Ann

I am bringing the link to this thread down from the "sticky" posts because I need to re-read it myself from time to time and I think the newcomers will find helpful information here.

It was an eye opener when I first read it, it remains in my "recovery treasures" today.

10 Ways We Can Help

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-can-help.html

Fate2012

Thanks for sharing. My MIL is a huge enabler. She has paid thousands of dollars for my AH to get out of jail, atty fees, car, etc etc. She just won't stop, in a way she is sick too.
And if she thought about it, she is doing him no favors.
Just sad and frustrating!

Ann

I was just like her, Fate, I thought if I loved my son enough and saved him from all consequences in life...he just might get clean.

He didn't get clean or better but I got sicker and sicker trying to save what was not mine to save.

It was posts like the one above, and wise words from those who went before me, that helped me see with clarity how enabling I had been.

When I knew better, I did better and I thank God for my meetings and SR.

Hugs

jjj111

Thanks for this, Ann! I'm really struggling with how to deal with my addict sister, and these were good reminders, especially not to lecture or become angry. It's recently become clear that she's still drinking to excess despite a detox attempt a year ago, and I'm struggling with whether to even say anything to her or just distance myself. Part of me wants her to know that I'm distancing myself, but I think that is the part of me that still clings to the idea that I can do something to change her path? Sometimes it's hard to know exactly how far to back off!

Ann

Sometimes just "acceptance", not condoning it but just taking it for what it is and live and let live.

Acceptance with good boundaries so that you are not drawn in to the drama is often a healthy way to make peace with it all.

Hugs

Amysad

Ann, once again, just when I need a refresher lesson, you picked me right back up to stay strong and continue my course! Thank you.

GardenMama

10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .

These are great reminders, Ann. I practice all of the above, and am now hovering at #10. My question now, and among several members of my NarAnon group with recovering (young adult) children, is how long do we need to keep treating their behavior post-recovery as that of an addict? The boundary gets blurred because I can see both the long-term consequence of addiction and the work towards change in recovery. I have a boundary-date set this week for her to move out, and as it gets closer and she has not yet been approved for an apartment, my resolve is weakening. My husband's isn't. Just mine. If I keep the addict in mind, I feel stronger. But when I consider her 7 months clean, in college now, etc., I wonder if it is right to enforce it so strictly...She cries homelessness, living in a tent, how could I be so mean, she's my daughter, etc. I am feeling stuck in a terrible place between her past and my hope now for her future. And she also uses her pregnancy against me now...Sorry if I have hijacked this post, but your list brought it to mind.

Amysad

Garden Mama - I am a parent too of an AD. I know EXACTLY what you mean about this. Everything you said HIT HOME SO HARD with me. I disengaged with my daughter in July of 2014. I have spoken with her two times - thats it. We have seen each other one time and I am going to see her next week for her 29th birthday. I had written something several months ago and ZOSO very wisely said something to the affect is that "if you are ready to see her and accept ANYTHING that may come as a result of seeing her" than go for it. At that time, I felt I was ready to see her BUT I knew in my heart I was not ready to accept anything that may come as a result of seeing her. It was excellent advice. I am now entering my 9th month of not seeing my adult daughter. We text maybe once a week. She is entirely living on her own. She has a job and says she is clean and working recovery through steps and through meetings. I don't dwell (and it is really really hard) on whether she is being truthful, but I rather spend the time thinking of what I know for a FACT to be true - I am in a better place, she is paying for herself, she is for the first time in 28 years living without family subsidies, she has reached out to attempt an apology to some of her family, my other daughter (never a user) is in a better place because the addiction has left the household. Frankly, when I use to think of "timelines for re-entry" I NOW think I don't want re-entry at all. A new "wierd normal" will evolve - but I will never again demonstrate "green light acceptance" of her choice whether an old choice or, as we all know the choice she will always have in front of her. She sent me a text about a month ago. It said "thankyou for saving my life by cutting me off". That is all I had to hear to know SR put me on the right road. I will pray for you....this is tough....but remember that what we Moms think of as being harsh or mean just may (and in my case appears to have worked) save their life because we can't do it for them - they have to do it themselves and they have to work it themselves.

Twofish

Dear Ann,
I'm in agreement with all the "mommas" comments!
I needed to hear this today, it was the wake-up again
call. This disease just doesn't want to let go...
Thank you for taking such good care of us Ann!!
TF

shinebright7

Dear Ann,

Thank you. I had just been reading the sticky version of this a few minutes ago and was making notes about questions and thoughts I had.

One of my questions had to do with #9 about not accommodating the disease -- and it gives an example of locking up one's valuables.

To me this seems like self-preservation. We have very little money as it is, and I don't want to be left without money myself because my husband chooses to make poor choices with it.

Can you share your perspective on what the alternative would be?

BTW - I used to come around to SR about a year and half ago and you (and many others) were so sweet and supportive. Thank you.

Ann

For me, the alternative to locking up my valuables was to not let my addicted son in my home, I even installed an alarm system in case he decided to break in. While he lived at home I had to lock up my valuables or risk losing them, because my son stole anything he could pawn or sell.

I often speak of the insanity of having my son live at home...I would hide my valuables and he would hide his stash. Then when one of us would go out, the other would search for the hidden goods. How crazy is that?

To the other mamas, before my son disappeared, my relationship with him became through phone calls and only when he could be respectful (and so was I), and some visits at public places for a coffee or meal, now and then.

Our relationship was such that having him come home for any reason just ended in disaster and I couldn't visit him in some of the places he stayed.

We have to do what it right for us and take very good care of us...regardless of where they are or are not in their recovery.

I am glad so many of you are finding food for thought in the above discussion.

Hug

Twofish

Dear Ann and welcome back Shinebright7,
Yep! I'm one of those mommas who lock up
my valuables. I, to this day, continue to lock
up $, medication, jewelry. So many items
have been "stolen" from me to support my RADs
drug habits . I look at it like this...why tempt
temptation? Even when I locked up things in
one of those Walmart safes, they broke into that!!
I finally invested in one of those heavy duty black
safes. I now feel relaxed and "safe"
that what is left, IS SAFE!
This is just me and my 2 cents worth!
TF

shinebright7

Thanks for sharing what it meant for you, Ann. I get what you mean.

I think what feels right to me at the moment is that I continue to keep our stuff in the trunk of my car and not give him a key to it (he doesn't drive anyway, but used to have one so he could get in and out of it).

He's been in his program for 5 days, so he hasn't been using anything in those days, but he's gone 5 days without using in the past so that's no big accomplishment yet. What I'm keeping my eyes out for is a change in actions -- in responsibility. Otherwise, he's not really recovering, he's just going to the PHP program.

Definitely stuff to think about, though.

Twofish - I've heard other people talk about their addicts taking their little safe and breaking into it. I'm glad YOU feel safer now...I think that's my main goal right now. What really puts me at ease?

Searching his pockets didn't put me at ease. Going through his phone didn't. But preserving our limited funds so that I can pay for things does put me at ease. At least for now it does.

It wasn't even that he only spent our money on drugs and alcohol -- with his addict thinking, he would just make poor decisions all over the place and spend more than we agreed on regular food items at the grocery store, etc.

Thanks again for the thought-provoking article, Ann. xo

Ann

I am so glad that this is helping so many here, as it helped me.

Sorry, I overlooked this earlier, GardenMama. I don't have a good answer except to be true to yourself, your boundaries and what is right for you. You have given her a deadline...has she made any effort to find a place, I'm talking genuine effort here? My son was lousy with deadlines, he'd just ride out time until the deadline came, then come up with some sad excuse why he couldn't find or get another place. He would make no effort at all, he wouldn't discuss it before hand, he just played the guilt card as long as he could until some crisis once again led us to throwing him out.

I heard a speaker once at a NA conference, her name was Mona and she was from Arkansas, I think, but she was clean over 25 years and her mother STILL slept with her purse when Mona visited Mona laughed about it and took it with good humour, but I totally understood where her mother was coming from. There comes a point, after being stolen from so many times and our trust has been stomped on, that we very well may never trust them again. And that's perfectly okay. I can love my son and still not trust him. I think the mama's of addicts here will understand that.

Today I set my standards by what makes me feel safe, happy, at peace and relaxed in my home. Anything that shakes that doesn't get through the front door. Works for me.

Hugs