Coming back to life
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Awesome advice you were given four! So true, you get to decide if and when you are ready to forgive someone...even your mother.
Also, what Amy said about detaching. I've had to do the same thing. "Love from afar."
I am also not surprised you didn't run to crack city. You are in a totally different place now at 7 months!
You are amazing four!
Also, what Amy said about detaching. I've had to do the same thing. "Love from afar."
I am also not surprised you didn't run to crack city. You are in a totally different place now at 7 months!
You are amazing four!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
The bottom has dropped out and I'm in a hole of loneliness. It started, slowly, after I got to work this morning, I began attaching to being pissed of and then judgement against others and wound up all fricken alone in my thoughts and feeling sorry for myself.
So I just got back from my lunch time AA MEETING ... and I wasn't magically cured as often happens. But I will remain steadfast and weather the storm. This too shall pass. I don't and won't have to use over this. Thank goodness I know that: this would be 100 times worse if I went back out...
I've been doing good things and making progress (without perfection). So this is a non-perfection-feeling moment. I know how to hang on through the dark times (I'm telling myself that), so I won't get too excited. I haven't said anything stupid or mean to anyone today so thank god for that; no additional drama. It's all in my mind.
So I've attached to fear and self doubt. I'll let me sit in this. I will practice breathing through it. I will have to do a little bit of this alone. Alone, because only I can walk through this thing I've created. But that's not to say I won't ask for help and receive help but after receiving the helping hands I'm still bound back to being just me. My body, my thoughts, my breath.
I can open my heart and search my willingness to let the god spirit in though. But I have to do that part on my own at some point. I have to let go. I have to surrender, and re-surrender. I have to accept myself and my place in this universe.
So just talking out loud. Trying to work through this. Writing it down with hope that someone will see the obvious and give me a clue. Yesterday I felt very good and also did good work in therapy and went to 3 meetings plus my regular work day but today it seems all for naught.
But I'm so thankful that I'm not thinking about or wanting to use.
I just ate an apple. Now I'm gonna get an ice cream!
So I just got back from my lunch time AA MEETING ... and I wasn't magically cured as often happens. But I will remain steadfast and weather the storm. This too shall pass. I don't and won't have to use over this. Thank goodness I know that: this would be 100 times worse if I went back out...
I've been doing good things and making progress (without perfection). So this is a non-perfection-feeling moment. I know how to hang on through the dark times (I'm telling myself that), so I won't get too excited. I haven't said anything stupid or mean to anyone today so thank god for that; no additional drama. It's all in my mind.
So I've attached to fear and self doubt. I'll let me sit in this. I will practice breathing through it. I will have to do a little bit of this alone. Alone, because only I can walk through this thing I've created. But that's not to say I won't ask for help and receive help but after receiving the helping hands I'm still bound back to being just me. My body, my thoughts, my breath.
I can open my heart and search my willingness to let the god spirit in though. But I have to do that part on my own at some point. I have to let go. I have to surrender, and re-surrender. I have to accept myself and my place in this universe.
So just talking out loud. Trying to work through this. Writing it down with hope that someone will see the obvious and give me a clue. Yesterday I felt very good and also did good work in therapy and went to 3 meetings plus my regular work day but today it seems all for naught.
But I'm so thankful that I'm not thinking about or wanting to use.
I just ate an apple. Now I'm gonna get an ice cream!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Four - I call the bad day(s) "the funks" and agree with Dee, they do pass. I don't always know what causes them, but I do know they don't last forever.
I'm not surprised the thought of using wasn't even a a thought. You've worked hard to have that "option" no longer an option.
You are a true inspiration and I'm glad you post about the good and bad days. When I was new to recovery, I thought I wasn't supposed to have any bad days if I was really working my recovery. It was a huge relief to read of others with solid recovery had bad days, too.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm not surprised the thought of using wasn't even a a thought. You've worked hard to have that "option" no longer an option.
You are a true inspiration and I'm glad you post about the good and bad days. When I was new to recovery, I thought I wasn't supposed to have any bad days if I was really working my recovery. It was a huge relief to read of others with solid recovery had bad days, too.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
The fourth of July is over. thank goodness (in my case) as for some reason I do not like that holiday...it is my least favorite. yesterday I went to a sober picnic and heard an open talk and ate too much and then went home around 4pm. I didn't go back out. I watched a movie and smoked cigarettes in my livingroom in my chair all alone. I don't like all the fireworks being lit and what not.
But I made it through. No hangover, no using, and no stupid behavior. I'm thankful for that but i wake up and find myself feeling very alone. My wife is alone in her house and life and I am alone in my house and my life. She sugested we don't see eachother for 6 months and it's now been about a month since we last communicated. With that going on I'm a little restless. Looking around and wanting, wanting, wanting.
I'll get moving and head to a meeting now and give this new day a chance....i'll pray and try to open my heart to love and higher power and heloping others. I'll make this last day of my vacation a good one. And I'll continue living clean and sober and put crack city a little further away.
Happy Sober Sunday
But I made it through. No hangover, no using, and no stupid behavior. I'm thankful for that but i wake up and find myself feeling very alone. My wife is alone in her house and life and I am alone in my house and my life. She sugested we don't see eachother for 6 months and it's now been about a month since we last communicated. With that going on I'm a little restless. Looking around and wanting, wanting, wanting.
I'll get moving and head to a meeting now and give this new day a chance....i'll pray and try to open my heart to love and higher power and heloping others. I'll make this last day of my vacation a good one. And I'll continue living clean and sober and put crack city a little further away.
Happy Sober Sunday
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
keep fighting the good fight Four! life on life's terms heh? proud of you. you're an inspiration. my son is back in the world again - working, present for his daughter, clean! we don't talk about his recovery, it's better that way...
but recovery looks, and sounds, like recovery and i am grateful. your honesty here has helped me immensely in understanding my son's struggle and i thank you.
sending good thoughts and wishing you much joy!
but recovery looks, and sounds, like recovery and i am grateful. your honesty here has helped me immensely in understanding my son's struggle and i thank you.
sending good thoughts and wishing you much joy!
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Thanks lovenjoy and glad for the good news of your sons sobriety
This morning I'm a little reflective as its my 8th month clean and sober today. I've been working through self doubt and fear and loneliness for the last several weeks and re-surfacing after each bout. I've kinda leveled off after the mania I experienced from getting off all antidepressant medication and I'm not spending money as if I have an endless supply.
And I am experiencing a slow change as my marriage deteriorates and what looks like a divorce in the future. Now that I'm living alone and not spending money on anything I want to get it do, I have less things to distract me from the loneliness and fear.
So I've been attending lots of meetings, sometimes three and four a day. I'm actively working on homework assignments from my sponsor, and I continue to make breakthroughs in my individual therapy.
Today I feel pretty good but that will pass! Up and down I continue on in sobriety. Today i am meeting with my sponsor: we went back a few steps and I completed a sex inventory last night as outlined in the big book. My sponsor had his own unique way for me to do the writing part. Last night, after finishing, I saw the selfish ways I have brought to every relationship I've ever had and it was ugly to see.
So now I will talk with him and do the fifth step part. But I'm understanding now that the fifth will be more than just sharing this dirt from my past, but it will also include a resolution to change. I can feel resistance to that as I want to find a one night stand and have all those good things....and fantasy of a new relationship and infatuation with love.
But to do that would only bring pain. To me and to the other. Not at first but Ultimately it would. I almost don't want to do this with my sponsor. I don't want to give up the fantasies of love/sex that I've been attaching to (especially with the absence of my wife which gives me justification).
But I will go forward with this of course and I will try to succeed in changing.
And no matter what I will not use or drink today and I will have a helping attitude to all who are trying to make a new life of sobriety.
This morning I'm a little reflective as its my 8th month clean and sober today. I've been working through self doubt and fear and loneliness for the last several weeks and re-surfacing after each bout. I've kinda leveled off after the mania I experienced from getting off all antidepressant medication and I'm not spending money as if I have an endless supply.
And I am experiencing a slow change as my marriage deteriorates and what looks like a divorce in the future. Now that I'm living alone and not spending money on anything I want to get it do, I have less things to distract me from the loneliness and fear.
So I've been attending lots of meetings, sometimes three and four a day. I'm actively working on homework assignments from my sponsor, and I continue to make breakthroughs in my individual therapy.
Today I feel pretty good but that will pass! Up and down I continue on in sobriety. Today i am meeting with my sponsor: we went back a few steps and I completed a sex inventory last night as outlined in the big book. My sponsor had his own unique way for me to do the writing part. Last night, after finishing, I saw the selfish ways I have brought to every relationship I've ever had and it was ugly to see.
So now I will talk with him and do the fifth step part. But I'm understanding now that the fifth will be more than just sharing this dirt from my past, but it will also include a resolution to change. I can feel resistance to that as I want to find a one night stand and have all those good things....and fantasy of a new relationship and infatuation with love.
But to do that would only bring pain. To me and to the other. Not at first but Ultimately it would. I almost don't want to do this with my sponsor. I don't want to give up the fantasies of love/sex that I've been attaching to (especially with the absence of my wife which gives me justification).
But I will go forward with this of course and I will try to succeed in changing.
And no matter what I will not use or drink today and I will have a helping attitude to all who are trying to make a new life of sobriety.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
"Now you can stop pulling your past forward."
Today, I noticed more fully that I submitted my life into the hands of two people who are helping to put me in a better direction. One of them I pay money and the other is my sponsor.
As I drove back to work I was beaming with joy after thinking about yesterday with my sponsor. He told me: "Now you can stop pulling your past forward." Yesterday we did the last part of the fifth step; after nearly a month of constant work on the 10th step. And now I feel the lightness of having accomplished the 5th step work that promises a great lifting of the soul and the gentle confidence of working through this day with the tools of the 10th step that I've been practicing. The mindfulness practice of the 10th step can now be fully grooved into my day!
Thank you to my sponsor, my hero. I'm so grateful for you every time I breath at times. Thank you for freely giving me your help and care.
As I drove back to work I was beaming with joy after thinking about yesterday with my sponsor. He told me: "Now you can stop pulling your past forward." Yesterday we did the last part of the fifth step; after nearly a month of constant work on the 10th step. And now I feel the lightness of having accomplished the 5th step work that promises a great lifting of the soul and the gentle confidence of working through this day with the tools of the 10th step that I've been practicing. The mindfulness practice of the 10th step can now be fully grooved into my day!
Thank you to my sponsor, my hero. I'm so grateful for you every time I breath at times. Thank you for freely giving me your help and care.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 598
(((Four)))!!!! Didn't have time to read through the whole thread but so happy to see you are still doing well. I am so proud of you - and the inspiration you have become to others. You are amazing.....and I hope you can see that 
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
After a nice time last night I woke into fear and self doubt. I went to a meeting it helped and now back home.
My mind is having a field day with its old habits of hating me. It's got me cornered and nothing is comfortable. I want to run away and especially from my feelings. This has brought me being alone in the universe, right now, and I feel scared and desperate.
Well I got two full hours to face where I'm at before leaving to watch my daughters softball game.
I'm gonna start with a meditation. A silent meditation then a guided meditation. I'm gonna try to go to my inner self and see what's in there.
My mind is having a field day with its old habits of hating me. It's got me cornered and nothing is comfortable. I want to run away and especially from my feelings. This has brought me being alone in the universe, right now, and I feel scared and desperate.
Well I got two full hours to face where I'm at before leaving to watch my daughters softball game.
I'm gonna start with a meditation. A silent meditation then a guided meditation. I'm gonna try to go to my inner self and see what's in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
My inner thoughts have settled down as the second game of the double header is getting to the end.
The world was falling apart but now it's ok. Have to ride out those lows. What gets me through is hope and listening to the suggestion of this too shall pass.
Hope you have a nice sober Friday night
The world was falling apart but now it's ok. Have to ride out those lows. What gets me through is hope and listening to the suggestion of this too shall pass.
Hope you have a nice sober Friday night
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hi Four!
Giving you a big smile and hello!
Have you ever thought about maybe volunteering to work with animals? They can bring you lots of love and joy! I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have my pet chickens to care for! Or to have them depend on me for so many things! Including giving them lots of love!
Just a suggestion to help you get out of the low times!
TOD
Giving you a big smile and hello!
Have you ever thought about maybe volunteering to work with animals? They can bring you lots of love and joy! I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have my pet chickens to care for! Or to have them depend on me for so many things! Including giving them lots of love!
Just a suggestion to help you get out of the low times!
TOD
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 114
This was one of the best posts I have ever read, powerful, open, honest, inspirational, saddening and hopeful at the same time. Just plain awesome, thanks for sharing your journey four, took me some time to get through it all but it was more than worth it, I wish you all the best in your new life!
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