jarp

Thanks everyone for the support. I'm not sure what came out of our counselling session...she's an addiction psych from his inpatient rehab...also leads his group work. She's classifying this as a lapse...and time will tell if it's a full relapse. We set some boundaries around this, and she's calling me later to have a private chat.

It's only a matter of time I'm sure, but I feel a bit calmer now we've got some practicalities out of the way.mJust exhausted though.

cookiesncream

I'm soooo very sorry Jarp. You've done everything you possibly could have done. I know I've mentioned this before but sadly the reality is that all the boundaries in the world won't make us "A's" want sobriety for ourselves. We may stay sober for a time to appease others but frankly it never "sticks" unless there is some powerful inner motivation. Call it "the will to live" or to want something else more in our lives more than alcohol but its a toughie. Boundaries can't make us have that fire that leads to true recovery. Bipolar PLUS alcohol was a tough road to travel. Just tonight in a recovery meeting I attended the leader talked about how vitally important it is to find new things, new passions to fill our lives with or we are at serious risk of relapse. It sounds like your hubbie didn't do that, that was out of your control. I'm sorry what you're going through. Hubbie had a friend over with a s/o in your hubbies condition and just listening that persons angst was enough to make me never want to drink again. Your hubbie is on a slow road to complete destruction. Feel bad for awhile but count this one as another lesson learned. Maybe someday down the road you'll find that three's a charm but get out now and be kind to yourself. You are a good and loving person and deserve so much more than you have.


peace

killerinstinct

Love whether u stay or go it's going to be hard and hurt like hell... Don't be hard on yourself... It's just if you leave other things will hurt compared to the things that will hurt if you stay

hopeful4

Jarp, I get the feeling you are future tripping big time. I did the same for a very long time. Just focus on getting through today, just this day.

Sending you lotsa love!

Duckygirl1

I'm so sorry you're in this stew. The thing that makes it click for us is diffrent. I don't know what yours is, but it isn't beating up on your wonderful self. ((((Hugs))))

redatlanta

So what the HELL is wrong with me. My 'boundary' haha is to not live with an active alcoholic. But he's upstairs asleep.

Why can't I believe this is happening and enforce my own bloody boundary? What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with you is what is wrong with most people who come here. Its better the Devil that you know that the Devil that you don't. Do you not think the habituation of crazy town is what you are used to? And now the thought of getting him out, proceeding in divorce, dealing with what happens when you do kick him out (like the suicide bender that went on and on).

Firm believer in codependency but sometimes I don't think its about co-dependency. Its about not having the energy to climb Mt. Everest after having already climbed Mt. Mckinley. Just worn-out.

Someone wrote a recent thread about why they left their 20 something year marriage I thought it was Serious Karma but I can't find it. The post mentioned something about how much pain someone can take and the OP said she had a endless rope no matter how much pain the alcoholic dumped on her she withstood it. Anyone know that thread? There was a lot of ES & H about what it takes to leave that was a different perspective than I had read before.

Anyway, hugs to you Jarp. This too shall pass.

jarp

Thanks everyone.

On this one - the therapist said the same...that I am catastrophising a little (but that this was very understandable and also 'normal').

That only I know when enough is enough - and she does believe that I will know when that is.

But she did put things in context in terms of alcohol recovery - she had the stats for the number of alcoholics that on first go, never pick up a drink again. She believes that AH has a very strong desire to not drink 'problematically' but she does question what drives this desire (said this in front of him). That initially she believed he was driven by his desire to be well for himself, but that she's seen this slip, and shift more into a desire to not lose his family.

She believes the next month is critical - if AH doesn't take action to get out of his current funk then its going to be very entrenched, and very dangerous to his recovery. She and his psychiatrist are going to work on this with him, but at the end of the day its up to him.

We had a good one on one chat - she validated my feelings of needing to know I had done everything. She also fed back to me the positive changes she's seen in me, and in him, which can be hard to remember in the moment. I felt good after our talk - stronger - she's really awesome (especially given at the end of the day it's HIM that she is her patient)!

cookiesncream

This won't help you in the least but I do think as someone in recovery that getting sober for other people is very very very common. I think probably 98% of people I went through outpatient rehab with were there either because they had legal issues due to alcohol and were being forced to by the law in order to stay out of jail or they were told get help or get out. I think to say get sober for yourself but oh by the way if you don't your out is a bit of a conflicted message. I'm an ACOA and I really don't blame families at all for the "get sober or get out" stance. I really and truly don't. Honestly though its really really really hard to STAY sober in these circumstances. This is why every day I read about relapses here. This is why every single day on my sobriety forum I read about another person that relapsed. Finding the inner motivation to find new ways of coping with the world is hard. I'm not trying to excuse the bad behavior. Heck today I spent an hour in a therapists office, an hour attending a sobriety meeting, I've knit about a bath towels worth today, and I'm here. I know addiction is a nightmare. I empathize greatly. There isn't a day I read a post here that I'm not reminded of my own 7-10th grades with an alcoholic dad. But.... I do empathize with your husband and he will HAVE to muster the inner resources to do this for HIMSELF or he loses the battle.

Sorry I'm sure this isn't helpful for you. I just wanted to give you my take for another perspective.

Peace,

Cookies