So Sorry You Guys, But I Relapsed Back to Husband and Feeling VERY Anxious
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Husband has been sober for 5 days now, and we have enjoyed our previous 5 days together. I let him know how nice life is when he not drinking. His behavior in the last 5 days shows that he has a choice how he is going to exist in this world. He has not even been angry, but has rather stayed calm and collected when he has gotten a little frustrated. Tomorrow we will be going to an AA meeting together. I am looking forward to enjoying my Thanksgiving with my family and husband alcohol free.
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Maybe it would be a good idea to go to separate AA meetings. Give it some thought. You are very wrapped up in what he's doing (and SparkleKitty's right--smoking pot instead of drinking doesn't equal sobriety), and I get the feeling he isn't serious about getting sober--he is treating this like it's a game.
YOU, on the other hand, have a real shot at reclaiming your life. You WANT to be sober. One of the things they say around the rooms in AA is "stick with the winners." When you're newly sober, you need role models around you who have what you want. If you are sitting in meetings with him, you aren't going to be in as much position to take in what you need to take in for your own recovery. Instead, I suspect you will find yourself making little mental notes about what HE should be listening to and shooting little corner-of-the-eye glances at him to see what his reactions are to what is being said.
Give it some thought. You would benefit from surrounding yourself with good, strong, sober women at those meetings instead of sitting there with someone who doesn't seem to want to be there.
YOU, on the other hand, have a real shot at reclaiming your life. You WANT to be sober. One of the things they say around the rooms in AA is "stick with the winners." When you're newly sober, you need role models around you who have what you want. If you are sitting in meetings with him, you aren't going to be in as much position to take in what you need to take in for your own recovery. Instead, I suspect you will find yourself making little mental notes about what HE should be listening to and shooting little corner-of-the-eye glances at him to see what his reactions are to what is being said.
Give it some thought. You would benefit from surrounding yourself with good, strong, sober women at those meetings instead of sitting there with someone who doesn't seem to want to be there.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
JB, I think you know that smoking weed instead of drinking does not add up to sobriety. Pot dulls emotion and pushes off dealing with reality as well.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Maybe it would be a good idea to go to separate AA meetings. Give it some thought. You are very wrapped up in what he's doing (and SparkleKitty's right--smoking pot instead of drinking doesn't equal sobriety), and I get the feeling he isn't serious about getting sober--he is treating this like it's a game.
YOU, on the other hand, have a real shot at reclaiming your life. You WANT to be sober. One of the things they say around the rooms in AA is "stick with the winners." When you're newly sober, you need role models around you who have what you want. If you are sitting in meetings with him, you aren't going to be in as much position to take in what you need to take in for your own recovery. Instead, I suspect you will find yourself making little mental notes about what HE should be listening to and shooting little corner-of-the-eye glances at him to see what his reactions are to what is being said.
Give it some thought. You would benefit from surrounding yourself with good, strong, sober women at those meetings instead of sitting there with someone who doesn't seem to want to be there.
YOU, on the other hand, have a real shot at reclaiming your life. You WANT to be sober. One of the things they say around the rooms in AA is "stick with the winners." When you're newly sober, you need role models around you who have what you want. If you are sitting in meetings with him, you aren't going to be in as much position to take in what you need to take in for your own recovery. Instead, I suspect you will find yourself making little mental notes about what HE should be listening to and shooting little corner-of-the-eye glances at him to see what his reactions are to what is being said.
Give it some thought. You would benefit from surrounding yourself with good, strong, sober women at those meetings instead of sitting there with someone who doesn't seem to want to be there.
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Thanksgiving went okay tonight with no problems. But I think I am battling a lot of emotions because (1) I am still under 30 days sober and was around some drinking and discussions of drinking (mostly just wine though, but it was still there), and (2) I am still getting over what happened to my husband and I 6 days ago, as it was very depressing. Although he has been sober and was sober tonight and on good behavior, I still need to heal from everything, so I am beginning to feel a bit depressed.
I can say that it is a relief that my husband is not drinking because I don't think I could take any more at this time. But I do feel that it is important for me to embrace the depression that I am feeling and not act like it is not there because it is there. And I believe that I need to be forgiving of myself at this time because I am not feeling well. For example, I just felt "off" tonight at the Thanksgiving dinner socially because of everything that has happened. It is going to take time for me to heal.
I can say that it is a relief that my husband is not drinking because I don't think I could take any more at this time. But I do feel that it is important for me to embrace the depression that I am feeling and not act like it is not there because it is there. And I believe that I need to be forgiving of myself at this time because I am not feeling well. For example, I just felt "off" tonight at the Thanksgiving dinner socially because of everything that has happened. It is going to take time for me to heal.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
Thanksgiving went okay tonight with no problems. But I think I am battling a lot of emotions because (1) I am still under 30 days sober and was around some drinking and discussions of drinking (mostly just wine though, but it was still there), and (2) I am still getting over what happened to my husband and I 6 days ago, as it was very depressing. Although he has been sober and was sober tonight and on good behavior, I still need to heal from everything, so I am beginning to feel a bit depressed.
I can say that it is a relief that my husband is not drinking because I don't think I could take any more at this time. But I do feel that it is important for me to embrace the depression that I am feeling and not act like it is not there because it is there. And I believe that I need to be forgiving of myself at this time because I am not feeling well. For example, I just felt "off" tonight at the Thanksgiving dinner socially because of everything that has happened. It is going to take time for me to heal.
I can say that it is a relief that my husband is not drinking because I don't think I could take any more at this time. But I do feel that it is important for me to embrace the depression that I am feeling and not act like it is not there because it is there. And I believe that I need to be forgiving of myself at this time because I am not feeling well. For example, I just felt "off" tonight at the Thanksgiving dinner socially because of everything that has happened. It is going to take time for me to heal.
This might seem inconsequential, but it is actually significant: how you choose to interpret events. You mention, "I am still getting over what happened to my husband and I 6 days ago, as it was very depressing." I understand what you mean. However, nothing "happened" to your husband. He WILLINGLY CHOSE abuse and threats. When we try to downplay a significant event or our feelings or someone's direct role in abuse, we trick ourselves into believing what we want to believe rather than what is reality.
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exactly. this wasnt an accident, he ultimately chose to drink and continue to abuse you.
just as he choses to smoke pot DAILY and not seek help for his other issues.
you seem to be ok with this and view it as the lesser of 2 evils which is your choice of course, but your depression and anxiety that you feel tells you this not happiness and peace of mind.
you're still the bahysitter.
just as he choses to smoke pot DAILY and not seek help for his other issues.
you seem to be ok with this and view it as the lesser of 2 evils which is your choice of course, but your depression and anxiety that you feel tells you this not happiness and peace of mind.
you're still the bahysitter.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Justbreathe,
I agree with you that I would much rather be with a man that is high on THC than on alcohol. If you ask a police officer which user he would rather interact with he always want to arrest the stoner over the drunk.
Its a drug and it mellows you out. Makes you sleepy and chill. The smoker is medicated and under the influence. It is not recovery and or learning how to deal with unresolved issues that lead to destructive and abusive behaviors.
My point is... think about the long term future. The two of you might want to think about and talk about the definition of authentic recovery is. What substances are allowable and which are not in your relationship. Obviously the entire recovery community believes addicts of any type cannot switch addictions and be successful long term.
Have you established boundaries of any kind for yourself? Have you envisioned your life as you want it to be in 1, 3 and 5 years? Have you shared that vision with this man to see if he is on the same page?
A great way to begin this dialogue with someone is with a personal counselor well versed in addiction, codependency and relationships. If you have someone to talk with about these subjects you can figure out what you want to set as goals for your future and then start walking them out. Perhaps your A will be willing to also counsel (separately) with your counselor and real progress can be made to work on cores issues. Most counselors will not talk to a partner if they are still getting high on anything...its a waste of time and money.
If things go really well at some point your counselor will determine you are ready for joint counseling. With as many obstacles as you are facing with anger management and current active addiction it is a very dicey situation right now. That I why you are feeling uncertain...because it is uncertain! Heck ...life is always uncertain but with active addiction the odds go up astronomically!
YOu are doing great because you continue to think things through. Time is your friend and more will be revealed. It helps when we are not surprised at the outcomes because we can be prepared! Do you have backup plans? A bug out plan?
Prayers and best wishes. Keep talking!
I agree with you that I would much rather be with a man that is high on THC than on alcohol. If you ask a police officer which user he would rather interact with he always want to arrest the stoner over the drunk.
Its a drug and it mellows you out. Makes you sleepy and chill. The smoker is medicated and under the influence. It is not recovery and or learning how to deal with unresolved issues that lead to destructive and abusive behaviors.
My point is... think about the long term future. The two of you might want to think about and talk about the definition of authentic recovery is. What substances are allowable and which are not in your relationship. Obviously the entire recovery community believes addicts of any type cannot switch addictions and be successful long term.
Have you established boundaries of any kind for yourself? Have you envisioned your life as you want it to be in 1, 3 and 5 years? Have you shared that vision with this man to see if he is on the same page?
A great way to begin this dialogue with someone is with a personal counselor well versed in addiction, codependency and relationships. If you have someone to talk with about these subjects you can figure out what you want to set as goals for your future and then start walking them out. Perhaps your A will be willing to also counsel (separately) with your counselor and real progress can be made to work on cores issues. Most counselors will not talk to a partner if they are still getting high on anything...its a waste of time and money.
If things go really well at some point your counselor will determine you are ready for joint counseling. With as many obstacles as you are facing with anger management and current active addiction it is a very dicey situation right now. That I why you are feeling uncertain...because it is uncertain! Heck ...life is always uncertain but with active addiction the odds go up astronomically!
YOu are doing great because you continue to think things through. Time is your friend and more will be revealed. It helps when we are not surprised at the outcomes because we can be prepared! Do you have backup plans? A bug out plan?
Prayers and best wishes. Keep talking!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The pot may mellow him out for now, but the fact is that most alcoholics who go on the "marijuana maintenance program" DO go back to drinking.
I'm glad he isn't violent right now, but you do need to consider that pot-smoking is not a long-term solution. IOW, don't be lulled that your worries are over because he's now smoking pot.
I'm not surprised you are feeling depressed. Being abused has that effect, and depression is also common in early sobriety. Keep talking to your counselor about your feelings. Listen to them. Feelings aren't facts, but they can be your subconscious telling you something you need to pay attention to.
I'm glad you had a peaceful Thanksgiving.
Hugs,
I'm glad he isn't violent right now, but you do need to consider that pot-smoking is not a long-term solution. IOW, don't be lulled that your worries are over because he's now smoking pot.
I'm not surprised you are feeling depressed. Being abused has that effect, and depression is also common in early sobriety. Keep talking to your counselor about your feelings. Listen to them. Feelings aren't facts, but they can be your subconscious telling you something you need to pay attention to.
I'm glad you had a peaceful Thanksgiving.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by LexieCat
The pot may mellow him out for now, but the fact is that most alcoholics who go on the "marijuana maintenance program" DO go back to drinking.
I'm glad he isn't violent right now, but you do need to consider that pot-smoking is not a long-term solution. IOW, don't be lulled that your worries are over because he's now smoking pot.
Hugs,
I'm glad he isn't violent right now, but you do need to consider that pot-smoking is not a long-term solution. IOW, don't be lulled that your worries are over because he's now smoking pot.
Hugs,
Here we are decades later and marijuana is being decriminalized, legalized and still glorified by many because it is not as harmful as alcohol and the war on drugs has been a colossal failure. A political decision that may see more people accept marijuana use as normal as alcohol use in a social sense.
However, for the addictive person marijuana is a trap and temporary fix for what is a complex physical and spiritual problem... smoking for them is like putting a cap on a volcano while the root problems continue to fester down inside that person.
We are a drugged society and the future is trending more acceptance in that area while the Big Pharma, the Legal and Illegal Drug Industry (marijuana has the distinction of being in both depending on geography!) and the Recovery Industry continue to reap obscene profits on those who struggle with addiction.
This makes me wonder what the future is when marijuana starts being prescribed for addicts on a regular basis....it is disturbing but I would not be surprised. There is so much disinformation and ignorance on recovery by so many with prescription pads.
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Yes, I agree as a recovering addict that marijuana is only a temporary fix, and that "true" recovery avoids all mind altering substances. My husband is not willing, however, to give up marijuana at this time, and I am not willing to leave him because he is not being abusive at the time. If he was still drinking alcohol, however, I don't think I could take that anymore and most likely would leave. My husband is not willing at the time to do any counseling, have a sponsor, or work the AA steps. All he is willing to do is go WITH ME to AA meetings on his off days from work. I am probably depressed because I know that this routine may not end well, and (2) because I am in early sobriety.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I'm really glad you had a peaceful holiday.
Wishing you the best. It certainly doesn't
sound like an easy path you've chosen here.
Take good care of your sobriety--that's the foundation
for a positive outcome for you no matter whether he chooses recovery or not.
Wishing you the best. It certainly doesn't
sound like an easy path you've chosen here.
Take good care of your sobriety--that's the foundation
for a positive outcome for you no matter whether he chooses recovery or not.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I really must say that you have tenacity. I do think you know what you are going through, and perhaps you are trying to think of solutions to things in your head at the same time. I know I wasn't able to leave until my questions were answered. In a way my questions were answered, the answer was there was no answer, but I needed to do it on my timeline, so that I could make the best decision possible for me, and know that I wouldn't go back.
So I won't tell you what to do, I am just so in awe of your persistence, and not isolating. You will get what you want, you will get your dream, I see that in you. Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with us.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
So I won't tell you what to do, I am just so in awe of your persistence, and not isolating. You will get what you want, you will get your dream, I see that in you. Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with us.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Thank you for your posts. Everything has been going well today, but my husband and I did just have a minor disagreement about something. But that is what it stayed at - a disagreement, and we have moved on from it and somewhat compromised. If he had been drinking on Friday around this time like he is used to, he would have become belligerent over the disagreement and it would not have ended well. That is just it. Without alcohol, my life is manageable with my husband. With alcohol, my life is unmanageable (which just so happens to be one of the steps in both AA and Al-Anon). It is this awareness that I am developing that will most likely help me make the decision to leave if he chooses to drink again.
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