courage2

There's a person who tries to extinguish the present, out of fear for the future and remorse about the past. --That's the active alcoholic/addict's way out. I always remember I'm just a drink away from being that person again.

Or, there's a person who embraces life while it's happening, who looks to create the best future possible, and who tries to learn from and appreciate the past. -- In my experience, for an alcoholic/addict to become this kind of person requires more than just abstinence, it requires sober support and daily effort.

If you're struggling, I assure you, real change is possible. It's a daily choice to try to live right, and the first step is the choice not to drink. You can do it!

Dee74

I try to do this

ps I have no plans to die tomorrow

Great post Courage

D

SoberComposer

I want to feel how I did when I was drinking, sober. I remember feeling so happy, confident and sure of myself when I drank. I am slowly working my there now but have a lot of infrastructure to build and things to learn about basic life things. Like dating.. I always gave my heart way too soon, like a fantasy, I changed things that I loved because this person loving me filled a void. That is not fair to them or me. I want to fill my own void. I want to be free and enjoy life's simple pleasures

Great Post!

Dee74

Thanks interesting SC because I *never* felt genuinely happy confident or sure of myself when I was drinking...it was fake chemical BS, and I knew it.

It's a totally different happiness confidence and surety I have now...but I trust it implicitly.

Like I say...interesting...

D

SoberComposer

It may be because before I quit drinking, the last time i remember being genuinely happy was when I was like 8. So when I was drinking, especially in the beginning, that stuff felt real. I think, I ultimately came to where I am now and could quit because I began keeping a journal and I couldn't drink in ignorance anymore. The journal reflected the reality that all of my problems were a result of my drinking. After that, drinking was not a game to be flirted with.. though I still drank, I tried to control it with all my power. I failed each Friday night though and the controlling sucked. So the only option was quitting or die slowly as my life increasing became worse, losing all things to live for. So scary in those depths.

It's just crazy that when in the struggle of addiction my reality became so distorted that my perception of bad seemed good and good seemed fake. It was like, whatever made me feel good, was good.

But yeah, the first 3/4ths of my addiction was a total illusion as my personal life fell apart.

Dee74

Yeah it wasn't a value judgement
I genuinely find peoples various interpretations interesting

I'm glad you're on a good road now SC

D

courage2

Dee & SC -- your back-n-forth gives me a thought -- I'd like to be the kind of person who isn't always wondering which of my memories reflect reality and what happened that I can't remember, who isn't always wondering how much that I think is experience is really alcohol-induced illusion. I'd like to get to trust myself a little more.

Really really sorry about that typo in my thread title. I thought I fixed it, but I guess not. Blush.

Dee74

Can;t change the title for some reason, sorry

One of the joys of recovery for me was learning to trust my gut again. Like SC I was not happy after early childhood and I was buffeted this way and that by fear and self loathing,

I never knew how much I missed that surety and self reliance.

D

SoberComposer

Thanks Dee! I definitely didn't take it that way though . I thought explaining it thoroughly may help-out other eyes that came across this great thread!

Besides Dee, you are so awesome and have earned my thorough respect. If you had a problem with something I write, it would mean I need to examine myself. Gotta make sure I am centered and people like you, and so many here, are all my North Stars

SoberComposer

Deeveloping a relationship with myself was a totally unexpected aspect of quitting but it has been thing best thing that has ever happened to me. I am slowly becoming a rock, instead of a shadow.

Soberpotamus

I guess I find myself vacillating between being fearful and choked about the future, and acting courageously. I force myself to do things sometimes, and yet I still curl up in my bed wanting to hide away from it all.

I want to be a person who eventually matures out, and becomes consistent.

I want to follow through. Get the book written, grad school, the cabin in the woods.

EndGameNYC

In terms of happiness, I peaked at age twelve. It was my best year. I started drinking about a year later, and then believed I'd found real happiness. I got sober at a young age, and it took several years for me to learn that what I thought was true happiness was nothing but a mirage; a childish fantasy. And then I had to learn it all over again.

There's something to be said for appreciating life as it is after going through -- putting myself through -- sheer hell. Disgust, despair and disillusionment. I guess that's why I lost my obsession to drink.

I've heard it said in AA that prayer isn't for people who don't want to go to hell; it's for people who don't want to go back.

Fly N Buy

Nice thread C2!

It might be cliché, but I really like the thought today is a gift and is therefore called the present...

Many times you might agree, others notice change in us before we do. Perhaps you posted something regarding this not so long ago - I seem to recall. Regardless, it is true.

Change is indeed possible - several months ago I would not have thought this to be reality
For me I think it's gradual, but then at times there's a spurt / snowball effect - I have a sense of " who is this guy!??" Not saying there isn't much work to do, but now I look forward to the challenge of positive, real change and do not dread another day of being an arse to myself and fellows!


FlyN

SoberD

Interesting - my happiness seemed to peak around 15-16 - despite being a teenager and the angst that it can bring, I was very much at peace. Incidentally, this was right before my drinking career commenced...

Fly N Buy

bumped

Soberwolf

I try and strive to be the best person i can be

least

"My goal in life is to be the person that my dog thinks I am."