Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change: CRAFT for Families
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Sorry I had to end the post so I could go back and re read and answer more 
Are you in therapy at all? Both H and I go privately and then together every three weeks. It gives me a chance to speak freely and then to come together to work on our issues
There is a lot of hope! And not just for your spouse but also for you! We're starting our seventh month sober and while it can be hard, it is the most worthwhile thing we've done - him get sober and both of us get healthy!
Feel free to post on our About Us thread or PM anyone
Are you in therapy at all? Both H and I go privately and then together every three weeks. It gives me a chance to speak freely and then to come together to work on our issues
There is a lot of hope! And not just for your spouse but also for you! We're starting our seventh month sober and while it can be hard, it is the most worthwhile thing we've done - him get sober and both of us get healthy!
Feel free to post on our About Us thread or PM anyone
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I do most of my learning and work over at the Smart Recovery website and forums. You might find it helpful to browse threads and stickys there, get ideas for your situation. Its helped me.
I will go and look at some of your posts here because Im not sure of your exact situation. Some things sound simple, but with my husband Ive found simple drink choices can offer an alternative. Like watching a movie at home and maybe making up smoothie drinks. we have a great friend and we would go out with him and he purposely suggested a great coffee bar where we could sit and talk. we got the same socialization and had fun, but it broke a pattern of meeting somewhere where alcohol was served. so, would he choose to alter his pattern? I need to read more about your details to see where your all at.
I will go and look at some of your posts here because Im not sure of your exact situation. Some things sound simple, but with my husband Ive found simple drink choices can offer an alternative. Like watching a movie at home and maybe making up smoothie drinks. we have a great friend and we would go out with him and he purposely suggested a great coffee bar where we could sit and talk. we got the same socialization and had fun, but it broke a pattern of meeting somewhere where alcohol was served. so, would he choose to alter his pattern? I need to read more about your details to see where your all at.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by BlueChair 
This concept I LOVE:
CRAFT treats the problems families face as a deficit of skills rather than as a disease of codependency. These SKILLS can be learned.
Oh Yeah !!
CRAFT treats the problems families face as a deficit of skills rather than as a disease of codependency. These SKILLS can be learned.
Oh Yeah !!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by PinkCloudsCharley
the term codependency has always made me feel uneasy. When you are in a non-addict relationship, it's called being kind and caring. When one is an addict, suddenly you are "enabling" and "codependent". I stopped doing laundry for H, one of the jobs I have actually always enjoyed doing, because I thought I was being codependent. What did he think? That I didn't love him anymore, that I was abandoning him. why was it ok when he wasn't drinking (or drinking too much) and suddenly not ok now? If it messed with his mind, it was messing with mine more! things that were loving and caring before were enabling now.
I have always had problems with the term "codependency" too. It has never made any sense to me, and I really appreciate what you said about how being "kind and caring" suddenly gets labeled "codependency" when it becomes part of an addiction relationship. And "enabling" too, a criticism for something that is actually loving and caring.
Thank you for posting that.
This is a good thread.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Originally Posted by PinkCloudsCharley
I have never done a book review online before, is there a certain format? Or do we just chime in with our thoughts, observations and what we find helpful? I was especially moved by the Words of Encouragement at the end of the intro: You can help Helping yourself helps Your loved one isn't crazy The world isn't black and white Labels do more harm than good Different people need different options Treatment isn't the be-all and end-all Ambivalence is normal People can be helped at any time Life is a series of experiments Things you can change: How comfortable you are right now How optimistic you are in general What behaviours you encourage How much you argue How often you smile How much you sleep How strong you feel Your habitual reactions Your tone of voice What you pay attention to Your point of view The atmosphere in your home How isolated you feel How you deal with stress How much you worry Your heart rate How you spend money How you express concern What substances you use How you help How you get help What kind of help you get The first thing you do when you wake up in the morning Whether anything good happens today How much you enjoy life. I can already see how much this book is going to help me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 1
What Craft doesn't address
I'd been using CRAFT, and things seemed better... but then the relapse.
My son had been using Facebook to sell expired drugs to other children. He went on a bender with DXM to evade drug testing. He has mastered the narcissistic skills of lying and gaslighting women, and his social workers and psychologists are women, and when we went to them with this new information, they said the missing piece was that we needed to be in group, but they don't have one for us yet....
Thank GOD his day-to-day counselor is male and an ex-addict and didn't buy the "abusive parents taking away his computer because he didn't do a good job in the garden" story. However - the drug treatment program he is in (and it is excellent) - has barely begun, and he is about to get thrown out. They cannot have children who deal drugs to other children. They won't help someone who doesn't want help. And my son cannot make up his mind whether he is willing to get help or not.
I live in a house where we have to put locks on doors, and then safety glass on those same doors, as he was caught using tools to remove the locks to get into the room where his asthma medications are held, and where we keep money and credit cards. Our purses and wallets have to be guarded, or he will simply take what he wants. We have had to take away his computer, his cell phone, hack and shut down his social media accounts because it is not a matter of if the drug dogs are coming to my house, it is a matter of when. My son still cannot make up his mind.
And now - at 17 - a very young 17 - I need to make plans to send my son away. His father doesn't really want him, but I cannot live like this anymore. My heart is breaking. I have taken so much time off work that my business is failing. I live in fear of the next theft, that he might kill someone else's kid, that he will mix the right combination of drugs and simply drop dead. And I have been saying this to his drug counselors, white-lady-college-liberal syndrome all (by the way, I am a white college liberal) - and they seem to think I have munchausen syndrome, even after I dropped a case of confiscated and dangerous drugs found in his room on their desk.
I live in Italy. His father lives in California. When he goes, I may never see him again. I cannot afford to fly home, his father... well - his father abandoned us in the first place. His father has a new family. His father has always refused the heavy lifting. His father lives in the Heroin and Speed capital of California, and my son already knows the drug dealers in his father's town - because the last time my son was there, his father did not supervise him.
My son was the apple of my eye. Sweet, kind, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful. I am watching him die before my very eyes... I look into his blue eyes, and I see a lizard staring out at me. My child, whom I failed because I was never strict, never unreasonable, never spanked, always explained....... he accuses me of being abusive, a bitch, a tyrant, crazy.
My heart is broken. I am out of optimism. I cannot reach him. I probably have to send him away. I cannot just watch him die.
My son had been using Facebook to sell expired drugs to other children. He went on a bender with DXM to evade drug testing. He has mastered the narcissistic skills of lying and gaslighting women, and his social workers and psychologists are women, and when we went to them with this new information, they said the missing piece was that we needed to be in group, but they don't have one for us yet....
Thank GOD his day-to-day counselor is male and an ex-addict and didn't buy the "abusive parents taking away his computer because he didn't do a good job in the garden" story. However - the drug treatment program he is in (and it is excellent) - has barely begun, and he is about to get thrown out. They cannot have children who deal drugs to other children. They won't help someone who doesn't want help. And my son cannot make up his mind whether he is willing to get help or not.
I live in a house where we have to put locks on doors, and then safety glass on those same doors, as he was caught using tools to remove the locks to get into the room where his asthma medications are held, and where we keep money and credit cards. Our purses and wallets have to be guarded, or he will simply take what he wants. We have had to take away his computer, his cell phone, hack and shut down his social media accounts because it is not a matter of if the drug dogs are coming to my house, it is a matter of when. My son still cannot make up his mind.
And now - at 17 - a very young 17 - I need to make plans to send my son away. His father doesn't really want him, but I cannot live like this anymore. My heart is breaking. I have taken so much time off work that my business is failing. I live in fear of the next theft, that he might kill someone else's kid, that he will mix the right combination of drugs and simply drop dead. And I have been saying this to his drug counselors, white-lady-college-liberal syndrome all (by the way, I am a white college liberal) - and they seem to think I have munchausen syndrome, even after I dropped a case of confiscated and dangerous drugs found in his room on their desk.
I live in Italy. His father lives in California. When he goes, I may never see him again. I cannot afford to fly home, his father... well - his father abandoned us in the first place. His father has a new family. His father has always refused the heavy lifting. His father lives in the Heroin and Speed capital of California, and my son already knows the drug dealers in his father's town - because the last time my son was there, his father did not supervise him.
My son was the apple of my eye. Sweet, kind, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful. I am watching him die before my very eyes... I look into his blue eyes, and I see a lizard staring out at me. My child, whom I failed because I was never strict, never unreasonable, never spanked, always explained....... he accuses me of being abusive, a bitch, a tyrant, crazy.
My heart is broken. I am out of optimism. I cannot reach him. I probably have to send him away. I cannot just watch him die.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello ShaunMarie,
It breaks my heart to read about all that you have been through with your son. There are many parents who have never been anything but loving and calm...and they have children who still have problems including addiction--a mental disorder.
I hope that someday your son finds his path. I hope that you will come to believe you are not a heartless tyrant for protecting yourself from your son. I hope you will stick around SR. You are among people who truly do understand.
It breaks my heart to read about all that you have been through with your son. There are many parents who have never been anything but loving and calm...and they have children who still have problems including addiction--a mental disorder.
I hope that someday your son finds his path. I hope that you will come to believe you are not a heartless tyrant for protecting yourself from your son. I hope you will stick around SR. You are among people who truly do understand.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 5
I just ordered this book - I think it will help me alot.
Alanon was not for me - I was shocked the first time I went to a meeting at how old and "out of date" the literature was. Nothing they gave me was updated or created since the 60's. I have been lurking on this site for awhile, and I wish I had come across this sooner!
I too have not found any of the old wisdom - "rock bottom" "enable" etc. helpful.
Thank you so much for posting this!
Alanon was not for me - I was shocked the first time I went to a meeting at how old and "out of date" the literature was. Nothing they gave me was updated or created since the 60's. I have been lurking on this site for awhile, and I wish I had come across this sooner!
I too have not found any of the old wisdom - "rock bottom" "enable" etc. helpful.
Thank you so much for posting this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 48
I agree with last post about Alanon- hard to believe how the stay for firmly with all old material!! SO GLAD I have all of you here - SO HONEST AND HELPFUL.
Has anyone been to another type of group - maybe SMART recovery? I do not have one close by.
Has anyone been to another type of group - maybe SMART recovery? I do not have one close by.
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