Is this the characteristic of a dry drunk?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Carmen, you have never known this man SOBER. and by that I mean a long period with NO alcohol consumption.....months to years. what you have seen is him under the influence......he is NOT a nice kind friend.....the alcohol may temporarily make him gay and fun, but as the drinking continues, he becomes more morose and mean. if he does not have a constant stream of alcohol in his system, he goes into withdrawals and becomes mean, nasty and spiteful.
your staying in contact with him actually ENABLES him to continue....no matter what he does, no matter how treats you, you are still THERE. so he blathers on in a semi intoxicated state about how much he LOVES you, blah blah blah, and that is all it takes to keep you hooked.
he does SO little......and yet you keep scrounging for the crumbs he tosses your way. he sits there and drinks and drinks.....THIS is what you get. he has shown you who he is. NOW. he has no desire to change. now you only get a voice on the phone.
i'm curious why say you are ALL ALONE. why don't you have other people in your life? why is this good enough?
your staying in contact with him actually ENABLES him to continue....no matter what he does, no matter how treats you, you are still THERE. so he blathers on in a semi intoxicated state about how much he LOVES you, blah blah blah, and that is all it takes to keep you hooked.
he does SO little......and yet you keep scrounging for the crumbs he tosses your way. he sits there and drinks and drinks.....THIS is what you get. he has shown you who he is. NOW. he has no desire to change. now you only get a voice on the phone.
i'm curious why say you are ALL ALONE. why don't you have other people in your life? why is this good enough?
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
Carmen, I know its easier said than done. I dealt with a close family member for 25 years and only recent go away from. The person has underlying disorders I could not comprehend (I mean we're no professionals and if we haven't dealt with it in another we really don't know) surpassing alcoholism/drug addiction that caused me to be hooked for years because I was treated alternately in "loving" ways and then abusively and I depended on them to help me get through caring for an ailing spouse. Actually, part of the reason in my case was also my own sobriety that did a number on my head causing me to take the abuse.... long story I won't go into) But I'm trying to say that I really, really, do understand. But.... You simply must go no-contact. As for "all alone"... I get that too. If you're isolating, which that kind of crazy-making behavior can cause you to do by stripping you of self-confidence, force yourself to get out to some Al-Anon meetings where you can meet people. You really do need other people in your life right now and you're the only one who can do something about that. Block his number and go to meetings.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
Missed some of your follow-ups from the OP.
"Dry drunk" is a term that, I believe, has its origins among AA members differentiating someone who is "just not drinking" but continues to behave pretty much as they did while drinking due to not addressing their spiritual condition as opposed to someone who is sober. "Sober" has a very specific meaning in the AA 12-Step spiritual program:
The last 3 Steps best define sobriety:
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Has he, promptly, made amends to you after having been unkind (abusive?) How often for the exact same behavior? If often, do you believe the amends are sincere? Does one continue repeating the same abusive behavior if there is true remorse?
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Do you believe he's maintaining conscious contact with God during which God must then be directing him to abuse you? Sounds pretty crazy.... right?
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message
to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Do you believe he's had a "spiritual awakening?" Does his behavior indicate he's practicing the 12-Step principles in ALL his affairs including with you?
These Steps that define sobriety are the, daily, ongoing ones for life. There's more to sobriety than just not drinking and, like I said, is why "dry drunk" is used to describe someone who's not living in them. The other term that goes along with "dry drunk" is "white knuckle" or still having the same issues that drove one to drink and just fighting the urge instead of healing the issue via spirituality.
Sorry if this is a little too in-depth but on rereading I'm not sure how you're thinking of "dry drunk." But, as pretty much everyone has said, the remedy is to go no-contact.
PS: It is a bit confusing hearing how "sobriety" or "sober" are used here at SR. I just have to remember, myself, that not everyone here is AA or in a 12-Step program of any kind for that matter so many use "sober" as just not drinking. Come to think of it, I don't know if your friend is AA even so not sure "dry drunk" even applies.
"Dry drunk" is a term that, I believe, has its origins among AA members differentiating someone who is "just not drinking" but continues to behave pretty much as they did while drinking due to not addressing their spiritual condition as opposed to someone who is sober. "Sober" has a very specific meaning in the AA 12-Step spiritual program:
The last 3 Steps best define sobriety:
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Has he, promptly, made amends to you after having been unkind (abusive?) How often for the exact same behavior? If often, do you believe the amends are sincere? Does one continue repeating the same abusive behavior if there is true remorse?
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Do you believe he's maintaining conscious contact with God during which God must then be directing him to abuse you? Sounds pretty crazy.... right?
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message
to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Do you believe he's had a "spiritual awakening?" Does his behavior indicate he's practicing the 12-Step principles in ALL his affairs including with you?
These Steps that define sobriety are the, daily, ongoing ones for life. There's more to sobriety than just not drinking and, like I said, is why "dry drunk" is used to describe someone who's not living in them. The other term that goes along with "dry drunk" is "white knuckle" or still having the same issues that drove one to drink and just fighting the urge instead of healing the issue via spirituality.
Sorry if this is a little too in-depth but on rereading I'm not sure how you're thinking of "dry drunk." But, as pretty much everyone has said, the remedy is to go no-contact.
PS: It is a bit confusing hearing how "sobriety" or "sober" are used here at SR. I just have to remember, myself, that not everyone here is AA or in a 12-Step program of any kind for that matter so many use "sober" as just not drinking. Come to think of it, I don't know if your friend is AA even so not sure "dry drunk" even applies.
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