Not sure what to do with this anger (warning-vent)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14
Not sure what to do with this anger (warning-vent)
Not sure where to start.
My sister died (unexpectantly) and just got home from her funeral. Long history, her and I have been close all our lives. She was a nurse and she also had an alcohol problem most of her life off and on. I talked to her every day. She'd been married 4 time, and has two adult children by her first (alcoholic) husband. Her son is wonderful. Never took anything from her.
She has a daughter who has her own troubled past. Her daughter took a different route when young and was really wild, and I got close to her when she had her kids. I have helped BOTH of them out alot, used to listen to her complain about her mom all the time. I agreed with her about some of what she said. But I saw a different side to my niece that bothered me. When she had kids with a loser 8 yrs ago my sister was so happy (that she had grandkids). She then went on to have two more, and my sister loved them more than anything. She lived with my niece between marriages (usually my niece rescued her from her marriages). Six months ago, my niece and I got into it because my sister kept giving her $$ that she didn't have. My niece said she volunteered it, and she should be able to afford it (she made $40,000 a year, owed for an apartment, car, etc.). My sister did without good nursing shoes (hers were 4 years old and worn out), she only had two uniforms, didn't buy groceries for herself, etc. At Christmas my niece insisted my sister buy each of her kids (8 and under) a tablet as they didn't have much money to spend on Christmas and she wanted her young kids to have one (at $200 each). She told her "if you buy it for them, they will remember you forever!". My sister let her have her debit card and order them. And then she's told "you're the best grandma around!".
She got sick on a Friday night and was going to go to her doctor on Monday as it would cost her $40 instead of $100 at a walk in clinic. She needed ot save her money for my niece and grandkids. Monday never came so that's where we are today. She ended up dying in her chair from something that was treatable had she caught it early (not cancer).
My niece married someone who has a pill problem and has trouble working, so my sister was constantly giving her $$ ... especially when she heard they didn't have much food in the house (but my niece spent $$ on herself - always had her hair styled, cut, colored and beautiful clothes). One time, he accused my sister of taking his pills and they banned her from the house. Found out later it was his daughter that did it. No one every apologized to her and it hurt her so much. My sister kept giving them $$. She had a mouthful of bad teeth and needed dentures. But she kept giving it to her & her pillhead husband. I'd gotten into it with my niece six months ago over continuing to 'take' my sister's $$. We hadn't talked for six months but when this happened (sister went on life support and died) we re-connected.
She wanted to borrow my car to go pick up her brother at the airport - mine was in the shop so I renewed her plates (she didn't have $$ to get plates), she had a bad tire so I gave her $150 toward it. I then helped her all week get things ready for the funeral (and spent alot more $$ and time). She has $$ coming from a life insurance policy that she will get soon. I did not ask her to pay me back. I did this for my sister and felt bad for my niece at the time.
She wrote a glowing uology for my sister - she said they'd made amends and my sister had admitted not being the best mom, etc. and she forgave her. My sister must have felt guilty as she worked double shifts as often as she could to help support them. My niece's father was a total douchbag but that's ok - nothing was ever said about him, her "daddy" who, when she was a child, molested her. Now very close to him ... never asks him for $$, etc. He came this past summer to visit (drunk all the time) and he stirred up trouble from when he was married to my sister (20 years ago). A big blow up happened I stood up for my sister as everyone knew what a douche he was. Daughter took his side. Part of what made us not talk for 6 months as she took his side and continued to take her $$. And my sister gave it to her. She was trying to buy her love.
Fast forward to today. After helping all week, giving her $$ for tire, plate renewal, we were cleaning up from the funeral dinner. I had my husband take out (to our van flowers that were mine (from my friends and co-workers) along with a few dishes from my side (not her friends). I also had him take a cherry pie and some coleslaw and put it in our van (that were probably from her friends but not sure). There was TONS of food left over. My niece was acting really pissed off ... as I found out SHE wanted it all as she hadn't been able to buy groceries since December and needed it all (she told me earlier this week my sister had given her $600). She had her husband pull up the back door of our van (my husband hadn't latched it) to see what all we'd taken (my husband witnessed it). I was speechless. We left shortly after everything was cleaned up (we helped clean up the mess and I arrive 2 hours early to help her). I know why I don't want to be around her. It's all about her. Always. She's fake, manipulative (look at me and how pretty I am). I have helped HER so much in the past, also. NOW she keeps calling me wanting to talk. I really just want to close this chapter in my life. I could go on without ever talking to her again. I am so sad I won't have my sister to talk to as we talked every day and everyone knew we were best friends. But maybe, just maybe my lifetime of caretaking is coming to a close and I can live my life without worrying about anyone except my wonderful daughter, grandson and her husband.
I am SO sick of addiction and what it's done in my life and I'm not the addict (thank God my current husband isn't an addict). I'm sure my niece will turn it around to make herself look completely innocent when she's NOT. Honestly, I just want to say just leave me alone now. Live your life and I'll live mine - I don't want to discuss it. I'm burned out with care taking. I don't want to get close to her as I don't want to be used like she used my sister. She comes off real sweet but has a nasty side. I don't deal well with people like that. My sister talked every night to her last ex-husband. They reconnected as great friends - he told me that my niece was a big part of their problems. And he told me I was my sister's backbone.
RIP, sister. I can lay my head on my pillow tonight as I KNOW I was always there for you and never took anything from you. Not sure my niece can say the same.
Gee, thank you for reading this - had to get it off my chest.
My sister died (unexpectantly) and just got home from her funeral. Long history, her and I have been close all our lives. She was a nurse and she also had an alcohol problem most of her life off and on. I talked to her every day. She'd been married 4 time, and has two adult children by her first (alcoholic) husband. Her son is wonderful. Never took anything from her.
She has a daughter who has her own troubled past. Her daughter took a different route when young and was really wild, and I got close to her when she had her kids. I have helped BOTH of them out alot, used to listen to her complain about her mom all the time. I agreed with her about some of what she said. But I saw a different side to my niece that bothered me. When she had kids with a loser 8 yrs ago my sister was so happy (that she had grandkids). She then went on to have two more, and my sister loved them more than anything. She lived with my niece between marriages (usually my niece rescued her from her marriages). Six months ago, my niece and I got into it because my sister kept giving her $$ that she didn't have. My niece said she volunteered it, and she should be able to afford it (she made $40,000 a year, owed for an apartment, car, etc.). My sister did without good nursing shoes (hers were 4 years old and worn out), she only had two uniforms, didn't buy groceries for herself, etc. At Christmas my niece insisted my sister buy each of her kids (8 and under) a tablet as they didn't have much money to spend on Christmas and she wanted her young kids to have one (at $200 each). She told her "if you buy it for them, they will remember you forever!". My sister let her have her debit card and order them. And then she's told "you're the best grandma around!".
She got sick on a Friday night and was going to go to her doctor on Monday as it would cost her $40 instead of $100 at a walk in clinic. She needed ot save her money for my niece and grandkids. Monday never came so that's where we are today. She ended up dying in her chair from something that was treatable had she caught it early (not cancer).
My niece married someone who has a pill problem and has trouble working, so my sister was constantly giving her $$ ... especially when she heard they didn't have much food in the house (but my niece spent $$ on herself - always had her hair styled, cut, colored and beautiful clothes). One time, he accused my sister of taking his pills and they banned her from the house. Found out later it was his daughter that did it. No one every apologized to her and it hurt her so much. My sister kept giving them $$. She had a mouthful of bad teeth and needed dentures. But she kept giving it to her & her pillhead husband. I'd gotten into it with my niece six months ago over continuing to 'take' my sister's $$. We hadn't talked for six months but when this happened (sister went on life support and died) we re-connected.
She wanted to borrow my car to go pick up her brother at the airport - mine was in the shop so I renewed her plates (she didn't have $$ to get plates), she had a bad tire so I gave her $150 toward it. I then helped her all week get things ready for the funeral (and spent alot more $$ and time). She has $$ coming from a life insurance policy that she will get soon. I did not ask her to pay me back. I did this for my sister and felt bad for my niece at the time.
She wrote a glowing uology for my sister - she said they'd made amends and my sister had admitted not being the best mom, etc. and she forgave her. My sister must have felt guilty as she worked double shifts as often as she could to help support them. My niece's father was a total douchbag but that's ok - nothing was ever said about him, her "daddy" who, when she was a child, molested her. Now very close to him ... never asks him for $$, etc. He came this past summer to visit (drunk all the time) and he stirred up trouble from when he was married to my sister (20 years ago). A big blow up happened I stood up for my sister as everyone knew what a douche he was. Daughter took his side. Part of what made us not talk for 6 months as she took his side and continued to take her $$. And my sister gave it to her. She was trying to buy her love.
Fast forward to today. After helping all week, giving her $$ for tire, plate renewal, we were cleaning up from the funeral dinner. I had my husband take out (to our van flowers that were mine (from my friends and co-workers) along with a few dishes from my side (not her friends). I also had him take a cherry pie and some coleslaw and put it in our van (that were probably from her friends but not sure). There was TONS of food left over. My niece was acting really pissed off ... as I found out SHE wanted it all as she hadn't been able to buy groceries since December and needed it all (she told me earlier this week my sister had given her $600). She had her husband pull up the back door of our van (my husband hadn't latched it) to see what all we'd taken (my husband witnessed it). I was speechless. We left shortly after everything was cleaned up (we helped clean up the mess and I arrive 2 hours early to help her). I know why I don't want to be around her. It's all about her. Always. She's fake, manipulative (look at me and how pretty I am). I have helped HER so much in the past, also. NOW she keeps calling me wanting to talk. I really just want to close this chapter in my life. I could go on without ever talking to her again. I am so sad I won't have my sister to talk to as we talked every day and everyone knew we were best friends. But maybe, just maybe my lifetime of caretaking is coming to a close and I can live my life without worrying about anyone except my wonderful daughter, grandson and her husband.
I am SO sick of addiction and what it's done in my life and I'm not the addict (thank God my current husband isn't an addict). I'm sure my niece will turn it around to make herself look completely innocent when she's NOT. Honestly, I just want to say just leave me alone now. Live your life and I'll live mine - I don't want to discuss it. I'm burned out with care taking. I don't want to get close to her as I don't want to be used like she used my sister. She comes off real sweet but has a nasty side. I don't deal well with people like that. My sister talked every night to her last ex-husband. They reconnected as great friends - he told me that my niece was a big part of their problems. And he told me I was my sister's backbone.
RIP, sister. I can lay my head on my pillow tonight as I KNOW I was always there for you and never took anything from you. Not sure my niece can say the same.
Gee, thank you for reading this - had to get it off my chest.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Miserable, I'm sorry for your loss. I'd be angry too, but some people seem to be programmed for taking, and your sister was an adult and although she made bad decisions, they were hers.
As for your niece, there's no necessity to keep in contact if you don't like her and object to her conduct. She won't change, and you don't owe her anything, so keep your distance. She'll soon get the message.
As for your niece, there's no necessity to keep in contact if you don't like her and object to her conduct. She won't change, and you don't owe her anything, so keep your distance. She'll soon get the message.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Miserable - I'm so very sorry about the loss of your sister.
I've not lost my sister, but I have been in a similar situation. I had a stepmom for over 20 years, she came with 3 stepsisters and a stepbrother. Lost my baby stepsister to a car wreck at age 18, her daughter is like my own child.
When my stepmom died (she was an addict, died of an unintentional OD), my stepbrother (an alcoholic) was totally off the chain.
He threatened me and my dad, blamed us for her death. I was seriously considering having the police do a drive-by on dad's house (where I was also living) during the funeral. He told my niece (who thinks of stepmom as her mom, she raised her from the age of 1).
I'm in recovery for both addiction and codependency, MAJOR codie. What I had to do was cut him off. He is blocked on "book of faces" as is his wife, who thinks he is WONDEFUL. I do have his phone number, but I changed it to where, if he ever calls me, it comes up with "jackazz" so I will think twice before answering it.
I love him, I do. I will NOT, however, take his abuse. He is all about "I want....." as is one of my stepsisters. The other is, as far as I know, still out doing heroin.
We have to take care of ourselves. Not only that, but we need time to grieve. I couldn't grieve when I was getting nasty phone calls and messages.
I'm really sorry you are going through all this. It has to be incredibly hard dealing with the loss of your sister.
Please take care of you. Your niece is only making things harder and she's looking for another enabler. You deserve the time to grieve your sister and you really don't owe your niece anything.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I've not lost my sister, but I have been in a similar situation. I had a stepmom for over 20 years, she came with 3 stepsisters and a stepbrother. Lost my baby stepsister to a car wreck at age 18, her daughter is like my own child.
When my stepmom died (she was an addict, died of an unintentional OD), my stepbrother (an alcoholic) was totally off the chain.
He threatened me and my dad, blamed us for her death. I was seriously considering having the police do a drive-by on dad's house (where I was also living) during the funeral. He told my niece (who thinks of stepmom as her mom, she raised her from the age of 1).
I'm in recovery for both addiction and codependency, MAJOR codie. What I had to do was cut him off. He is blocked on "book of faces" as is his wife, who thinks he is WONDEFUL. I do have his phone number, but I changed it to where, if he ever calls me, it comes up with "jackazz" so I will think twice before answering it.
I love him, I do. I will NOT, however, take his abuse. He is all about "I want....." as is one of my stepsisters. The other is, as far as I know, still out doing heroin.
We have to take care of ourselves. Not only that, but we need time to grieve. I couldn't grieve when I was getting nasty phone calls and messages.
I'm really sorry you are going through all this. It has to be incredibly hard dealing with the loss of your sister.
Please take care of you. Your niece is only making things harder and she's looking for another enabler. You deserve the time to grieve your sister and you really don't owe your niece anything.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14
Bless you all for responding to what I posted! You don't know how much they each meant to me as I read them this morning.
I've been surrounded by drug & alcohol addiction most of my life - my first husband, my sister, my niece and her boyfriends/husband, and my 34 year old son. My fear is my son will be next as he identified somewhat with her. I was worried about him when we first heard she passed. He would never attend a funeral as he couldn't handle it. The day before the funeral I kept trying to contact him as I could envision him drinking himself to death. Fear set in. Finally, yesterday afternoon he texted me back and said WTF DO YOU WANT?! I won't respond. This is after I have done SO MUCH for him. Way too much. For years.
I'm going to change my forum name (when I figure out how to do it) and get off this codie train with addicts in my life. I've been miserable way too long worrying about them. I think it's finally sinking in that it begins with ME.
I've been surrounded by drug & alcohol addiction most of my life - my first husband, my sister, my niece and her boyfriends/husband, and my 34 year old son. My fear is my son will be next as he identified somewhat with her. I was worried about him when we first heard she passed. He would never attend a funeral as he couldn't handle it. The day before the funeral I kept trying to contact him as I could envision him drinking himself to death. Fear set in. Finally, yesterday afternoon he texted me back and said WTF DO YOU WANT?! I won't respond. This is after I have done SO MUCH for him. Way too much. For years.
I'm going to change my forum name (when I figure out how to do it) and get off this codie train with addicts in my life. I've been miserable way too long worrying about them. I think it's finally sinking in that it begins with ME.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think it's a great idea to change your forum name to something you ASPIRE to be. You can private message one of the moderators and they can make the change for you.
You might get a lot out of Al-Anon to help you cope with the effects of being around all that addiction. If you haven't been, give it a try!
You might get a lot out of Al-Anon to help you cope with the effects of being around all that addiction. If you haven't been, give it a try!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 46
I wanted to send condolences for the loss of your dear sister surely by giving it made your sister feel very proud she was able to do this
It made her feel worthwhile including all the nursing she did
I'm sure you were her rock and gave her great strengh
I know you miss her and she is looking down on you from heaven and she was blessed having such a great sister as you.
It made her feel worthwhile including all the nursing she did
I'm sure you were her rock and gave her great strengh
I know you miss her and she is looking down on you from heaven and she was blessed having such a great sister as you.
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