16 years... shot to hell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: omaha
Posts: 4
16 years... shot to hell.
I have read many posts on this site for a while. But decided to become actively involved.
I was sober for 16 years. Really wasn't hard to do.... AFTER I quit drinking.
About 4 years ago... I stopped paying attention to my sobriety in the same way.
My mom got sick for a few years about ten years ago, kids, life etc. So I started drinking a little. And I do mean a little. A few herd and there. Two months after my mom died, my wife (40 years old) was diagnosed with stage iv lungIcancer. Quite a shock for her age and because she didn't smoke.
I spent the next year on and off with alcohol. Her last two months alive I drank pretty regularly. After she died, it was just the four kids and myself. I took them to school and would drink most of the day and sometimes not come home until late. Father of the year!
I have someone else now. But she drinks to. In fact, we spend most days drinking a lot. 8, 10, 15 beers or more. This afternoon I had an appointment but canceled it becsuse after I had a beer I couldn't stop.... Finally after 15 I called it a day. The amounts I drink is just staggering.
I know I need to stop. Have tried a few times. I am pretty motivated now. Was on antidepressants starting after my wife got sick. I recently quit taking them and now am tackling the drinking. Quitting them has pleasantly caused me to be more clear and focused. But it also makes me get hangovers. It was nice when I took them because I didn't get hangovers too bad.... And I didn't get the depression and anxiety as bad after a hard night of drinking. I stopped because I know booze is my primary issue. It causes the unmanageable depression and anxiety.
I wish the new lady in my life would also stop.... But I have decided that I cannot stop her behavior and being angry at her for drinking (which I do to) is not healthy. She knows I want to stop and tries to be supportive, but she does not want to lose her drinking partner. She has kids and she is a great mother figure to mine. She can drink a lot and still function rather well. Eventually I will have to make a choice, but for now the choice is to dry up and be a positive influence for her and the kiddos.
The doctor prescribed me Valium to take this first week. Based on my previous sober days, I am not sure he prescribed enough. The anxiety is something fierce when I stop. Not a lot of physical symptoms other than some slight sweating, insomnia and confusion. But damn the anxiety is damn near like a panic attack.... And it doesn't stop.
I guess I just need enough Valium to take the edge off, and stay away from temptation. I did not need meds when I quit 20 years ago. But this damn disease is so unforgiving. Trust me drinking after 16 years of having my **** together... I mean really together... Is demoralizing. Alcohol has a stronger grip than ever... But I truly feel a change in me. A strong desire for change.
I think the anxiety is what fuels my drinking in the first place. Alcohol takes my anxiety away in no time flat. I don't mind anxiety. It is normal.... Just hoping to get through this next 5 to 10 days.
I fell a few weeks ago. Was actually sober and on my way to the gym. Cracked some ribs. I think I am good enough to start walking. That helps with anxiety and cravings so I decided to wait to stop until now while I can exercise again.
So that is where I am today.
I was sober for 16 years. Really wasn't hard to do.... AFTER I quit drinking.
About 4 years ago... I stopped paying attention to my sobriety in the same way.
My mom got sick for a few years about ten years ago, kids, life etc. So I started drinking a little. And I do mean a little. A few herd and there. Two months after my mom died, my wife (40 years old) was diagnosed with stage iv lungIcancer. Quite a shock for her age and because she didn't smoke.
I spent the next year on and off with alcohol. Her last two months alive I drank pretty regularly. After she died, it was just the four kids and myself. I took them to school and would drink most of the day and sometimes not come home until late. Father of the year!
I have someone else now. But she drinks to. In fact, we spend most days drinking a lot. 8, 10, 15 beers or more. This afternoon I had an appointment but canceled it becsuse after I had a beer I couldn't stop.... Finally after 15 I called it a day. The amounts I drink is just staggering.
I know I need to stop. Have tried a few times. I am pretty motivated now. Was on antidepressants starting after my wife got sick. I recently quit taking them and now am tackling the drinking. Quitting them has pleasantly caused me to be more clear and focused. But it also makes me get hangovers. It was nice when I took them because I didn't get hangovers too bad.... And I didn't get the depression and anxiety as bad after a hard night of drinking. I stopped because I know booze is my primary issue. It causes the unmanageable depression and anxiety.
I wish the new lady in my life would also stop.... But I have decided that I cannot stop her behavior and being angry at her for drinking (which I do to) is not healthy. She knows I want to stop and tries to be supportive, but she does not want to lose her drinking partner. She has kids and she is a great mother figure to mine. She can drink a lot and still function rather well. Eventually I will have to make a choice, but for now the choice is to dry up and be a positive influence for her and the kiddos.
The doctor prescribed me Valium to take this first week. Based on my previous sober days, I am not sure he prescribed enough. The anxiety is something fierce when I stop. Not a lot of physical symptoms other than some slight sweating, insomnia and confusion. But damn the anxiety is damn near like a panic attack.... And it doesn't stop.
I guess I just need enough Valium to take the edge off, and stay away from temptation. I did not need meds when I quit 20 years ago. But this damn disease is so unforgiving. Trust me drinking after 16 years of having my **** together... I mean really together... Is demoralizing. Alcohol has a stronger grip than ever... But I truly feel a change in me. A strong desire for change.
I think the anxiety is what fuels my drinking in the first place. Alcohol takes my anxiety away in no time flat. I don't mind anxiety. It is normal.... Just hoping to get through this next 5 to 10 days.
I fell a few weeks ago. Was actually sober and on my way to the gym. Cracked some ribs. I think I am good enough to start walking. That helps with anxiety and cravings so I decided to wait to stop until now while I can exercise again.
So that is where I am today.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Welcome to SR Trying 
I'm sorry for your losses and your struggle....but having been sober for 16 years you must know a little about keeping things together..
You just need to access that part of you again
You'll find a lot of support, understanding and encouragement here, and in our Newcomers Forum.
Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'm sorry for your losses and your struggle....but having been sober for 16 years you must know a little about keeping things together..
You just need to access that part of you again
You'll find a lot of support, understanding and encouragement here, and in our Newcomers Forum
.Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Waiting For Engines
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 572
I do not even recall when I was here last, but may I just say that beating up on yourself is not going to help you—but what will help is using this great site which helped me during the worst period of my life. I am not the only one, either, and I did make several friends here, and I know that they have always been supportive even if I beat myself up.
People with whom we love, often share those same habits that are or can be lethal to us. I know that I keep going back to that same type of person—unless I make a meeting or I just find a sober friend or activity.
People with whom we love, often share those same habits that are or can be lethal to us. I know that I keep going back to that same type of person—unless I make a meeting or I just find a sober friend or activity.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
