Riddled with guilt
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Riddled with guilt
I am feeling riddled with guilt. I feel sad and sorry for my sons father.. He can only see his son supervised so far it's going well I think however I don't believe I can ever trust him alone with my son and that he will have to always be supervised ... Am I just projecting my trauma and fears onto my son and his fathers relationship... Maybe he won't abuse my son the way he abused me because I am no longer in the picture. I feel like this horrible person
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Have you read the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft? He also has another book about the abuser as a parent. I think there a few of the Lundy Bancroft books that might be helpful to you. I understand your feeling guilty, but your sons fathers actions caused this, not you. You are trying to protect your son from any unnecessary pain and hurt and abuse. You are being a good mom. Lundy Bancroft also has a website that might be of help to you. Take care and try not to be so hard on yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
No you are not projecting your own trauma and fears onto their relationship.
You are making a rational and sensible decision based on what you know about this man. And protecting your son is the obvious best decision you have made based on that information.
It is as simple as that.
You are making a rational and sensible decision based on what you know about this man. And protecting your son is the obvious best decision you have made based on that information.
It is as simple as that.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Best to live in the "now" rather than live in the future.
Now your EX has not exhibited any behavior other than that which demands supervised visits. That could change, he has the ability to make choices that would make things different. No one is stoping him but him.
I'm sure you would feel much more guilty if your son was hurt by your EX for the sake of allowing the EX unsupervised visitation.
Now your EX has not exhibited any behavior other than that which demands supervised visits. That could change, he has the ability to make choices that would make things different. No one is stoping him but him.
I'm sure you would feel much more guilty if your son was hurt by your EX for the sake of allowing the EX unsupervised visitation.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Men who are abusers and/or alcoholics are NOT people who can be trusted as parents. But your belief that he will NEVER be able to have unsupervised visitation is future-tripping. All that matters is that for RIGHT NOW supervised visitation is appropriate. When/if he recovers and is solidly sober and you can SEE the change, then perhaps you can revisit whether supervision is still necessary. Right now that is all hypothetical. One day at a time.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I think you may be relating to the ghost of who you'd like your son's father to be, not to who he is at this moment.
I think there is always nostalgia when someone we love and have such hopes for does not choose a healthy path. And in your case, you are expanding that nostalgia into a projection that your son's father can be/is now that healthy person.
He isn't. He hasn't chosen to be healthy. He made that choice, not you. You have nothing to do with how he chooses to live.
So, since you don't have the power to make him change or be who you want him to be, you have no basis for feeling guilty over what he chooses.
This applies to all of us, not just you. We can't control anyone else's behavior, no matter how noble our intent is. This was one of the hardest things for me to grasp when I was in my marriage with my alcoholic husband. It just WASN'T MY CHOICE how HE LIVED. That was arrogance on my part to think I had the right to make his life choices for him.
So, if you can detach from your vision of what your son's father could be, should be, would be if he were wise, then all that is left is who he chooses to be at this moment.
And that means that he is responsible for the consequences of his choices; you are not. To me, finally "getting" this was an important step for me. I think I had merged myself with my ex husband into kind of "one entity" in which he behaved as badly as he wanted and my role was to protect and feel the consequences of what he had done and fix whatever happened as a result.
In de-tangling myself from my unwitting perception that we were functioning as a "two-person/one being" entity, I got free to be myself and let him be himself. Imagine one of those kids' races where two kids each have one of their legs tied to the other, then have to race down the field as a badly functioning unit. That's what we do when we are enmeshed with the behavior of an alcoholic or addict. They fall, we fall. They go left, we go left.
That just isn't the truth of life. His leg is no longer tied to yours. When he falls, you still stand straight now. What you need to work on now is changing your perception: you are still feeling emotionally accountable for the consequences of his actions. You don't need to, and when you truly understand this, I think your guilt and anxiety will fall away. That's what happened for me.
There is hope, there is a much happier and calmer life out there for you. I'm just about three years out now, and it is a different world, lovely, peaceful, and there is joy. I wish that for you, too.
ShootingStar1
I think there is always nostalgia when someone we love and have such hopes for does not choose a healthy path. And in your case, you are expanding that nostalgia into a projection that your son's father can be/is now that healthy person.
He isn't. He hasn't chosen to be healthy. He made that choice, not you. You have nothing to do with how he chooses to live.
So, since you don't have the power to make him change or be who you want him to be, you have no basis for feeling guilty over what he chooses.
This applies to all of us, not just you. We can't control anyone else's behavior, no matter how noble our intent is. This was one of the hardest things for me to grasp when I was in my marriage with my alcoholic husband. It just WASN'T MY CHOICE how HE LIVED. That was arrogance on my part to think I had the right to make his life choices for him.
So, if you can detach from your vision of what your son's father could be, should be, would be if he were wise, then all that is left is who he chooses to be at this moment.
And that means that he is responsible for the consequences of his choices; you are not. To me, finally "getting" this was an important step for me. I think I had merged myself with my ex husband into kind of "one entity" in which he behaved as badly as he wanted and my role was to protect and feel the consequences of what he had done and fix whatever happened as a result.
In de-tangling myself from my unwitting perception that we were functioning as a "two-person/one being" entity, I got free to be myself and let him be himself. Imagine one of those kids' races where two kids each have one of their legs tied to the other, then have to race down the field as a badly functioning unit. That's what we do when we are enmeshed with the behavior of an alcoholic or addict. They fall, we fall. They go left, we go left.
That just isn't the truth of life. His leg is no longer tied to yours. When he falls, you still stand straight now. What you need to work on now is changing your perception: you are still feeling emotionally accountable for the consequences of his actions. You don't need to, and when you truly understand this, I think your guilt and anxiety will fall away. That's what happened for me.
There is hope, there is a much happier and calmer life out there for you. I'm just about three years out now, and it is a different world, lovely, peaceful, and there is joy. I wish that for you, too.
ShootingStar1
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