shil2587

I ask because I feel I would benefit from some face to face contact sometimes. My main recovery and support network has been SR, but I would like some human contact sometimes with people who get it.

But all the meetings local to me are the same three people. All alot older, very quiet and very formal. To be honest, those meetings do nothing for me except distract me for an hour.

So, I am thinking of venturing into my neighbouring county, but before I do, I wondered if they all might be similar.

What happens at your meetings? Is there any cross-talk? (I hate the speaking into silence thing). What does it do for you?

Thanks in advance!

DoubleDragons

I attended three different Alanon meetings in my area and they all three were very different. Alanon has a certain structure, but the size of the meeting and the familiarity of the people made a difference. My favorite meeting was set up like a giant round table and it felt like more people really got a chance to talk. A woman stayed late with me after that meeting and talked to me for a couple of hours and I will forever be grateful to her for that. It was such a relief to be able to be with people who understand how upsetting it is to have an alcoholic in your life. The first meeting I went to, I couldn't stop crying and no one made me feel badly about it. It was very cathartic.

That being said, I came to Alanon with the idea of getting tips on how to fix my "alcoholic" mother. Having been surrounded by alcoholics and heavy drinkers most of my life, I really didn't understand what alcoholism truly was in any respect of the word. What you learn in Alanon right off is that you can't fix someone else, but you need to focus on yourself. For me, starting Alanon, when I was myself, still a heavy drinker, made me focus on myself and so I changed my attention to quitting drinking. (I quit 17 months ago, this weekend. ) So, Alanon was extremely helpful in that regard of the 3Cs (didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it), but while I was focused on quitting drinking, I dropped out of Alanon for a while. When I came back to it, I didn't feel I quite "fit in" because most of the people attending the meetings were either married to alcoholics or were parents of alcoholics and that was not the case for me. My mother is my alcoholic.

I plan to try out a few CODA meetings in my area next, as my problems with codependency seem to have come from how I dealt with my family of origin. I am thinking it might be a more helpful forum for my continued recovery.

Kboys

I love my Al-Anon meeting. I live in a small town, we only have one one meeting per week. There are the same small core group of people. All older than me (I'm 35). And others that come off and on.
We read the Welcome, 12 steps, tradition, daily reading, then open up for sharing.
There is no cross-talk, but there are conversations that go on after the meeting.


I personally appreciate the no cross talk. I find that I am able to get my thoughts out more clearly. I am not rushed, not interrupted, not corrected or advised or judged. I see the nods of understanding as I speak, and I just know that I am being heard by a group of people who have been through much of what I am going through, and it makes me feel good. Maybe they don't understand everything I say... maybe they are assuming something that is not true based on what I'm leaving out, but it doesn't really matter. I hear their stories, much of what I relate to, some I don't as much, but I appreciate all of it. I "take what I want and leave the rest."

I was just talking to AH last night about what I typed above. He said, "why do you need to say anything at all to anyone if you're not going to be responded to? You might as well just think it. You might as well just be alone."

I didn't really know how to explain it to him....

For me, it's been much more helpful than counseling.

But I understand it's not for everybody.

I hope you are able to find something that works for you

Hangnbyathread

I have 3 Al Anon outlets here. I was patient, using all 3 of them, settling in on the one group that was the least religious of them all. Even that one was steeped in religion. I gave it a 4 month effort. While initially it felt good to have a place to come and relax and not be judged, in some ways I felt worse. Having to see the sea of new faces each week, and listening to the same heart-breaking stories we tell, did more to drag me down than it did help.

There were about 6 long time members. All were either RA's or family members of A's and they were there to learn to cope with rather than abandon a family member. All much older than me. And only 1, the I guess the main organizer, was a man, the rest were females. So I wasn't allowed to consider a female for a sponsor, and the one man needed a lot of time to support the group.

We seemed to always be in the newcomer phase as nobody stayed long enough to feel like they were getting any traction.

For me I didn't learn any new skills to adapt. I found myself helping my sponsor learn about detachment more than him helping me. I did learn about AC as a whole however.

For many there it was and is a very solid lifeline of support. I would ALWAYS recommend you give it a try.

BlueChair

Have u ever tried. SMART recovery meeting? They encourage discussion during the meeting, and also discuss various behavioral techniques to help you deal with your emotions. There are general smart meetings with a mix of people in recovery, family members and their partners, or there are family only meetings. (These are growing rapidly but may not be in many smaller towns yet).

shil2587

Thank you for this suggestion. I hadn't thought of that. There are actually a few meetings in my area that I can get to. They are meetings for alcoholics but are open to others upon request so I will contact them and ask. Hopefully there will be a few people there!

CodeJob

Al Anon Meeting Attempt #1

Old ladies talking about mowing their lawns bc their AH's were active A's incapable of mowing the grass. These ladies scared me deeply. There is NO WAY I want to be that at their age - still enabling and caring for an A.

There was another scary one who is way too involved in Al Anon and AA. Her XAH is LONG dead. Every share drops in how her entire life is wrapped up in recovery - still. I called her thinking she was what Al Anon was about and all she would say was Al Anon-isms. That FREAKED ME OUT too. I avoid an ENTIRE county of meetings she so scared me. I figured she is probably at them all regularly!

Now there was also a hot soon to be single father who could cook. I really liked him. So I had to leave that meeting for a multitude of reasons.

My second group is much more well balanced. We have people there because of their parents, adult kids and spouses. We have a mix of people working and retired or well-to-do retired. We read the steps, we read about 100 different things between daily readers & warnings not to cross talk & finally we have either a speaker, a tradition or a step discussion. We get in and get it done and I go back to work. Nice peeps.

Catherine628

I have tried a ton of different meetings in several different states. I will say that old ladies seem to dominate and I'm like Code Job; I don't want to end up like that. I use them as cautionary tales to keep me on the path that works for me.

Most meetings follow the same general format. I've only been to one that allowed crosstalk and I loved it. My home group is small so everyone has an opportunity to talk. Sometimes we close early and just talk after the meeting. We also meet monthly just to socialize.

It was worth it for me to keep trying meetings until I found one that worked.

jarp

The meeting I got to is like the first post described.

I'm in my early 40's..I think I'm the youngest by 20 years. 60% women. No cross talk. All have been in recovery for many, many years....I'm the newest member in 5 years!!! All are ACOA's. Some married A's. NO talk of alcoholism per se. Yesterday was on mistakes...and each did a reading and shared mistakes in their life. Then gave gratitude to al-anon.

Tbh im not sure what I get out of it....listening to others is definitely good. There are not any other al anon meetings where I live. I thought I might try SMART to see the difference.

BlueChair

This article posted by SR might help show some of the differences, but one thing the article leaves off is Smart tools can be used by anyone looking to change their behavior or cope with life problems. The smart family program uses the Smart tools and for those that want to apply them, also the CRAFT tools (community reinforcement and family training).

SMART vs. AA: 8 Major Differences

PHIZ007

I attend a meeting outside of my local area because it is on my day off and a morning meeting which works well for me.

I can't get to the more local meetings at the moment as they are either on my working days or are in the evening. I need to be home in the evening to put my girls to bed as my AH drinks every evening from 6.30 pm and so I like to be home for bedtime.

I Am fairly new to Al Anon but two months in I really do enjoy the meeting and take something new away with me every week. It is well attended and there is a complete mix of people from old timers to college students and me in the middle age range. Lovely welcoming warm people and I feel most welcome there.

We read the steps and traditions then go round and say how we are then there is a share...and then everyone who wants to chat about the share gets a turn to speak.

I sobbed through my first few meetings partly with the relief that I was part of something where other people really DID UNDERSTAND! Unlike some well meaning friends and family that really just don't get it atall. I mean how could you possibly get it unless you lived within that situation?

I am lucky it's so well attended too as it's the only meeting at the moment I can get to. I call it my Friday therapy!

I hope you find one that suits you.

All the best Phiz ��

TJD912

This is how mine were. I say "were" because a few things happened each time I went, and I ended up not going back.

1. To me, we were all sharing for an hour about our crappy weeks and at the time, my now soon to be XAH had just relapsed after 12 years in recovery. I didn't want to talk about how God awful things were going, and how every day they were getting worse. (The others seemed to find support in knowing others were experiencing similar lives.)
2. I saw moms from the district I worked in and prayed to God they didn't see me or recognize me. ...And I went to one a few towns over and still saw people I knew.
3. Saw a neighbor from the neighborhood I lived in with my 1st husband. I spent every meeting wondering who they thought I was there for. I'm sure they really didn't care or maybe even recognize me, but the stress was too much.

I ended up finding that self-help books, this message board, my own therapy, and talking to the rehab therapist my husband had have all helped me maintain sanity, realize nothing was going to change 3 relapses later, and divorce is the only way to get my life back. There will come a point when I won't need the support of this message board. I feel that's a good thing.