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I should probably admit to it

Old 03-29-2015, 09:42 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
It is hard to work through something like rape. Have you considered counseling or a support group for moving through the feelings you have regarding that?

I know you know that it wasn't your fault. You can't change what happened in the past but you can learn to not dwell on the memory and to forgive your attacker.

I don't believe no one likes you or that you've alienated everyone. That sounds like something I've told myself in the past, but it isn't true. It's a lie based on self esteem, and that can be mended.
I totally agree.

I am very sorry for what happened to you, TS.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:44 AM
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Very sorry that you went through a very bad thing like that.
You're not rambling, you're just chatting with friends here.

I have the same situation, the bar I used to frequent is within walking distance.
That place was my hang out for quite some time. Now it is just a place I walk by when out with my dog.

You can do this. I am always in awe of the spirit and strength that comes when somebody is determined to change.
I can tell by you words here, you are somebody that will get this under control.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:49 AM
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Thank you everyone! Your support and words mean so much, they really do.

And I look forward to posting on Day 5 and 6 that I made it. That's my short term goal right now. I'll build on that from there.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:50 AM
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I think alcohol use is a lot like the trauma.

It is a bad thought that becomes a habit. Dwelling on the rape is a bad habit. Allowing thoughts of drinking to become action is a bad habit. Reacting in anger is a bad habit. Changing our reactions changes our experience.



Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post


Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts.
You hit the nail on the head with that one.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by TennantSmith View Post
You hit the nail on the head with that one.
When I first read that (somewhere online) I just blinked and stared at it.

It's a good one. One of my favorites.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:12 AM
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You can do this TennantSmith!!

I think for a long time I needed to change my drinking, but until I finally got the motivation to do it and see the benefits of it nothing changed!!

It sounds like you want this for you!!
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:17 AM
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Welcome to the family. We understand you like no one else because we are you.

Why not join us on the 24 hour thread. We commit each day to not drink for 24 hours. It's the #1 tool in my sobriety toolbox. Many who have posted on this thread are on that one too. It's a phenomenal group of people!

I think one of the most healing things we can hear when going thru something traumatic is "Me too." or "I get it."

Me too.

I get it.

Hugs & love!
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:27 AM
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Purpleknight, I do.

I mean, my daughters matter, too, of course. But they are getting older and starting their own lives (twins about to be seniors in high school and an almost sophomore). So while I am still responsible for them, that natural separation that happens as teenagers begin the transition to adulthood and independence has begun.

The other changes I have been making in my life have been for myself. Something is clicking in me that says "You are better. You can do better!" I have to quit drinking because those thoughts quickly get replaced by "You are worthless, stupid, ugly, fat, unloved, unwanted."

I've had periods of sobriety before. I didn't actively start drinking until my early 30's. I remember my last bout of sobriety, I told someone "I feel like a light came on in me and all the anxiety, sadness, hatred I had is gone" I feel sane when I don't drink.

Each day, in the beginning, that I didn't smoke, there was such a sense of empowerment and accomplishment. I could feel myself feeling more and more proud of myself. That is all destroyed when I choose to drink.

And honestly, when I know I am going to drink, I get such a sadness. Sometimes, there are tears. Even before I take a drink, I feel so defeated. And I have the power to NOT feel that way.

It really is insane, isn't it?
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:27 AM
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HeartaFire, thank you . . . so so very much. I'll head over there now.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by TennantSmith View Post
Biminblue, I agree 100% because that is how I used to drink. And that's why I know I have to take control of it now because I don't want to return to that place.

I've lost so much because of my drinking. More than I ever realized. Relationships, contentment, peace, trust, material items, jobs. I'm just now fully coming to terms with what drinking has done to my life. So, I should probably stop wondering "If" I have a problem and accept that I "Do" have a problem.
Gonna go back a bit and comment about getting through the thought of a drink.
When I was drinking I dont think there was one time I listened to that thought. Knowing possible consequences- knowing that once I had one there was no end until I got drunk, blacked out, usually did and said insane things, then passed out- didn't help. I just could not not drink that first one.
Eventually I crossed a line and didn't give a crap. No fighting to not drink the first one. I no longer cared and just wanted to get drunk, which lasted quite a few years a d progressively got worse( not necessarily the quantity got worse. I didn't care how much it took and I was rather a lightweight,which I got lighter weight as the disease of alcoholism progressed).
Then after I got sober I had days that I had to fight tooth,nail, and claw to not go run for a drink. I spent a LOT of time praying. The obsession was quite strong and I had times I got very angry that I couldn't get rid of the thought of drinking.
One of the things that kept me fighting- the path of destruction I left in my wake. The destroyed relationship, jobs I either got fired from or gave to someone more responsible ( I never lost a job. They were still there after I left or got fired),friends that didn't want me around any more, family that didn't really want me around as they had no clue what antics would happen.....and the main thing was how I felt about myself- I felt I was a useless,worthless POS.
I admitted alcohol was the common denominator in all that and it wasn't going to help anymore, so I fought for my life. There were some very difficult days and sme days difficult minutes, but I kept fighting.
Through it I was working on myself. I was facing me and finding out what makes me tick and facing the wreckage and doing what I could to sweep off my side of the street. and as promised in the program I worked( ad live today) I ceased fighting alcohol. The problem with alcohol was removed. No more fighting,

Staying sober has been easy and worth every second I had to fight.

And it all started with admitting I had a problem with alcohol and was willing to do whatever I had to do to get and stay sober.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:45 AM
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I was a binge drinker for a long time so, if I were in your shoes, I would journal every day and with brutal honesty. See how many times I played Scarlet: How many things did I NOT deal with as they occurred and just let build to the 5th-day pressure-release. How many times did I really want to get "ugly" but saved it til drunk day to unload?
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:47 AM
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Tenant -

Giving up the fifth day means giving up your way of releasing emotionally. The fact that it is a spaced interval indicates to me that it isn't a physical addiction. In some ways that is easier, but in many ways more difficult, as the need to "check out" is so powerful that it "makes" you drink on the fifth day, even though your body doesn't need or even want it...

I was also not physically addicted to alcohol, but found that when I committed to total abstinence I had to address issues of deep loneliness & a lack of joy in my life. I was doing all the right things in every moment that I didn't drink (fitness, challenging profession, community involvement), but could only "relax and be myself" by drinking...

As to a support system for the rape & with quitting drinking - I am also trained as a counselor, and so receiving support was just about impossible for me. The only role I was comfortable in was problem solver. I've had therapists say the same thing, that I am basically paying them to be audience/witness as I share my issues, then tackle them, then "solve them." I could do that in the comfort of my own home, right? Except that I have limited perceptions, and so will never move beyond the edge of my "already known" if I'm the only person allowed to weigh in on my issues.

Becoming an advocate after an experience like rape allows great healing - through telling your story & wearing the horrific experience with your own power & bravery you work through lots of the victimization. BUT, the missing element is the ability to be soft & hurt & anguished & then to be comforted through that by another human being. When you are a public advocate you have to hold that mask of bravery over your true face, because people are counting on you to be strong for them...

So consider that this whole bit with the five day alcohol cycle might be tied in with your need to take a break from the intensity of your expectations of yourself & you may need to approach both bits simultaneously - opening your heart, trusting that others have something to give you, and releasing a crutch that is holding you aloof from that experience.

I couldn't resolve any of my core issues until I quit drinking entirely. Like you, I had a well developed life without alcohol, but still felt that it was necessary to me... I am learning to open & allow others to know me & support me, & I know that I would not have taken these risks until I got entirely sober.

You came to the right place! This community means so much to me.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:49 AM
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Turtle, I think you mentioned something very important: the build-up of pressure. That's exactly what it's like, an intense build-up and when I know I can drink, there is a relief intertwined with the intense sadness.

I've been realizing lately as I work out more, that exercise relieves that pressure so much better than alcohol. But I do think I will resume my journaling.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:58 AM
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Originally Posted by heartcore View Post
Tenant -

Giving up the fifth day means giving up your way of releasing emotionally. The fact that it is a spaced interval indicates to me that it isn't a physical addiction. In some ways that is easier, but in many ways more difficult, as the need to "check out" is so powerful that it "makes" you drink on the fifth day, even though your body doesn't need or even want it...

I was also not physically addicted to alcohol, but found that when I committed to total abstinence I had to address issues of deep loneliness & a lack of joy in my life. I was doing all the right things in every moment that I didn't drink (fitness, challenging profession, community involvement), but could only "relax and be myself" by drinking...

As to a support system for the rape & with quitting drinking - I am also trained as a counselor, and so receiving support was just about impossible for me. The only role I was comfortable in was problem solver. I've had therapists say the same thing, that I am basically paying them to be audience/witness as I share my issues, then tackle them, then "solve them." I could do that in the comfort of my own home, right? Except that I have limited perceptions, and so will never move beyond the edge of my "already known" if I'm the only person allowed to weigh in on my issues.

Becoming an advocate after an experience like rape allows great healing - through telling your story & wearing the horrific experience with your own power & bravery you work through lots of the victimization. BUT, the missing element is the ability to be soft & hurt & anguished & then to be comforted through that by another human being. When you are a public advocate you have to hold that mask of bravery over your true face, because people are counting on you to be strong for them...

So consider that this whole bit with the five day alcohol cycle might be tied in with your need to take a break from the intensity of your expectations of yourself & you may need to approach both bits simultaneously - opening your heart, trusting that others have something to give you, and releasing a crutch that is holding you aloof from that experience.

I couldn't resolve any of my core issues until I quit drinking entirely. Like you, I had a well developed life without alcohol, but still felt that it was necessary to me... I am learning to open & allow others to know me & support me, & I know that I would not have taken these risks until I got entirely sober.

You came to the right place! This community means so much to me.
I'm sitting here in tears right now. No one has captured "me" so perfectly with words. Thank you. So so very much for your words.

I cannot remember the last time I was held, really held and allow to be vulnerable, to break. I'm always the strong one. I'm the one that takes care of everyone. Even when I go out, I end up being the bar marriage counselor, resource advisor, etc.

I'll leave the bar and come home and feel so much loneliness. It's so intense. I am surrounded by people at times and looked up to by others and I feel so completely alone because I do not think even one person realizes how deeply I need to stop being the giver and I just need to take for a bit.

But I'm also scared of letting anyone that close, so as I mentioned previously, I push people away. It's a crazy place to be in: I want people in my life but I'm scared to have anyone close as well.

Anyway, your words meant so much to me.

Thank you.
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