Back at square one but worse

Old 05-09-2015, 06:35 PM
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Back at square one but worse

I have been reading but not really posting over the past months since my mother went into detox back in February. She never entered any program but has been white knuckling sobriety. I have seen some red flags but working on detaching even though the writing has been on the wall. Well tonight the other shoe dropped.

She was just taken to the hospital by paramedics. She was on the phone with her out of state boyfriend and apparently passed out. He was concerned enough about her state that he called 911 and when they got there she was so intoxicated that she doesn't know what day of the week it is or her own address. They called me and my sister saying they needed one of us to come out and be with her or take her in because they are using up resources being out there for someone who is just drunk. I filled them in on her past and told them I am 9 months pregnant, a week from my due date. I can't be rushing out there. I can't let this stress put me into labor. My sister couldn't go either so they took her in on a mental health forcible admission. My sister is going to take the lead to figure out how she will get detoxed. Apparently sister had more information about how bad Mom has been this last week.

I am stepping back as much as I can from the situation. Trying to stay off the merry go round. Trying to keep me and my baby healthy. But I'm also scared, sad, and so angry. I knew this would happen eventually since she isn't in recovery but it still is just so hard. I know now that I need to focus on my own recovery doubly. What little trust she had been rebuilding is again crushed and here I am about to have her grandchild. I have a lot of thinking to do about her and my relationship and what I need to do to keep myself and my family out of the fog.

Proud of myself for at least not rushing out there, for telling the police they needed to take her if she's that intoxicated... old me would have gone and put myself in the middle.

Just needed to vent this here. Thanks for reading and sorry if its just a long jumble of thoughts.
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Old 05-09-2015, 08:43 PM
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Wow, so sad, sorry. Forced is probably the best for now. Let it go the best you can and concentrate on your pregnancy for now. From my experience there is always another crisis, and another one, till there isn't. My emotional detachment is what helped me. It can be difficult to get to that point, and it's not with anger, just survival.
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Old 05-10-2015, 12:29 AM
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Getting that baby baked is your first priority. I remember collapsing into an angry, sobbing heap onto my kitchen floor at roughly 18-ish weeks with spawn #5, after The Incident with AM no that lead to my NC. It's a wonder I didn't put myself into the hospital, I was in such bad shape. Family screaming at me to do something - from 3,000 miles away... demanding I get my older two on a plane back to WA immediately (were they going to pay the airfare? No? Ok then, I'm broke, too!)... and then screaming at me for taking the kids away from AM because she would just drink more without them. I had made calls and sent them to my dad in Ohio for the rest of their summer break. It was madness. But in that moment, with Mr. Grits by my side, I made the decision to put my children and myself first. That was the only control I had, and they truly needed me. AM was an adult who could figure it out for herself (or not, and that wasn't my problem). The relief I felt... Oh, that sweet relief. Wouldn't change a thing about that decision. Put yourself and that precious baby first. Wishing you an easy, uneventful delivery.

I recommend sitting positions and leaning forward either standing over the bed or on your knees in it. If they have a birthing ball or tub, take advantage of both! I wish I could have tons more babies, but we're done. The plumbing is being taken out on July 15th!
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Old 05-10-2015, 04:28 AM
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Thanks for the support guys. On top of all that I woke this morning to find my two cats hanging out in the bathtub with a sluggish but live BAT. It has been captured and health department says to bring it in tomorrow to get tested for rabies. If it was rabid then the cats need immediate vet care to be sure they weren't exposed. I think they are up to date on their shots but I have to go rooting around in my records to be sure. O/T I know but just another layer of stress today!

I slept very poorly when I finally could shut my mind off. I kept waking up (other than the usual pregnancy trips to the loo) and starting to have my mind spin, and had to just repeat to myself that it does me no good to worry or ruminate over my AM as it won't change anything, I just need to focus on keeping me and baby healthy, which means resting.

NWGrits, I have fantasies of going no contact with her but I haven't gotten to that place yet. We have always been close, too close really (codependent), so it has been a process to detach to our current level of contact. But I am realizing that unless she is working a program (and I suppose even then) I need to keep my expectations lower than before. And know that maybe she will never improve. This is a progressive disease and I refuse to allow my little family (husband, child, and I, along with any future children) to be affected by her choices.

It was a very scary phone call, from her housemate who was not home, that an ambulance was on ts way to her house and they didn't know why. I jumped to worst case scenario thinking she had had a heart attack or something, and to be honest I felt a bit of disappointment when the trooper called and said that she was "just drunk"... like at least if she had had a serious health crisis maybe it would give her a wake up call. Or to be really honest on here, if she had passed suddenly then she would be out of her misery and we wouldn't keep having this happen. Seeing her on the slow decline is terrible, and I do feel guilty having those thoughts but it is the truth.

I'll find out more this morning from my sister about what happened last night and where Mom is. I can't just go PollyAnna and send her a nonchalant "Happy Mother's Day!" text like I normally would. Awkward.

But to you, NWGrits, and all the other mothers on this forum, I do wish you a very Happy Mother's Day!
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Old 05-10-2015, 06:16 AM
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Apparently the hospital didn't call my sister when they were going to release my mother, as they said they would. She was released at 3am and they said she took a cab. Sister plans on going out to her house if she can't get ahold of her by phone (so far no answer).

My sister is definitely still holding the rope. But I have to let her make her own choices about how involved with the drama she wants to be. I hope my mother chooses to seek treatment but since a) I have zero control over that and b) I have much more pressing things on my plate right now, I am just going to try to go about my life. Still pondering how to/whether to acknowledge Mother's Day to AM today... feeling the tug of FOG there.

The bat scenario is scarier than I thought and really what has me wrapped around the axle right now. The cats vaccines had lapsed so if the bat is rabid they will likely have to be put down due to their exposure. There is no way to test a live animal for rabies and the only other option is a 6 month quarantine in a state facility. I can't imagine the financial cost and the psychological effect that would have on them, and there is no guarantee they wouldn't get sick within that time frame and have to be put down anyway. I feel deep regret that I let their vaccines lapse. They are my fur babies and I would never forgive myself if they lost their lives because of me. The hopeful side is that in my state, on average only 5% of bats captured test positive, and in the first quarter of this year, out of the 111 bats tested, none have tested positive.
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Old 05-10-2015, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by AnybodyNobody View Post
The bat scenario is scarier than I thought and really what has me wrapped around the axle right now. The cats vaccines had lapsed so if the bat is rabid they will likely have to be put down due to their exposure.
Ya, that's pretty standard. We have bats in the attic here, and once in a great while (it's happened twice in 8 years), one will get into our apartment -- the last time one got in, I killed it with a tennis racket (I know you're not supposed to do that, but the thing wouldn't fly out the window, so what was I supposed to do?). I would not even tell the vet about it, because their hands are tied by law -- as you found out, they are required to euthanize a cat that even might have come in contact with a rabid bat. So we just don't go there at all -- if we thought one of them had been exposed, we'd just lock them in a room and ride it out for a week or so until either they got sick or they didn't, and regulatory authorities need not be the wiser. But most bats aren't rabid anyway -- there's a lot of public hysteria about it, but it's not that common....

T
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Old 05-10-2015, 11:05 PM
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There really is no One Size Fits All solution to any of this. There isn't even one to the issue of addiction. It's so hard. I'm a strong advocate of NC, especially to the super codependent (which is like regular codependent, but with a cape), because going cold turkey is sometimes the only way we can start to restore (or even discover) our sanity. But everyone is different and we're all in different places in our recovery. I just know the peace it brought to me and my family, and I want that for all of us.
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Old 05-14-2015, 05:02 PM
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I'm so glad to hear that you know your boundaries need to be in firm healthy condition for you to be able to have any kind of healthy relationship with your mom.

My two cents... you have enough to think about right now - take some months off from even trying to keep track of what's happening with her! You get to do that.
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Old 05-14-2015, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS View Post
Getting that baby baked is your first priority.
grits!!! where's that hand-slapping, laughing smiley....
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Old 05-24-2015, 12:36 PM
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Well baby boy is here! He is just perfect and my husband and I are really in love with our little family.

Meanwhile my AM is MIA emotionally, and has not come to meet him yet. She texts occasionally asking how we are doing but then doesn't respond when I ask how she is or if she knows whenshe will be back in town (she is staying with her out of state bf at the moment, running away from her last episode here in my opinion). I am struggling, perhaps partially due to hormones, with detaching. I feel like texting her confronting the fact that she doesn't respond to my question of how she's doing, but I know that would serve neither of us.

I am feeling grief that she is so unavailable, that I can't trust her. I am annoyed by how unpredictable her behavior is (predictably unpredictable, the come here-go away thing she does). I don't know if she will stay away or suddenly reappear wanting to be a part of our lives. My husband expressed that he doesnt want her spending any unsupervised time with the baby at all and doesn't want me and baby riding in the car with her. I agree frankly but don't know if I should bring up these boundaries with her now or wait to see if she even attempts to be close to us when(if) she returns.

Trying not to ruminate and give her my brain space but it is hard when everyone says "oh your mom must be so happy!" But she is just not even present.

Thanks for letting me vent here, SR.
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Old 05-24-2015, 01:27 PM
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Congrats. A boy! So wonderful. It's ok to want your mom there. That's what mom's are supposed to do and child birth recovery takes time. Don't confront your mom right now. Don't mention your boundaries. Just let life happen.
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Old 05-25-2015, 02:20 PM
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For me, I feel like some boundaries can be just known to you and you act on them. Others will need to be stated.

Granted, in the beginning I have been "loud and proud" of my boundaries. Calling out the abusive names I've been called and that I will no longer tolerate it. I wonder if my speaking out loud about abusive behavior I no longer want in my life was both for the person hearing it...but more so, to hear myself say it. That the person that needs to understand the boundaries the best...is me.

I've got similar stuff with a brother that says he wants to find common ground/compromise yet balks at any invite to actually talk about stuff. It's really weird honestly. I'm not going to hold his hand.

like you said, e-mails don't get returned, phone calls don't get returned, etc. Sometimes he responds sometimes not. I'm trying very hard not to take control (ask for a third time and I'm now trying to control). I try to know what I want and act on it. I WANT to have that difficult conversation with him, but he also has to be willing. What's odd, is the one I'm talking about we're not officially estranged and I don't think he has a drinking problem to my knowledge.
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Old 05-25-2015, 05:47 PM
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Congrats on the baby boy! Focus on him now and let it go with your mom. When I was in the hospital I had one visit from my foo and didn't care a bit. It would be best if he didn't have anything to do with your mom. I know that sounds harsh, but just what I did. Hormones are now raging and any decisions made now should probably be revisited in a couple months.
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Old 05-25-2015, 05:56 PM
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Congrats on your baby boy
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