What Kind of Healthy Stuff Are You Doing?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
I eventually made the decision to just nix my facebook account, for me, it was very freeing and I found I did not miss it nearly as much as I thought I would. Good luck on making a decision that works for you and always keep in mind that the people you want to hear from can very easily send you those pics and updates via email should they desire to keep in touch with you that way.
I recently made the decision to stay more guarded and detached from one of my very lovely sis-in-laws as I realized I am very triggered by her. I initially tried to analyze the poop out of the situation..all those why's, what is it about it,, etcs.... It simply could be a multitude of things, but what I came to see is that it really doesn't even matter, the most important thing is for me to not get enmeshed in "helping" her because it's HER road, not mine and it helps neither of us in the end and in fact has only harmed our relationship. When she tells her tales of woe I will do my best by simply being an active listener without judgement or advise. When she advises me, I need to take it for what it is,well intended advise from someone on the outside looking in, not privy to the whole story, nor very well read on alcoholism (just as I am not fully privy to her whole story in the reverse). It is simply a perspective from someone who is extremely codependent and that I can understand and use as my manner of relating to her in a sense without labeling her further or steering her on my path so to speak. I had the opportunity to practice this already, and wow did it feel good to send a simple reply of "i'm not sure how she feels, but I see no harm in asking her" when the discussion was on involving her in something that might be too soon for her to deal with. It is not in my power nor should be part of my decision making process to question when she is or isn't ready for anything. I can absolutely care about her not being hurt, however I cannot walk n eggshells trying to guess at what will or won't hurt her I can only ask and go from there, or stay away from getting involved at all should I feel like I am trying to control the outcome.
I am once again getting back into my workouts. I have this pattern of allowing my sadness to rule me from Oct through Dec that I need to work harder through. In the background it's dredging up the deaths of my parents and I believe it's bringing up old resentments as well of my AH not having been supportive and the eventual discovery of his secret life. I was painted in a very bad light through this and to this day I feel as though no one fully understood the scope of what I was going through and no one cared to ask they just judged. The truth is, I didn't allow anyone to at that point, I was living in my own self determined bubble to handle it all on my own because no one gave a damn anyway and would hurt me more if I even gave them a chance to...yeah, no, it doesn't work that way (mega codie period for me). I get that now. I have opened up to one person fully, a safe person who listens and understands and allows me to vent my anger and frustration AND even better, turns it into laughter by sharing his anger and frustrations. We've been a bff pair from my early twenties, he knows the full story and has always been there for me. The hp's have a way of bringing things to light, and my oh my if this was a predestined friendship it certainly is one of the luckiest moments in my life. We talk once a week for at least an hour on the phone, sometimes 2 and I always feel better afterwards. What I've realized during this Oct-Dec sad fest/ pity party is that I tend to blow him off for little reasons (I'm cleaning house right now, so I don't answer the phone and tell myself I'll call him back and don't call back, OR I'm driving somewhere and "forget" to call him back...truth is I don't forget, I simply think of something else to do when I get home so as not to have time to call back). I get it now, I am choosing the pity party over coping more effectively. I am purposely moving through this acceptance of what I am doing now and stepping towards dealing rather than dwelling. I can be sad, it's normal to be sad. I can be angry, it's normal to be angry. What I must purposely do is express it, accept it, and continue to move forward learning that my own acknowledgement of those feelings is enough to allow me to let go of the pain and anger. I took a deep breathe and answered his phone call last week when I initially wanted to just blow it off and glory be, I felt the tightness in my chest ease up and we had a good laugh. Funny thing is he was having an awful time of it and spent nearly 2 hours just venting himself silly and we ended it with me sharing what works for me, him sharing that that doesn't work for him, and we both cracked up about how incredibly different we are from one another but somehow we always get each other and accept it, and feel better just venting it all out and going back to our lives a lil bit better for having safely released our troubles.
I write a lot to myself, I've found I don't even need to share much of it. It helps me see what I need to continue working on, simply indicated by what I may revisit in my writing. On that note I cannot count the number of posts I've written replies to here and not posted. My reason, right or wrong, has always been because I feel judged (my perception). The naysayers who flood the board with the leave your active A spouse, you will never find serenity and peace living with him. I get that, I truly do, it's hard to be here in my shoes and I think many people could not do it. My situation is not unique, or not because I can handle it better, but rather a complex, slowly evolving situation that just happens to work right now (my perception). I do not have a real marriage anymore. My AH is like most alcoholics, he's done and continues to do some really crappy things because he's an A. There is no physical abuse and the emotional abuse has remarkably eased simply by not internalizing anything he says (including, the I love you's). This simply would not work for a majority of A's as many are so abusive that it's not possible to fully disengage (they follow, they insist on a reaction) and remove yourself from a harmful situation physically or emotionally. I cannot say my AH is unique, just that he tends to be sullen, dwelling on his faults more so than my own, just the fact that I have disengaged tends to sway him within his own hula hoop and staying out of mine. I think there are many A's like him, just few that we hear about because they tend to slide into the abyss of that quiet drunk that no one ever knew he was an A. The spouses who chose to stay, tend to be that quiet wife who seemed content and no one ever guessed she had an A spouse. Does he say potentially hurtful things, you bet, however I hear it as a reflection on him now and his struggles and when something does get to me, I take it as a clue to what I need to work on. If my gut reaction is to be hurt, rather than angry, I know it's because there is an insecurity I need to work on. If my gut reaction is to be angry I go back to that anger and re-evaluate my expectations of this alcoholic and whether or not it is within my ability to live with him being an alcoholic who deflects and doesn't see what is fair and reasonable. We've both changed. He sees me having disengaged and is far less likely to hurl insults and deflect, and actually makes more of an effort to become involved. He has even gotten more involved with his own family as I have stepped out of his way and encourage him to do so by not picking up the slack and taking care of what he should be doing with them. I no longer call his Mom or take care of gifting etc...or fill her in on how he is doing. When asked I re-direct anyone to talk to him.
I think on some level my feeling judged here is that I may be in denial and what I perceive as a comfortable level of acceptance and coping has brought me peace and serenity in a really messed up situation is not real and that it may be more harmful than helpful. That is my gut reaction that I am following. That is probably what I should share more than my perception of success in my own recovery. I will try to post more often on these feelings, my first act will be actually posting this rather than deleting it after I've finished. Thank you Seek for this thread! It came at a good time for me!
I recently made the decision to stay more guarded and detached from one of my very lovely sis-in-laws as I realized I am very triggered by her. I initially tried to analyze the poop out of the situation..all those why's, what is it about it,, etcs.... It simply could be a multitude of things, but what I came to see is that it really doesn't even matter, the most important thing is for me to not get enmeshed in "helping" her because it's HER road, not mine and it helps neither of us in the end and in fact has only harmed our relationship. When she tells her tales of woe I will do my best by simply being an active listener without judgement or advise. When she advises me, I need to take it for what it is,well intended advise from someone on the outside looking in, not privy to the whole story, nor very well read on alcoholism (just as I am not fully privy to her whole story in the reverse). It is simply a perspective from someone who is extremely codependent and that I can understand and use as my manner of relating to her in a sense without labeling her further or steering her on my path so to speak. I had the opportunity to practice this already, and wow did it feel good to send a simple reply of "i'm not sure how she feels, but I see no harm in asking her" when the discussion was on involving her in something that might be too soon for her to deal with. It is not in my power nor should be part of my decision making process to question when she is or isn't ready for anything. I can absolutely care about her not being hurt, however I cannot walk n eggshells trying to guess at what will or won't hurt her I can only ask and go from there, or stay away from getting involved at all should I feel like I am trying to control the outcome.
I am once again getting back into my workouts. I have this pattern of allowing my sadness to rule me from Oct through Dec that I need to work harder through. In the background it's dredging up the deaths of my parents and I believe it's bringing up old resentments as well of my AH not having been supportive and the eventual discovery of his secret life. I was painted in a very bad light through this and to this day I feel as though no one fully understood the scope of what I was going through and no one cared to ask they just judged. The truth is, I didn't allow anyone to at that point, I was living in my own self determined bubble to handle it all on my own because no one gave a damn anyway and would hurt me more if I even gave them a chance to...yeah, no, it doesn't work that way (mega codie period for me). I get that now. I have opened up to one person fully, a safe person who listens and understands and allows me to vent my anger and frustration AND even better, turns it into laughter by sharing his anger and frustrations. We've been a bff pair from my early twenties, he knows the full story and has always been there for me. The hp's have a way of bringing things to light, and my oh my if this was a predestined friendship it certainly is one of the luckiest moments in my life. We talk once a week for at least an hour on the phone, sometimes 2 and I always feel better afterwards. What I've realized during this Oct-Dec sad fest/ pity party is that I tend to blow him off for little reasons (I'm cleaning house right now, so I don't answer the phone and tell myself I'll call him back and don't call back, OR I'm driving somewhere and "forget" to call him back...truth is I don't forget, I simply think of something else to do when I get home so as not to have time to call back). I get it now, I am choosing the pity party over coping more effectively. I am purposely moving through this acceptance of what I am doing now and stepping towards dealing rather than dwelling. I can be sad, it's normal to be sad. I can be angry, it's normal to be angry. What I must purposely do is express it, accept it, and continue to move forward learning that my own acknowledgement of those feelings is enough to allow me to let go of the pain and anger. I took a deep breathe and answered his phone call last week when I initially wanted to just blow it off and glory be, I felt the tightness in my chest ease up and we had a good laugh. Funny thing is he was having an awful time of it and spent nearly 2 hours just venting himself silly and we ended it with me sharing what works for me, him sharing that that doesn't work for him, and we both cracked up about how incredibly different we are from one another but somehow we always get each other and accept it, and feel better just venting it all out and going back to our lives a lil bit better for having safely released our troubles.
I write a lot to myself, I've found I don't even need to share much of it. It helps me see what I need to continue working on, simply indicated by what I may revisit in my writing. On that note I cannot count the number of posts I've written replies to here and not posted. My reason, right or wrong, has always been because I feel judged (my perception). The naysayers who flood the board with the leave your active A spouse, you will never find serenity and peace living with him. I get that, I truly do, it's hard to be here in my shoes and I think many people could not do it. My situation is not unique, or not because I can handle it better, but rather a complex, slowly evolving situation that just happens to work right now (my perception). I do not have a real marriage anymore. My AH is like most alcoholics, he's done and continues to do some really crappy things because he's an A. There is no physical abuse and the emotional abuse has remarkably eased simply by not internalizing anything he says (including, the I love you's). This simply would not work for a majority of A's as many are so abusive that it's not possible to fully disengage (they follow, they insist on a reaction) and remove yourself from a harmful situation physically or emotionally. I cannot say my AH is unique, just that he tends to be sullen, dwelling on his faults more so than my own, just the fact that I have disengaged tends to sway him within his own hula hoop and staying out of mine. I think there are many A's like him, just few that we hear about because they tend to slide into the abyss of that quiet drunk that no one ever knew he was an A. The spouses who chose to stay, tend to be that quiet wife who seemed content and no one ever guessed she had an A spouse. Does he say potentially hurtful things, you bet, however I hear it as a reflection on him now and his struggles and when something does get to me, I take it as a clue to what I need to work on. If my gut reaction is to be hurt, rather than angry, I know it's because there is an insecurity I need to work on. If my gut reaction is to be angry I go back to that anger and re-evaluate my expectations of this alcoholic and whether or not it is within my ability to live with him being an alcoholic who deflects and doesn't see what is fair and reasonable. We've both changed. He sees me having disengaged and is far less likely to hurl insults and deflect, and actually makes more of an effort to become involved. He has even gotten more involved with his own family as I have stepped out of his way and encourage him to do so by not picking up the slack and taking care of what he should be doing with them. I no longer call his Mom or take care of gifting etc...or fill her in on how he is doing. When asked I re-direct anyone to talk to him.
I think on some level my feeling judged here is that I may be in denial and what I perceive as a comfortable level of acceptance and coping has brought me peace and serenity in a really messed up situation is not real and that it may be more harmful than helpful. That is my gut reaction that I am following. That is probably what I should share more than my perception of success in my own recovery. I will try to post more often on these feelings, my first act will be actually posting this rather than deleting it after I've finished. Thank you Seek for this thread! It came at a good time for me!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Wow. Awesome responses. I love reading about how people are taking good care of themselves.
In the middle of the night, when worry takes over, I pray (simply the "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," it just puts me in automatic-pilot prayer mode instead of worry mode). If I can, I also try to think of remodeling design details (sometimes this is easier than others).
I had a night full of worry/dreams and woke up with anxiety about "the future." Said a prayer for my grandson- will take good care of myself today. I am working with various essential oils to heal my core wounds and I find them very helpful. Massage also helps calm me down and I need that right now.
It's raining - which I love - maybe will listen to some YouTube vids . . .
I realize that I spend a lot of time recovering from traumas around the alcoholic. I saw him yesterday and kind of beat myself up for breaking out in tears and not being as positive as I would have wanted to be. I did some Ho'Oponopono, which really helps me.
Thank you
In the middle of the night, when worry takes over, I pray (simply the "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," it just puts me in automatic-pilot prayer mode instead of worry mode). If I can, I also try to think of remodeling design details (sometimes this is easier than others).
I had a night full of worry/dreams and woke up with anxiety about "the future." Said a prayer for my grandson- will take good care of myself today. I am working with various essential oils to heal my core wounds and I find them very helpful. Massage also helps calm me down and I need that right now.
It's raining - which I love - maybe will listen to some YouTube vids . . .
I realize that I spend a lot of time recovering from traumas around the alcoholic. I saw him yesterday and kind of beat myself up for breaking out in tears and not being as positive as I would have wanted to be. I did some Ho'Oponopono, which really helps me.
Thank you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
On the Facebook dilemma - I don't get his newsfeed, but I'm in the "habit" of checking family member pages, daily. I am a detective, so when he posts, I can read a lot into it and there have been some absolutely tragic and frightening posts . . . this is what is called a "bottom line behavior" for me. I should not go to his page, but because Facebook is such a happy place for me, I can't seem to control myself. The alternative is to let go of Facebook all-together, which is problematic for me, as I am already isolated and it provides virtual support that I love and that has enriched my life.
If I vow to not go on his page for days, weeks, months, I can just imagine myself reviewing everything at some point. Avoiding his page feels like denial to me, but going to his page, an addiction of sorts. Ugh.
If I vow to not go on his page for days, weeks, months, I can just imagine myself reviewing everything at some point. Avoiding his page feels like denial to me, but going to his page, an addiction of sorts. Ugh.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Woke up anxious this morning, as I noted above. Proceeded with my day. Listened to some priest on YouTube talk about alcoholism and families and really got some great information about compassion.
Called my grandson at Detox and made amends to him for being negative yesterday - that really lifted a weight off my shoulders. It is not up to me to judge him or what his plans are. I do it out of fear and my idea that I know what is best for him. It is his life and I want to support him in getting sober and that means loving him, no matter what. I can still think critically, but his life is not my problem to figure out.
Had a nice dinner and got a massage this evening. Feeling better.
Called my grandson at Detox and made amends to him for being negative yesterday - that really lifted a weight off my shoulders. It is not up to me to judge him or what his plans are. I do it out of fear and my idea that I know what is best for him. It is his life and I want to support him in getting sober and that means loving him, no matter what. I can still think critically, but his life is not my problem to figure out.
Had a nice dinner and got a massage this evening. Feeling better.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I block the people I don't need to see on FB. My mother, mother's enabling ex, and my sister are on that list. Also one or two exes from long ago, though I'm sure that by this point the exes aren't really on my mind at all and I could unblock them. It's whatever.
I forgot to mention my therapy and Al-Anon meetings. I can't attend meetings if my husband is gone because we don't have childcare, but I try to attend online or by phone as much as possible. Especially on days when things are rough and I need the reminder that I didn't cause, cannot control, and cannot cure any person in my life who has addiction or other mental health problems. My therapist is a godsend. He really understands the complexities of being an ACoA. Seeing him is like visiting my best friend every week. Without those two things, I don't think I'd be where I am today. I don't try to manipulate or control people nearly as much add I used to. I understand that everyone has their Higher Power, and that I am not it. Now if I could just get my brain to shut off at night, I'll be set. Freaking out at 2am about finances isn't productive.
I forgot to mention my therapy and Al-Anon meetings. I can't attend meetings if my husband is gone because we don't have childcare, but I try to attend online or by phone as much as possible. Especially on days when things are rough and I need the reminder that I didn't cause, cannot control, and cannot cure any person in my life who has addiction or other mental health problems. My therapist is a godsend. He really understands the complexities of being an ACoA. Seeing him is like visiting my best friend every week. Without those two things, I don't think I'd be where I am today. I don't try to manipulate or control people nearly as much add I used to. I understand that everyone has their Higher Power, and that I am not it. Now if I could just get my brain to shut off at night, I'll be set. Freaking out at 2am about finances isn't productive.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by seek 
In the middle of the night, when worry takes over, I pray (simply the "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," it just puts me in automatic-pilot prayer mode instead of worry mode).
I've been going on very long dog walks :-) and I have deleted my ex on Fbook which has really helped. Living in dread of the tantrum when he finds out though :-/
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by seek
On the Facebook dilemma - I don't get his newsfeed, but I'm in the "habit" of checking family member pages, daily. I am a detective, so when he posts, I can read a lot into it and there have been some absolutely tragic and frightening posts . . . this is what is called a "bottom line behavior" for me. I should not go to his page, but because Facebook is such a happy place for me, I can't seem to control myself. The alternative is to let go of Facebook all-together, which is problematic for me, as I am already isolated and it provides virtual support that I love and that has enriched my life. If I vow to not go on his page for days, weeks, months, I can just imagine myself reviewing everything at some point. Avoiding his page feels like denial to me, but going to his page, an addiction of sorts. Ugh.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I just wanted to comment on this part:
Remember that while you have to be a member to post on the board, you don't have to be a member to read it. If you look at all posts, the "view" statistic is vastly bigger than the response statistic for every post. So it doesn't mean people don't care. (That's also important to remember when you post something and get very few responses despite seeing many views -- it's not that people don't care, it's more likely that the people viewing your post aren't members and therefore can't either thank you or reply.)
I created this post several hours ago, more than 66 people have looked at it and only one person responded (the others didn't even "like" it) . . .what does that tell you about support for actually trying to be healthy?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I think never being on Facebook etc is healthy. LOL.
I have yet to hear of one program that is for people that are having issues not being on a social media site. Yet I am starting to hear more and more about people needing help to get off them.
I must be one of the 3 people in the world, not on them. People look at me like an alien when they ask me for my Facebook name and I say I don't have one. They actually think I must be trying to hide something......lol.
I have yet to hear of one program that is for people that are having issues not being on a social media site. Yet I am starting to hear more and more about people needing help to get off them.
I must be one of the 3 people in the world, not on them. People look at me like an alien when they ask me for my Facebook name and I say I don't have one. They actually think I must be trying to hide something......lol.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 230
Originally Posted by lillamy
I just wanted to comment on this part:
Remember that while you have to be a member to post on the board, you don't have to be a member to read it. If you look at all posts, the "view" statistic is vastly bigger than the response statistic for every post. So it doesn't mean people don't care. (That's also important to remember when you post something and get very few responses despite seeing many views -- it's not that people don't care, it's more likely that the people viewing your post aren't members and therefore can't either thank you or reply.)
Remember that while you have to be a member to post on the board, you don't have to be a member to read it. If you look at all posts, the "view" statistic is vastly bigger than the response statistic for every post. So it doesn't mean people don't care. (That's also important to remember when you post something and get very few responses despite seeing many views -- it's not that people don't care, it's more likely that the people viewing your post aren't members and therefore can't either thank you or reply.)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
I got off facebook permanently almost a yr ago- huge relief. I have been enjoying tv shows I dvr by myself some nights and relaxing at home I am signing up for private tennis lessions When friends invite me out, and i dont feel like going - I go Anyway 30% of the time lol---and it is always great! I get manicures and have a spa day now and then I love doing at home projects in my apt and listening to music I work out with a personal trainer who I love to talk to as well Read good books that are self improvement, business, or otherwise happy Call my parents often Go to dinner with my girlfriends and plan mini vacations ahead of time to have things to look forward to
All of these things keep me occupied and from mostly dwelling:-) thanks for this thread. Liked reading.
All of these things keep me occupied and from mostly dwelling:-) thanks for this thread. Liked reading.
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