chicory

(((Jay))) I am sorry that I don't always catch the clues... I always care though. And am here to listen and learn. Do you belong to any online forums which deal with your diagnosis? I love the internet for this reason alone.

Sending love. I am a bit of a loner, too, because I always feel inferior , because of my foo crap. my mom programmed us to feel others look down on us.

I hope you are in contact with your doctor over the delusional moments. really, sweetie, I think you told us that you are to contact them if you feel that way?

love to you Jay. I am sorry for any times I am not giving more than I am.. I am ignorant of much,, and knowing how to support is one of my shortcomings.
(((((Hug)))))

Chino

Jay, my 27 year old recovering IV opiate addict daughter finally found a friend that can relate to her and I hope you find one too. I wish you could meet him as he's a very gentle person with an open heart. His mom was murdered when he was 6 years old; she was an active addict. He's been thru the foster system and just all sorts of hell.

I thought about you again, Jay, because the cautious contact I had with my mom has to end again. I don't know what will happen in a month or year from now, but I do know I can't have any contact now. I spent the last 4 days nursing wounds she inflicted, and the timing is crappy.

I'm having oral surgery tomorrow then ankle surgery in two weeks. The ankle is a big deal; it involves ligament grafting. Last night I suddenly realized "oh crap I'm too sad for all the narcotics I'll be taking!!!" There's a fine line between sadness and self pity; I don't have any narcotic addiction issues and I sure don't want to start. So I've been diligently working thru my emotions and not suppressing anything. I screamed at the sky a few times yesterday and cried until my eyes were swollen. Today I feel good and have smiled, laughed a few times.

I wouldn't have this awareness if it weren't for my daughter and by extension, you good people who have helped me see life a lot more clearly. Thank you.

Healing thoughts and prayers all around, for all of us.

JustAYak

((Chino)) - I love it when you drop by. I too hope I find someone I can relate to in a more meaningful way. Ginger is probably the closest I get (and it's not very close) and I think that is why we work together so well. She is healthy...I am not so much, but she is more mature, more of an "old soul" as suki put it, I think. She doesn't avoid deep-rooted issues, it doesn't seem to make her as uncomfortable as most other people our age. I am actually sort of afraid I will ruin her because my issues are monstrous and no one should probably be with someone like me. I supposedly deserve love which may be true, but what about the person giving it? What if they get nothing back because people like me are so tightly wound inside themselves that there is very little we can express... they don't deserve that. I feel like I will ultimately maker her unhappy and let her down... I suppose she will tell me when I do.

I am glad you made a decision for you ((Chino)), I know it must not be easy. I hope your surgeries go well and recovery is painless. What happened to your ankle?

((Chicory)) - I am apart of another forum for mental health issues. I can post and get responses, but it's not like here really where there are little thread families... And please, you and ((everyone else)), I did not mean to make it sound like you all miss things and it bothers me, I wasn't talking about you guys here. You are the ones that I can count on to draw me out if I need it, actually. I think because it is writing here, you cannot be subtle, not in the way you can with actions. When writing you either hide whatever it is you're really feeling or you don't. So it's either invisible or it's not. It is easier to know when things are weird and when things are fine with someone, at least I think so. Writing patterns and all...so ((chic)) there is absolutely nothing to be sorry about. I was not blaming you, no one here is a mind reader and I wouldn't expect them to be . I have been in touch with my doctor(s), they know what is going on...I went to work today, came home, loaded Moose in my car and am at Ken & Sue's now. I am hitting my breaking point with these voices and everyday is an argument about who controls my actions. I am afraid to be alone if I lose my grip.

least

(((Jay)))

Impurrfect

Chino - I, too, am SO glad to see you here and around SR I'm so glad your daughter has such a good friend. I do worry about your upcoming surgeries, though. I know you will do fine, that's just how you are, and you are very in tune with what your body and mind needs. I just know how active you are and I imagine this will be tough.

I'm also sorry that things didn't work out with your mom, but it's not like you haven't tried over the years. I admire you because you always come back to what is best for you. I think of you, often, with love and gratitude.

Chic - I will second Jay in that you don't need to apologize for anything. You've caught on things before I did, in the past, and I'm glad we are all like a really good team that cares, deeply, for each other.

Least - I'm tickled to see you here, too!

Jay - I'm glad you are at Ken and Sue's, though sorry about the voices. I'm incredibly proud of you for knowing you don't need to be alone, right now.

As far as you thinking you don't give love back, I have to disagree. You have always been here for all of us, no matter what we are going through. It may seem like you are doing all the taking, but you couldn't be farther from the truth.

Suki - I think an old soul is a great thing. Recently, when my friend Nick died and I was at their house, after the funeral, I was telling his wife's daughter "I hope you don't take offense, but I feel like you are an old soul".

She grinned, said "no, actually I love it!". I knew her when she was just a kid. Was thinking about her, this morning, and how she is a lot like Jay in that she's just more responsible and never got into the typical kid stuff.

You just put words into what I was feeling.

It rained, all day, here but never got really cold. I don't know if M will be training the dogs on Sat. or not, or whether I will be going to Chattanooga. If I can work it out, I may take one of those days and drive to the beach.

I brought it up on whiners, it's been calling my name ever since. It's close to a 4-hour drive, one way. Don't have money to stay overnight, but I love to drive and I could leave early, spend a few hours on the beach, then come back home.

If not this weekend, then one day soon. The beach is like a tranquilizer to me. It makes me put things into perspective, my problems seem to be about as big as a tiny grain of sand

Dad is actually driving to a city in FL that is on the beach!! He always just goes, drops off the freight, and leaves. Not me, I'd be walking on the beach!!

Love to all!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

JustAYak

I hope you make it to the beach ((Amy)).

chicory

Chino.. how nice to see you here.. I hope you stick around. I am sorry about your worries and concerns.. hugs.. hope your surgery goes well!

Amy, thanks, and yes, we do make a good team here.. Team Hen House!

Jay, I agree with Amy.. I find you very loving and caring. Do not ever underestimate your gift to the world, my friend. You have always been there for me and for all of us.
Glad you are at Ken and Sues we love you Jay.
I did not mean to misunderstand you, I get what you are saying now. I think I reach out more here than I do in real life.. I ask for more understanding and support here. I feel understood, and genuinely cared about.

Least, its so good to see you here You are like a ray of sunshine, my friend.

love you all.
chic

Fandy

Yakkala, hope you you got to sleep, glad that you were proactive and took up Moosie to go to Ken/Sue's house.
ok, my cats...my fussy cats..i mixed the Merrick and Halo in the same large container, now they dislike the Merrick and cry if there is not enough Halo..i put down a can of friskies salmon yesterday am and threw it away last night...they picked the halo out of the kibble dish to eat spit the merrick out, i just found it with me feet.. Jay, should i just feed them halo?
Fat Fandy has lost about 1 lb....he was grossly overweight at 23#, but slowly losing, which is safe.
i noticed yesterday that Costco has grain free dog food for toy breeds, but i cannot buy 20lbs.
i am finally whupping Yakkala at WWF...( or WTF as Amy calls it).

venuscat

I am confused....I have been for ages....do you mix the wet and dry foods together Fandy love? I have no clue of the brand names you mentioned, so I don't really know what I'm asking. I have two dishes side by side...one for wet and one for dry. Is this what you do?



And then her water dish is next to that...plus a glass of water nearby that she likes. Go figure. Cats are their own bosses.

Fandy

wet and dry are kept in separate bowls too. and then 4 water dishes in various areas, the dog and the cats share the water, the cats of course prefer the dog's water and vice versa. NO water glasses here, Ozzy pushes everything on the floor, he sits on the island, looks at me and pushes my vitamins to the ground.

Impurrfect

No beach for me, this weekend. I will be going to Chattanooga tomorrow, the day it is supposed to be absolutely gorgeous. Sunday, when I have a full day off, it will be raining here and at the beach. Next weekend looks good, for now, 2 days of nice weather, so will shoot for that.

Fandy - I guess my fur-crew are less picky? I feed them the purina one in the bowls that they eat out of, any time. I give Tiger and Sammy Friskies shreds every morning and when I come home. I give Mots a few treats so he doesn't feel left out.

I've been feeding Miss Kitty and Mini Mots the Purina One on the deck (last night I had a possum out there!!). Have heard the outside cats raising their voices, and I know Miss Kitty is a female, have no idea about Mini Mots as it avoids me.

I've only had one cat in heat, got her fixed! The sounds I hear don't sound like sounds that cat made? I need to do something, want to get Miss Kitty fixed and Bev is okay with this (showed her a picture). She doesn't know about Mini Mots, who is now meowing but still won't let me near "it".

I am truly the old cat lady but am in withdrawal from M and the dogs. She's been posting pics of the puppies and they are so darned cute!!

On another good note, boss lady and I seem to have settled into a good relationship. Hope I didn't just jinx it, but have to admit - I was really happy to be going in to work today, and the day didn't let me down.

Love to all!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

venuscat

That's wonderful Ames, about your boss.
Glad she has learned to treat you with respect.

chicory

(((amy))) sorry you don't get to go to tybee this weekend, but soon you will. I wish I could see it, too. My son said (he stayed at his dads when they lived there, for the three weeks they helped him out..I digress) that it is the coolest place he ever visited. sort of 70's I think he said..hippies and a college town and he would have l ived there in a heartbeat.

Glad to hear that you are feeling more comfortable at work now. Maybe your bosslady wanted to see how tough you are... she has no idea...

work was busy today, and I am tired. but I wanna do my yoga. that will make three days in a row, and if I keep it up, I will be encouraged by feeling better.

xoxoxo
chic

Impurrfect

Thanks Vee and Chic

Chic - had to laugh at your comment about boss lady having no idea how tough I am. She really doesn't, but I never thought if it that way and I need to!!

Good for you on doing the yoga and Vee doing all the walking. I'm still not in the frame of mind to get active, but I'm praying and trying to remember how much better I felt when I was active.

I seriously want to just smack my feelings some times I KNOW they are feelings, I know they often aren't reality, but I still can't seem to get passed them?

Sending major hugs and prayers for our dear Jaybird. Also haven't heard from TPA, recently and more hugs and prayers to her.

I really need to find motivation to do simple stuff like laundry and vacuuming. Depression sucks

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

chicory

Yes it does honey.. yes it does.

I find that if I am really depressed, I need to be doing something for my health. get active. take a fast walk. Make myself do exercises. Its not easy. I have taken anti'd's before, if I could not shake it, during really tough times.
I hope your boss lady gets your insurance. It really seems like they are stalling. imho... tell her you need to make an appointment for a yearly... if she does not comply, she may be outside the law? not sure, but I think they have to provide it for you. Ask her if you need to apply for Obama care. You really need to be able to go to the dr. if you want to, without spending big money.
It will get better sweetie. your life has changed so much.. and you are letting go of problems not yours.. and it feels weird, I think, at first. but you are doing positive things, and that shows real growth.
don't let yourself get too down. we love you.

Impurrfect

Thanks, Chic I never thought about the fact that boss lady may be breaking the law by not getting me insurance? I did look at obamacare, and keep getting emails from them.

Good idea about telling her I need to go in for a yearly exam - she KNOWS I'm of "that age"?!?!

I'm trying not to get too down, but I just don't do well when I can't sleep. It's been about 6 months since I've been off the meds, I've gained weight and I don't want to do anything when I get home or on my days off.

I was doing really good with the exercising, then got sick, found out bratkins were addicts and it just fell apart.

I'll be okay, I've been through way worse. I have a ton of support, both here and f2f. I'm convinced a lot of it is wonky hormones and will address this with my Dr. when I get to see her.

For now, got Mots laying on the back of the couch, Sammy snuggled up next to me on the couch, and Tiger close by. Stray/feral kitties are behaving outside. I am looking forward to the trip to Chattanooga, will crank up the radio, sing like crazy AND make money

This, too, shall pass. I know, from experience, that this is true.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

JustAYak

There's no reason you can't feed just Halo, Fandy. Then when you run out of Halo, just give them a bowl of only Merrick...they'll eat it when they get hungry enough. Is there a reason you mix the two together? Just curious.

((Amy))

Fandy

for storage reasons. I bought the 2 bags to see which they liked better...last time they preferred the Merrick mixed with Purina One....but then they wanted canned food too. The Merrick is grain free, the Halo is not.

I am now putting down one little can of Fancy Feast at night, they just pick at it, but when the kibble bowl is empty at 4AM, I am told in no uncertain terms that I must get up and feed them, now today they are eating the Merrick! I changed my autoship order from Chewy to the Wellness Brand with the Halo Spots Stew Chicken.
You realize that they are getting whatever they want....now they will not even LOOK at the friskies, when previously all they wanted was Salmon pate and Sheba.

I am not throwing out 1/2 a bag of $30.00 kibble, they can eat what I put out or starve....everyone is well padded in the house, they just recently went on strike against the canned food, 4 different brands! I also am trying the "sweetcheeks" pouches for them to see if they will want that.

for what I am spending on gourmet food for the cats, I could be eating lobster tonight!

Impurrfect

Fandy - Sounds like your cats are a wee bit spoiled, but I do the same so can't say anything Luckily, mine are fine with the purina one dry food and have been eating the friskies shreds for a while. They occasionally get pate, don't like the beef flavor. I keep telling them this is NOT the buffet!!

I didn't get to the beach, but walked along the TN river and it was gorgeous! Will post pics on whiners.

Going to start a new thread, as we are almost at 500!!

Love to all!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Impurrfect

Here we go

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5274258

Hugs and prayers,

Amy