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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Woodstock
Posts: 12
New here!
Hi! I guess it's time to make an introduction! I've been married to my AH for 11 years. We didn't drink at all or very much in the beginning. Then socially/on weekends. Then after a couple more kids (we have 3) it became more frequent (for him).
My husband has severe IBS/Crohns (has had since he was a teenager), migraines, and an anxious personality. He's a worrier and he's incredibly smart- IQ in the 140s, amazing software architect and electrical engineer, etc. He uses all of the above to justify his drinking. I am lucky in the fact that he drinks at home, never drives, isn't abusive at all, doesn't hide drinking. He mostly sleeps a lot on alcohol.
He went through detox last week after an incredibly bad week at home. His liver had had enough and he was pretty sick. Now he is attending a 12 day inpatient rehab program- not 12 step based- that his amazing parents are paying for. I have high hopes that this will be it for him but I'm also realistic. I know the probability of a relapse is high.
I came here for support and advice. So far I've found lots of advice reading other's posts but thought it was time to make myself known to grab some of that support as well! Any tips in particular on what to expect when he gets home?
My husband has severe IBS/Crohns (has had since he was a teenager), migraines, and an anxious personality. He's a worrier and he's incredibly smart- IQ in the 140s, amazing software architect and electrical engineer, etc. He uses all of the above to justify his drinking. I am lucky in the fact that he drinks at home, never drives, isn't abusive at all, doesn't hide drinking. He mostly sleeps a lot on alcohol.
He went through detox last week after an incredibly bad week at home. His liver had had enough and he was pretty sick. Now he is attending a 12 day inpatient rehab program- not 12 step based- that his amazing parents are paying for. I have high hopes that this will be it for him but I'm also realistic. I know the probability of a relapse is high.
I came here for support and advice. So far I've found lots of advice reading other's posts but thought it was time to make myself known to grab some of that support as well! Any tips in particular on what to expect when he gets home?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Hi
No tips really, I guess you will have a good idea of where his head will be at once he returns back to normal life.
It's tough. Unfortunately my husband relapsed after two weeks home but there are many other success stories here as well. I guess it really just depends only on the individual - the readiness and the support they have set up and ready to go on the outside.
I didn't really know how to react to his relapse, I was pretty angry which probably didn't help things. In hindsight, I probably should have educated myself before he came home regarding how to deal with that. He relapsed so quickly, I hadn't gone to an Alanon meeting yet at the time. But if you can start sooner rather than later so think that's a good way to go.
Hope it all works out.
No tips really, I guess you will have a good idea of where his head will be at once he returns back to normal life.
It's tough. Unfortunately my husband relapsed after two weeks home but there are many other success stories here as well. I guess it really just depends only on the individual - the readiness and the support they have set up and ready to go on the outside.
I didn't really know how to react to his relapse, I was pretty angry which probably didn't help things. In hindsight, I probably should have educated myself before he came home regarding how to deal with that. He relapsed so quickly, I hadn't gone to an Alanon meeting yet at the time. But if you can start sooner rather than later so think that's a good way to go.
Hope it all works out.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi and welcome!
Advice? Hm... Well, I found that Al-Anon was a great source of support for me. I didn't realize how many unhealthy habits I had gotten used to in order to deal with AXH's drinking until I heard other people tell stories about what they did -- and thought "OMG, I'm doing that same thing, and until I heard someone else say it, I didn't hear how crazy it sounds!"
It's difficult to protest when the person you're married to says they drink "because [x, y, z]" because I felt like a heel saying what I thought -- which was "you know, there are millions of people in the world dealing with much worse who somehow manage to get through the day without getting drunk off their arses"... because I kept hearing how I could never understand how difficult his life was because my life was so darn peachy.
The other thing I would say to anyone living with an alcoholic is don't lose yourself. I found that I adjusted my opinion of what was "acceptable" until there was nothing left of me. I think regardless of how long your AH is gone, and what kind of program he is in, it could be a good thing for you to focus on YOU and on what you want out of life. Make sure you're not allowing yourself to be reduced to a bit character in his life; insist on playing the lead role in your own.
And ask any questions you want here -- there's a lot of experience from all kinds of situations on this board!
Advice? Hm... Well, I found that Al-Anon was a great source of support for me. I didn't realize how many unhealthy habits I had gotten used to in order to deal with AXH's drinking until I heard other people tell stories about what they did -- and thought "OMG, I'm doing that same thing, and until I heard someone else say it, I didn't hear how crazy it sounds!"
It's difficult to protest when the person you're married to says they drink "because [x, y, z]" because I felt like a heel saying what I thought -- which was "you know, there are millions of people in the world dealing with much worse who somehow manage to get through the day without getting drunk off their arses"... because I kept hearing how I could never understand how difficult his life was because my life was so darn peachy.
The other thing I would say to anyone living with an alcoholic is don't lose yourself. I found that I adjusted my opinion of what was "acceptable" until there was nothing left of me. I think regardless of how long your AH is gone, and what kind of program he is in, it could be a good thing for you to focus on YOU and on what you want out of life. Make sure you're not allowing yourself to be reduced to a bit character in his life; insist on playing the lead role in your own.
And ask any questions you want here -- there's a lot of experience from all kinds of situations on this board!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Welcome and thanks for saying hello. Glad you've found advice reading about everyone here. Keep posting, and I'm happy for you that your husband is getting the help he needs.
What (besides posting here) will be doing for yourself?
What (besides posting here) will be doing for yourself?
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi and welcome to SR. you are very welcome and you will receive so much support here. Something that was drilled into me when I first joined was what are you doing for you and eventually it clicked. Our lives revolve around the A and we don't focus on us or what we want and need. So what are you doing for yourself to help, do you have a counsellor, family who are understanding?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Woodstock
Posts: 12
Thanks everyone! Dandylion, right now he is in rehab- or at least I think that's what you call it. He detoxed last week and is now in a program that is teaching him how to manage the things he used to self-medicate with alcohol for.
I am probably not doing enough for myself yet- to be honest at the moment I'm just enjoying some alone time free from the insanity that was the last couple of months. The kids are enjoying not having cranky overprotective daddy around (of course they miss him, but things are a lot more relaxed when he's not here!). I'm mostly worried about how I will feel when he comes home- I will be used to not having him breathing down my neck all the time! We homeschool and he works from home.....bad combo sometimes. Anyway, back to the point- not enough for myself yet. I would love to try Al-Anon for sure. Or a counselor. Family is great- his parents are paying for this wellness program and have done nothing but help me otherwise. However this will be his one and only chance for that. They will dish out tough love if they need to.
I am probably not doing enough for myself yet- to be honest at the moment I'm just enjoying some alone time free from the insanity that was the last couple of months. The kids are enjoying not having cranky overprotective daddy around (of course they miss him, but things are a lot more relaxed when he's not here!). I'm mostly worried about how I will feel when he comes home- I will be used to not having him breathing down my neck all the time! We homeschool and he works from home.....bad combo sometimes. Anyway, back to the point- not enough for myself yet. I would love to try Al-Anon for sure. Or a counselor. Family is great- his parents are paying for this wellness program and have done nothing but help me otherwise. However this will be his one and only chance for that. They will dish out tough love if they need to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Woodstock
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by lillamy 
Hi and welcome!
It's difficult to protest when the person you're married to says they drink "because [x, y, z]" because I felt like a heel saying what I thought -- which was "you know, there are millions of people in the world dealing with much worse who somehow manage to get through the day without getting drunk off their arses"... because I kept hearing how I could never understand how difficult his life was because my life was so darn peachy.
The other thing I would say to anyone living with an alcoholic is don't lose yourself. I found that I adjusted my opinion of what was "acceptable" until there was nothing left of me. I think regardless of how long your AH is gone, and what kind of program he is in, it could be a good thing for you to focus on YOU and on what you want out of life. Make sure you're not allowing yourself to be reduced to a bit character in his life; insist on playing the lead role in your own.
It's difficult to protest when the person you're married to says they drink "because [x, y, z]" because I felt like a heel saying what I thought -- which was "you know, there are millions of people in the world dealing with much worse who somehow manage to get through the day without getting drunk off their arses"... because I kept hearing how I could never understand how difficult his life was because my life was so darn peachy.
The other thing I would say to anyone living with an alcoholic is don't lose yourself. I found that I adjusted my opinion of what was "acceptable" until there was nothing left of me. I think regardless of how long your AH is gone, and what kind of program he is in, it could be a good thing for you to focus on YOU and on what you want out of life. Make sure you're not allowing yourself to be reduced to a bit character in his life; insist on playing the lead role in your own.
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