He says he will quit...then does it again
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
He says he will quit...then does it again
Over a week ago my AH drank to a point where he blacked out...didn't remember what he said or did that night. Our kids were at their other parent's houses.
I thought he might have hit a bottom for what he did....said he wouldn't drink any more, go to a therapist...get help... it would be better...that lasted 6 days.
The whole time I was waiting for the other shoe to drop...actually waiting for him to drink again... I am sure he could feel it.. and then he drank last night, the night before. Night before last wasn't bad..he was in a good mood, but last night his buddy was there and he started being mean. How do I work on not being on edge when he isn't drinking? I try to detach like people have suggested but he just says I am pulling away or not acting right. He needs constant reassurance that we are okay...he constantly want me to hug him or kiss him when he enters the room (or vice versa). I really don't want to be around him when he drinks since I am worried his dark side might come out.
He says that it is all up to me...how I react to him...that is how he will be when he drinks. He says I am the one with the power.
Please help...any advice. Thanks
I thought he might have hit a bottom for what he did....said he wouldn't drink any more, go to a therapist...get help... it would be better...that lasted 6 days.
The whole time I was waiting for the other shoe to drop...actually waiting for him to drink again... I am sure he could feel it.. and then he drank last night, the night before. Night before last wasn't bad..he was in a good mood, but last night his buddy was there and he started being mean. How do I work on not being on edge when he isn't drinking? I try to detach like people have suggested but he just says I am pulling away or not acting right. He needs constant reassurance that we are okay...he constantly want me to hug him or kiss him when he enters the room (or vice versa). I really don't want to be around him when he drinks since I am worried his dark side might come out.
He says that it is all up to me...how I react to him...that is how he will be when he drinks. He says I am the one with the power.
Please help...any advice. Thanks
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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Babe, you need some outside support. I'm hearing his voice in your words. You're letting him determine who you are and what is acceptable to think and feel.
He's telling you that you determine what mood he is in when he drinks (which is BS, he's responsible for his own moods). He's constantly needing reassurance that you're OK (which you're NOT, but if you tell him that, he'll get angry, so you lie and behave like he wants you to).
He's twisting your mind around. How do I know this? Because I've been there. I've been in that place where I believed that AXH's behavior was something I caused. If I only put out, he wouldn't need to rape me. If I just weren't fat, he wouldn't need to drink.
It's all lies, my friend. It's lies to keep you where you're at, where he's comfortable having you.
I don't know how you can work on not being on edge. I remember that feeling so well, of walking on eggshells and hoping you wouldn't say or do something that pissed him off.
Can you find an Al-Anon group? A Celebrate Recovery group? I think you need some outside propping up, as a counterweight to the garbage he's filling your mind with. I know that helped me a lot. (((hugs)))
He's telling you that you determine what mood he is in when he drinks (which is BS, he's responsible for his own moods). He's constantly needing reassurance that you're OK (which you're NOT, but if you tell him that, he'll get angry, so you lie and behave like he wants you to).
He's twisting your mind around. How do I know this? Because I've been there. I've been in that place where I believed that AXH's behavior was something I caused. If I only put out, he wouldn't need to rape me. If I just weren't fat, he wouldn't need to drink.
It's all lies, my friend. It's lies to keep you where you're at, where he's comfortable having you.
I don't know how you can work on not being on edge. I remember that feeling so well, of walking on eggshells and hoping you wouldn't say or do something that pissed him off.
Can you find an Al-Anon group? A Celebrate Recovery group? I think you need some outside propping up, as a counterweight to the garbage he's filling your mind with. I know that helped me a lot. (((hugs)))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sad, this is classic abuser behavior. Whatever happens is your fault.
I am scared for you in that situation. Have you been talking with a DV advocate like we suggested to you a while ago? This is WAY more than just alcoholism. It's possible to detach from an alcoholic. Detachment from an abuser can be highly dangerous. You need expert guidance to navigate this situation safely. That means more than Al-Anon.
First things first. Your safety comes first.
I am scared for you in that situation. Have you been talking with a DV advocate like we suggested to you a while ago? This is WAY more than just alcoholism. It's possible to detach from an alcoholic. Detachment from an abuser can be highly dangerous. You need expert guidance to navigate this situation safely. That means more than Al-Anon.
First things first. Your safety comes first.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
LexieCat: I cancelled an appointment I had set up yesterday with a DV person...I am too afraid that it won't be confidential...that my AH would find out or my ex husband (father of my boys). I know I should go talk to someone. I can't go to Al-Anon...my husband would just give me a hard time about it...I have a therapist...will make an appointment to see her.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh wow, if I had a dollar for every time my X told me it would not happen again! I would be a rich woman!
I am glad you are going to see the counselor. Honey, the DV people are totally anon. However, I understand your scared.
Keep coming back, we will walk this with you!
XXX
I am glad you are going to see the counselor. Honey, the DV people are totally anon. However, I understand your scared.
Keep coming back, we will walk this with you!
XXX
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Listen to Lexie-My ex is abusive as well with a side of alcoholism. I've been where you are at (years spent scared) but thurs I am testifying for a protective order bc of HIS abuse and scary action....thanks to years of therapy and the lovely people here on SR that gave me the strength to speak out. I'm not scared anymore-and you don't need to be either. Realize that once you start talking and doing things differently and reaching out for support that the abuse may/will escalate-doesn't mean you shouldn't do it for yourself and kids. Peace to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SadInTx.....I remember you, well....lol. I am glad you have returned to post.
First of all, your fears that your exchanges with the dv people are not confidential are unfounded. They are absolutely obligated to keep it confidential. They are not a government agency, by the way.
Can you tell us why you might fear that they are not confidential?
About detachment....to me, detachment is to "buy" you some time and some space to sort yourself out...and, also to keep you from making a bad situation worse by engage in non-useful ways....(like arguing with a drunk, for instance). It can afford breathing space for you. It is not intended to make it easy to live with abusive and drunken behavior. It is a normal reaction to feel anxious in the situations like you have described.
It is not like--if you just detach, everything will be o.k.
I believe that lillamy has pointed out something that is very important---you have GOT to get more support to get yourself stronger.
YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!
Maybe it is hard for you to reach out for help....but, this is too hard to walk alone.
You need an army behind you. You need people who have y our back, and help lead you out of this.
I know you want to believe him....I know you want him to stop drinking so that you can save the marriage. I know you feel like preserving the marriage will "save you". But, right now, it is killing you.
He is going to keep on doing what he wants to do because he hasn't decided to do what he needs to do.
Never.....never...believe promises made by an alcoholic. They can't even trust themselves, for pete's sake! They are controlled by their alcoholism.
Words are so cheap.
I hope you will go ahead and take the first steps that you need to take....
It won't get any better until something changes.....
dandylion
First of all, your fears that your exchanges with the dv people are not confidential are unfounded. They are absolutely obligated to keep it confidential. They are not a government agency, by the way.
Can you tell us why you might fear that they are not confidential?
About detachment....to me, detachment is to "buy" you some time and some space to sort yourself out...and, also to keep you from making a bad situation worse by engage in non-useful ways....(like arguing with a drunk, for instance). It can afford breathing space for you. It is not intended to make it easy to live with abusive and drunken behavior. It is a normal reaction to feel anxious in the situations like you have described.
It is not like--if you just detach, everything will be o.k.
I believe that lillamy has pointed out something that is very important---you have GOT to get more support to get yourself stronger.
YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!
Maybe it is hard for you to reach out for help....but, this is too hard to walk alone.
You need an army behind you. You need people who have y our back, and help lead you out of this.
I know you want to believe him....I know you want him to stop drinking so that you can save the marriage. I know you feel like preserving the marriage will "save you". But, right now, it is killing you.
He is going to keep on doing what he wants to do because he hasn't decided to do what he needs to do.
Never.....never...believe promises made by an alcoholic. They can't even trust themselves, for pete's sake! They are controlled by their alcoholism.
Words are so cheap.
I hope you will go ahead and take the first steps that you need to take....
It won't get any better until something changes.....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
[I hope you will go ahead and take the first steps that you need to take....
It won't get any better until something changes]
Dandylion: thank you for this. Thank you everyone. I know what I SHOULD do. I will start to build a support group because clearly I am going to need some help with this. I really like this group since I feel there are others that have been there where I am at and gives me some hope. Makes me feel I am not crazy.
It won't get any better until something changes]
Dandylion: thank you for this. Thank you everyone. I know what I SHOULD do. I will start to build a support group because clearly I am going to need some help with this. I really like this group since I feel there are others that have been there where I am at and gives me some hope. Makes me feel I am not crazy.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sad...you are not crazy! You just need help. We all come to a point in our lives..in some way or another, where we just...need...some help.
(By the way, many of the most devoted dv workers have been through hell and back themselves. They know what you are going through and how you are feeling....
dandylion
(By the way, many of the most devoted dv workers have been through hell and back themselves. They know what you are going through and how you are feeling....
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I know of a few sober ones with many years of sobriety that family members took them to their first AA meeting and from then on they been sober it does not always work but it may be worth a try ?
MM
MM
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Be very careful. Detachment can be dangerous in a situation like yours and do more harm than good while living with an abusive blackout drinker.
I was in a similar situation. My oldest son actually went to live with his dad because of my ex's behavior. I kept thinking I could protect my kids and manage my ex's mood swings and keep him from getting angry. All I did was expose myself and my children to lots of drunken abuse.
My ex did a lot of terrible things in blackouts. Screaming and cursing, hitting, kicking, punching. Putting holes in walls. Terrorizing animals and children. Turning on the stove and leaving it on all night. Lighting cigarettes and dropping them on carpet and furniture. Nights in the emergency room after falling or cutting himself, dozens of stitches and staples. Nights in jail after drunkenly assaulting a police officer.
Each time I kept thinking that something HAD to be his bottom, that THIS time would be the event that led him to be sorry enough to quit. Finally I took my sons and left. Even after losing his family, he has yet to admit to having a problem with alcohol.
I wasted a lot of time waiting for him to change so that I could be happy and have the life I wanted. I was terrified of reaching out for help because of his reaction. He was constantly reading my private journals to see if I had written about him. I literally was not allowed to have boundaries or tell him no without suffering consequences. I was terribly isolated, no family nearby and no close friends. Alanon wasn't an option. It was bad enough leaving my children when I went to work. I couldn't justify doing anything for myself that exposed them to more of his drunken behavior.
Please work on building a support network, whatever you feel comfortable with. I know this stuff takes time. Take care and keep sharing. (((Hugs))) to you. We are here for you.
I was in a similar situation. My oldest son actually went to live with his dad because of my ex's behavior. I kept thinking I could protect my kids and manage my ex's mood swings and keep him from getting angry. All I did was expose myself and my children to lots of drunken abuse.
My ex did a lot of terrible things in blackouts. Screaming and cursing, hitting, kicking, punching. Putting holes in walls. Terrorizing animals and children. Turning on the stove and leaving it on all night. Lighting cigarettes and dropping them on carpet and furniture. Nights in the emergency room after falling or cutting himself, dozens of stitches and staples. Nights in jail after drunkenly assaulting a police officer.
Each time I kept thinking that something HAD to be his bottom, that THIS time would be the event that led him to be sorry enough to quit. Finally I took my sons and left. Even after losing his family, he has yet to admit to having a problem with alcohol.
I wasted a lot of time waiting for him to change so that I could be happy and have the life I wanted. I was terrified of reaching out for help because of his reaction. He was constantly reading my private journals to see if I had written about him. I literally was not allowed to have boundaries or tell him no without suffering consequences. I was terribly isolated, no family nearby and no close friends. Alanon wasn't an option. It was bad enough leaving my children when I went to work. I couldn't justify doing anything for myself that exposed them to more of his drunken behavior.
Please work on building a support network, whatever you feel comfortable with. I know this stuff takes time. Take care and keep sharing. (((Hugs))) to you. We are here for you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sad, you can be absolutely confident that the DV people will protect your confidentiality. They may be more paranoid about your safety than you are! What's great about working with an advocate is that they will help you PLAN for your own safety. Nobody will make you do anything you aren't ready to do, and they won't call the police based on anything you tell them. Be VERY open and honest with them. If you aren't, then they won't be able to help you as effectively. Tell them everything you're worried about, how he behaves, what he has threatened to do--all of it. They will help you figure out how much danger you are in, how to have a safe "escape" strategy if you need to leave quickly (not necessarily forever, but just for a while if you need to). If at some point you DO want an order or to leave more permanently, they can help you figure out how to do that safely, too. They can hook you up with help and resources, help you find a place to live, help you get on your feet again.
You can do this, I know you can. And it will give you a little bit of your power over your own life back.
Hugs, please keep us posted.
You can do this, I know you can. And it will give you a little bit of your power over your own life back.
Hugs, please keep us posted.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Mountainmanbob: Thank you for your response. No, he won't go back to AA....he went there for 6 months but decided that he wasn't an alcoholic since he wasn't as bad off as the others were...no DUI (yet), hasn't lost job (yet), etc. etc.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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You are the one with the power but not in the manipulative way he thinks.
You are the one with the power to decide what you want to put up with.
You are the one with the power to decide what you want to put up with.
Originally Posted by SadInTX 
Over a week ago my AH drank to a point where he blacked out...didn't remember what he said or did that night. Our kids were at their other parent's houses.
I thought he might have hit a bottom for what he did....said he wouldn't drink any more, go to a therapist...get help... it would be better...that lasted 6 days.
The whole time I was waiting for the other shoe to drop...actually waiting for him to drink again... I am sure he could feel it.. and then he drank last night, the night before. Night before last wasn't bad..he was in a good mood, but last night his buddy was there and he started being mean. How do I work on not being on edge when he isn't drinking? I try to detach like people have suggested but he just says I am pulling away or not acting right. He needs constant reassurance that we are okay...he constantly want me to hug him or kiss him when he enters the room (or vice versa). I really don't want to be around him when he drinks since I am worried his dark side might come out.
He says that it is all up to me...how I react to him...that is how he will be when he drinks. He says I am the one with the power.
Please help...any advice. Thanks
I thought he might have hit a bottom for what he did....said he wouldn't drink any more, go to a therapist...get help... it would be better...that lasted 6 days.
The whole time I was waiting for the other shoe to drop...actually waiting for him to drink again... I am sure he could feel it.. and then he drank last night, the night before. Night before last wasn't bad..he was in a good mood, but last night his buddy was there and he started being mean. How do I work on not being on edge when he isn't drinking? I try to detach like people have suggested but he just says I am pulling away or not acting right. He needs constant reassurance that we are okay...he constantly want me to hug him or kiss him when he enters the room (or vice versa). I really don't want to be around him when he drinks since I am worried his dark side might come out.
He says that it is all up to me...how I react to him...that is how he will be when he drinks. He says I am the one with the power.
Please help...any advice. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
Omg I could right the same thing, my ah says if I'm nice when he drinks he's happy and fine but if I'm not if I'm distant he feels that and it makes him mean.....so it's totally my fault how he is when drinking or not drinking even.....grrr! Thanks for this post you've made the penny drop for me today.
Best of luck I'm glad you going to get some good help out there and in here.
Best of luck I'm glad you going to get some good help out there and in here.
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