Recently married into alcoholism.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Katy
Posts: 1
Recently married into alcoholism.
Hi guys. I decided to go ahead and register here so that maybe I could get some guidance through this topic, if not a good orientation based on other topics. This one might be long, because I aim to be thorough, so please bear with. For the record, I am not an alcoholic. To say that I socially drink isn't really fair, considering I only do so once every couple of months (if that).
I've been married for several months now (it will be a year in May), and over the course of my entire relationship, my wife's drinking problem has become worse and worse. After we had met, I asked my friends about her, and they had told me that she had a drinking problem. I didn't really believe it, so when we actually started dating almost a year later, I would find it increasingly hard to believe given her presentation, her upbringing, and her physique. I'm 32, and she is 31.
I knew that she would drink more often than I would at first, since she used to have friends over for drinks on the weekends, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. It stayed that way until we got married later on, and that's when she began to drink every single night, without fail. Sometimes it would be at least a few glasses of wine, but more often than not, she'd drink herself into a complete stupor. She has two dogs, and you have no idea how many times I would come home from work, and the dogs would have soiled the apartment as she was passed out drunk on the floor. The next day, she would have no recollection of the night before.
I knew this problem was extremely serious when she got pregnant. I travel for a living, so imagine my surprise when I got home as she was 6 weeks pregnant, and she'd be in her complete stupor. Every day was "one more day", until I had enough and told her that we had a decision to make. At that point, it was 9 weeks (of which I hadn't been home for about 8), and after mulling it over for a day, she decided that it'd be best to terminate. In hindsight, I just don't think that she would've been able to commit for the remaining months of avoiding drinking.
I've known women with all sorts of addictions from weed, to coke, codeine, even huffing computer cleaner, and of course alcoholism, and the moment they found out they were pregnant, each and every single last one of them stopped whatever it was that they were doing for the sake of the baby. My wife apparently doesn't come with that protective maternal instinct, and that was a reality that was hard to come to terms with. I'm not sure that I even have, to be honest. Meanwhile I'm torn apart, and I felt (still feel) like the scum of the earth for having to resort to an abortion at my age and make, for her, it might as well been another Tuesday. She was back on the grind immediately.
A little about me, I really have no hands-on experience with substance abuse. My upbringing might as well have been directed by Steven Spielberg, because it was so stereotypically upper middle class suburban, that I couldn't have asked for a better childhood. My parents didn't drink often, and while my extended family was a bit more on the party side, I'd be hard pressed to say any of them were truly alcoholics. College was run of the mill for me, and despite my popularity in all facets of my life, it never had anything to do with my ability to do a keg stand, rather than having everything to do with my personality. If I had any people with problems in my life, they'd be friends and acquaintances, but it wasn't like I was there to deal with the day to day things that I'm dealing with now. Especially since I'm married to one.
The point of that previous paragraph is that I wasn't used to the lies and distortions that come with alcoholics. There was always a new excuse, from her rocky previous relationship (I can explain this in a future post), to her job, to her upbringing. Her upbringing was definitely more posh than mine, going to the best private schools in the city, though her parents were definitely unequal with how they approached their children. Her family does have noted alcoholics. Her grandfather was one that had a destructive effect on the family, her younger brother is a twice out of rehab alcoholic since the age of 21, and she recently let it slip that her mom had a drinking problem as well. A huge problem that I find myself having, is that I don't have any allies here. Her parents are completely oblivious to the fact that she's passed out in one of the dog crates drunk before.
So trying my hardest to save the day, I took her word that it was her stress from work that was to blame. I told her that she could quit if she wanted to, and that I'd absorb her financially so that she could take the time to find herself first, and find a new job that would make her happy second. During her 4 months of unemployment, she only began to drink more. I was still travelling, and every other day I'd see a charge for her $17 box of wine. No matter how tight money would get sometimes, or no matter how much we had, there was nothing to stop the drinking. One day, I had gone to the store, and agreed to get her a box. She made a comment that pissed me off, and I told her that I wouldn't get her a box. She started crying over the phone as if I had told her that I emptied out the bank account and I'd leave her penniless for the next month. She called it "torture" for me to tease her like that. Pathetic.
Since she's gotten her new job, the drinking has really begun to take a toll on the marriage. We haven't been intimate in months, because she's passed out drunk by 9pm, and I'm more of a night owl. On top of that, I've never been one to have sex with someone who isn't even aware of what planet they're on, so there's that. We don't talk anymore. I mean, we do converse, but it's not like she's sober enough to retain anything that I tell her. She's been violent before. She calls me controlling because her friends are also drunks, and I'm not comfortable with her going out into town to get black out drunk. She acts like it's a personality trait, so to take away the drinking would be akin to have someone tone down the sarcasm.
I'm at the end of my wits here. She doesn't contribute financially in any way, but there's always money for a box of wine 15 times a month. Her parents fell out of favor with me (yet something else I can explain in a future post), so it's not like I feel comfortable in approaching them about her severe drinking habits. It's still extraordinary to me how her mom can be haunted by the grandfather's destruction to this day, attends al anon meetings on behalf of her younger brother, and yet can be completely blind to the notion that my wife is an alcoholic when she calls her at 2am on a weeknight to complain about her childhood.
I don't pretend like I can save her. I didn't exactly sign up for a celebrity marriage that only lasts months, so it's not like I'm thinking too seriously about divorce just yet. However, I don't have the slightest clue as to how to approach this, from what angle, and what my realistic options are here, ranging from a 12-step program to stuffing her into a rehab.
Help!
I've been married for several months now (it will be a year in May), and over the course of my entire relationship, my wife's drinking problem has become worse and worse. After we had met, I asked my friends about her, and they had told me that she had a drinking problem. I didn't really believe it, so when we actually started dating almost a year later, I would find it increasingly hard to believe given her presentation, her upbringing, and her physique. I'm 32, and she is 31.
I knew that she would drink more often than I would at first, since she used to have friends over for drinks on the weekends, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. It stayed that way until we got married later on, and that's when she began to drink every single night, without fail. Sometimes it would be at least a few glasses of wine, but more often than not, she'd drink herself into a complete stupor. She has two dogs, and you have no idea how many times I would come home from work, and the dogs would have soiled the apartment as she was passed out drunk on the floor. The next day, she would have no recollection of the night before.
I knew this problem was extremely serious when she got pregnant. I travel for a living, so imagine my surprise when I got home as she was 6 weeks pregnant, and she'd be in her complete stupor. Every day was "one more day", until I had enough and told her that we had a decision to make. At that point, it was 9 weeks (of which I hadn't been home for about 8), and after mulling it over for a day, she decided that it'd be best to terminate. In hindsight, I just don't think that she would've been able to commit for the remaining months of avoiding drinking.
I've known women with all sorts of addictions from weed, to coke, codeine, even huffing computer cleaner, and of course alcoholism, and the moment they found out they were pregnant, each and every single last one of them stopped whatever it was that they were doing for the sake of the baby. My wife apparently doesn't come with that protective maternal instinct, and that was a reality that was hard to come to terms with. I'm not sure that I even have, to be honest. Meanwhile I'm torn apart, and I felt (still feel) like the scum of the earth for having to resort to an abortion at my age and make, for her, it might as well been another Tuesday. She was back on the grind immediately.
A little about me, I really have no hands-on experience with substance abuse. My upbringing might as well have been directed by Steven Spielberg, because it was so stereotypically upper middle class suburban, that I couldn't have asked for a better childhood. My parents didn't drink often, and while my extended family was a bit more on the party side, I'd be hard pressed to say any of them were truly alcoholics. College was run of the mill for me, and despite my popularity in all facets of my life, it never had anything to do with my ability to do a keg stand, rather than having everything to do with my personality. If I had any people with problems in my life, they'd be friends and acquaintances, but it wasn't like I was there to deal with the day to day things that I'm dealing with now. Especially since I'm married to one.
The point of that previous paragraph is that I wasn't used to the lies and distortions that come with alcoholics. There was always a new excuse, from her rocky previous relationship (I can explain this in a future post), to her job, to her upbringing. Her upbringing was definitely more posh than mine, going to the best private schools in the city, though her parents were definitely unequal with how they approached their children. Her family does have noted alcoholics. Her grandfather was one that had a destructive effect on the family, her younger brother is a twice out of rehab alcoholic since the age of 21, and she recently let it slip that her mom had a drinking problem as well. A huge problem that I find myself having, is that I don't have any allies here. Her parents are completely oblivious to the fact that she's passed out in one of the dog crates drunk before.
So trying my hardest to save the day, I took her word that it was her stress from work that was to blame. I told her that she could quit if she wanted to, and that I'd absorb her financially so that she could take the time to find herself first, and find a new job that would make her happy second. During her 4 months of unemployment, she only began to drink more. I was still travelling, and every other day I'd see a charge for her $17 box of wine. No matter how tight money would get sometimes, or no matter how much we had, there was nothing to stop the drinking. One day, I had gone to the store, and agreed to get her a box. She made a comment that pissed me off, and I told her that I wouldn't get her a box. She started crying over the phone as if I had told her that I emptied out the bank account and I'd leave her penniless for the next month. She called it "torture" for me to tease her like that. Pathetic.
Since she's gotten her new job, the drinking has really begun to take a toll on the marriage. We haven't been intimate in months, because she's passed out drunk by 9pm, and I'm more of a night owl. On top of that, I've never been one to have sex with someone who isn't even aware of what planet they're on, so there's that. We don't talk anymore. I mean, we do converse, but it's not like she's sober enough to retain anything that I tell her. She's been violent before. She calls me controlling because her friends are also drunks, and I'm not comfortable with her going out into town to get black out drunk. She acts like it's a personality trait, so to take away the drinking would be akin to have someone tone down the sarcasm.
I'm at the end of my wits here. She doesn't contribute financially in any way, but there's always money for a box of wine 15 times a month. Her parents fell out of favor with me (yet something else I can explain in a future post), so it's not like I feel comfortable in approaching them about her severe drinking habits. It's still extraordinary to me how her mom can be haunted by the grandfather's destruction to this day, attends al anon meetings on behalf of her younger brother, and yet can be completely blind to the notion that my wife is an alcoholic when she calls her at 2am on a weeknight to complain about her childhood.
I don't pretend like I can save her. I didn't exactly sign up for a celebrity marriage that only lasts months, so it's not like I'm thinking too seriously about divorce just yet. However, I don't have the slightest clue as to how to approach this, from what angle, and what my realistic options are here, ranging from a 12-step program to stuffing her into a rehab.
Help!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
hey Ravens, welcome to the site.
I think it would be a great idea to read around the Friends and Family section of this site as much as you can. you will find many stokes like yours and an almost endless well of advice and discussion that will be useful for you.
It sounds like your wife is an alcoholic and if this is the case her drinking will continue to deteriorate until she quits completely. She will continue to ride a roller coaster of emotions and her health will deteriorate in time. Have you discussed the situation with your wife and does she realise that she has a problem?
I think it would be a great idea to read around the Friends and Family section of this site as much as you can. you will find many stokes like yours and an almost endless well of advice and discussion that will be useful for you.
It sounds like your wife is an alcoholic and if this is the case her drinking will continue to deteriorate until she quits completely. She will continue to ride a roller coaster of emotions and her health will deteriorate in time. Have you discussed the situation with your wife and does she realise that she has a problem?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nottingham UK
Posts: 241
Attitudes are probably different in the UK because there isn't the anti-abortion lobby, but the termination is the least of your worries. In fact it's by far and away the best thing you could have done.... if she had taken the pregnancy to term, how awful would that poor kid's life have been? Fetal alcohol syndrome, spending its formative years at home with passed out or crazy drunk mommy, unhappy drama filled household, riding to school DUI.
You're attaching mystical properties to that state called "motherhood" which simply don't exist. At the end of the day, it is still your wife that has to stop the drinking, pregnancy won't do it for her. My Mom was a drinker and got pregnant again in her mid thirties. Didn't stop her getting slozzled every single day, it's a horrible thought but the fact that the baby miscarried early on was probably for the best.
Blaming the stress of work then drinking more after quitting, yep she did that too.
Alcoholism does run in families, whether there's a maladaptive learning or genetic component i am not sure, but it's a common theme here. I suspect alcohol had a lot to do with the ending of previous relationship(s), you're only getting one side of the story. She probably put a lot of effort into concealing the severity of her problem early on in proceedings.
She's surrounded herself with "allies" who condone or enable drinking, you need to build up your own support network too. Remember, take care of yourself first !
You're attaching mystical properties to that state called "motherhood" which simply don't exist. At the end of the day, it is still your wife that has to stop the drinking, pregnancy won't do it for her. My Mom was a drinker and got pregnant again in her mid thirties. Didn't stop her getting slozzled every single day, it's a horrible thought but the fact that the baby miscarried early on was probably for the best.
Blaming the stress of work then drinking more after quitting, yep she did that too.
Alcoholism does run in families, whether there's a maladaptive learning or genetic component i am not sure, but it's a common theme here. I suspect alcohol had a lot to do with the ending of previous relationship(s), you're only getting one side of the story. She probably put a lot of effort into concealing the severity of her problem early on in proceedings.
She's surrounded herself with "allies" who condone or enable drinking, you need to build up your own support network too. Remember, take care of yourself first !
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi Raven,
Welcome to the forum. It is still quite early where I am so bear with me please. I want to start off with saying I am sorry for your loss. The decision to terminate is always a tough one no matter your circumstances. But, I think you made a wise decision. Even had your wife managed to quit during the pregnancy there is a good chance she would have picked right back up after the baby was born. And an active alcoholic can't take care of themselves let alone a newborn.
There really isn't anything you can do to get your wife to stop. She needs to want it. I know I am a wife, mother, and recovering alcoholic myself. The excuses to drink are just that. Excuses. And any excuse will do to justify it. Boredom, anger, loneliness, happiness, rain, sunny, etc. You get the point. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Don't isolate, don't be ashamed. Don't let her walk all over you.
In the meantime read the sticky threads around the top of this forum, pop over to the alcoholism forum. Educate yourself and keep posting. Online support is a great portable tool for learning.
Again, Welcome and I hope you stick around.
Welcome to the forum. It is still quite early where I am so bear with me please. I want to start off with saying I am sorry for your loss. The decision to terminate is always a tough one no matter your circumstances. But, I think you made a wise decision. Even had your wife managed to quit during the pregnancy there is a good chance she would have picked right back up after the baby was born. And an active alcoholic can't take care of themselves let alone a newborn.
There really isn't anything you can do to get your wife to stop. She needs to want it. I know I am a wife, mother, and recovering alcoholic myself. The excuses to drink are just that. Excuses. And any excuse will do to justify it. Boredom, anger, loneliness, happiness, rain, sunny, etc. You get the point. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Don't isolate, don't be ashamed. Don't let her walk all over you.
In the meantime read the sticky threads around the top of this forum, pop over to the alcoholism forum. Educate yourself and keep posting. Online support is a great portable tool for learning.
Again, Welcome and I hope you stick around.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Ravens--glad you found your way here. It sounds like there's a lot of confusion and pain in your life right now, and SR has a lot of experience, strength, and hope to offer.
As others have already said, it's a great idea to start by reading as much as you can in the forums. I think a lot of the stories will resonate with you in one way or another.
The suggestion to see the stickied posts at the top of the page is a good one, too. Here's an example of what you'll find there: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Your last paragraph carries a contradiction--you say you "don't pretend you can save her", but then you want to know what your options are for her, rehab, 12-step, etc. Hmm. Sounds like you're where all of us started, thinking we can somehow get them sober, if we just find the right combination...after all, we love them, and love should be enough, right? (Sigh)
As you learn, you'll see that your options only involve you. You can decide what you're willing to live with, you can decide how to take care of you. SR and Alanon are both great resources for those things.
There is no reason you have to divorce your wife right now. There is no reason you have to do anything right now. Take some time, get educated about what alcoholism is and is not, learn what you can do and can't do regarding alcoholism. Get your feet back under you. This all has to be overwhelming. Take it one step at a time, as you feel ready. Gradually your path will become clear.
I hope you keep coming around, and I wish you strength and clarity.
As others have already said, it's a great idea to start by reading as much as you can in the forums. I think a lot of the stories will resonate with you in one way or another.
The suggestion to see the stickied posts at the top of the page is a good one, too. Here's an example of what you'll find there: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Your last paragraph carries a contradiction--you say you "don't pretend you can save her", but then you want to know what your options are for her, rehab, 12-step, etc. Hmm. Sounds like you're where all of us started, thinking we can somehow get them sober, if we just find the right combination...after all, we love them, and love should be enough, right? (Sigh)
As you learn, you'll see that your options only involve you. You can decide what you're willing to live with, you can decide how to take care of you. SR and Alanon are both great resources for those things.
There is no reason you have to divorce your wife right now. There is no reason you have to do anything right now. Take some time, get educated about what alcoholism is and is not, learn what you can do and can't do regarding alcoholism. Get your feet back under you. This all has to be overwhelming. Take it one step at a time, as you feel ready. Gradually your path will become clear.
I hope you keep coming around, and I wish you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I am sorry for what brought you here but you are in the right place. There is a lot of support here.
Is she blind or has she learned there is nothing she can do?
Have you thought about going to Al-anon for yourself?
Maybe a call to mom to ask her about Al-anon may be an action you can take? People suffering the same problem can overcome quite a bit together. It may be nice to have someone in your court that understands.
Either way, we understand. As someone else said, nothing has to be done today. You are reaching out for help and that is the first step.
Originally Posted by Ravens443 
It's still extraordinary to me how her mom can be haunted by the grandfather's destruction to this day, attends al anon meetings on behalf of her younger brother, and yet can be completely blind to the notion that my wife is an alcoholic when she calls her at 2am on a weeknight to complain about her childhood.
Have you thought about going to Al-anon for yourself?
Maybe a call to mom to ask her about Al-anon may be an action you can take? People suffering the same problem can overcome quite a bit together. It may be nice to have someone in your court that understands.
Either way, we understand. As someone else said, nothing has to be done today. You are reaching out for help and that is the first step.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Raven, I'm sorry for the reason you've come to SR, but I'm sure you'll find it a valuable resource.
Are you sure your marriage isn't broken already? As much as you might try to commit yourself to the idea of marriage, you have had a bad false start. As wise as a termination might be in the circumstances, the reason for it has to hurt when, if not for the drinking, you would have been in a good position to have a child together.
It doesn't sound like she recognises she's an alcoholic, and she'd need to believe she has a problem before she'll seek treatment. Instead you're the one who has a problem, by suggesting she not go out in public to get dangerously drunk. You mention violence in passing, but it's a huge red flag for the future, drunk or otherwise.
Are you willing to have a future with her? Be aware that even if you 'stuff her into rehab', unless she's on board she may not benefit from it. And you can't force her to.
Think about what you can live with, and your idea of a good relationship. You were raised in a happy home, so you know what one looks like.
Are you sure your marriage isn't broken already? As much as you might try to commit yourself to the idea of marriage, you have had a bad false start. As wise as a termination might be in the circumstances, the reason for it has to hurt when, if not for the drinking, you would have been in a good position to have a child together.
It doesn't sound like she recognises she's an alcoholic, and she'd need to believe she has a problem before she'll seek treatment. Instead you're the one who has a problem, by suggesting she not go out in public to get dangerously drunk. You mention violence in passing, but it's a huge red flag for the future, drunk or otherwise.
Are you willing to have a future with her? Be aware that even if you 'stuff her into rehab', unless she's on board she may not benefit from it. And you can't force her to.
Think about what you can live with, and your idea of a good relationship. You were raised in a happy home, so you know what one looks like.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi Ravens443 - Sorry for what has brought you here.
I wouldn't put too much stock into the belief than her parents aren't aware of her drinking problem. I'm sure they are. Your wife's level of alcoholism requires a "manager", they just wanted to retire and were happy that you took the job. I'm not kidding. They don't want the job back. Sounds like her family is dysfunction junction. So is my husbands. So are a lot of alcoholics, but not all. Sometimes we can get caught up trying to psycho analyze why someone is alcoholic, even make excuses for it based on their childhoods or the number of alcoholics in the family. It also becomes the excuse for the alcoholic not to evoke sympathy from their qualifiers. Even if her family were acknowledging her alcoholism while it would be emotionally helpful for you it most likely wouldn't change anything at all.
You mention that her mother attends Al Anon on "behalf of her younger brother". Al Anon is not about attending for another person, its about the people who are affected by alcoholics and the information there pertains to the non-alcoholic and how to get control of their lives which are affected by alcoholism. Her mother's standoffishness to me reads as detachment, a necessary tool in dealing with alcoholics. I'm not trying to say this is the reason she acts the way she does its certainly possible she attends for other motivations.
12 steps and rehabs are effective only when the subject chooses to get sober. I'm not seeing anything that you have written that your wife is discussing with you that she wants to do something about it. Spouses have succeeded via ultimatum to motivate their partners into rehabs and such. The return on investment is probably <1%.
In order for a person to achieve sobriety they have to WANT to. Acknowledging they have a problem is the first step although some will acknowledge they have a problem and never do anything about it.
I strongly encourage you to go to Al Anon. Al Anon is to help us its not about them. Non-A spouses will find their own lives reeling out of control. Al Anon is there to teach you how to get control of your life back rather than the alcoholic in your life being the focus, and the controller of the relationship. You will also learn how to set boundaries in the relationship. As you have written there aren't any in your relationship. You wife works but doesn't financially contribute. She gets drunk whenever she pleases. You buy her alcohol. You pay for her alcohol. She has quit her job before because the "stress" caused her to drink (lol). You have terminated a pregnancy (right decision) due to her alcoholism. You have no intimate relationship due to her alcoholism. She is blackout drunk every night by 9 pm.
Who is driving the boat Captain? Its not you.
Stick around. First step is to educate yourself about alcoholism there is plenty here and lots of support on SR. I hope you will look into Al Anon.
I wouldn't put too much stock into the belief than her parents aren't aware of her drinking problem. I'm sure they are. Your wife's level of alcoholism requires a "manager", they just wanted to retire and were happy that you took the job. I'm not kidding. They don't want the job back. Sounds like her family is dysfunction junction. So is my husbands. So are a lot of alcoholics, but not all. Sometimes we can get caught up trying to psycho analyze why someone is alcoholic, even make excuses for it based on their childhoods or the number of alcoholics in the family. It also becomes the excuse for the alcoholic not to evoke sympathy from their qualifiers. Even if her family were acknowledging her alcoholism while it would be emotionally helpful for you it most likely wouldn't change anything at all.
You mention that her mother attends Al Anon on "behalf of her younger brother". Al Anon is not about attending for another person, its about the people who are affected by alcoholics and the information there pertains to the non-alcoholic and how to get control of their lives which are affected by alcoholism. Her mother's standoffishness to me reads as detachment, a necessary tool in dealing with alcoholics. I'm not trying to say this is the reason she acts the way she does its certainly possible she attends for other motivations.
12 steps and rehabs are effective only when the subject chooses to get sober. I'm not seeing anything that you have written that your wife is discussing with you that she wants to do something about it. Spouses have succeeded via ultimatum to motivate their partners into rehabs and such. The return on investment is probably <1%.
In order for a person to achieve sobriety they have to WANT to. Acknowledging they have a problem is the first step although some will acknowledge they have a problem and never do anything about it.
I strongly encourage you to go to Al Anon. Al Anon is to help us its not about them. Non-A spouses will find their own lives reeling out of control. Al Anon is there to teach you how to get control of your life back rather than the alcoholic in your life being the focus, and the controller of the relationship. You will also learn how to set boundaries in the relationship. As you have written there aren't any in your relationship. You wife works but doesn't financially contribute. She gets drunk whenever she pleases. You buy her alcohol. You pay for her alcohol. She has quit her job before because the "stress" caused her to drink (lol). You have terminated a pregnancy (right decision) due to her alcoholism. You have no intimate relationship due to her alcoholism. She is blackout drunk every night by 9 pm.
Who is driving the boat Captain? Its not you.
Stick around. First step is to educate yourself about alcoholism there is plenty here and lots of support on SR. I hope you will look into Al Anon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I'm so sorry to hear about your terrible situation. With a baby being involved, it complicates everything way over the top.
It seems that you need to make contact with three ASAP.
Social Services
Family Doctor
Lawyer - who specializes in pregnancies
Another thing possibly
go with her to an AA meeting
believe me this will not be a waste of time
Bob
It seems that you need to make contact with three ASAP.
Social Services
Family Doctor
Lawyer - who specializes in pregnancies
Another thing possibly
go with her to an AA meeting
believe me this will not be a waste of time
Bob
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hello Ravens and Welcome.
Sorry for what brings you here but so glad you had the courage to reach out for help.
I hope you continue to reach out for support. Keep focused on your recovery my friend.
Sorry for what brings you here but so glad you had the courage to reach out for help.
I hope you continue to reach out for support. Keep focused on your recovery my friend.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
Hi Ravens...I'm new here too, but I've been reading the posts for a number of years. I married into an alcoholic/substance abuse family as well. All on my father-in-laws side (but they are all great people). My father-in-law is not an addict, and my husband has a great family. My husband (who will be an ex-husband soon) was sober when we met. Reading these posts after he relapsed made me realize that I was no different and he was no different than anyone else. It was never going to get better. I wanted to read that it was going to be ok, but I rarely saw that happen. I had no idea that the likelihood of relapse was so great, either. I had no idea about substance abuse period. I came to the marriage from a toxic family and had my own issues with anger which did not pair well with an addict waiting for a reason to drink. it was each of our second marriages and we were blending a family. He relapsed after 12 years, blamed me, his childhood, the stresses of life (but mostly blamed me)...and then had an affair and I was to blame for that, too. My almost XAH and I are separated now, with divorce in the works. I can't believe what addiction did to him, to us, and to our blended family. It's gone, and I really had no choice. It's the saddest thing I've ever experienced. Had I known what was coming...I'd have had to run. I'd have been incredibly sad not to have pursued a relationship with this really good-looking, successful, really funny, really easy to talk to man (at one time). All of that stopped once the marriage started to come undone. My issues coupled with his issues...we destructed. And boy did he use my family issues as a crutch to drink and blame me for his "demise." It really plays with your head. I have to sit back and go through my own emotional recovery. So so so much happened to destroy me emotionally. And the kids saw most of it, and that's my biggest regret. We're a professional couple with good jobs and there were times we were trash. Had i known what was to come, I'd have had to turn my back and walk away. I know the lessons I was to learn in this, but what a pathway to get there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I am sorry for your pain, Ravens. Unfortunately no one gets help for their alcoholism until they admit that they have a problem and want to fix it. This becomes your time to really focus on you, becoming the healthiest person who you can be. Read books on boundaries and codependency. Living with an alcoholic in your life makes you start acting in unhealthy ways without even realizing it sometimes.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here.
I understand wanting to make it work, I do. But you didn't sigh up for this when you married her, did you? When you see how progressive alcoholism is, and how much worse it can get, perhaps you will revisit the option.
In the meantime, good luck. Take care of the one person you can change. Yourself.
Originally Posted by Ravens443
I don't pretend like I can save her. I didn't exactly sign up for a celebrity marriage that only lasts months, so it's not like I'm thinking too seriously about divorce just yet.
In the meantime, good luck. Take care of the one person you can change. Yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Dear Raven, I'm glad you found SR and am sorry you needed to find it! My favorite saying from this place is "Nothing changes if nothing changes" (I used it at work yesterday :-D ) If she aborted the baby you made together just so she could still get her drink on, chances are slim to nothing that she is willing to change. You could stuff her in rehab, but that won't do a thing. She has to want it for herself. Therefore, let's talk about changes (bc if there are none, nothing changes). Since you can't do anythign for her, what can you do for YOU? What do YOU want? Do you want to stay in the marriage and understand/expect it to remain status quo? (it didn't sound like it, but I've got to ask) If so, then I recommend learning how to detach with love, live your own life, and endure a loveless marriage. If not, then you can detach with love, and move on. It's really as simple as that. Although neither is an "easy" option... it is what it is. And you'll save yourself a lot of stress and heartache the sooner you come to that realization and take ACTION for change. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
The things you're describing are all things I went through with my alcoholic ex wife. Nothing I did to try to reason with her ever stuck, and in the end separation was inevitable because she would constantly emotionally abuse me, which would make me feel isolated and not want to be around her when she drank... and then she would turn around and say that I'm not giving her enough affection, which was her excuse for escalating her drinking, which always led to further abuse.
It's a vicious cycle, and there is literally nothing sane you can do to fix the cycle because its fuel is the alcoholism, which is only something that SHE can fix. But she has to want to fix it, on her own terms. If she isn't ready to stop drinking, she won't stop drinking. Nothing you do or say will change that, the desire has to come from within her. And in the majority of cases, the drinking is but a symptom of an underlying issue that isn't being confronted in a healthy way.
My ex wife and I tried to have a child for a long time. She said she wasn't strong enough to stop drinking unless she got pregnant, and if she got pregnant she promised she would stop drinking 'for sure.' Well, there was one point where her period was late by almost 2 months where she was certain she was pregnant, but that didn't stop her from drinking either. She went on a massive binge drink one night and her period came a day or two after that.
Like your wife, my ex wife comes from a background that involves a lot of substance abuse in the family. Her father was very much an alcoholic and succumbed to cancer a few years ago, which I'm certain was brought on by his drinking. Her brother and her brother's on-again-off-again wife are both addicted to hard drugs and alcohol. In fact, the majority of the adults in my ex wife's hometown are alcoholic because in the countryside (where she's from) in her country of origin, it's socially acceptable to drink heavily every day. That's what she grew up around, that's what her brain and her society tells her is acceptable despite all the pain that alcohol caused her growing up, and in her adult life.
Reduced intimacy, reduced conversation, physical and emotional abuse, accusations, lack of contribution, alienating me from her friends and family, all things I went through too. In my case, I stayed on board long enough to see infidelity, mother-daughter fistfights (she has a daughter from a previous marriage), broken windows, spiteful behavior to the neighbors, and threats to call the police to report me for stealing my own truck (when I decided to go out for a drive to calm down after getting in an argument about how mean she was being to the neighbors).
If you decide to keep trying to keep the relationship together, just be prepared for the possibility that things might not get better, because if she isn't willing to try to make things better, it won't happen on its own. Personally, I stayed invested in my relationship far longer than I logically should have, and if you are curious about that story I'd recommend you click my alias, navigate to topics started by me, and take a peek at my own introductory post on this forum.
It's a vicious cycle, and there is literally nothing sane you can do to fix the cycle because its fuel is the alcoholism, which is only something that SHE can fix. But she has to want to fix it, on her own terms. If she isn't ready to stop drinking, she won't stop drinking. Nothing you do or say will change that, the desire has to come from within her. And in the majority of cases, the drinking is but a symptom of an underlying issue that isn't being confronted in a healthy way.
My ex wife and I tried to have a child for a long time. She said she wasn't strong enough to stop drinking unless she got pregnant, and if she got pregnant she promised she would stop drinking 'for sure.' Well, there was one point where her period was late by almost 2 months where she was certain she was pregnant, but that didn't stop her from drinking either. She went on a massive binge drink one night and her period came a day or two after that.
Like your wife, my ex wife comes from a background that involves a lot of substance abuse in the family. Her father was very much an alcoholic and succumbed to cancer a few years ago, which I'm certain was brought on by his drinking. Her brother and her brother's on-again-off-again wife are both addicted to hard drugs and alcohol. In fact, the majority of the adults in my ex wife's hometown are alcoholic because in the countryside (where she's from) in her country of origin, it's socially acceptable to drink heavily every day. That's what she grew up around, that's what her brain and her society tells her is acceptable despite all the pain that alcohol caused her growing up, and in her adult life.
Reduced intimacy, reduced conversation, physical and emotional abuse, accusations, lack of contribution, alienating me from her friends and family, all things I went through too. In my case, I stayed on board long enough to see infidelity, mother-daughter fistfights (she has a daughter from a previous marriage), broken windows, spiteful behavior to the neighbors, and threats to call the police to report me for stealing my own truck (when I decided to go out for a drive to calm down after getting in an argument about how mean she was being to the neighbors).
If you decide to keep trying to keep the relationship together, just be prepared for the possibility that things might not get better, because if she isn't willing to try to make things better, it won't happen on its own. Personally, I stayed invested in my relationship far longer than I logically should have, and if you are curious about that story I'd recommend you click my alias, navigate to topics started by me, and take a peek at my own introductory post on this forum.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
I can absolutely identify with your statement about not being used to the lies and distortion that comes with [addiction]. My interactions with addicts? Recovered. My dad's been sober from alcohol since before I was born, and my X's dad (my coworker) is a recovering polysubstance addict whose DOC is crack.
I had no idea what I was up against. And I lost.
I do want to note that while I do not want to be offensive about the termination a pregnancy, I will say that Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and Fetal Alcohol Syndrom (FAS) are major problems in Alaska, and it is one of the largest preventative diseases affecting our Alaska Native population (not to discount other cultures--it touches everyone). Many of those who suffer face lifelong challenges of varying degrees. As I said, it is a big problem in my state--we even had a $400,000 grant to study the effectiveness of pregnancy tests in local bars and whether tht dissuades pregnang women from drinking. I am very sorry you found yourself faced with this painful decision, but I appreciate the opportunity to share how the consequences alcohol can affect not only the alcoholic, family and friends, but also those who have no choice. Please accept my apologies if this was inappropriate of me to note.
I had no idea what I was up against. And I lost.
I do want to note that while I do not want to be offensive about the termination a pregnancy, I will say that Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and Fetal Alcohol Syndrom (FAS) are major problems in Alaska, and it is one of the largest preventative diseases affecting our Alaska Native population (not to discount other cultures--it touches everyone). Many of those who suffer face lifelong challenges of varying degrees. As I said, it is a big problem in my state--we even had a $400,000 grant to study the effectiveness of pregnancy tests in local bars and whether tht dissuades pregnang women from drinking. I am very sorry you found yourself faced with this painful decision, but I appreciate the opportunity to share how the consequences alcohol can affect not only the alcoholic, family and friends, but also those who have no choice. Please accept my apologies if this was inappropriate of me to note.
Last edited by auroraxborealis; 03-04-2015 at 08:38 PM. Reason: supplemental info
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