DesertEyes

Do you all think I should make this thread a sticky?

Mike

SaveYourHeart

Please do!

aliciagr

Its helpful to have someone explain how they had no clarity of the damage they had done to their partner/family when in the depths of using. It may clarify that while bad behavior, or an unhealthy relationship is something no one needs to tolerate - it may help people understand that this doesnt always happen because the other person has malicious intent. Its much more about the symptoms of this awful problem.

I also know the decision for a partner to stay or go is really confusing. But, it shouldnt be done with the expectation it will cause the other person to change, or find recovery. In this case it appears to, but if all it took was a spouse leaving, then things would be much easier, and we wouldnt see threads detailing how someone left but the ex is still hard at it years later. If you believe there is nothing a spouse can do to help. then a spouse leaving wont make any difference either. We have to do whats best for ourselves.

2ndhandrose

I vote YES!!!!!

honeypig

I say yes to the sticky idea.

To coco, I wish you continued sobriety, recovery, learning and growth. I hope you find peace and beauty going forward. And yes, thanks for posting this viewpoint to help us understand, as much as we are able to, what it's like in an alcoholic's shoes.

DesertEyes

Done stickied under "Classic Reading"

Mike

cocokramer

Wow! Does this mean I'm famous now? I always wanted to be an author!!!!!!!

I did stalk my ex on FB today and wanted to punch him in the face, but I went to an AA meeting instead!

LOL!!!!!!

Work in progress. Project still under construction.

mylifeismine

Coco, i don't know about "famous" author, but "powerful" yes.
Thank you for your original post and for coming back to update.
Congrats on your hard won sobriety and recovery and I hope
you have many more years of serenity ahead

cocokramer

Congrats on your hard won sobriety and recovery and I hope
you have many more years of serenity ahead [/QUOTE]

Thank you, mylife.

I hope that I can continue on this thread because it has been very therapeutic for me.

It feels great to be able to get all of this stuff out in public with valuable feedback.

I found an old email from my ex today in my pocketbook.

in AA we tall a lot about how we exhibit "alcoholic behaviors" even after our sobriety has taken hold.

I'm trying to see what those behaviors are in myself and how they impact my relationships now.

He says that I was always saying nasty things about his ex wife and family and that I had so much crap going through my head that he didn't want to deal with anymore.

When I look back, I was so jealous and threatened of anything or anyone who touched him.

I wanted him to exist only for me. But of course if he had I would have been displeased also.

I had such low self esteem and had so many resentments.

They say at AA that resentments are like drinking poison and hoping it kills someone else.

Resentments are the biggest threat to one's sobriety.

I lived, breathed and slept resentment and anger. My anger was so huge that it swallowed me up.

Every time that I screamed at him I felt like it was going to release that anger but it just built it up and fed it.

I also had no filter. If it entered my mind it came out of my mouth. No ability to censor my thought or to think about my thoughts. I felt like I had the right to say anything I wanted no matter how it would make him feel.

In fact, I didn't really care how it made him feel. I wanted to throw all of my hurt his way.

I had absolutely no empathy and didn't think that my words could hurt him because I was so small that I couldn't imagine that my anger could have an impact on anyone.

I still have some resentment about some of the things he did but I have to remind myself that I only have power over my side of the street.

His side of the street is his responsibility and I have no control over his expression, emotions or growth.

I need to clean up my side of the street and be accountable for my actions.

It is so easy to blame my disease and the alcohol. It is so easy to deny responsibility. Sometimes the ideas of drinking and going back to that place is appealing to me still. I can do whatever I want with no consequences because I am cloaked in the virtue of being an alcoholic.

aliciagr

Is it ok if I ask you some questions? Not meaning to pry but interested in the relationship dynamics as Im trying to work things through with my own husband and it would be nice to get a viewpoint from the other side.

It sounds like you are still angry with your ex. Is it because he left? Or because of the way he treated you while you were still drinking, or beginning recovery? or just general pain over how it didnt work out.
Were you drinking when the two of you got together?

Also curious at what stage he separated, and if you two ever tried anything like family therapy or marriage counseling before or during the separation? My husband and I have been doing this is why I was wondering.

If you dont want to answer its ok. I dont want to bring up painful memories for you. Im really happy you are doing well, and I hope life keeps getting better and better.

cocokramer

Hi alicia,

No. This helps me so much to be here.

when my drinking started to get really bad he told me that he was going to move on with his own life and basically could move forward with him or be left behind.

he distanced himself and I continued to drink and got worse because my alcohol would never leave me and he might.

I remember being so in pain at this time and I think that I wanted him to hurt like I was.

in retrospect, I believe that he had an affair during this time. Sleeping in the guest room and leaving his ring on the bedside table because his "hands were swollen from the heat".

I basically didn't care. I was getting drink 'in secret' from first thing in the morning until I would pass out on the couch on a Saturday at noonish.

I couldn't do anything with him because I was so drunk and sick.

he was living without a partner and I didn't have the energy to care.

We went to Napa for a vacation ( now who brings an alcoholic to nappa, I ask you? He didn't want me to be an alcoholics but he didn't want me to stop drinking either). He wanted me to be able to drink like he could and I couldn't and cant.

I was so sick in Napa and drunk all the time. I spoiled the whole vacation and when we got back he told me that I needed to go to rehab.

We sat and he researched places and we made the plans for my rehab.

at this point he was having an affair that I didn't know about until after he left me.

I know that he just wanted intimacy and I was incapable but I struggle with this still.

I went to rehab and when I was being admitted, he brought his phone in (Although it was against the rules) and was texting her the whole time as she was very sympathetic to him (of course....).

When I came home from rehab I was physically better but needed to focus on me so I really wasn't available in the relationship then either.

I couldn't work on marital problems while I was still in such a confused state. It takes a while for our brains to heal. At least 2 years.

after about 85 days he met me at the door after work and told me he wanted a divorce.

the conversation and him saying that still kills me.

He left. Then I got drunk and raged for a year.

he wouldn't go to counseling with me.

at that point he was just sick of the whole thing and didn't want to live a sober life with me. I didn't even know the first thing about living a sober life.

I know about how beautiful sobriety is now. I wouldn't love my life any other way and by the grace of god I won't ever have to.

don't know if I've answered all of your questions but I will say that it is extremely difficult. I think, to get and be sober and go through the process while you're on a relationship.

I miss him much of the time and wish I'd had or could have the opportunity to show him how different o am right now but that is not in the cards at this moment in time.

please feel free to ask anything.

this is painful but the pain, I have found, is worth going through.

my best to you and your husband.

cocokramer

You have to remember that none of this is about you. It truly isn't your fault or responsibility to make anyone get better.

My alcoholism was about me period.

aliciagr

Thank you for sharing Coco. ahhh infidelity. It does sound like your ex went looking for comfort. Not something that I approve of while still in a marriage, but everyone is different and we end up having to answer to our own personal value system. My husband cheated when he was in the depths of drinking and using drugs. I wont call it an affair because I dont think there was anything emotional about it in his case. Not that it makes the images any better when I think about it. I totally get your pain over experiencing that and it must have caused a lot of emotions, and since you said there was a self esteem issue - Im sure it didnt help. My husbands cheating didnt help me in that regard even though I know it was never about me. It simply hurts.

Ive had to do a lot of thinking about myself, my own beliefs, values, my self speak and identity. Its maybe the first time in my adult life where Ive given myself time to think about who I am, what I need, and explore what I want my future to look like. It sounds like maybe you are doing that same thing in your life?

Ive forgiven my husband for everything that happened. I think we were fortunate because he was able to get into counseling, and they recommended we do family therapy at the same time. Its been about a year now since he stopped. I think we've both grown a lot. We are not currently living together (for a couple of months now). We did all the counseling and were doing well, and then I found out about the cheating. Long story but it threw me, and he pretty much had an emotional breakdown at that point. It feels good now most of the time. A lot like Ive got my best friend back and now we just need to keep doing the footwork and rebuilding the trust between us again.

There are a lot of guides and support when it comes to working individually on these things, but not much support available when it comes to figuring out how to work together and get through a lot of the damage that was caused during the crazy times. Ive heard some say people in recovery shouldnt work on marriage issues for at least a year, but people have to get on with life. Hold down jobs where they need cognitive function, take care of their kids, pay their bills. But everyone is different, and emotions play a big role in it all too.

I can see why you stalked the ex FB and felt like punching him. Its likely you are better off without him especially if he couldnt deal with your sobriety. I can understand his wanting you to be a normal drinker. There is some acceptance about how things will change on the family side - if substances have played a big role in the relationship. But if he wasnt willing to make that adjustment then Id say either he has a problem with alcohol, or he wasnt worthy of you to begin with. Geesh what if you had found out you were diabetic and couldnt eat chocolate with him? Your next vaca might have been to Hershey PA. lol

cocokramer

Geesh what if you had found out you were diabetic and couldnt eat chocolate with him? Your next vaca might have been to Hershey PA. lol[/QUOTE]

Heheh! That made me laugh!

Yes. Working on myself. What were supposed to do in mid life where I'm at.

Sounds like your H is willing to take strides.

your post helped me.

So true that we can't put real.life on hold.

His leaving actually gave me the ability to kind of do that for a while. That and the kindness and understanding given me at the workplace where I was able to take some desperately needed time to myself.

I have a lot to be grateful for.

I hope to see updates on your sitch.

I wish you the very best with what is a most difficult situation.

((((((Hugs)))))))

HoldOnLoosely

It meant a lot to read your post, Coco. I appreciate your honesty and humility.

Way to go on your sobriety and wonderful recovery. I hope everything continues to go well for you.

Mags1

Hi Coco. I wish you well in your sobriety.

Your experiences are honest and heartwarming.

There's never any telling who or how we turn into a alcoholic. My dad was one, nicest man when sober but after drinking, he was evil. Mum used to say he was Jekyll and Hyde.

So you'd think it would put me off alcohol but no! I embraced it, stupidly for many years. Though I hated myself , I couldn't and quite frankly, didn't want to stop. I couldn't imagine life without booze! How bad it had got.

I did stop though, when my husband left and I realised what a mess I was, how I hated myself for what I'd become. We did reconcile and I'm sober, him leaving was like a tank of water being thrown over me and waking up all of a sudden. What had happened to me? Who was I ? I didn't like the person I was, I loathed me.

So sobriety was my saviour. I had to work on myself , I think as all us recovering alcoholics do.

I got my life back, I'm a better person, I actually like life.

Thanks for your story.

cocokramer

Oh mags,

Thank you so much. I didn't wake up that quickly.

But I'm so much happier now than I ever was before.

Sobriety is the biggest gift we give ourselves, isn't it?

Posting here has been so cathartic.

I almost feel like I've made some sort of amends to my husband.

It's so hard when you're an alcoholic to know what is yours and what is the other persons. So many times when I may have had justifiable feelings about anything they were twisted by my horrible behavior. I had no credibility because I was so irrational.

I'm so glad that you found your sobriety and we're able to make it back to the person you were meant to be.

I'm also glad to have found someone who shares a bit if my own story.

I really appreciate your sharing.

aliciagr

Thanks Coco. I truly appreciate the honesty in which you have posted about your own feelings and experiences. Not very many people in recovery come to this forum and do this. As part of my healing, its been very important to hear my husband recount his experience/feelings. Its given me a lot of peace, and I think also took away anger and left me with more compassion that I had originally.

I had to go back to things you posted above because it is very helpful to me. Actually coincides with things my husband has shared about his feelings. He was not really having fun when he was drinking and using. He was in a lot of pain, felt miserable most of the time, had low self esteem. He has said that he didnt think I cared what he said because he felt small and less than most of the people in his life. There was a lot of negativity, but he felt trapped in the cycle and couldnt see a way out.

Very much the same as what you have shared.

Also, apart from your husbands affair which I personally dont approve of.. you brought in some of his feelings, and what he was going through.
He had a right to end the marriage if it wasnt working for him. Its a tough call that a lot of people here face, not knowing if or when recovery may happen. I hope that he takes some time and looks at his own coping skills, and examines the way he handled the situation.

I am not proud of some of my own behavior. I was angry, hurt and let it be known in a variety of ways. I also took some risks that I shouldnt have allowed myself to take.. But all I can do know is learn from my mistakes, strengthen myself, and keep moving forward. Hopefully I will end up being a better version of me.

best to you. thanks again for sharing.

NYCDoglvr

Thank you so much for the update. Practicing gratitude (as you're doing) makes a huge difference in recovery. We're all pulling for you!!!

cocokramer

Thank you NYCdoglover.

From an upstate NY cat lover!