Neekeee

Hey everyone. Today is my first day again. Really hoping this time is different and I can commit to my sobriety. I just finished listening to Augusten Burrough's Dry and really felt like I was ready to make the commitment to myself and my life to stop drinking. If you haven't read it, you should. While it is a funny book it is also painfully honest and really inspired me to try and get sober again.

So I turn 25 this month and for me I feel like this is a turning point in my life. I can't blame my drinking on being young anymore, I am an alcoholic and that is a fact I have to just face before I can address it. I want to look back and say 25 is the age I got sober and turned my life around and actually started living and enjoying it. I have spent too many years just waiting for something to happen or for my life to begin.

I have already spent so much of my 20's being unhappy and being good at being unhappy. I mope and I am self destructive and unhealthy and I drink a lot and then I wonder why I am not happy. I want to stop playing a victim in my life and become the heroine of my life. I know there has to be so much more to this thing than just sitting in front of the television pouring wine into myself until I am no longer there.

I have self isolated in my personal life so much that I don't have many friends and almost no good friends. My life has become very lonely and I already feel exasperated with it. If I didn't go to work everyday I would probably have no interactions with anyone as I get extremely anxious and talk myself out of ever doing anything outside of my apartment.

I am tired of living a lie or a double life. By day I am a young working professional and at night I am a drunk. I am tired of hiding behind work and alcohol. I have no idea who I am without those things and I want to actually have dreams, hobbies, friends and interests besides wine and netflix.

I struggle with anxiety and have become so "comfortable" with my routines that I don't know where to begin to have a different life. I also fear change as much as I want it. I don't know if anyone else can identify with this feeling.

I am really hoping to meet some other people on here in early recovery or at any stage in their recovery. I would love to chat and share experiences. I guess I am kind of looking to meet some people who are going through this as well and support each other. I do plan on going back to AA meetings again but I want to also be active on sober recovery for those time between meetings or when I talk myself out of going.

Anyway, if you read this whole thing thanks for reading and hello.

LumberjackJim

I'm starting over again today. I asked my self this question: I can make a choice to go bike 27 miles, go the extra mile for friends and family, make good decisions when eating, be a good person but why is it so damn hard to say no to something that potentially puts the above things in jeopardy....it's crazy! You sound just like me but I'm 28....and it's getting old. I've failed twice this week...so I'm not in the best of shape but I realized that I need to be on here more.


Welcome and let's help each other

Neekeee

Alcohol is baffling huh? At least it sounds like you really have some awesome discipline in other areas of your life that will probably help you with your sobriety. It really is insane and I can totally relate to failing multiple times... I can begin the day so resolved to make sobriety the number one priority in my life and by 6 pm on the drive home from work I am pulling into a grocery store for a bottle of wine.

Welcome LumberjackJim. We can do this!

canguy

I can relate to plenty of that, Neekeee. Though I'm older than you, a lot of it similar for me.....

I guess I'd say to you that if you can turn it around for yourself at your age you have a great life to gain in the years ahead.

All the best.....

nymets86

Lumberjack/Neekee, I'm in my 20s as well (just barely at 29), so feel like I can relate. I'm on Day 11 now, and it's been tough, though I feel more resolve every day.

Neekee, my situation is maybe a little different in that I do drink quite a bit socially, but I also drink a lot at home by myself, in part to stop myself from publicly embarassing myself.

My drink of choice of drink is vodka, but I've say in my armchair on countless nights and drank till I passed out and didn't even remember what I'd watched.

Can 100% relate to that feeling of saying "never again" and then at the end of a long day of work, picking up booze on the way home and then just having zero willpower to not drink everything in sight.

Neekeee

Thanks canguy. I used to use my age as a way to deflect the fact that I had a problem but I have seen my drinking get progressively worse in the past four years and I know I have to stop one day if I want to live and be healthy so why not try and stop now. (This always sounds great in theory until I am drinking again the next day, haha)

Thank you for the encouragement.

Neekeee

nymets86, yes! That last part you posted about not having willpower to not drink is exactly how I feel so often. Its like I reward myself for working so hard and getting through the day by drinking myself stupid every night. Which isn't exactly relaxing especially given that every morning begins with a pounding headache and a panic to make it to work on time and without any visible signs that I am hungover.

I used to drink socially in college until I realized that once I start drinking I do not want to stop. In college getting blackout drunk was somewhat excusable (I went to a party school) but at 24 it gets you lots of pitying looks and hushed remarks. So to save myself embarrassment and to keep anyone from knowing I have a problem I don't really drink socially at all anymore. In fact my coworkers usually tease me about how I never drink. Oh the irony...

I can really relate to not remembering what you were watching the night before. I think I even started watching movies that I knew the ending to because I would be too drunk by the end of the night to remember a new movie. I have also noticed I started watching reality television a lot in the past year and I really relate this to the fact that there is absolutely nothing of content going on in those shows so even after a bottle of wine you can keep up with them. ;] haha

Congrats on 11 days. I can't wait till I can say I am on my 11th day.

nymets86

Neekeee, I've had the same issue with work. I'll take a shower, shave, use aftershave , put in eyedrops and then still feel like I'm sweating out booze and will load up on mints and hand sanitizer to hope nobody notices. If they do, I'll use the excuse that I was out watching sports with some college buddies.

On the nights when I go out drinking socially, it's often a lot worse and I barely have time to shower before getting in to work.

And yeah, I'll watch stuff like Pawn Stars, Shark Tank, etc since there's no real ending to them and I often catch myself watching an episode I'm pretty sure I've already seen before, but it's new to me since I was too drunk the last time to remember what happened.

Neekeee

Oh man, Pawn Stars. I believe I watched like 5 episodes of Mob Wives on Saturday Night. If that isn't a reason to quit drinking well I don't know what is. Mob Wives was my bottom. (Just kidding, mostly)

Thank you for sharing with me. It's really encouraging to know that there are other people out there who have similar experiences to mine and are getting sober. I mean I knew in theory of course there are a lot of people in recovery, even a lot of young people. I just never really get to talk to anyone so frankly about it.

kk1k5x

Hi Neekeee,

Great to hear you made the decision to commit to your sobriety. My first day was March 1st and the reasons to do so were much the same.
Living in a city where none of my friends live mostly meant that I drank alone. Either listening to music or killing time on the Internet. Went to a party and to a bar on Saturday, just to see people drunk and about. Had drinks myself, but couldn't stop asking myself this line of questions: how many more times do I have to do this/see this/feel this, before I decide to quit and stay sober? how many more times do I have to embarrass myself publicly or at home? (e.g. falling out of my bed, cause I'm so drunk again from going out/staying in and drinking) how many more killer hangovers do I have to survive before the severity (and stupidity!) of my situation makes me quit for good?

Social support is very important, so definitely look around on this forum read the recovery stories here. Btw I'm reading Augusten Burroughs' 'Dry' too and it's very good

Best of luck to you and everyone else who is just beginning their journey

nymets86

Yeah, Neekeee, it definitely helps me talking with other people in their 20s. While not totally unique, I think there are a different set of issues facing people our age. I have been on this site most off the day and noticed quite a few 20 something's, all with relatable stories.

I sort of used today as a mental health day just sat around all day. Watched Theory of Everything on Amazon Prime and Short Term 12 and Virunga on Netflix. Kind of nice doing it sober and now sitting in bed listening to music and posting here on my iPad.

Creekryder

Hi, NeeKeee, I'm a hell of a lot older than 25 but can relate completely to what you're experiencing. I believe just about everyone here has had similar events. I can especially relate to you making a resolve in the morning and finding yourself behind a bottle that evening. But I just wanted to say that when you make the honest, no BS commitment to quit drinking, that scenario leaves none too soon. My own sobriety was attempted, I can't remember how many times, and finally has come to be. I now enjoy freedom that I have never achieved before. And I say to you, it's there for you, too. You just have to want it more than anything and will allow no obstacle in your path to detour that choice. I wish you the very best in your new life.

BoozeFree

Welcome neekee. I'm also in my 20s and could relate a lot to what you said. I used to try and convince myself It was my age ect until I finally got honest with myself and realized drinking every day getting drunk is a problem. SR has lots of great support here

HeartsAfire

Howdy to a fellow Texan! I'm so glad you're hear & so proud of you for making this decision so early in your life. I began my road to alcoholism at 22. It took me 22 years to stop. I wish I was as wise as you at 25. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Neekeee

nymets86, I can relate to that. I used today as physical health day. My poor body is tired. By the way I will have to check out Virunga.

kkik5, those are very good questions. I have found myself asking those kinds of questions all too often. I will read through the forums. I really do see sobery recovery being a great help in achieving my sobriety. I already feel a lot of support and have read through several great posts. Thanks for the encouragement.

Creekryder, thank you for the encouragement. I do really hope this is my last attempt day 1 but I also have failed many times so I don't want to set myself up for that. The freedom you talk about is exactly what I am looking for in my life.

HeartsAfire, thank you for the welcome! I would hardly say I am wise but I appreciate the encouragement. By the way I absolutely love the quote in your signature line...
"She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful."

sva777

I used to drink socially as well, then I began drinking alone so I could hide the shame and embarrassment from others. My goal was to get home from work early drink a bunch before my wife got home... as if she didn't know. I didn't know who I thought I was fooling, glad she stuck around and is supporting me though.

I am here for anyone who needs to talk