ArmyOfOne

Things are getting really messed up. She has now rallied friends around her cause. She has this evil way to of twisting things, even I doubt myself at times. And now she is crying her sob stories to my mother.

According to her everything she has done, I have done too. According to her if she has endangered the children's well being with alcohol and drugs. I have done the same by driving fast while the children were in the car. How the **** is that even on the same level????

I am trying very hard to find something to rent and move out but its taking sometime. She even went and saw the counselor by herself and now she tells me the counselor agrees she doesn't have BPD. Who the **** am I dealing with here, the devil? Its like anyone who makes a mistake of listening to her gets spell bound.

All the serenity I had is lost, and I feel so emotionally distraught. For a second I even started thinking maybe I did make a mistake...arghhhh I hate this ****.

LexieCat

I told you there would be moments you wished you had left it alone. This is one of them, and it's really to be expected because it's starting to look to her as if this time you might really MEAN it.

So yeah, the big guns, the tears, the drama, the lying, the circling of the wagons. It will PASS. Let her say whatever. Your position is to simply, and quietly, maintain your dignity and your truth.

I would put a moratorium on discussing ANY of this with ANYONE (with the possible exception of your mom, and even with her I'd avoid details about who did what to whom). Just say that it has been a difficult situation, this was not a decision you entered into lightly, and you feel you are doing what you must for the sake of the kids and yourself. Period.

dandylion

Army.......I would vote for sticking with what YOU KNOW!

It seems that everyone is searching for agreement, here....She wants everyone to agree with her (naturally).....including you and her family/friends....
You would like her to agree with you, and the way you see it....

She is going to see things your way when pigs fly.....
Every alcoholic, who is desperate to defend their drinking, will project blame and deflect from their own behaviors.....that is not likely to stop....not until a person is deeper into genuine recovery.....

She is responsible for her side of the street...and, you --yours....

You must make the decisions that are in your best interest and.....based on what YOU KNOW......

That is the detachment word that we are always talking about, around here.....

dandylion

Hawkeye13

What Lexie and Dandy said--
Of course she's blowing up--her free pass to act out without consequences is expiring.

You know what you know and are trying to protect your kids.
Hold that truth. . .

ArmyOfOne

Then why do I doubt myself? I know she is wrong, I know together we are toxic, I know the kids are better off in a single parent safe environment.

Then why do I hesitate.

ShootingStar1

Hang in there, Army. You KNOW what you KNOW. Believe yourself. Maybe start, if you haven't, writing a diary of every incident she did/does so you can reread it when you need to, and show it to your attorney/the Judge when you need.

Look up gaslighting, Stockholm Syndrome here on this site and on google. This is what she is doing. As others have said here, she'll do whatever she can to represent HER reality as the truth. That doesn't make it so, and sooner or later, the truth will out.

ShootingStar1

LexieCat

I'd suggest asking your marriage counselor to refer you to a personal therapist, and ask that (if she is ethically permitted to do so) she share her files on your joint or personal sessions (those involving just you) with your new therapist.

At this point, you want a therapist who can help you build and trust your own judgment on things. You've filed for divorce. At this point, maintaining your own sanity and sense of reality is your top priority. Don't worry right now about straightening anyone out on whose "fault" anything is. Keep your head down and shut out the distractions.

And I'd suggest getting you and your kids OUT of that house as soon as humanly possible. Even if you are living out of boxes in a month-to-month tenancy for a time. This is likely to get much worse at home unless one of you is removed from it.

ArmyOfOne

I already have a personal therapist. I will ask the marriage counselor to talk to my therapist. I like that idea.

I can't take the kids out of the house like that. At this point I have to leave and let the kids and her stay. My attorney advised against taking the kids. She will create a massive seen if I do that. Plus the girls are closer to her. The younger one doesn't even sleep without her.

LexieCat

Is it your lawyer telling you that? Without a custody/visitation order you have equal rights to custody, in every jurisdiction I know of. Of course, I can't give you legal advice, but that's something you need to discuss with your lawyer. Given that you are the more responsible parent, maybe your lawyer can file for an emergency interim lawyer requiring her to leave so you can stay with the kids. I'd certainly be exploring that possibility.

redatlanta

Just a theory. You have been living in chaos for a very long time. Introducing divorce will eventually end this chaos, but in the interim it introduces a new, perhaps nastier chaos. It's hard. This is why many back down returning to the familiar chaos, because the new chaos is a hard pill to swallow.

Ignore the friends. More will be revealed, it always is. Your wife is mentally unhinged - she is going to say whatever she can come up with to provoke you and cover up her own issues and behavior. Whatever. Yawn. She will do herself in, if you let her.

LexieCat

Oy. I meant to say "emergency interim ORDER." Guilty of posting while distracted.

AnvilheadII

i can't fathom leaving the children in her care.......if YOU can't handle it, imagine what is going on in their little minds and bodies? the woman is unhinged.

healthyagain

I am really sorry that you have to deal with all that chaos, ArmyOfOne. And as you keep pulling away, expect the things to get nastier and nastier, expect yourself to start asking "and I am/was actually married to this person/thing/creep/monster?" Basically, all the masks are going to drop and you will see her true personality. Just be prepared. These people do not play nicely when they are cornered.

53500

Because divorce is hard, Army, and it's sad even when it's the right move. It can be wrenching. Mine was and I was the one who wanted it. One minute you're a married man with a home, wife, kids and you meant for it to be a lifetime and then it isn't. Even the most amicable divorces are hard and sad.

The thing is, if you remain in your marriage life gets worse, as has been happening for quite some time. Worse for you and worse for your children. If you divorce, although life may be worse for a while, it eventually gets much better. I'm sure you know (or at least expect) this from reading the many posts on SR.

Not to be flip - believe me, I know the wrenching pain and guilt of breaking up a family and I would not make light of it - but there is a saying: Why does divorce cost so much? Because it's worth it.

Regarding you leaving the kids with her: please be sure to tell your attorney about your wife's drug use and finding that pill in your child's bed. IMO that's reason not to leave the kids with her, although I do understand how much more difficult that will make this process.

So sorry you are going through this. It's hell, I know.

hopeful4

You hesitate because it's hard. It sucks. Any major life decisions that are hard and suck will make anyone doubt themselves. That's why you have to just stand your ground and 100% ignore the crap (and it is crap) that comes out of her mouth right now. She is desperate and is going to do anything and everything to not suffer the consequences OF HER ACTIONS.

Be Strong Army....

firebolt

"it's none of my business what people think of me."

I love this, and it has helped me SO MUCH.

We worry so much about our 'reputation' when we should be worried about our health and well being. Lots of empathy here Army. Hang in there - I can't wait until this is all over for you!

wanttobehealthy

Checking in to see how you are Army... I worry about you and your kids... The kids may not actually be attached to her in the way you think they are-- it may be more like stockholm syndrome... they are bonded by trauma to her perhaps-- it does not sound like she creates a stable, calm, safe environment and I fear for you about what she will do, in an abandonment fueled state, if you leave and don't take your kids too... The wrath of an unstable, BPD/alcoholic know no bounds and what you're describing is how my own mother behaved when my dad left and the horror show that ensued has continued to this day.

Let us know how you are...

Hawkeye13

Yes, army, please let us know how you are--