FedUp79

My husband and I have been together for over 15 years and he has an issue with drinking that he doesn't see as an issue at all. He drinks a 5 liter box of Franzia Chardonnay in less than 2 days and in addition to that he buys and polishes off 4 big single bottles of beer if he can't afford the wine. Then after those 4 are gone, he'll go back to the store for 4 more. My point is he drinks on such heavy excess to the point his eyes are blood red, talks like he's the most laid back man on the planet, embarrasses me because he chooses to drink outside on the front porch where all of the neighbors know that if he's holding a big plastic tumbler in his hand, it's not soda or water. They know he's drinking and it embarrasses me to the point I don't want to see or talk to anyone outside. He bitches all the time about not having money for bills and yet always has his alcohol. Yes, he also buys big bottles of vodka from time to time but his choice is a big box of Chardonnay. He denies any problem and makes me feel horrible for bitching and yelling about this. Claiming there's nothing wrong with his drinking and everyone would see it his way and not mine. What else can I do?

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome. Well, as you've discovered, bitching and yelling doesn't do a darned thing to help.

My STRONG suggestion would be to learn all you can about alcoholism (here, AA's Big Book, and Under the Influence are all good ways to start), and then get yourself to Al-Anon to learn better ways to cope with his behavior--detachment, setting boundaries (which are for YOU, not rules for him). Al-Anon will not help you "get him sober" (because, truly, if someone wants to keep drinking there is precious little you can do to get them to want to stop), but it will help you focus on yourself, and help you to get your head clear so you can make good chooses for yourself.

maia1234

Fedup, Welcome to SR and good for you for reaching out for help. It does sound like your husband has an issue with Alcohol. It also sounds like you have an issue with his drinking. But if he doesn't feel that way nothing is going to change. (rule 101 about alcoholics)

So what do you do know? You learn how to take care of yourself. Like Lexie says, you need hit an alanon meeting or open aa meeting. These meetings will be invaluable, to help you educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism. You can go on the AA or New to Recovery forum on Sober Recovery to educate yourself about this terrible disease.

So, you are asking what you can do?? Help yourself to learn how to detach with love. Keep posting and asking questions. There are many women and men here on this forum, with a wealth of knowledge. Hugs my friend, things do get better.

SeriousKarma

After more than fifteen years of watching him down box wine and beer it might be time for you to think about how to break the cycle that you've gotten into.

Your husband doesn't see his drinking as an issue because it isn't an issue........... for him. It is, however, an issue for you. You can talk at him until you're blue in the face and it won't make any difference because in his eyes he doesn't have a problem.

I agree with the others, change your focus away from him and onto you. Alanon is a great way to do this. I would also think about changing the way you address the issue when talking to him. Frame it as your problem. Not his. The statement "I have a problem with your drinking" can not be argued with. Where as "You're an alcoholic" never gets the result we're hoping for, and instead leads to pointless arguments.

This change in focus probably isn't going to change his drinking, but it can go a long way in keeping you emotionally healthy, and allow you to make decisions that are appropriate to your needs. And always remember you aren't walking this difficult path alone. We're here for you. (((((((( hugs ))))))))

dandylion

FedUp.....if you want your life to change....after 15yrs., it appears that you are going to have to be the one to do the changing.
From your description, he sound like he is pretty far along in his addiction,,,,and, since the disease is progressive....this is as good as it is going to be (unless HE decides to go for sobriety). Unless this happens...it will for sure, get worse.....

There is soo much to learn about this disease and how it affects the loved ones (who knew?).

The good news: You can do it....just like millions of other before you have done.......

You have thousands of stories of the others who have walked in your shoes...as well as an incredible collection of knowledge and information in the "stickies" at the top of the main page......especially, the one titled:
"Classic Readings".
You might want to start reading the book: "CoDependent No More"---it is a highly recommended book in these parts.....

You will have to become the agent of change in your own life.....

dandylion