Took a couple steps backwards....
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
Took a couple steps backwards....
I felt my anxiety as soon as I woke up this morning. I knew I was going to have a breakdown. Between getting my masters, work, him, and family issues, I am NOT OKAY.
Him and I never had "closure." But today, when I had a freak out, and since he was my best friend for all of those years before we were together, I needed to hear his voice. I called him, bawling about my problems and told him I missed him and can't do this anymore. I just wanted him here. I still want him here, hell.
But what will that honestly do for me? Who knows.
I'm facing a multitude of crazy emotions and all I want is his comfort and arms to lay in. He told me that we agreed to break up for a reason and that he was talking to other people. This was really hard to hear. I deactivated my social media so I don't have to see him on there any more. The next step will be to block him. This is all coming too quick. So many things going on. I cannot deal with them as well as I thought I could...jesus. Someone pray for me.
Him and I never had "closure." But today, when I had a freak out, and since he was my best friend for all of those years before we were together, I needed to hear his voice. I called him, bawling about my problems and told him I missed him and can't do this anymore. I just wanted him here. I still want him here, hell.
But what will that honestly do for me? Who knows.
I'm facing a multitude of crazy emotions and all I want is his comfort and arms to lay in. He told me that we agreed to break up for a reason and that he was talking to other people. This was really hard to hear. I deactivated my social media so I don't have to see him on there any more. The next step will be to block him. This is all coming too quick. So many things going on. I cannot deal with them as well as I thought I could...jesus. Someone pray for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Ok, so after breaking up you called him, told him you love him, and now block your phone? You have a lot on your plate and it might be a good idea to take a deep breath and set your priorities. Work and masters degree may be. But getting back with an active alcoholic who doesn't treat you with basic respect isn't going to help at all. It will make it worse. What saved my sanity was Alanon and I recommend it. In the meantime, breatheeee
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 135
Sorry for your pain, RedDog. it hurts so bad... I KNOW!! I wish i could take your pain away. Just know that it won't always feel this way. I honestly thought i was going to die of heartbreak when my relationship ended 7 months ago. Then to find out 2 months later he had a new gf was another heartbreak! Don't go back to him because you don't want to feel the pain. Go through it now or deal with more pain and go through it later. Be strong!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
RedDog.....you need that soft place to fall......but, it ain't him.
I soo understand that feeling of needing comforting arms to run to when the world just gets so hard. For some people...maybe they never really felt that they had that anywhere.
But, it can come in the arms of a dear friend or a grandmother or --- or just anyone who really cares about us....and values us for just who we are...and, believes in us.
Some of us might fantasize that it will automatically come from our love interest---but, a cruel reality is that it is not always the case. Sometimes, we have selected someone who doesn't have the ability to fill that role for us.
Do you have o thers in your life that can fill that need when you need it (besides him)?
If you don't....I'm thinking that developing those kinds of relationships woul be the best thing you could do for yourself.
Then, if a man comes along who can also do the "job"---well, then you have a real bonus.
dandylion
I soo understand that feeling of needing comforting arms to run to when the world just gets so hard. For some people...maybe they never really felt that they had that anywhere.
But, it can come in the arms of a dear friend or a grandmother or --- or just anyone who really cares about us....and values us for just who we are...and, believes in us.
Some of us might fantasize that it will automatically come from our love interest---but, a cruel reality is that it is not always the case. Sometimes, we have selected someone who doesn't have the ability to fill that role for us.
Do you have o thers in your life that can fill that need when you need it (besides him)?
If you don't....I'm thinking that developing those kinds of relationships woul be the best thing you could do for yourself.
Then, if a man comes along who can also do the "job"---well, then you have a real bonus.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I'm sorry for your pain. I hold on to a pillow and pray when I'm feeling like you are. It hurst very badly and I always think I want him to hold me. But everytime (thankfully) I let my guard down and am vulnerable, he shows me what a huge jerk he is and then I'm glad for that pillow instead! I also tell myself it is better to be alone and lonely than with someone and lonely! Hugs sent your way!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
He doesn't deserve you and gets a thrill out of messing with your head.. You're strong you can do this. You know deep down inside he will always treat you bad .. I know it hurts like hell but what your going through is very normal
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Wait - this is the same person who sent you a song a couple of days ago texting that he loves you and wanted you to come over right?
Now, he makes it sound like the break up was a mutual decision you both made and oh btw, he is talking with other people. Uh huh.
This guy likes to keep a choke collar on you. When he wants you he wants you to come running. When you want him ya'll are broken up and he is dating others. Come on. Things would be fine between the two of you if you would quit b*tching about his alcohol consumption, and turn your head to the fact that he is sleeping (an has been) with other people.
Its very hard to realize that what you thought a person was is not true. You have a history with him apparently before you started dating. Maybe who he is now is who he always was you just had no reason to know it. Or, maybe the alcoholism has changed him. I tend to believe this is who he always has been - sounds like he has some serious issues beyond drinking.
I'm pretty sure you can have this person back in your life if you want....on his terms that is. He will call you when its convenient. He will see you when its convenient. You are not to ask him anything about what he is doing because when he deigns to give you some of his time he makes the rules, and btw you are broken up and its none of your business. When he is lonely he'll call you and ask you why did you break up with him blah blah blah, and please come over he needs you. Then as soon as he gets what he wants (sex) he'll go back to being broken up with you, and please leave him alone what he does is his business ya'll are broken up.
Hope you are seeing this pattern. He is showing you who he really is believe him.
Now, he makes it sound like the break up was a mutual decision you both made and oh btw, he is talking with other people. Uh huh.
This guy likes to keep a choke collar on you. When he wants you he wants you to come running. When you want him ya'll are broken up and he is dating others. Come on. Things would be fine between the two of you if you would quit b*tching about his alcohol consumption, and turn your head to the fact that he is sleeping (an has been) with other people.
Its very hard to realize that what you thought a person was is not true. You have a history with him apparently before you started dating. Maybe who he is now is who he always was you just had no reason to know it. Or, maybe the alcoholism has changed him. I tend to believe this is who he always has been - sounds like he has some serious issues beyond drinking.
I'm pretty sure you can have this person back in your life if you want....on his terms that is. He will call you when its convenient. He will see you when its convenient. You are not to ask him anything about what he is doing because when he deigns to give you some of his time he makes the rules, and btw you are broken up and its none of your business. When he is lonely he'll call you and ask you why did you break up with him blah blah blah, and please come over he needs you. Then as soon as he gets what he wants (sex) he'll go back to being broken up with you, and please leave him alone what he does is his business ya'll are broken up.
Hope you are seeing this pattern. He is showing you who he really is believe him.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
So sorry reddog sounds as though you have so much going on. I understand that you wanted him to help you its your instinct to go to that someone you love for reassurance and support, I did it so many times and still do. I want him to make it all better but he can't, neither can your ex. They are not able to help themselves never mind us, only we can do that
I agree no contact is the best way to go, I know it's hard I fought it for so long. Ur now I realsie that I can focus so much more on me and not get myself all crazy thinking about the whys, how's, what he's doing, thinking, although I still do its lesser now that I've no contact we only had contact recently about our divorce and I could feel the crazy starting in me.
Take some deep breaths, have you tried meditation for when your feeling overwhelmed it has helped me so much.
You will get through this one step at a time.
I agree no contact is the best way to go, I know it's hard I fought it for so long. Ur now I realsie that I can focus so much more on me and not get myself all crazy thinking about the whys, how's, what he's doing, thinking, although I still do its lesser now that I've no contact we only had contact recently about our divorce and I could feel the crazy starting in me.
Take some deep breaths, have you tried meditation for when your feeling overwhelmed it has helped me so much.
You will get through this one step at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Pretty sure it's anvil that says play the movie all the way thru.
You say, you "want nothing more than to be back in his arms" ok I get that, but then what????
You will still be in a situation with an unavailable partner. He does not love or respect you, he does not love or respect himself, currently this is a dead end street, and you can't continue to beat yourself up for trying your damnest. What was, isn't any longer, all you can do is live in your today.
I could only accept and surrender to the loss of this toxic situation, ( I refuse to call it a relationship)
Do something good for yourself today, you are certainly worthy.
You say, you "want nothing more than to be back in his arms" ok I get that, but then what????
You will still be in a situation with an unavailable partner. He does not love or respect you, he does not love or respect himself, currently this is a dead end street, and you can't continue to beat yourself up for trying your damnest. What was, isn't any longer, all you can do is live in your today.
I could only accept and surrender to the loss of this toxic situation, ( I refuse to call it a relationship)
Do something good for yourself today, you are certainly worthy.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
This is a guy who cheated on you and blamed it on you. This is a guy who gave you an STD. This is a guy who steals from your housemate. This is a guy who is completely emotionally incapable of love. Hun, it's not him you want or love. It's your idea of him. You want a guy to take care of your needs, to respect and love you and treat you well. You just haven't found him yet. My heart really goes out to you. Just try to stay strong. Someone better will be along just as soon as you are ready for him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Sending you strength! You are very smart. Your head seems completely wrapped around the situation....but damn those blasted feelings. I'm so sorry. "Short term pain for long term gain. We say that here A LOT. And it is the truth. You know you deserve better, we know you deserve better, your broken heart just needs to get the hell on board. I know. Man, I just know..lots of empathy. (((HUGS)))
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Oh my dear, I totally get your pain here. You are thirsty and keep running to an empty well. No, contact. He can't make it better, he is only a way for you to distract yourself from all that is around you. Distracting yourself doesn't solve the problems for you any more than getting wasted solves the problems for them. Breathe
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Wait - this is the same person who sent you a song a couple of days ago texting that he loves you and wanted you to come over right? Now, he makes it sound like the break up was a mutual decision you both made and oh btw, he is talking with other people. Uh huh. This guy likes to keep a choke collar on you. When he wants you he wants you to come running. When you want him ya'll are broken up and he is dating others. Come on. Things would be fine between the two of you if you would quit b*tching about his alcohol consumption, and turn your head to the fact that he is sleeping (an has been) with other people. Its very hard to realize that what you thought a person was is not true. You have a history with him apparently before you started dating. Maybe who he is now is who he always was you just had no reason to know it. Or, maybe the alcoholism has changed him. I tend to believe this is who he always has been - sounds like he has some serious issues beyond drinking. I'm pretty sure you can have this person back in your life if you want....on his terms that is. He will call you when its convenient. He will see you when its convenient. You are not to ask him anything about what he is doing because when he deigns to give you some of his time he makes the rules, and btw you are broken up and its none of your business. When he is lonely he'll call you and ask you why did you break up with him blah blah blah, and please come over he needs you. Then as soon as he gets what he wants (sex) he'll go back to being broken up with you, and please leave him alone what he does is his business ya'll are broken up. Hope you are seeing this pattern. He is showing you who he really is believe him.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by RedDog735
If I keep touching the stove and it's hot, how many times before I learn not to do it again? This hurts... So bad.
Great analogy!!!! And unfortunately not as simple to learn!
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