auroraxborealis

My X's sister in law invited me to her daughters birthday party at the end of the month. This is similar to what happened last fall (there's a lot of little ones in his family).

I went on FB to change my "maybe" to a "no." X's new gf has RSVPd to be there, and I just can't do it. I told sister in law I wouldn't be able to make it. She just said awww. Maybe I'll pick up a Kuspuk or something for her and just send that.

His family still texts that they miss me. I miss them so much.

I also get home either the same day or the day before. I'll be taking an 17hr or so drive back home, so I probably will be too tired anyways to go to the party. And I've got my two best friends' new baby girls to visit, too. I'll probably get shot if I don't do that ASAP.

All this to say I did check X's FB last night. And his gf's. I know. I know.

There wasn't anything exciting. Some new pics of them (yet he wouldn't ever take any with me?!) But that didn't get me. The worst part is that he cut his hair. he had the most wonderful curly hair (hey, I am a hairdresser after all!) and that's what made me the most sad. I guess if that was the worst part of it I got lucky this time!

No real reason to post, just haven't been here in a while. Work's been kicking my butt.

Not sure what's going to happen when I get home. I might work in town where the salon is, which means I'll be able to take some evening appointments instead of Saturday's. Or both. Extra money will be nice since I've signed up for two summer classes. Idk if that means I'll see him a lot. He's still in the HWH as far as I know so probably not.

Ugh. I wish I could just be ok and not worry about running into him. And it could be like seeing any old friend. I wish I was strong enough to for that. I feel like I have such a blind spot for him.

zoso77

For what it's worth, Aurora, every now and again at work, I bump into the girl I thought I was going to marry. In fact, I bumped into her two weeks ago. And every time I do, I blow her off.

Why?

Long story short, I'm fortunate I didn't marry her. When serious situations arise that test and reveal someone's true character, you have to pay attention to what you see. In my case, a serious situation came up, and she revealed her true character. To be blunt, it's rotten, and there is no indication that she'll ever have anything but a rotten character. So I ice her, and at times, I've been quite rude. I don't care if I'm rude. The only thing that matters is protecting myself from someone I know to be bad news. And for that, I will never apologize.

The only way I will have anything to do with her is if she shows genuine contrition for being such a selfish, self-seeking eff'ing beeyotch. But on a probability scale of 0 to 1, with 0 being no probability and 1 being the event will happen, there's about a 10^-6 chance she'll do that.

In your case, your AXBF is bad news. There is no indication he will ever be anything but bad news. And there's one of two ways you can handle it. You can hold out a slither of hope that one day, seeing him will be like seeing any old friend. Or finally give yourself permission to take care of yourself, ice the *****, and cut off ties with his family for good.

Keeping those ties will not allow you to move forward. Neither will holding out hope that he'll smarten up. The chances he'll smarten up are the same as my ex showing contrition, and maybe less.

allmirages

Thank you Zoso77. Very true words. Aurora, I know exactly where you are coming from. I deactivated my FB then reactivated it. I thought, why should I deny myself socialization with my far away friends and family. We share pics of our kids, etc. But.......and there's always a BUT....I looked. Again. And, of course, saw what I already know to be true...mine has moved on. I went a few weeks with no checking at all. You know what I found, I thought about him less. I was able to really focus on me. Then when I saw his face, it's like a rush of feelings came over me. Not the lovey dovey type....I'm talking about sadness, then anger, then resentment, etc. The point is, nothing GOOD. Please try to stay strong. I am again trying to take my own advice and do the same thing.

And, in regard to the family ties. I talk with a family member of his. He's the only one that can relate to all we've been through while my ex was in active addiction then commiserating on how we were both cut out. But when we talk, again....it sets me back. I have to make a clean break, and although I hate it, it must be done. Hugs to you. Everyone tells me it is a grieving process, and I do believe that. Take care!

hopeful4

Ugh. I can so relate. My X's niece, who I was very close with, is getting married in July. My daughters are in the wedding. She had a shower over the weekend that I was not invited to, which I completely understand, it would not be appropriate

All of my X's family were there, including my daughter who I dropped off and picked up at the house where the shower was b/c we were near there anyways. His new fiancée is a cake decorator and she made the cake, which was fab of course (I saw a pic). I am not jealous, but it hurts to be left out of things. Totally and completely get it.

Hugs to you. It does get better with time, I promise.

auroraxborealis

Part of it is, is that it's not like I formed the relationships with his family because he brought me to dinner. I knew most of them before him, and when he was locked up for a year and a half I hung out with them on my own. So idk maybe that's meaningless. But damn. This sucks. What was that thing someone posted last week or so? Heroin takes? Heroin takes.

zoso77

The relationships you have with his family aren't meaningless. They were very real for both you and them.

I dated a girl for 10 years. But when it ended, so did the relationships I had with her family. And I miss her sister and her husband, and their two kids to this day.

But it's over.

Look at the price you're paying by staying in touch with his family. Is it worth it?

auroraxborealis

Sorry- I meant it might be meaningless on how I got to know them. No, the relationships weren't meaningless. I know that