is my resent normal?

Old 12-27-2014, 06:46 PM
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is my resent normal?

I listened to my husband tell me on the phone tonight about how he participated in Yuwipi (you-wee-pe) ceremony at treatment today. It is a Lakota ceremony in which an elder prays for you and your family and for healing, etc in a sweat lodge type setting. He was really happy and grateful to be a part of it.
I found myself getting really jealous. Jealous that I was stuck writing in my journal or counting on my 1 hour alanon and 1 hour therapy a week to help give me strength. I was mad. In fact, I really didn't even want to speak with him.

Has anyone ever found themselves getting upset/jealous over their A's recovery. Not because they are recovering, but because they get to take the "time off" to heal and get a head start, whereas you are stuck trying to recover while also dealing with a thing called "life"?

I do know that it is inherently wrong of me to get angry at him....but what do I do about it? How do I help myself?
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Old 12-27-2014, 06:59 PM
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Trust me, rehab isn't a vacation or a picnic. The whole point of it, really, is to remove the distractions that derail so many people in the beginning. He is probably doing chores, has assignments to work on in between group sessions, etc. I've never been to rehab, myself (at least not as a client) but I know many people who have, and I've led meetings in them.

YOU are getting a big break, yourself, from the insanity. However much you might like to have the concentrated dose of recovery he's getting right now, you are still getting a lot more peace, I'm betting, than you had when he was there.

He'll be dealing with "life" soon enough. Hopefully, what he is learning at rehab will enable him to cope with it better than he was doing when he was just staying dry for periods of time before this.

Hugs,
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Old 12-27-2014, 07:12 PM
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Not because they are recovering, but because they get to take the "time off" to heal and get a head start, whereas you are stuck trying to recover while also dealing with a thing called "life"?
Man, I have been here and done this. I was super resentful when my husband went to rehab in August. I referred to it as summer camp. He called me every day telling me about his perfect attendance and playing sports that he enjoys and doing art classes. Meanwhile back on the ranch I was still dealing with life like I normally had to. Oh yeah, I was a resentful son of a… I'd say it's normal for some people, I felt similarly to how you are feeling, so at least you're not alone.

How do I help myself?
I had to be real honest with my husband after about a week of hearing about his rehab activities over the phone every night. I was happy that he was getting help but holy moly, I needed him to practice being a better listener if he was going to continue to call me everyday. I was not having an easy time during his rehab stay (our youngest had an allergic reaction and went into anaphylactic shock) and more than anything *I* needed him to just listen to me vent when he called. He couldn't help me in any other way than to just listen and to not offer me advice and that's exactly what I told him I needed. And I have a rock solid babysitter so I tried to get myself to a few more al-anon meetings than usual.
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Old 12-27-2014, 08:09 PM
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I've never been in your situation, but I've seen similar posts here often from people whose As have gone to rehab -- and they've been at this place where someone else cooks their meals and tells them when to go to therapy and what to do... their lives sound really cushy when you're the one stuck at home with the bills and the laundry and the kids, and nobody helping YOU with anything.

That resentment sounds somewhat rational to me -- if resentment can be rational. But I also think Lexie's point is very important. Much as it might sound cushy, rehab is pretty hellish for most addicts. (((hugs)))
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Old 12-27-2014, 09:35 PM
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Of course your resentment is normal. For me, I think I was waiting for him to realize the damage that he did. Mine didn't go to rehab, but many times when he came back again, he would go to therapy.

So we sit here waiting and waiting, to see if anything changes, we are still walking on the same eggshells we always walked on, now we are on our own. What if it snows, at least he cleared the driveway, now that is on me also. Resentment builds up, and it just builds up some more.

So, I can see where you are at. It's really hard to look at rehab without any kind of apprehension also. You don't know how he will be when he comes back. You already talked to him on the phone and there was more of that blame thing going on, again with his family, more of the same. So you start to doubt yourself some more, and people are giving you guilt and he is just having a cushy little life. Much like he had when he was home.

This is when you need to do the work on yourself. But while you are doing that work, you are taking care of everything else.

Resentment !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big time.

So while I can see all this and why you can feel resentment, it really up to you if you feel that you may be able to trust again. I think it is time for you to sit back and look at what you went through, and if you can forgive, or not. Can you really try again? Do you still have that left in you? It's not for us to answer those questions for you. It's your decision. I just want you to know whatever you decide, I'll be here for you.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
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Old 12-27-2014, 11:17 PM
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I've never had a loved one in rehab. Is it some kind of rule that you have to talk to him EVERY night? Like could you put him on with the kids and just talk to him every third night or so? I think you've got enough on your plate without an obligatory nightly phone call that clearly causes you stress and resentment (normal feelings after what you and your family have been through).
That would stress me out. Of course I'm introverted and not a phone person. Mandatory phone calls are a nightmare for me.
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Old 12-27-2014, 11:31 PM
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Ugh! I'm frustrated with myself for getting angry at him for doing something that I told him he should be doing all along!! What a miserable wretch I am!

I am mad when he isn't doing it, and then I am mad when he is. Good riddance to bad rubbish...I mean seriously...I AM ridiculous.

I think I need to pray for some grace here. I seem to be really lacking in that department. I am also hormonal and blah blah the list goes on.

Thank you all. I know he is doing his best. I should respect that.
The flip side ( because there ALWAYS is a flip side for me) is that he has made these "rules" while he is away ( like --don't tell sister, don't hang out with long lost friend, don't tell so and so...etc) that isolate me. It pisses me off that he is making friends, talking to people, and using the resources that are in front of him while he has virtually made it impossible for me to seek fellowship with others. I just keep hearing his verbal berating " your a this, your a that".....I think that is moreover MY problem however, and not his...I am the one letting that abusive BS rule my life.

Well enough of it for tonight. I am going to try to get some rest. Kids have me watching "teen wolf"......teenage drama is enough to bring MASSIVE tears to my eyes due to it's stupidity.
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Old 12-28-2014, 02:48 AM
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Hi freetosmile

Although mine was never in rehab I do get what you are saying about resentments in terms of other help that he received and also other help he absolutely refused to, and still does refuse to receive.

I went to and arranged many different appointments for him with a variety of people and after a point ended up thinking hang on a second where's my help with any of this and why doesn't he see it actually affects me and other people??

It was all talk about him, what he needs, what this specialist said (sometimes words that I had said and he had refused to listen to but then because someone with a title says it then it's gospel) which just made me even more resentful like once again NOTHING I say actually matters and is listened to.

On the loose contact I still have with him he is still completely unwilling to see or to listen to the pain he has caused me- in fact only last night I was told I have no idea of the pain I caused him (after a string of nasty words and insults).

I think resentment is almost normal, and to me it felt justified as it seems like everything is about the alcoholic and the other close people in their life who have massively struggled alongside them are kind of forgotten. I guess it's like others say that we have to focus on ourselves and do the work ourselves but I can sympathise with you that it is hard to do that and not feel like just saying "listen to me for a change- get where I'm at, I've had x amount of years listening to you it's my turn" kind of thing.

I know for me I wish mine would go to rehab and I could at least as others have said have some peace and maybe some hope that things would get better but sadly that's not going to happen, or any kind of programme at all so it seems.

I am resentful for all I have put into something and feel as if I have got nothing out, and not even the understanding of the pain it has caused me, but from what I know and from what I've read alcoholics are unfortunately very selfish and self absorbed and this is probably still the case in recovery and for how long I don't know as I have no experience in this.

I guess the best thing you could do is maybe build a network of people around you that you can talk to and try to focus on you and hopefully as you become happier the feelings of resentment will fade.

Sorry I can't be of more help and not sure what I said made sense but my main message was just that I get how you feel, resentment in these kind of situations will surely always come out in some way shape of form, you are not alone.
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Old 12-28-2014, 03:26 AM
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Listen to yourself....
His RULES? like he owns you?
Isolating you is not good, you should be able to make these decisions for yourself, who you visit, communicate, get support from.
He is the sick one, in rehab...a controlled protected environment. You are out in the real world, dealing with the kids, bills and the aftermath of the financial destruction he left for you.
I would be more than resentful, I would be livid, the hell with his *rules*, do you see how silly this is?. He is still trying to control YOU, but he can't control himself.

the last thing you need is to have contact with him on a daily basis. you need a break. You are not supposed to "tell anyone", WHY???? He is the one who is in rehab, not you.
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Old 12-28-2014, 05:40 AM
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Dear Free
Maybe some emotions are coming to the surface that you had to squash when he was using?
Could you look at it a little differently: you are much better off than he is right now, so an AlAnon meeting and therapy are all YOU need, but he has to have all this other stuff to get well?
Hang in there. Work your own program and keep coming back!
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Old 12-28-2014, 05:46 AM
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Free,

Screw his "rules"--you do whatever you need to do for your own well-being. If you are to stay in this relationship, he can't be telling you what to do all the time. I'd suggest that might be an issue you want to take this time to explore--maybe with a DV counselor. Because you are one tough lady, and if he succeeds in isolating you and continuing to beat down your spirit, then having him "sober" is not going to be much of an improvement.

Hugs,
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Old 12-28-2014, 05:57 AM
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freetosmile.....with all that you have been through---I think your anger feelings are very NORMAL, normal, normal..... At least--expected.

I don't think that you desire to take away from him....just that you want to have something for YOURSELF! I see that as being a more healthy response than to be a long-suffering martyr with no human desires for your own welfare.

Iv'e never had a mate in rehab...but, I've heard countless members, here, express that when they finally get a break (while spouse in rehab)....they finally have time to "feel" the emotions that they have been trying to stuff for a very l ong time. Guess what?--anger is one of the most common feelings that they report!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

freetosmile...I've just GOT to say this to you: I'll bet that you have no idea of how much negative "self talk" you do about yourself. Just in this one thread, alone---look at how badly you have labeled yourself....."miserable wretch"...."I AM ridiculous"...."lacking in grace"....."inherently wrong".....etc.....
I know that your husband constantly cuts you down (and, of course, you hate that)---but, look at how badly you describe yourself!!!

No doubt, you have carried negative "tapes" in your head as a result of bad treatment from an early age....not your fault---you were an innocent child, for pete's sake!

I just want to make you aware of this bashing that you do of yourself. Freetosmile--don't take up where they left off.

Words can be powerful...even the ones we say to ourselves.

I suggest that as a beginning baby step---try to consciously rephrase your statements about yourself when you find yourself doing this. Please?

You need to start becoming your own advocate. To begin to care for yourself with as much compassion as you have directed to others. You are just as deserving as any other human on this planet!!

I am going to keep my eye on you, freetosmile.....lol

end of lecture.

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Old 12-28-2014, 08:34 AM
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I agree with not needing to talk to him everyday. He actually calls in the afternoon AND the evening. So I get a double whammy.

My therapist is always saying "be gentle with yourself". And I am hearing it again on this thread. I guess when I re-read what I write, I am pretty hard on myself. Maybe that's where I need to start first.

I was *trying* to mediate the other day. I try to envision myself before God and feeling His grace....but it didn't work. My mind is so insanely logical that all I could envision was God sitting at a desk and me sitting in front of it. A DESK for crying out loud...but that's me. He was giving me a list (I love lists) of "how to get strength" because that is what I was praying for. The FIRST thing on the list and I swear I did not focus on the list...but the first thing on the list was "love yourself".
And here I am, hearing this again.

Indeed, this should be telling me something!

And about the "rules"....should I tell him I'm not following his stupid rules, or just not tell him anything about the rules and do what I want?
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Old 12-28-2014, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
Listen to yourself....
His RULES? like he owns you?
Isolating you is not good, you should be able to make these decisions for yourself, who you visit, communicate, get support from.
He is the sick one, in rehab...a controlled protected environment. You are out in the real world, dealing with the kids, bills and the aftermath of the financial destruction he left for you.
I would be more than resentful, I would be livid, the hell with his *rules*, do you see how silly this is?. He is still trying to control YOU, but he can't control himself.

the last thing you need is to have contact with him on a daily basis. you need a break. You are not supposed to "tell anyone", WHY???? He is the one who is in rehab, not you.
Well damn, Fandy, if people were to find out he is gone, they would all be swooping down to take me off to party! And of course, with as much of a blankidy blank blank blank I am...well I could sleep with the whole state of Nebraska in that time and be moving on in to the surrounding states!

It ridiculous, but that IS what he thinks.

I told his counselor there about his jealous, abusive, controlling BS...hopefully they tackle that because I have made up my mind that even if the drinking stops, I cannot take anymore of that behavior. (kind of sounds like I am though, even with him gone)
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Old 12-28-2014, 08:53 AM
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freetosmile...if you are through...then, you have every right to make that decision. That is your right as a person born with free will. And, there is no one in heaven or earth who has a right to judge you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I realize that this will be a new way of thinking for you...and, it might be a challenge for you. That is o.k. You have survived worse challenges than this.

freeto smile....There is a new sheriff in town!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 12-28-2014, 09:42 AM
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I think you should make it clear that you are not going to be "given" rules to live by,
and that he'd better learn to deal with it while he has a therapist to talk it through.

free, he obviously has many deeper issues about control and insecurity which may not be alcohol-related.
Unless these are addressed, your life with him may not improve or even get worse when he isn't drinking and all he has to "do" is control you.

I know you are thinking about this and I believe it needs to be put on the table because if he's going to pull that crap when he gets out, where will that leave you?
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Old 12-28-2014, 09:47 AM
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Hi there...
I remember that resentment. When mine went to a 90 day program I was left at home with the "real world". When things were really hitting the fan I wished i could be an addict so I could go contemplate my navel somewhere. My unmanageability peaked when I wondered what petty crime I could commit just to go to jail for a few days for peace and to be able to sit and read a book. Heck yeah I resented her.

Flash forward a few years and she's left yet again, not to rehab but left our relationship to "find herself" or "focus on her program" or whatever she told me, I can't recall. Sometimes I do feel resentful b/c she gets to go off and have her life and meanwhile I am back to being a single parent with all the responsibilities. Today I know that I can take care of myself and my needs, but not at the expense of my child. To do otherwise is bad parenting and I choose not to parent like that. Sometimes that anger creeps up that she has a lot more free time than I do, but I flip it around to the fact that I have a great kid and she is missing out on 99% of his life. All because she can't balance/prioritize her needs with someone else's. That's her choice, but I choose differently. Just because it is not how I'd like it to be, doesn't change reality.

I have realized though that resentments hurt me far worse than anyone else. In fact, my ex is so far up her own butt these days, it wouldn't occur to her how I might be feeling. And what little gets through she is so defensive about she can't take responsibility for anyway. So I can choose to continue my self-harming resentments, or change my perspective and drop expectations of incapable people.

When my ex went to rehab she too wanted to tell me not to talk to so-and-so (I thought she felt insecure b/c so-and-so had a crush on me). It probably had more to do with her secrets b/c she and so-and-so got high a lot more often together than I ever knew and so-and-so sold her pills on several occasions. After I found all that out I didn't want to talk to so-and-so anymore as my own decision. Anyway, no one has the right to tell me what I can or can't do. Just like I don't have the right to tell my qualifiers what to do either. They can request, but in the end I need to do what works for me. It doesn't sound like the isolation caused by his "requests" are helping your recovery.

To this day I still go to 3 meetings (at least) a week and recently added therapy. This is so I can learn to focus on ME rather than the shortcomings of others.
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