Kate15

Before I start I want to just say that what is going to be expressed below is one part of how I feel tonight. Please know that I appreciate this forum and this is just a vent. Please excuse me for this…

I am angry tonight. I am lying in bed about to sleep and I am reading the forum and as I read I find myself getting mad.

Because earlier I was at the gym running and I was feeling good and spirited and thinking ‘tomorrow’s Friday maybe after the gym tomorrow night I can go for a couple of beers on the way home’ (like before). I was telling myself that would be ok. And I think I had pretty much convinced myself that I would just be normal and have some beer on a Friday night like many others do.

I felt like 'I damn well want a couple of nice cold refreshing beers on a Friday and yeah I’m and adult I can do that, right?'

Then my other voice started in. It started putting up the other argument that was showing me how really well I’d done on a ‘couple of beers’ in the past and reminding me of where that will probably end. I played the tape out of not just that night but the others that would follow. And so I argued with myself for a time, before I got on with my exercise and got the nice little runners rush and forgot about the beer.

Then here I am lying here in bed reading this forum and I want that beer….just two or three.

It will be Friday and I want it. Why do I have to restrain myself? Why am I reading this freaking forum and driving myself nuts about drinking or not drinking. Others don’t do this; they just go have the freaking beer!!

I am fed the hell up with the argument. I am sick of caring. I don’t give a rats about this stupid nonsense. I wish it would just shut the heck up and bugger off. So freaking mad (and by freaking I mean the other F word).

‘This is ridiculous’ says one voice, the other says ‘it is more ridiculous to drink your healthy life away and not be the great person you are because you are drunk’. Freak me! I am over it. So damn over it. So pissed about this.

And so I cry because I don’t know what to do with this emotional storm, because I don’t want to care. I want to play. I want to go out and find some mischief. I want to be reckless and I want to lose myself. And that is the crux of it there. I want to lose myself. I sometime hate being with me. And that makes me very sad indeed because I am a great person and I deserve my own love. So why do I want to run, why do I hate myself in such a way?

How can I both love and hate myself so much all at once and why is it all so freaking confusing and frustrating (rhetorical questions here)

Freak! It hurts inside and I am tired of this crap.

I’m going to cry and pray that after a good sleep that tomorrow I don’t care that it is Friday and I am going to come up with a plan to have something to do tomorrow night after the gym so I don’t stop at the pub on the way home. Because right now I can see myself there and the beer tastes so good.

…..I will be fine. This noise just has to come out. Thank you all. x

and finally I hear the voice say 'don't give up what you want most for what you want in the moment'. Thanks to whoever has there on their avatar here.

Still mad though.

CodeJob

This is a really good post Katie.

IOAA2

Hi.

I recall those feelings of years ago. Try to remember most feelings are not real.

I needed to learn that alcoholism is baffling, cunning, powerful and insidious.
It waits for our weak moments and springs the trap so we listen to the insanity of glamorizing drinking and other lies.

Be strong and resist the temptations, read the results on these pages instead.

BE WELL

Tally809

Thank you for putting that into words. It helps me when I know I'm not alone.

Soberwolf

Your doing well kate thats the AV if it happens again try this

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

Urge Surfing ? Relapse Prevention ? Mindfulness

Thank you for posting that kate your doing awesome it might not feel like that now but you are doing really well

Kate15

Thanks all. I've woken up with a better frame of mind and later today I will check those links out for some more advice. Thanks for your support. X

zjw

its just noise that's all it is. But before I figured that out I thought I was going nuts myself. and yes other people don't have this battle in there head unless there alcoholics.

the non smoker doesn't run around wishing he could just have a cigarette. Its not an issue for him. Same with the non drinker. It'll be the same for you in time more often then not.

30 days in I felt pretty dang entitled to a beer. I had a rough day and damnit I was gonna have one. I had 30 days under my belt I friggen deserved that beer!! I grabbed one out of the fridge sat down my wife was like are ou really going to throw away your sobriety over 1 bad day? I said absolutely I had a bad day I got 30 days I'm haven a damn beer I exclaimed! She looked at me very sad etc.. I put the beer back in the fridge and didn't have it. I think that was a big turning point for me.

I guess at some point I just got over myself and quit fighting with myself about it.

I wont lie sure sometimes its like ugg wish I could have one! but I know I cant so then it ends there.

PurpleKnight

We can't change who we are, and for me I can't have a few or 1 or moderate, it's all or nothing, blackout drinking didn't get me far so I guess I'll have to go with the nothing.

I like to equate it to a nut allergy, if your Dr said you had a nut allergy, would you immediately go out and buy a packet of nuts to have a few, or would you take appropriate steps to not have any nuts and accept that is your makeup? why then should alcohol be treated in any other way?!! If we're not compatible then we can't change it!!

Hang in there Kate and keep pushing through!!

courage2

Great post, Kate! It does get better -- if you start looking for things to make those Friday nights fun! Your post is full of great (if freaking mad) energy -- where can you send it?

leviathan

good post kate! ive had that arguement in my head.

not taking the drink so i dont fall into traumatic consequences is great and all, but the real liberation came when i realized that im not missing anything "magical". that arguement is really just me grappling with the "can't" thing. you could tell me "you just CAN'T stub your toe anymore!" -i would immediately want to do it. HA! -man, am i a dork.

Kate15

Thanks, this is what I need to work on. Where to send that energy. My thoughts are that while I'm a nice person, I have, and I think we all have, a shadow side and that side needs to be acknowledged and given something constructive to do. An outlet that does not lead to harm.

And this shadow side is not really bad or evil, its just that I can not be sunshine and rainbows everyday. Where there is light, there is dark. So to stay balanced the shadow side needs its outlet too. I just need to direct it in a constructive way.

Any suggestions?