Pipoi's Post-Divorce Latest Misadventure
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Originally Posted by fairlyuncertain 
What you experience as meanness in these forums might be frustration and worry, and hurt feelings.
Who has the best, shiniest surface? The person with the worst interior to hide, that's who. The kind of car a person drives, or how they live, can be a real expression of their nature: or a trap of false signals, flashes of things, which distract people from what's inside. It doesn't matter if you are skiing together in Gstaad or snowshoeing from a shack. Abuse is abuse.
It's off-putting to hear you mention so much of the 'stuff.' Being in a chalet with a surgeon is meaningless. These signifiers are part of the inauthentic nature of abuse, alcoholism and narcissism. I didn't experience the 'good stuff' in my life as delightful. It was a trap, and an illusion for the outside world. And I sense that you sort of side with the abusers on this: having quality things and status is a reflection of a high-quality character.
Abuse happens when a man pays to fix a woman's 1990 junker so she can get to work, and thinks she owes him part of her minimum wage paycheck. And it happens when a man buys a woman a luxury sportscar, and feels entitled to know where she drives.
Abusers come in every shape, gender and socioeconomic variation. I feel genuine concern that you are missing something very fundamental. And the people here who have struggled with the financial devastation of having an addicted family member are going to take offense at the general way you seem to value status.
I wish you the best, and hope that you create a life that fosters your own growth, in your own time, and meets your needs and those of your children. It's good that you stopped the cycle of abuse this time, before it became a cycle!
Who has the best, shiniest surface? The person with the worst interior to hide, that's who. The kind of car a person drives, or how they live, can be a real expression of their nature: or a trap of false signals, flashes of things, which distract people from what's inside. It doesn't matter if you are skiing together in Gstaad or snowshoeing from a shack. Abuse is abuse.
It's off-putting to hear you mention so much of the 'stuff.' Being in a chalet with a surgeon is meaningless. These signifiers are part of the inauthentic nature of abuse, alcoholism and narcissism. I didn't experience the 'good stuff' in my life as delightful. It was a trap, and an illusion for the outside world. And I sense that you sort of side with the abusers on this: having quality things and status is a reflection of a high-quality character.
Abuse happens when a man pays to fix a woman's 1990 junker so she can get to work, and thinks she owes him part of her minimum wage paycheck. And it happens when a man buys a woman a luxury sportscar, and feels entitled to know where she drives.
Abusers come in every shape, gender and socioeconomic variation. I feel genuine concern that you are missing something very fundamental. And the people here who have struggled with the financial devastation of having an addicted family member are going to take offense at the general way you seem to value status.
I wish you the best, and hope that you create a life that fosters your own growth, in your own time, and meets your needs and those of your children. It's good that you stopped the cycle of abuse this time, before it became a cycle!
Actually, my point in sharing this cautionary tale is to illuminate the very same. That someone can appear to be a caring, responsible person before the truth becomes evident. The surgeon had me half-fooled for a good while there, and in spite of some blind spots, I am not stupid, nor were my eyes half-closed. I was observing him quite carefully and taking my time to get to know him.
What I was hearing from him that impressed me were his stories about his family, talk about his patients and charity, the way he listened to stories about my children with such interest and remembered everything I'd told him about them...I was starting to let my guard down because I was believing him. Not because of money or status. But because there is a kind, intuitive, caring person in there, too.
He wasn't all bad and neither is my xah. That's what always makes things so confusing. I can't believe that I got everything wrong about them. I think in both cases there is good in them and I was seeing and experiencing qualities that were lovely.
People go astray. And they can take people down with them.
I don't want to be a hard, resentful person. I have my own financial catastrophe, actually, that I am dealing with. It did make the fine living more enticing for sure, because it was a break from the changes I have been dealing with.
In spite of challenges, it's a pleasure to be home on this cool, rainy day, cleaning our modest little apartment and preparing lunch for the children. They will be home soon, and hungry!
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First I am sorry that this didn't work out Pippi. It is good that you found out the truth of who he is at the end of the day and took action to protect yourself and separate yourself from him sooner rather than later but it is still a loss and one can feel that loss quite deeply.
This really hits home for me. I thought I could just leave if things were bad but it turns out the leaving is much harder than I thought it would be. Learn from this Pippi. Please remember to keep your boundaries up. Do not romanticize the good parts and gloss over the flags and truths of the bad parts. This is where things get very sticky and what I feel is one of the biggest parts of my own codependency. I did not let the bad relationships go. I hung on to them for a variety of reasons. The people I know that have healthy relationships found them not because they only got involved in healthy one's - but because they were able to walk away from the unhealthy one's even when they were heartbroken about having to do it. They value and respect themselves to much to do anything else.
It is one thing to take ownership in your part of any dysfunction. This helps us learn better skills in moving forward. Be very very careful to not take ownership of any of HIS behaviors. Nothing you did resulted in his bad behavior - that is all on him and here is the important bit - if you could change into the picture of health and go back and re-do every single thing you felt you did wrong - it would not change HIM, his behavior, or the truth of this relationship.
While there might be some merit in taking a personal inventory regarding your girlfriends feedback I would not take their word on the reality of this relationship. I have found that people absolutely do not know the ins/outs of a relationship they are not part of and if they do not have experience with addictions/codependency/abusiveness - they really do not offer valuable input and are often just downright wrong.
That is bad but I'd think the punching would be considered the ultimate atrocity. Don't marginalize yourself. The idea that the rejection was more painful and offensive than the actual physical abuse is an area you may want to explore further with your counselor.
^^ you asked earlier about where the codependency was and that you couldn't always see it. This - this is a really important area to look at.
There is only going to be drama with him from here on out if you participate in it. Ask him ship/mail your stuff and kindly let him know that you won't be corresponding with him any further.
Then ignore the correspondence. You now see the red flags and know he is a controlling man with drug issues and abusive tendencies - which means you also know that further pursuit is about him and controlling people - not about you and getting to know you.
As an aside to another post I think we, as single parents, get to have our own lives and relationships if we want them and I totally support the idea of keeping relationships separate from the home and kids for a very long time.
So I am in trouble because I let him into my heart. I have this affection for him that I didn't factor in when I told myself if things didn't work out I would just end things and move on.
You know, I let some things slide that I shouldn't have. The badgering about being reachable when he wanted me was excessive and he made dramas over it. I could have just said from the start clearly to cut it out. But I didn't. I have myself to blame.
My girlfriends had been on the surgeon's side since I started seeing him. They know I was not behaving entirely loyally towards him, and they told me to get my act together. Because it seemed like a potential win-win situation. They know me well, and he was looking a lot more wholesome than I was.
But everyone agrees that his reaction at the nightclub was atrocious. Particularly the bit about throwing my stuff outside the room. And his response that he's the one who paid for the hotel.
But I sometimes had a hard time finding my voice when faced with his. ...........It was I who found myself unable to say what was needed.
There is only going to be drama with him from here on out if you participate in it. Ask him ship/mail your stuff and kindly let him know that you won't be corresponding with him any further.
Then ignore the correspondence. You now see the red flags and know he is a controlling man with drug issues and abusive tendencies - which means you also know that further pursuit is about him and controlling people - not about you and getting to know you.
As an aside to another post I think we, as single parents, get to have our own lives and relationships if we want them and I totally support the idea of keeping relationships separate from the home and kids for a very long time.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Couldn't have said it better! Pippi if you meet up with him you are seeking his drama!
How do you mail skis and ski boots though?!
It's pouring rain, he's supposedly on his way back from the resort, and meeting me by the lake and the restaurant in the dark of night, where we first met...
Someone play me something dramatic in minor keys please...
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
I totally agree!!!
How do you mail skis and ski boots though?!
It's pouring rain, he's supposedly on his way back from the resort, and meeting me by the lake and the restaurant in the dark of night, where we first met...
Someone play me something dramatic in minor keys please...
How do you mail skis and ski boots though?!
It's pouring rain, he's supposedly on his way back from the resort, and meeting me by the lake and the restaurant in the dark of night, where we first met...
Someone play me something dramatic in minor keys please...
No dramatic music.
Meeting him there is a choice. It is not a boring choice though - which might be something to take a step back and look at.
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Originally Posted by TalenCrowhaven
A good lesson to learn no matter where you stand, is most drama continues until it stops being fed.
He was just fine. He saw that I didn't want to talk and he followed my lead.
That took all of two minutes.
All is well.
Except that he looked so nice. Nice not as in gorgeous nice. Nice, like the person I knew before that horrible night.
My heart got so attached so much faster than I thought it could.
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
Well, I did it. I got all my stuff back.
He was just fine. He saw that I didn't want to talk and he followed my lead.
That took all of two minutes.
All is well.
Except that he looked so nice. Nice not as in gorgeous nice. Nice, like the person I knew before that horrible night.
My heart got so attached so much faster than I thought it could.
He was just fine. He saw that I didn't want to talk and he followed my lead.
That took all of two minutes.
All is well.
Except that he looked so nice. Nice not as in gorgeous nice. Nice, like the person I knew before that horrible night.
My heart got so attached so much faster than I thought it could.
You know, I am vulnerable. If he had looked me in the eyes and given me a sincere apology, I don't know. I could have caved. Seeing him, I miss him.
Fortunately, he is not capable of acknowledging how he did wrong. So I am sad, but I can move on.
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Originally Posted by Kimmieh
You are meeting someone who is controlling and physically assaulted you alone in the dark when anything can be shipped? Why?
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Originally Posted by Thumper
First I am sorry that this didn't work out Pippi. It is good that you found out the truth of who he is at the end of the day and took action to protect yourself and separate yourself from him sooner rather than later but it is still a loss and one can feel that loss quite deeply.
This really hits home for me. I thought I could just leave if things were bad but it turns out the leaving is much harder than I thought it would be. Learn from this Pippi. Please remember to keep your boundaries up. Do not romanticize the good parts and gloss over the flags and truths of the bad parts. This is where things get very sticky and what I feel is one of the biggest parts of my own codependency. I did not let the bad relationships go. I hung on to them for a variety of reasons. The people I know that have healthy relationships found them not because they only got involved in healthy one's - but because they were able to walk away from the unhealthy one's even when they were heartbroken about having to do it. They value and respect themselves to much to do anything else.
It is one thing to take ownership in your part of any dysfunction. This helps us learn better skills in moving forward. Be very very careful to not take ownership of any of HIS behaviors. Nothing you did resulted in his bad behavior - that is all on him and here is the important bit - if you could change into the picture of health and go back and re-do every single thing you felt you did wrong - it would not change HIM, his behavior, or the truth of this relationship.
While there might be some merit in taking a personal inventory regarding your girlfriends feedback I would not take their word on the reality of this relationship. I have found that people absolutely do not know the ins/outs of a relationship they are not part of and if they do not have experience with addictions/codependency/abusiveness - they really do not offer valuable input and are often just downright wrong.
That is bad but I'd think the punching would be considered the ultimate atrocity. Don't marginalize yourself. The idea that the rejection was more painful and offensive than the actual physical abuse is an area you may want to explore further with your counselor.
^^ you asked earlier about where the codependency was and that you couldn't always see it. This - this is a really important area to look at.
There is only going to be drama with him from here on out if you participate in it. Ask him ship/mail your stuff and kindly let him know that you won't be corresponding with him any further.
Then ignore the correspondence. You now see the red flags and know he is a controlling man with drug issues and abusive tendencies - which means you also know that further pursuit is about him and controlling people - not about you and getting to know you.
As an aside to another post I think we, as single parents, get to have our own lives and relationships if we want them and I totally support the idea of keeping relationships separate from the home and kids for a very long time.
This really hits home for me. I thought I could just leave if things were bad but it turns out the leaving is much harder than I thought it would be. Learn from this Pippi. Please remember to keep your boundaries up. Do not romanticize the good parts and gloss over the flags and truths of the bad parts. This is where things get very sticky and what I feel is one of the biggest parts of my own codependency. I did not let the bad relationships go. I hung on to them for a variety of reasons. The people I know that have healthy relationships found them not because they only got involved in healthy one's - but because they were able to walk away from the unhealthy one's even when they were heartbroken about having to do it. They value and respect themselves to much to do anything else.
It is one thing to take ownership in your part of any dysfunction. This helps us learn better skills in moving forward. Be very very careful to not take ownership of any of HIS behaviors. Nothing you did resulted in his bad behavior - that is all on him and here is the important bit - if you could change into the picture of health and go back and re-do every single thing you felt you did wrong - it would not change HIM, his behavior, or the truth of this relationship.
While there might be some merit in taking a personal inventory regarding your girlfriends feedback I would not take their word on the reality of this relationship. I have found that people absolutely do not know the ins/outs of a relationship they are not part of and if they do not have experience with addictions/codependency/abusiveness - they really do not offer valuable input and are often just downright wrong.
That is bad but I'd think the punching would be considered the ultimate atrocity. Don't marginalize yourself. The idea that the rejection was more painful and offensive than the actual physical abuse is an area you may want to explore further with your counselor.
^^ you asked earlier about where the codependency was and that you couldn't always see it. This - this is a really important area to look at.
There is only going to be drama with him from here on out if you participate in it. Ask him ship/mail your stuff and kindly let him know that you won't be corresponding with him any further.
Then ignore the correspondence. You now see the red flags and know he is a controlling man with drug issues and abusive tendencies - which means you also know that further pursuit is about him and controlling people - not about you and getting to know you.
As an aside to another post I think we, as single parents, get to have our own lives and relationships if we want them and I totally support the idea of keeping relationships separate from the home and kids for a very long time.
I've only reread everything, like, six or eight times today.
I promise everyone, I am not ignoring anyone's words. I am sorting through and working things out in my head. The rain helps, and it is supposed to rain for another 3 days.
Blessings to you all.
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
You know, my xah was violent and he's still awfully controlling. And, lucky me, I have to see him every time he has another visit with the children. I am used to the occasional scare, stalking, threat. So you learn to feel strong and you deal, because there just is no other choice sometimes.
I also want to say that I do admire your openness in light of the criticism you receive and I hope you will keep coming back and share even if people are hard on you.
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