Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XI: "Into the Mootrix"
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
AG, You is welcome on any thread of Cow. I respect that you optimist and has strong feeling that it maybe bad for people to be pessimist. I hope also you can respect that I has different worldview and perspectives. Now let me be clear, my depression is not cause by "negative" thoughts. I did no say negative thoughts was attacking me, I said depression attacking me. Is biochemical attack. Is black free floating cloud that smother my brain and is not attach to thoughts.
Lenina, I has explain that I need break. And I taking break, okay? You guys does what you want and has fun, but I not be participating, so please not set up this expectations. I will be back as I always am. I maybe even shower in meantime, who knows ...but not be on edge of you seat about that one.
Trach, nobody can promise they not gonna sudden die on you, cuz busses and tainted salad poisonings happen, but pretty sure I see you again in couple weeks or so. Have some faith in Cow, buddy, never would I, by choice, just disappear and let everybody left to wonder whatever happen to Cow.
Okay, well we past our 500 post limits, so the fabulous Mr. D will be shutting her down.
Everybody be well, and I see all you crazy twinkletoes before you know it.
Moo Mwah!
Lenina, I has explain that I need break. And I taking break, okay? You guys does what you want and has fun, but I not be participating, so please not set up this expectations. I will be back as I always am. I maybe even shower in meantime, who knows ...but not be on edge of you seat about that one.
Trach, nobody can promise they not gonna sudden die on you, cuz busses and tainted salad poisonings happen, but pretty sure I see you again in couple weeks or so. Have some faith in Cow, buddy, never would I, by choice, just disappear and let everybody left to wonder whatever happen to Cow.
Okay, well we past our 500 post limits, so the fabulous Mr. D will be shutting her down.
Everybody be well, and I see all you crazy twinkletoes before you know it.
Moo Mwah!
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Cow 
I know. I just really not has anythings to say lately. I just keep saying same things. And I not feel like saying them. I not like place my head is in, not like it at all. And I know you gonna say, it get better Cow. I hear you. But I not able to embrace this nebulous future "better" place right now, okay, cuz I busy trying to keep from going out my mind with this super aggressive depressions. I not has this kind of really aggressive depressions before, is like, it attacking my mind. It almost make me miss being total void zombie. In conclusion, I just feel like big black smear of shht on Satan’s ass. And yes, I know using not help. I already crank Sober Programming Module to 11.
You already know I admire you. You know I believe in you. Not because it's so hard to stay quit, but because you completely understand what else can you do if you don't stay quit? The alternatives are worse than staying quit.
Failure to stay quit doesn't have to be the end of the story. I failed for years to stay quit. Those years of failure beat me up something awful. Just giving up on staying quit all too often looked reasonable enough. Sometimes the alternatives looked attractive enough to keep abusing so I did not stay quit. Crazy times those quitting years.
What finally turned me around was I just couldn't stop believing in myself, you know? No matter how wasted I got, how lost I made myself, I still wanted to quit and never pick up again. Sure, I was failing. Yeah, I was FUBAR. And yet I still cared just enough to not give up on quitting.
When we don't give up is when we eventually make it work well enough to stay quit. It wasn't all cake when I quit. Now though, I can enjoy cake now and again. My life has it's good and bad, same as always.
Met with my surgeon today. We talked. Fusion and steel rods for my back. This is actually a second opinion. Had my first couple of weeks ago. Same conclusion. As well, it seems I'm having some kind of vascular problem with my left leg. The pulse is weak and the leg is on the cold side. Not good. I've been referred to a specialist to investigate and to clear me for complex surgery.
Broken back. Broken heart. Leg don't work. Other leg already amputated in 2012. Could be worse, yes?
You know, doesn't matter. I still believe in myself. Even more (truth be told) when things get tough. It is what it is. We do what we can when we can, and when we can't, we don't. Nonetheless, with belief in ourselves we always can do *some kind of something* about that certain difficult can't, and that whatever impossible don't. There's always a way forward. We don't have to stand still. We don't have to move backwards.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Yes, Robot, exactly, once I had decide to quit, even though I has fail at quitting, a lot, A LOT, I never stop quitting. I does believe in self. (It the execution of the belief that the stickler, yes?) Thank goodness I has Robot® design Sober Programming Module with me.
Moo Mwah, you brilliant tin can! I also admires you very, very much! See you soon!
Moo Mwah, you brilliant tin can! I also admires you very, very much! See you soon!
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
Broken back. Broken heart. Leg don't work. Other leg already amputated in 2012. Could be worse, yes?
You know, doesn't matter. I still believe in myself. Even more (truth be told) when things get tough. It is what it is. We do what we can when we can, and when we can't, we don't. Nonetheless, with belief in ourselves we always can do *some kind of something* about that certain difficult can't, and that whatever impossible don't. There's always a way forward. We don't have to stand still. We don't have to move backwards.
You know, doesn't matter. I still believe in myself. Even more (truth be told) when things get tough. It is what it is. We do what we can when we can, and when we can't, we don't. Nonetheless, with belief in ourselves we always can do *some kind of something* about that certain difficult can't, and that whatever impossible don't. There's always a way forward. We don't have to stand still. We don't have to move backwards.
When you are going through hell, just keep going.
We can hold hands yes ?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,352
Originally Posted by AddictGuy
We talk about triggers. I was writing one of my morning manifestos here and, upon thinking what a wonderful job I had done, I concluded that I "deserved" something. You can guess what. And then in rapid succession I thought, "I am not ready to get well yet." And then, quickly on the heels of that there was the usual euphoric buzz of anticipation. Strike one, strike two, strike three and . . . . out. So now I'll be sick tomorrow too. Someone on another thread was saying that each time you relapse it gets harder. Really??????????????????
"I 'deserve' this? Not ready to get well yet?" WTF?
Once it gets into the buzz of anticipation, I am always toast. If I thought that the moon was made of green cheese, and I got that buzz, I would believe in having a cup (or a half gallon) of powerful coffee to that too.
When I think that at least it's not alcohol or cigarettes or any of the other past baddies, I use that thought as freaking justification. Like the stars are just freaking aligned to get me to use.
AG
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Yes, we do.
Maybe Robot have "Robot's Salon" thread where you all continue you conversating. Cow can shut my cowtrap and read instead of droning and belaboring, and, you know, when it not total over our heads, we sure to learn a lot.
Maybe Robot have "Robot's Salon" thread where you all continue you conversating. Cow can shut my cowtrap and read instead of droning and belaboring, and, you know, when it not total over our heads, we sure to learn a lot.
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