Wife got a DUI with my 7yo son in the car

Old 04-29-2015, 11:04 PM
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Hi SC, it's very bad luck that your STBXW is acting this way. Who does it help? But your attitude of detaching and being a bit clinical about her is very healthy because it helps you see it as her personality, and not to take it personally. It's hard to achieve this mindset, but great if you can get there.
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:47 AM
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This is actually my first time in this section as I usually post in the Newcomer to recovery section. I read pretty much everything from your first post to the last page on here and honestly I take a lot from you on how I should be a better dad to my kids. I'm the alcoholic in my marriage I admire your fight and how you've handled all the things thrown at you. A very incredible story!

I really hope things work out for you as you're an inspiration!

Originally Posted by ScubaDad View Post
Hi all,

I am back in the house with the kids tonight. We went out to a Japanese steak house, they love that stuff. The kids are doing great. I love being with them. With the crazy visitation schedule (2nd, 4th and 5th weekend after the first Thursday weekend) I will not get to spend the night with them for two entire weeks. That sucks. But we will be that much closer to the 50/50 split time in the summer. That will be great.

My STBXW is really stepping up her fight game right now. I have been working on really detaching from her and not engaging with her when she wants to fight via texts/emails. It is amazing to watch her come unglued and start trying to argue over anything. When she doesn't get her way she starts to attack or act like a child. When I got to the house tonight she had taken the garage door opener off the wall in the kitchen. I asked her about it and she acted like it never existed. It is so bizarre to have to deal with this kind of stuff. It is actuall helping me to remember why I never want to be in a relationship with her ever again. She wins the award for the crazy person I have ever dealt with. Her mom is nuts, my wife is the one that told me her mom is nuts, and now she is just as nutty as her mom. Very sad stuff to watch someone destroy their life.

Too bad for her, not so bad for me. That is all for now. Kids are fed, bathed, PJs on, stories read and out cold. I bring my Jack Russell, Izzie, with me and she is sleeping with my daughter tonight. The rule is Izzie sleeps with them every other night. It is super cute. Good night everybody. ��
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Old 04-30-2015, 02:40 PM
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Thanks getright15, good luck on your sobriety. I hope you are working a 12 step program and are dedicated to it.

For today's entertainment my wife has sent me two hate filled emails before 9am today, followed up by a hate filled text. She is mad at just about anything I say or do. I asked her if I could come to the house and get the lawnmower to cut the grass at the lake. When she wouldn't respond I just made sure to take care of that yesterday when I was with the kids. I would have rather done it tomorrow instead and focused my time and attention on my kids. It turned out OK and it is done.

So today she sent me an awful email about how it is my job to cut the grass and that she had been willing to do it but since I was so mean to her I have to do it. I had offered to show her how to use the mower, it is a zero turning mower and it a little tricky to learn how to use. The one time I tried to teach her before she was drunk and almost ran over my feet. My thought process on her learning how to use it is because she will probably end up with our house, I am becoming OK with that, it is just a material object and can be replaced. She takes my suggestion to teach her how to use it as a statement that she must start cutting the grass. She is so paranoid right now.

She is the group mom for our son's class and she sent an email out to all the parents about an upcoming event as school where parents can volunteer to help. I am already helping with my daughter's class in the morning and wanted to help with our son's class. I did not receive the signup email list, just the email from her that said she had sent out the signup list. I replied to all and said "i have not seen the signup list, did it already go out?". Verbatim. She sent me a text and blasted me for sending that to everyone. 30 minutes later another mom send her the same email. No apology from my wife.

I am just at step 8, but I know that step 10 is immediate amends. I would think that text qualifies for immediate amends. Not a big deal. It does worry me that she is not working her program and is destined to relapse. That worries me because of her level of drinking while she was drinking.

It is all so weird to get this much hate directed at me every day. I have never in my life had someone hate me this much for this long when I don't really see what I did that was this bad.

She also told me in an email today that I told the kids that it was her decision to get a divorce and that I would have liked to stay married. That was true then. It is not true now, I will correct that when I am with the kids next. But, she should tell them the truth that she does not want to be married to daddy anymore. Why not say that? It is a true statement. What would the other option be to tell them? Mommy wants her own house, just because. Crazy.

I just emailed her asking if I could speak to the kids on the phone at 6:30 pm instead of 7pm because I am meeting with my sponsor at 7 and then an Al Anon meeting at 8. I am sure that will cause a problem.

That is all for today, for now. I am sure there will be more later.
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Old 04-30-2015, 03:10 PM
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Hi, ScubaDad--I'm sorry for the problems you're going thru. I want to make a suggestion, if I may: It looks like it's nearly a year since you started this thread. In that time, I don't see where you've posted to any other thread except this one. Have you been reading other posts here? I have found it extremely helpful for my growth and learning to read and contribute to other threads, partly b/c it gives me perspective on my own situation and partly b/c there is a lot to be gained from seeing the ways in which others have learned, grown and overcome adversity.

I'm really glad to hear you're using Alanon as a tool in your recovery; that face-to-face support can do a lot. You might be pleasantly surprised if you can take the focus off of your own situation a little bit and look around on some other threads here at SR also--there's an awful lot going on and a lot of inspiration and hope being shared. It can really change your day, and your life.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 04-30-2015, 03:15 PM
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Thanks honeypig, that is a good suggestion, I had not thought of that.
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Old 04-30-2015, 03:18 PM
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She also told me in an email today that I told the kids that it was her decision to get a divorce and that I would have liked to stay married. That was true then. It is not true now, I will correct that when I am with the kids next. But, she should tell them the truth that she does not want to be married to daddy anymore. Why not say that? It is a true statement. What would the other option be to tell them? Mommy wants her own house, just because. Crazy.
I think that statements like "Mommy does not want to be married to daddy" or whatever are loaded >I guess it is better than mommy is ******* crazy but still LOL <
It is unfair to put your kids in a position where in their young heads, they might see one parent as the "villain" who is breaking the family.
What about:
"Daddy and mommy have decided to go their separate ways but we still love you very much and are here for you. It is not your fault at all. Grown ups sometimes just change and become too different to live together"
or something like that.
Be as neutral as possible and make sure they understand it is not because they won't clean their rooms or argue with each others...not their fault
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Old 04-30-2015, 04:21 PM
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Wow, I just wrote a long rant about your comment of me saying something negative and then my internet dropped. Most be my higher power. Just so you know I don't say anything negative about her. Nothing about the DUI, alcoholism or affair. Last night at dinner my son said how "he has the best mommy in the world". I immediately agreed with him. Today my mom told me how impressed she was that I said that. She was eating with us and said that she was floored with how I said that considering what I am going through.

When they ask why am I not in the house, I say because Mommy does not want me here. That is the truth. Nothing about love, or marriage, or divorce or breaking up. Mommy does not want to live with daddy. How else would you describe it? I have told my kids over and over how much we both love them. I have told them we will always be a family. They will always have a mommy and daddy, we just won't live together. My wife refuses to sit down as a family and discuss this with them. This divorce was not a joint decision, it was done while I was out of town. We had not been fighting, we had actually been doing very good as told to us by our marriage counselor. In my kids world I went to a training meeting out of town and did not come back. And all my stuff in the house was gone. To them I vanished.

We are taking the kids to a child psychologist to deal with this and the psychologist is the one that told me to tell them that "mommy does not want to live with daddy". My wife tells them that "this is like losing a tooth, or going from kindergarten to 1st grade. It is just a change in life." That is not accurate, it is not about a simple change. It is more like a death, it is a death to a relationship and a way of life. Some positive will come from this, but a lot more hurt, pain and difficult situations today.

My kids keep asking "why". Just telling them, "people change", is not enough. That is very confusing to them. They want to know why. I don't know why. She has never told me. Originally it was I was a threat to her. That is now all gone. Now it is because I am an unfit father because I travel for work. I don't know what to tell them. I love her, but I cannot live with her. She is a dangerous person for me to be with, she can make any false claim and I could go to jail. It is that simple. But I can't tell my kids that.

Making a simple statement about not getting along only lasts for about 30 minutes and then they start asking why. Kids are not dumb. You can't pacify them with a simple statement and think that you are all good. They keep asking why. It is very difficult. She should tell them the truth. She does not want to be married to daddy anymore. Tell them why. It would be better than telling them nothing.
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Old 04-30-2015, 06:42 PM
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My 6 year old is wise beyond her years so she knows why dad isn't here anymore and why mommy and daddy divirced-SHE explained to me after crying her eyes out about daddy drinking everyday and yelling at mommy-and that she would hide under her bed and loved her dad but was scared of him. Kids are wise beyond their years and while it's wise to take a neutral stance, pls don't ever lie to them if they do open up about something. Talking about addiction, etc when kids are young and want to talk is important so the truth is out there. My two cents and advice I have followed from my therapist, my daughters therapist and others on this board. There IS an amazing amount of hope on this board!
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Old 05-01-2015, 12:25 AM
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I read a book called 'Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce The Sandcastles Way' that I thought was great. Ideally both parents would read it but that wasn't the case in my situation and I still found in an incredibly helpful resource.

Wishing you the best.
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Old 05-01-2015, 07:22 AM
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Man, my heart breaks for your kids.

I agree with forourgirls, honesty is the BEST way to show them respect during this process. I basically told DD, "I want to be honest with you & show you respect during all these changes in our lives, but sometimes the most honest IS *I don't know*, or *Let me think about the best way to answer that great question you just asked*." I told her that I was often still working on understanding things too, so I wasn't always able to explain them. I told her that NO question was off limits, but that I couldn't answer what she didn't ask. We talk openly about addiction - not just alcoholism, but how all kinds of people struggle with all kinds of behaviors. I talk to her about how it was for me as a kid with an a father who was an alcoholic & drug addict.

When we separated she was around 5 yrs old (10 now); I told her that sometimes people grow apart & just can't get along the way they once did. And that trying to FORCE that sometimes brings out the worst in both people, which makes everyone in the house miserable. Sometimes, people need time & a little space just like she does when she goes to her room to read or play alone & shuts the door. That becomes her sanctuary - but for mommies & daddies to do that it sometimes involves living apart. I told her I didn't know where any of the changes were going to take us for sure, but that I COULD promise to let her know as soon as I figured it out. (And then, of course, I kept any promises that I made.)

It really paid off for me to show some vulnerability & not try to pretend that I had my crap together all the time.
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Old 05-01-2015, 11:34 AM
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Fire Sprite. That is the best advice I have heard concerning this. Thank you very much. I will absolutely use that the next time I am with my kids.
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