janderson

My sister, in her late 20s, has been an alcoholic now for 10 years. She has been hospitalised many times, been to rehab many times, crashed her car, lost jobs, friends.
She has never really been there for anyone, especially me, the whole time, and caused our extended family a lot of grief and heartache.
I have my own family now, and recently decided I just couldn't deal with the ongoing drama anymore and stopped wanting to hear her endless excuses, emotional bullying, and empty apologies.
She recently came out of a stint in rehab, and is due back for another stint in a couple of days.
My family have seen her, and say she is really trying this time, and doing well, but i just don't believe it anymore.
I feel she has manipulated everyone into believing her again, but now my family are all putting pressure on me to see her, and saying she desperately wants to see me as i'm the one she really cares about.

I just don't know what to do. People keep telling me not to give up, but after 10+ years of this I am tired. I have my own little children to look after, and I just don't have the energy anymore to deal with her. At least till after she comes out of rehab again.

I would really appreciate some advice from anyone in a similar position or some opinions from people like my sister. Should I see her? Or am I fare in saying I want some proof this time that she is using rehab as an opportunity and not just seeing it as a punishment.

Thanks.

JA

happybeingme

As a recovering alcoholic myself I think you are being smart to distance yourself. You have a family. You don't need to participate in the crazy. In time if she is sincere she can come to you and make amends. After that you can decide if it is worth it to try to fix your relationship. Don't let your family guilt you. That is part of the family illness of alcoholism.

Laneyc55

Hi JAnderson, I too have an alcoholic sister. I went no contact with her almost 7 months ago now although I've had the odd call, text etc.
After years of trying to help her and making myself ill in the process I'd also had enough.
I was exhausted trying to help her aswell as looking after my ill mother and work full time. She's my only sibling and it's a daily battle for me not to contact her, I worry about her all the time but I know if I let her back into my lift the chaos will begin again and my life once more will be ruled by her drinking. She also has been in rehab and hospitals multiple times and made constant promises which I just don't believe anymore.
You need to look after yourself and your own little family and protect them from the chaos she causes. I miss my sister everyday and it's a horrible position to be in but I'm scared of the alternative now. i would really need some proof that she has stopped drinking altogether for a long period before I believed her. I would love to have my sister back in my lift but not until then. It's been very difficult dealing with the guilt, this site helps me so much, I'm grateful I found it. This is my first post. Keep strong JAnderson and trust your gut feeling to protect yourself and your family xx

FeelingGreat

Hi J, my sister was (is) an alcoholic too. It cost her her marriage, both her sons moved to live with their father, and one son hasn't spoken to her since he was 15, and he's now 22. We tried to get her to seek treatment, or just talk to a doctor. It wasn't just that she wouldn't listen, but was in denial that she even had a problem.

When she met her second husband she moderated, but the damage was already done. She has some memory loss, and no self-esteem. Apart from all this though, she's a charming person, very sweet and a lot of fun when sober so I wouldn't like to have lost touch with her forever.

With your sister, it might be a compromise for her to visit you briefly rather than you go to her. It would be a reinforcement for her success so far but you'll still have to try and stay detached as relapse is common. You want the best for her, but try and remove yourself from buying into her dramas.

Whatever you decide, ask your family to remain neutral, as it's your decision and you don't have to justify yourself to them.

LexieCat

I think you're well within your rights to keep your distance until you see how all of this shakes out. If she DOES manage to maintain a solid recovery (and I know people worse off than her, who have) then you can think about rebuilding your relationship.

Seren

Hello janderson, and Welcome to SR!

I'm glad you found us, but really, really sorry for the reasons why...

My sister is a recovering alcoholic and powder cocaine addict. I have gone long stretches without contact between us in the past. It's OK, in fact it is perfectly fine for you to protect yourself by not having contact with your sister. If she is going into rehab....again...then she is right where she needs to be.

Please try not to let the pressure from the rest of the family get to you. I suspect you are doing this not to punish her but to protect yourself. If they cannot respect that, then that is something they will have to learn to deal with.

Hang in there!

Refiner

Hi J and welcome! I too have an AS who is supposedly RAS now but she also has NPD. Within the last year I finally went NO contact but the 5 years leading up to that I went limited or semi-contact. Communication was kept professional and at a high level. I shared NOTHING personal and if she started her manipulative toxic behavior I would shut her off/down in a heartbeat (since we still had to share family functions etc). Unless she has something to add or enrich in the lives of you and your family, you owe her NOTHING.

dj328

That must be a horrible feeling... I don't have any advice, but I felt I wanted to say hello and show support.

:-)

janderson

I am so glad I recently found this site. It's so generous of people to share their stories and offer help and advice. Knowing there are people in similar situations, with similar concerns helps take away some of the stress and anxiety.
I think I will let my sister know that I am not abandoning her, but that I just need some time out and my immediate family to not have to deal with her. I feel a lot less guilty about this after reading the replies.
I wish everyone on here the best wishes for their family or with their recovery. Hopefully I can contributE and give back to this site as well. .

Thank you. JA

Refiner

Sounds like a good plan, JA. Come back and share as often as you'd like!