marriage last year (after 28 years) and then spent the last year in a downward spiral. I was circling the drain - depressed, lonely, bloated, fat and so full an anxiety I thought my heart was going to burst from my chest.

The alcohol will only make it worse. It makes the anxiety unbearable. My suggestion to you right now - don't try and stop smoking (do that later). Right now, just don't drink. I promise you that it will get better. You will feel badly for several days when detoxing and if it is really bad do seek medical help. It will take time.

I am now just over 90 days sober and while I still get lonely and problems are still around, I can tell you that things are so much better. To simply wake up with no hangover is a gift. I am no longer bloated. I've lost weight. My anxiety is normal. I went to a function this past weekend and people remarked on how wonderful and happy I looked. Someone called me beautiful.

And that was just in 3 months. Imagine how much better it's going to be in 6 months, 9 months, a year.

You can do this. Just don't drink - that's the key to the secret.

Hugs,
CF

ontherightpath

Thanks calico. The shame and guilt are definitely choking me as we speak. I just can't stop replaying the weekend over in my head.

What helps at the moment is knowing that I never have to feel this way again.

Ruby2

I know it's so hard to do but focus on what is right in front of you right now. Don't look at yesterday. Don't look at last week. Look to today and make today a good day.

I've been sober for a bit now but I still have moments where I yell at the kids and don't have the energy to deal with them. I learn from what triggered me to lose my temper and learn.

I divorced my first husband a long time ago. I immediately launched into a whirlwind of serial relationships looking for love in all the wrong places. Trying to fill some huge gaping holes in my self esteem with Mr. Right for right now. That ultimately made me feel even emptier than before because those relationships never lasted. I've remarried and even my current husband fell into that mold but we had children. Until I started focusing on myself and my sobriety, I was no good to anyone including me. Maybe put your boyfriend on the back burner at the moment and focus on you. It's a new relationship and there are far worse things than being lonely and that is not liking ourselves. It's great that you found someone to work with you.

Recriminations are useless today. Beating yourself up will only lead to more self loathing. Drinking today will not help you see a better tomorrow. We have your back. You can do this. Keep going and don't drink

ontherightpath

Woke up the start of day 2. Feeling better about some things. Not drinking yesterday being one of them.

ZaBoozer

Congratulations on day two.

CaseyW

Congrats on day two and on checking in here. Wishing you the best today!

noexcuse

OTRP, I can't count the number of Day 1s that I had where I felt exactly like you. My heart beating out of my chest, this feeling of utter hopelessness and imminent doom....like something horrible was on the cusp of happening and there was NOTHING that I could do to avoid it. The more I read on SR, the more I realized that this is not a unique feeling among us. I have found that the only solution to the anxiety and fear is time without alcohol. The fears don't come to fruition when alchohol is removed. Even if the worst happens, we are far more capable of handling the situation sober than we ever could drunk.

When we are drinking, our judgement is clouded and everything feels more extreme than it is. We see the things around us like an ocean during a storm, with every wave being the one that might make us drown. For me, it turns out I was in a bathtub and everything got a lot more calm when I stopped splashing.

ontherightpath

That's a great analogy. It's wednesday afternoon here, the Sun is shining and I am having a major craving at the moment. I'm tired, and a bit hungry. Think I'll snack and go for a run.

Thepatman

Skipping meals is not very recommended. An empty stomach bring cravings in my case.

Hydrate, eat, sleep, and be kind to yourself, with some ice cream ;-)