One day I am on top of it, the next is a different story..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Melbourne, Vic.
Posts: 5
One day I am on top of it, the next is a different story..
I was here about 6 months ago under another name, when I was only drunkys girl. Now we are expecting our first child together and things are no better, no worse either but definitely no better. I am constantly asking myself questions I already know the answers to, mostly why? Why him? Why me? Why us?
When we first met I couldn't believe my luck, I thought men like him only existed in movies and fairytales, so sweet, kind and caring. Like my mother (also an alcoholic) his heart is too big for this world, he cares about things nobody else does, I guess that's why they drink. To numb the pain of an oversized heart, to stop caring for a while..
Sometimes when I look at him all I see is pain and confusion, I can see how much he battles with himself. The depression the anxiety, the doubt. I can see how much he just wants to do good for us and please me, his demons (alcohol addiction) are just too strong. Again I ask my self why? I know the answer but it just doesn't seem fair. Nor him or I deserve this life we are living.
I see hope, I see blue skies and potentially bright futures, I know they are very far away but not unreachable, I also know I am being unrealistic.
I say I can't cope but I do and I am, I'm more than stuck between a rock and a hard place, I am crammed in tightly in a sad place.
When we first met I couldn't believe my luck, I thought men like him only existed in movies and fairytales, so sweet, kind and caring. Like my mother (also an alcoholic) his heart is too big for this world, he cares about things nobody else does, I guess that's why they drink. To numb the pain of an oversized heart, to stop caring for a while..
Sometimes when I look at him all I see is pain and confusion, I can see how much he battles with himself. The depression the anxiety, the doubt. I can see how much he just wants to do good for us and please me, his demons (alcohol addiction) are just too strong. Again I ask my self why? I know the answer but it just doesn't seem fair. Nor him or I deserve this life we are living.
I see hope, I see blue skies and potentially bright futures, I know they are very far away but not unreachable, I also know I am being unrealistic.
I say I can't cope but I do and I am, I'm more than stuck between a rock and a hard place, I am crammed in tightly in a sad place.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I spent a lot of time stuck in that kind of thinking. What helped me was Alanon. Can you get to meetings where you are?
With a baby coming you will need lots of support. Trying to coparent with an alcoholic is a special kind of hell.
I remember my ex at the hospital the day our son was born, glowing with pride and love shining out of his eyes. We were so happy. We were invincible. Our love would conquer all.
I remember the day after we brought our son home from the hospital my ex drank a quart of whiskey and passed out with his head in the dog's dish. I seriously contemplated suicide that day.
The highs and lows of a relationship like that are overwhelming even without pregnancy hormones coursing through you. Build a support network for yourself. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to isolate myself because of fear and shame.
With a baby coming you will need lots of support. Trying to coparent with an alcoholic is a special kind of hell.
I remember my ex at the hospital the day our son was born, glowing with pride and love shining out of his eyes. We were so happy. We were invincible. Our love would conquer all.
I remember the day after we brought our son home from the hospital my ex drank a quart of whiskey and passed out with his head in the dog's dish. I seriously contemplated suicide that day.
The highs and lows of a relationship like that are overwhelming even without pregnancy hormones coursing through you. Build a support network for yourself. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to isolate myself because of fear and shame.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: oklahoma
Posts: 85
!!!! That's exactly how mine is !!!! He was like something out of a story book and so kind hearted. Still twinkles through on rare occasions. We had two babies though. And things just got worse and it seems like he lost a piece of himself everyday (I kinda feel that way about myself too). It sucks and I agree it isn't fair at all. There's always hope I think. It's just... Gotta come from somewhere beyond us >_< I'm so sorry.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
My experience with active alcoholism and giving birth was also not good. Please get help lined up. My AH showed up at 11:30 pm (4 hours late), drunk, and ready to drive post caesarean me and baby home. Ugh Please have a back up plan for even the basics, like how to get home from the hospital.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nobody "deserves" to be an alcoholic or to love an alcoholic--we get what we get, though. Some people get cancer--they don't "deserve" that, either.
I agree with the others, line up the maximum support for yourself that you can, right now, because it's tougher once the baby comes. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but the sooner you climb out of the pit of self-pity (and that isn't a criticism--we've all been there), the sooner you can regain the strength to make good, healthy choices for yourself and the baby. You've got a long, hard road ahead of you. Best to get the resources to deal with it now.
I agree with the others, line up the maximum support for yourself that you can, right now, because it's tougher once the baby comes. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but the sooner you climb out of the pit of self-pity (and that isn't a criticism--we've all been there), the sooner you can regain the strength to make good, healthy choices for yourself and the baby. You've got a long, hard road ahead of you. Best to get the resources to deal with it now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Melbourne, Vic.
Posts: 5
So he says to me "you can't keep doing this". Meaning I can't keep having a problem with his drinking and insist he sees a doctor because his eyes are yellow and his anxiety is high. So inevitably its me who has the problem, gotta love alcoholic logic (sarcasm).
He probably wouldn't go to the doctor if he lost his hand so talking him to into going for a problem he doesn't believe exists or is serious, is near impossible.
On another note I am buying furniture on ebay, getting the nest ready for our child. This Morning I get out of bed earlier than usual to watch an auction for a lounge set that I am in love with and he wakes up and says "go back to sleep, we don't have any money for the lounges". Well this made my blood boil! Mr "who has spent $300 on booze and gambling since wednesday" tells me we can't afford $200 for a lounge set that I have my heart set on. Because if we buy it that will be less alcohol he can afford, of course, silly me (some more alcoholic logic for you). I'm buying them anyway, not my problem.
He probably wouldn't go to the doctor if he lost his hand so talking him to into going for a problem he doesn't believe exists or is serious, is near impossible.
On another note I am buying furniture on ebay, getting the nest ready for our child. This Morning I get out of bed earlier than usual to watch an auction for a lounge set that I am in love with and he wakes up and says "go back to sleep, we don't have any money for the lounges". Well this made my blood boil! Mr "who has spent $300 on booze and gambling since wednesday" tells me we can't afford $200 for a lounge set that I have my heart set on. Because if we buy it that will be less alcohol he can afford, of course, silly me (some more alcoholic logic for you). I'm buying them anyway, not my problem.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Drunkyswife 
So he says to me "you can't keep doing this". Meaning I can't keep having a problem with his drinking and insist he sees a doctor because his eyes are yellow and his anxiety is high. So inevitably its me who has the problem, gotta love alcoholic logic (sarcasm).
He probably wouldn't go to the doctor if he lost his hand so talking him to into going for a problem he doesn't believe exists or is serious, is near impossible.
On another note I am buying furniture on ebay, getting the nest ready for our child. This Morning I get out of bed earlier than usual to watch an auction for a lounge set that I am in love with and he wakes up and says "go back to sleep, we don't have any money for the lounges". Well this made my blood boil! Mr "who has spent $300 on booze and gambling since wednesday" tells me we can't afford $200 for a lounge set that I have my heart set on. Because if we buy it that will be less alcohol he can afford, of course, silly me (some more alcoholic logic for you). I'm buying them anyway, not my problem.
He probably wouldn't go to the doctor if he lost his hand so talking him to into going for a problem he doesn't believe exists or is serious, is near impossible.
On another note I am buying furniture on ebay, getting the nest ready for our child. This Morning I get out of bed earlier than usual to watch an auction for a lounge set that I am in love with and he wakes up and says "go back to sleep, we don't have any money for the lounges". Well this made my blood boil! Mr "who has spent $300 on booze and gambling since wednesday" tells me we can't afford $200 for a lounge set that I have my heart set on. Because if we buy it that will be less alcohol he can afford, of course, silly me (some more alcoholic logic for you). I'm buying them anyway, not my problem.
It sounds like family and home are not priorities for your husband.
I kept thinking that if I could just get my ex to see what he was doing to the family that he HAD to make the right choice and get sober, but that's not how alcoholism works. He will have to come to that realization on his own. I was always powerless over his drinking and decisions, and I wasted a lot of time bashing my head against that brick wall of denial when I could have been enjoying life on my own with my sons.
Good luck, and I hope you enjoy your new lounge set. Sounds like you got a good deal.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Like my mother (also an alcoholic) his heart is too big for this world, he cares about things nobody else does, I guess that's why they drink. To numb the pain of an oversized heart, to stop caring for a while..
There are millions of sensitive, bighearted people in the world who don't prioritize booze over furniture for the baby they're expecting. Sure, he didn't ask for this. But he can choose to get help. And he isn't making that choice. Because alcohol is more important to him than you and your baby right now.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Dw- I am so sorry that you are having to do this on your own. Have a back up plan just in case. My XAH left me in labor to go out and get stoned. He wasn't there when the dr. told me to start pushing. Wonderful? That daughter just turned 21 years old.
Welcome to the family life of living with an addict. What I did over the last 34 years was just survive for me and my girls. I tried to protect my kids from the addict and lived my own life in survival mode. Not a fun way to live. What I know now and what I new 20 or 25 years ago, I hope that I wouldn't have "waited" for him to get his act together. Its going to take a lot more then me for him to hit rock bottom.
Hugs my friend. Take care of you, stop obsessing over what the A does and doesn't do. Get through your pregnancy and you can make plans when you are strong enough to follow threw with them. Please don't waste 1/2 of your life like i did being an enabler and a codie. It doesn't work!!
Welcome to the family life of living with an addict. What I did over the last 34 years was just survive for me and my girls. I tried to protect my kids from the addict and lived my own life in survival mode. Not a fun way to live. What I know now and what I new 20 or 25 years ago, I hope that I wouldn't have "waited" for him to get his act together. Its going to take a lot more then me for him to hit rock bottom.
Hugs my friend. Take care of you, stop obsessing over what the A does and doesn't do. Get through your pregnancy and you can make plans when you are strong enough to follow threw with them. Please don't waste 1/2 of your life like i did being an enabler and a codie. It doesn't work!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Melbourne, Vic.
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by lillamy
I'm sorry to sound harsh here, but alcoholics don't drink because they're unusually big-hearted. Alcoholics drink because they're addicted to alcohol. Telling yourself that he's somehow different and more sensitive than the rest of us just puts a rosy shimmer on something that's anything but rosy. It's romanticizing a disease that will kill him if he doesn't get help, and that might very well drag you down with him.
There are millions of sensitive, bighearted people in the world who don't prioritize booze over furniture for the baby they're expecting. Sure, he didn't ask for this. But he can choose to get help. And he isn't making that choice. Because alcohol is more important to him than you and your baby right now.
There are millions of sensitive, bighearted people in the world who don't prioritize booze over furniture for the baby they're expecting. Sure, he didn't ask for this. But he can choose to get help. And he isn't making that choice. Because alcohol is more important to him than you and your baby right now.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Drunkyswife
I am aware there are millions of bighearted people in the world who don't prioritize booze, I believe myself to be one of them. I didn't meant to romanticize it, was just how I expressed myself at a very low point yesterday. I am aware it will kill him, it killed my mother. I have lived it twice over so I can assure you there is no rosy shimmer, no happy ending. I am just trying to cope the best I can, trying to make sense of something that does not make sense.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Melbourne, Vic.
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
What are you doing to cope? Are you in a group like Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? I grew up with an alcoholic father, and it effected me in ways I didn't understand until years later. Especially in the relationships I have chosen throughout my adult life. I gravitated toward the familiar, even though it was unhealthy. Attending Alanon is helping me to heal those childhood wounds.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
First, congratulations on your pregnancy!
Second, I've lived this too. My husband was a raging daily drinker during my second pregnancy but I had no idea what his problem was. I thought he was just having rage attacks (thank you Google). I agree with others that it's important to create a support system for yourself and your baby that doesn't center around him. My second daughter is now 18 months old (I joined SR when she was just a few months old) and my husband has continued to fall down the slippery and dark slope of alcoholism her entire life.
There are no simple answers when you're dealing with a loved one with alcoholism. For me personally, SR was where I started, then I added individual therapy and eventually al-anon to my personal arsenal of recovery stuff so that I can be a calmer and better person - especially for my kids. Dealing with an alcoholic husband is sometimes enough to drive you crazy and it's really difficult to not have any of it spill over to your kids sometimes.
Lastly, welcome and I adore your username. If I had to have a nickname in al-anon I would definitely choose "Drunky's Wife".
P.S. I found it helpful to take lots of warm bubble baths and do prenatal yoga during my second pregnancy to help bring down my stress levels. I hope you've found something similar to help you cope with the added stress. Like a pregnant woman needs more stress!
Second, I've lived this too. My husband was a raging daily drinker during my second pregnancy but I had no idea what his problem was. I thought he was just having rage attacks (thank you Google). I agree with others that it's important to create a support system for yourself and your baby that doesn't center around him. My second daughter is now 18 months old (I joined SR when she was just a few months old) and my husband has continued to fall down the slippery and dark slope of alcoholism her entire life.
There are no simple answers when you're dealing with a loved one with alcoholism. For me personally, SR was where I started, then I added individual therapy and eventually al-anon to my personal arsenal of recovery stuff so that I can be a calmer and better person - especially for my kids. Dealing with an alcoholic husband is sometimes enough to drive you crazy and it's really difficult to not have any of it spill over to your kids sometimes.
Lastly, welcome and I adore your username. If I had to have a nickname in al-anon I would definitely choose "Drunky's Wife".
P.S. I found it helpful to take lots of warm bubble baths and do prenatal yoga during my second pregnancy to help bring down my stress levels. I hope you've found something similar to help you cope with the added stress. Like a pregnant woman needs more stress!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You might try giving your local Al-Anon office a call and see if there's someone who might be able to give you a ride to a meeting. AAs and Al-Anons are pretty good about that sort of thing. I really think you could use the support and ideas you can find there.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
DW- Please don't take it wrong on what we are sharing with you. We have all suffered so much and we wish no other women (especially)pregnant would have to go through what we did. We are tough because some times us codies like things sugar coated. I really didn't get my butt into gear until I realized that I was only hurting my A by enabling him and (helping) him do what ever he wanted.
Once I realized that the best thing for him and me was to walk away and get healthy. Then maybe he will stand alone and see how miserable his life is. We all care about one another on this forum. We all UNDERSTAND the pain that you are going through, like no other group of people.
Please keep an open mind, learn and educate yourself about this horrible disease of alcoholism!!! ((((hugs))))))))
Once I realized that the best thing for him and me was to walk away and get healthy. Then maybe he will stand alone and see how miserable his life is. We all care about one another on this forum. We all UNDERSTAND the pain that you are going through, like no other group of people.
Please keep an open mind, learn and educate yourself about this horrible disease of alcoholism!!! ((((hugs))))))))
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