Duckygirl1

it is more common than not in the restaurant industry that the staff have a "shift drink". Usually, but not always, at the end of the night. I usually don't as I find it hard to work without my brain though somehow my crew manages. Last night the guys on the line had a few more beers than usual and I decided to have a rare Chardonnay. Then a margarita. Well, that was all she wrote. It was the end of the night so I was just cleaning up and heading home. I felt great! Sort of light and bouncy and happy. I was future tripping a bit, celebrating some goals accomplished and feeling forgiving towards all humanity. The streets here are always buzzing in summer and music is coming from all of the clubs so I'm bopping my little head.

I thought to myself "Man, I wish I could feel this great all of the time!"
That's when it hit me. That's what the ex was trying to do. He was trying to feel up like this ALL of the time. Even when I thought he was out of it, wasted. That was his feeling great. And it worked for awhile. Until one day it turned on him. Dear God, I think I get it. . .kinda. Needless to say, that was my last shift drink.

I forgave him sometime ago, but it was a general more for my benefit forgiveness. This is the first time I ever felt pity for him.

searching peace

That definitely sounds like an aha moment. I am not an A. But I like to drink occasionally and get that light headed feeling. It helps me be less self conscious and able to enjoy the evening. I do not drink alcohol every night, every week or even every month. My light headed drinking is far and few between. And while it would be fun to "escape" more often. I would much rather have my wits about me and be able to have real reactions and behaviors. I know some alcoholics say they drink to escape, but the difference is that most of the time it is genetic and they don't have the ability to not drink without working a program very hard. My stbxah's counselor told me once that my A's brain wasn't wired like non A's and in order for him to feel normal he had to drink to connect the wires. I imagine with some A's it does begin like you said. My stbxah has been drinking heavily since he was about 12. He is about to turn 51. So his seems more like a disease than a choice to escape and be happy.

LemonGirl

That is what I believe my ex was shooting for as well....

But often, it would lead to uncontrollable bouts of crying and worry and anxiety, depression. It's crazy because he always seemed to be a "happy" drunk if I were actually there with him. But boy, if I wasn't? His mind would just wander into the swamp of sadness.

I agree with you.... I think it started off as a journey to just party and be loose.... but it has turned on him as well.

searching peace

I'm sorry. It is very sad and devastating to all involved regardless of how it started. I firmly believe the best thing we can ever do for them is to work our own program and become healthy ourselves. It is so hard, and I still don't know how the people on here have the strength to go no contact. But I am hoping to be that healthy one day!

Hawkeye13

That feeling is exactly what I drank to achieve but after so many years it stopped working.

The journey from sober to "happy feeling" to "the rest of the crap" got so short it was like "happy feeling" was a station the drunk train stopped pulling into.

I'd see "happy feeling" flash by in a few minutes, knowing I was on my way to hell, and I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out how to stop the train and save myself. . .

Hawkeye13

. . . until I stopped drinking

redatlanta

Yeah I agree with you. My husband says there was a turning point when he was no longer happy when he drank, and he kept trying to get back to those days when drinking was fun. Here and there he would which I guess was enough to keep on trucking. In the end (the last couple of years) he never had "good times". I suppose when you take your last drink at 2 am and your first at 7am that's to be expected.

LemonGirl

When my ex and I first started talking about his problem with alcohol I would tell him that I knew he wasn't having any fun drinking.... and eventually he would admit that he was in fact not having any fun.