I know it's not that bad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
Yes he's self employed controls money but I know I can transfer money if need be, I spend what I want and need, he never questions it, until today. I know tomorrow I'll get it cause gotta do groceries, he's just making it clear to me it's his money I'm spending I think guilt tripping me? Yes I'm qualified in my work, I've worked before marriage and during just not now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jphnno...of course he is guilt tripping you. He knows he can. This is a form of abuse. Emotional abuse and financial abuse.
Also, the more he hammers you...the more it takes the focus off of him. Deflecting. Projecting. Blame-shifting.
I notice from your other threads that this verbal abuse has been going o n for many years, now.
This kind of pounding, over a period of time, has a tremendously destructive effect on
you. It erodes your self-esteem and your confidence. It can affect your own functioning in all areas...not to mention the sheer unhappiness, anxiety and despair.
I notice that in 2013, you felt that the children had not been affected, so far.
Parents are notoriously inclined to underestimate the effects that this has on the children. It always affects the children...even very young children. They are like little sponges who absorb all the vibes in their environments.
I know that you identified that there is an alanon group in your town--I don't remember if you are going to that, or not. It would be a help for you if you would.
You really do need more support that it sounds like you are getting.
I know that posting here is a help for you....but, you also need more face to face support.
He is going to continue to do exactly what he wants to do. He doesn't sound even close to facing up to his drinking and other issues.
The question becomes....what are you going to do. That is the only control you have in your life. You h ave NO control over him.
You have to be the one to change things....and, that begins with getting help for yourself, and, sorting your own self out. You owe that much to yourself, don't you think??
dandylion
Also, the more he hammers you...the more it takes the focus off of him. Deflecting. Projecting. Blame-shifting.
I notice from your other threads that this verbal abuse has been going o n for many years, now.
This kind of pounding, over a period of time, has a tremendously destructive effect on
you. It erodes your self-esteem and your confidence. It can affect your own functioning in all areas...not to mention the sheer unhappiness, anxiety and despair.
I notice that in 2013, you felt that the children had not been affected, so far.
Parents are notoriously inclined to underestimate the effects that this has on the children. It always affects the children...even very young children. They are like little sponges who absorb all the vibes in their environments.
I know that you identified that there is an alanon group in your town--I don't remember if you are going to that, or not. It would be a help for you if you would.
You really do need more support that it sounds like you are getting.
I know that posting here is a help for you....but, you also need more face to face support.
He is going to continue to do exactly what he wants to do. He doesn't sound even close to facing up to his drinking and other issues.
The question becomes....what are you going to do. That is the only control you have in your life. You h ave NO control over him.
You have to be the one to change things....and, that begins with getting help for yourself, and, sorting your own self out. You owe that much to yourself, don't you think??
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
This is how this game goes: only it’s not a game it’s real life and there are no winners.
Your goal seems to be in getting him to stop drinking. His goal is to continue drinking.
Your game plan is to be passive- aggressive and withhold love and emotions. His game plan is to beat you down personal, degrade you and take the focus off of his drinking.
Your other game plan is to talk to him about his drinking. His other game plan is to deny it and deflect personal issues back onto you.
And on and on and on it goes…………..no winners.
Your new game plan can be to get yourself to al-anon, to focus on detaching from “his drinking” not detaching from him. Get yourself on healthier ground, maybe go back to work, make some of your own money, empower yourself to be independent not dependent on him for everything.
And moving forward……………..don’t focus on his game plan, only your own.
Your goal seems to be in getting him to stop drinking. His goal is to continue drinking.
Your game plan is to be passive- aggressive and withhold love and emotions. His game plan is to beat you down personal, degrade you and take the focus off of his drinking.
Your other game plan is to talk to him about his drinking. His other game plan is to deny it and deflect personal issues back onto you.
And on and on and on it goes…………..no winners.
Your new game plan can be to get yourself to al-anon, to focus on detaching from “his drinking” not detaching from him. Get yourself on healthier ground, maybe go back to work, make some of your own money, empower yourself to be independent not dependent on him for everything.
And moving forward……………..don’t focus on his game plan, only your own.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
You have a right to be angry. But.... Gotta love those "buts"..... It's HIS choice. Yes, be angry, be distant, detach! But don't allow him to have the power to ruin your night. Don't give him that power! If he gets caught, he will have consequences, big ones. And yes, you will inadvertently get caught up in those consequences.... But ultimately it is HIS decision. It sucks, I know.
Hugs!
Hugs!
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