For Those Of You Raising Grandchildren Because of Your Addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: South Alabama
Posts: 12
For Those Of You Raising Grandchildren Because of Your Addict
I can't be the only one in this situation. I have a couple of questions.
1. Do you get child support for the children?
2. Do you feel guilty for asking for it?
DD refused to work after months of begging her to. I finally got DHR involved and get $190 for 2 kids per month. They are now trying to go after DD with a support order. I feel guilty for causing her more trouble but I am single and don't have any other financial help. Kids always need clothes, school needs money etc. When I try to explain this to my DD she gets angry and I get the all you care about is money speech and she hangs up.
3. What do you tell your grandchildren about their parent?I have so far told my granddaughters ages 11 and 9 that their mom is sick and that she has a addiction to pain pills. They are old enough now to know this from seeing it first hand. How can you possible explain all of the bad choices she has made to them? They are old enough to figure out now that mom had a choice to call them or not every day and to come see them at least a couple of times a month. How do you make up for that? It has to hurt them emotionally.
1. Do you get child support for the children?
2. Do you feel guilty for asking for it?
DD refused to work after months of begging her to. I finally got DHR involved and get $190 for 2 kids per month. They are now trying to go after DD with a support order. I feel guilty for causing her more trouble but I am single and don't have any other financial help. Kids always need clothes, school needs money etc. When I try to explain this to my DD she gets angry and I get the all you care about is money speech and she hangs up.
3. What do you tell your grandchildren about their parent?I have so far told my granddaughters ages 11 and 9 that their mom is sick and that she has a addiction to pain pills. They are old enough now to know this from seeing it first hand. How can you possible explain all of the bad choices she has made to them? They are old enough to figure out now that mom had a choice to call them or not every day and to come see them at least a couple of times a month. How do you make up for that? It has to hurt them emotionally.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi daisy, thank goodness for the unsung heroes of the world like grandparents saving their GCs from the turmoil of an addicted parent.
1. Of course you should get child support. Children are expensive, and being chronically short of money in childhood can be scarring. If you can, let DHR handle it for you, and don't get too involved yourself because your DD isn't going to want to give up her drug money, whatever you say. Given this, if she has to be forced by threat of prison or however it works, so be it. Remember, this is the childrens' money, that you are receiving on their behalf, and for their welfare.
2.I think what you've told your GCs about is adequate at this stage. The 11yo might start asking more complicated questions soon, but you can't see inside your AD's head, and you're not obliged to explain to her in detail. You can stick to 'her addiction rules her, and she has trouble with thinking beyond that' which is true and understandable. As for how you make up for her behaviour, well you're doing it now. They will be hurt, but children are resilient and you are their stability and rock.
1. Of course you should get child support. Children are expensive, and being chronically short of money in childhood can be scarring. If you can, let DHR handle it for you, and don't get too involved yourself because your DD isn't going to want to give up her drug money, whatever you say. Given this, if she has to be forced by threat of prison or however it works, so be it. Remember, this is the childrens' money, that you are receiving on their behalf, and for their welfare.
2.I think what you've told your GCs about is adequate at this stage. The 11yo might start asking more complicated questions soon, but you can't see inside your AD's head, and you're not obliged to explain to her in detail. You can stick to 'her addiction rules her, and she has trouble with thinking beyond that' which is true and understandable. As for how you make up for her behaviour, well you're doing it now. They will be hurt, but children are resilient and you are their stability and rock.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Daisy))
First let me say - my heart goes out to you & your GC ~ this is not an easy path.
I know they did not ask for this & neither did you.
But life is life & we deal as we can right?
We are raising our now 11 yr old granddaughter - she has been with us full time since she was 6 (off and on before that for a yr & half) Her mom passed away just before she turned 5 & her Dad (my hubby's son) tried to raise her but the disease, his grief and his unwillingness to be a full time parent caused him to not make wise choices with her safety so we stepped in & asked to take her full time & he willingly let her live with us.
Little by little as time has gone by she has discovered he is an alcoholic & addict; we talk about how it's a disease and if he was healthier hopefully he would make better choices. She is in grief counseling for the loss of her mother & her counselor also helps her with her issues with her dad.
As far as financially, because we receive some financially support from her mother passing, we decided not to file against her dad.
He is extremely angry & violent at some times and we felt it was the wiser thing to avoid confrontation with him and for her sake too. At least now, he does visit with her a few times a year.
That is our personal choice - you have the right to decide what is healthiest for you & your GC.
We also decided as a preventative measure, to not allow her to spend much time alone with him ~ it was just not safe for her emotionally.
These have not been easy decisions, we have struggled with them, changed our minds a few times & then changed again.
It is mainly dealing with what is healthy and respectful for her ~ she deserves it and we have to be the ones to teach her that she deserves self-respect and honor from everyone - even her father.
Hang in there ~ although this is not an easy path - it is a very rewarding one, when you can rest at night knowing they are safe, physically & mentally.
pink hugs
First let me say - my heart goes out to you & your GC ~ this is not an easy path.
I know they did not ask for this & neither did you.
But life is life & we deal as we can right?
We are raising our now 11 yr old granddaughter - she has been with us full time since she was 6 (off and on before that for a yr & half) Her mom passed away just before she turned 5 & her Dad (my hubby's son) tried to raise her but the disease, his grief and his unwillingness to be a full time parent caused him to not make wise choices with her safety so we stepped in & asked to take her full time & he willingly let her live with us.
Little by little as time has gone by she has discovered he is an alcoholic & addict; we talk about how it's a disease and if he was healthier hopefully he would make better choices. She is in grief counseling for the loss of her mother & her counselor also helps her with her issues with her dad.
As far as financially, because we receive some financially support from her mother passing, we decided not to file against her dad.
He is extremely angry & violent at some times and we felt it was the wiser thing to avoid confrontation with him and for her sake too. At least now, he does visit with her a few times a year.
That is our personal choice - you have the right to decide what is healthiest for you & your GC.
We also decided as a preventative measure, to not allow her to spend much time alone with him ~ it was just not safe for her emotionally.
These have not been easy decisions, we have struggled with them, changed our minds a few times & then changed again.
It is mainly dealing with what is healthy and respectful for her ~ she deserves it and we have to be the ones to teach her that she deserves self-respect and honor from everyone - even her father.
Hang in there ~ although this is not an easy path - it is a very rewarding one, when you can rest at night knowing they are safe, physically & mentally.
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When I try to explain this to my DD she gets angry and I get the all you care about is money speech and she hangs up.
We have to do right by and be the advacates for our grandchildren even if that means alienating adult children who are making bad choices.
Allow DHR to do what they must and try and not have money conversations with your daughter.
I think you are doing the best you can with such a very difficult situation, those children are lucky to have you in their lives. Honesty with them is so important.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
Daisy, you have all my admiration and praise for doing such an unselfish thing. Over the years I have known quite a few people in your situation and the kids were very well-adjusted. What I noticed was that the grandparent(s) did everything to keep the kids involved in school, after school activities, extracurricular activities, scouts, etc. anything you do that can connect her to her peers and other parents who understand the situation is a good thing. I know it's not a replacement for her mom, but being surrounded by love and friendship will surely soften the edges.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Daisy, we have many grandmothers raising the children here and at least one great grandmother who is a terrific parent raising her great grand daughter almost from birth.
To you all I say "God bless you all and God bless the children". There is a special place in heaven for angels like you.
hugs
To you all I say "God bless you all and God bless the children". There is a special place in heaven for angels like you.
hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: South Alabama
Posts: 12
I am so glad that I reconnected with this board after so many years. I had almost forgotten about it. All of the advice or suggestions I have read the last few days remind me that I am not alone . There are days when it feels like it. Unless you have been in this situation it is very hard to explain it to others. I have a wonderful boss who truly understands. Her ex was a alcoholic so she tries to encourage me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
2. Do you feel guilty for asking for it?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>
With all due respect, why the hell would you feel guilty asking for help
(government or otherwise) with raising these kids. That is what these
assistance structures are FOR. Don't allow yourself to be brainwashed
by these "Mountain Man/independent" types. In my experience (as a self
made man....for REAL) ..... these pussies are the FIRST to fold under
REAL pressure.
These structures are not 'giveaways', they are formed from hard-learned
lessons that NOT investing in children NOW is penny wise and pound foolish.
If you want to be vulgar---- it is government being cynical and investing in kids
so they will be productive taxpayers----and that investing a few cents today
yields major dividends in the future.
I'm not a one percenter----but I am a 2.5 percenter. The guilt is on the
body politic. $190/mo for 2 kids? THAT is the crime. $1900 would be something
akin to what the more advanced social democracies invest.
I've been to South Alabama, beautiful country and friendly people.
Do you want to know what is rare and precious in this world? People who
step up to the plate and DO what needs doing, the way a social species DOES.
Fair warning from the duck: Any more talk of 'guilt' for being the only reliable
adult in these kids lives-------and you are going to get a serious Vale-duck verbal
butt kicking.
Ask the locals here........it's not pretty....duck poop EVERYWHERE!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>
With all due respect, why the hell would you feel guilty asking for help
(government or otherwise) with raising these kids. That is what these
assistance structures are FOR. Don't allow yourself to be brainwashed
by these "Mountain Man/independent" types. In my experience (as a self
made man....for REAL) ..... these pussies are the FIRST to fold under
REAL pressure.
These structures are not 'giveaways', they are formed from hard-learned
lessons that NOT investing in children NOW is penny wise and pound foolish.
If you want to be vulgar---- it is government being cynical and investing in kids
so they will be productive taxpayers----and that investing a few cents today
yields major dividends in the future.
I'm not a one percenter----but I am a 2.5 percenter. The guilt is on the
body politic. $190/mo for 2 kids? THAT is the crime. $1900 would be something
akin to what the more advanced social democracies invest.
I've been to South Alabama, beautiful country and friendly people.
Do you want to know what is rare and precious in this world? People who
step up to the plate and DO what needs doing, the way a social species DOES.
Fair warning from the duck: Any more talk of 'guilt' for being the only reliable
adult in these kids lives-------and you are going to get a serious Vale-duck verbal
butt kicking.
Ask the locals here........it's not pretty....duck poop EVERYWHERE!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
Hi Daisy, I'm new to the whole grandparent with custody (at least for now) thing. We have had my 2 YO granddaughter for 6 weeks now due to both my son & his GFs H addictions.
Here is my input:
1. Not yet, but working with our State's Economic Svcs on getting the mom's TANF grant closed out, which will enable us to receive the "TANF-Child Only" grant portion. This required me to complete forms for both my son & the mom to allow the state to go after them for Child Support. They have no income, so I don't know how this will work, but so be it.
2. I REFUSE to feel guilty for seeking the portion my GD is entitled to and ensuring the assistance doesn't continue to be deposited bi-monthly onto a prepaid card in Mom's name. Mom is NOT the one caring for her daughter right now. I am. It's bad enough this takes so long and that from what I am told, money was deposited (for mom) on 5/1 for this month, and I probably won't see any $$ until 6/1, but I digress.
3. I am not experiencing the issue you describe due to the age of my GD. My heart goes out to you and I often remind myself to be thankful she is too young to understand what is going on. She is adjusting well and absolutely thriving in a (now) stimulating environment. I hope with everything in me that her parents (or at least one of them) can get it together before she is old enough to question what is happening and why they aren't with her.
Big hugs to you!
WWD
Here is my input:
1. Not yet, but working with our State's Economic Svcs on getting the mom's TANF grant closed out, which will enable us to receive the "TANF-Child Only" grant portion. This required me to complete forms for both my son & the mom to allow the state to go after them for Child Support. They have no income, so I don't know how this will work, but so be it.
2. I REFUSE to feel guilty for seeking the portion my GD is entitled to and ensuring the assistance doesn't continue to be deposited bi-monthly onto a prepaid card in Mom's name. Mom is NOT the one caring for her daughter right now. I am. It's bad enough this takes so long and that from what I am told, money was deposited (for mom) on 5/1 for this month, and I probably won't see any $$ until 6/1, but I digress.
3. I am not experiencing the issue you describe due to the age of my GD. My heart goes out to you and I often remind myself to be thankful she is too young to understand what is going on. She is adjusting well and absolutely thriving in a (now) stimulating environment. I hope with everything in me that her parents (or at least one of them) can get it together before she is old enough to question what is happening and why they aren't with her.
Big hugs to you!
WWD
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: South Alabama
Posts: 12
I am so glad to know that I am not crazy and that others think that I am doing the right thing. My head knows this but my heart is still trying to catch up to the process. I appreciate all of the heartfelt replies I have gotten over the last few days.
How do our addicts fix their lives when they are so messed up? That is of course after they decide it's time to stop using. Many face jail time and are homeless. They may have no car and no real friends although they have plenty of drug buddies. Where do they start? There are not a lot of resources in our area. If they can't live at home where does that leave them? I struggle with this last one.
I refuse to let her addiction/insanity destroy my life any longer or that of my grandchildren. Having said that I still love her and worry about her well being. I have given DD the benefit of the doubt many times and let her continue to live with us. There were a few periods of staying straight or at least putting on a good front. She worked, acted like a mother and took care of the kids.
Then she relapses and the merry go round starts all over again. It is heartbreaking to see it on a daily basis.
We leave on a trip next week that has been canceled and rescheduled 3 times because of DD. She is not going with us and I am going to try very hard to have a good time with my grandchildren and son and not feel bad that she is not with us.
Hugs to all of you tonight.
How do our addicts fix their lives when they are so messed up? That is of course after they decide it's time to stop using. Many face jail time and are homeless. They may have no car and no real friends although they have plenty of drug buddies. Where do they start? There are not a lot of resources in our area. If they can't live at home where does that leave them? I struggle with this last one.
I refuse to let her addiction/insanity destroy my life any longer or that of my grandchildren. Having said that I still love her and worry about her well being. I have given DD the benefit of the doubt many times and let her continue to live with us. There were a few periods of staying straight or at least putting on a good front. She worked, acted like a mother and took care of the kids.
Then she relapses and the merry go round starts all over again. It is heartbreaking to see it on a daily basis.
We leave on a trip next week that has been canceled and rescheduled 3 times because of DD. She is not going with us and I am going to try very hard to have a good time with my grandchildren and son and not feel bad that she is not with us.
Hugs to all of you tonight.
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