Don't be his chick(en)!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 55
Wow! So glad this link was shared in a recent post. This is exactly what it feels like. This is a huge eye opener to be able to name it. I can finally see it for what I was doing and waiting for and hoping for. And the anxiety I felt when I didn’t get the pellet.
I cut the pellets off a month ago. It doesn’t feel good. But it helps to have perspective on it now. I still hope he changes/heals/gets sober. I know the chicken in me would still want that pellet. But I told him I need more than the pellet. And he was ok with taking the pellet and going back to his comfort and escape from life’s pains by avoiding being vulnerable and by drinking (I assume). He didn’t show a single crack in the wall around his heart when I let him go. He’s not ready. Too much pain. And I learned from a poster on here that he isn’t rejecting me, he is saving himself from the vulnerability and pain that he would need to go through if he gave up the coping mechanism and broke down the walls. It hurts to see a man who I feel really cares for me and who is truly a good soul be unable to allow himself to feel anything anymore because the pain was so great before. I don’t believe his intentions are malicious at all. For him, only giving the pellet or crumb is self-preservation. I just can’t be the one consuming the intermittent pellets anymore.
I cut the pellets off a month ago. It doesn’t feel good. But it helps to have perspective on it now. I still hope he changes/heals/gets sober. I know the chicken in me would still want that pellet. But I told him I need more than the pellet. And he was ok with taking the pellet and going back to his comfort and escape from life’s pains by avoiding being vulnerable and by drinking (I assume). He didn’t show a single crack in the wall around his heart when I let him go. He’s not ready. Too much pain. And I learned from a poster on here that he isn’t rejecting me, he is saving himself from the vulnerability and pain that he would need to go through if he gave up the coping mechanism and broke down the walls. It hurts to see a man who I feel really cares for me and who is truly a good soul be unable to allow himself to feel anything anymore because the pain was so great before. I don’t believe his intentions are malicious at all. For him, only giving the pellet or crumb is self-preservation. I just can’t be the one consuming the intermittent pellets anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Further complicating this situation is the fact that, in my opinion, there isn't really much "intent" by the partner in handing out these intermittent bread crumbs. Due to their addiction I think it is all they are really capable of, or know. Very tough and confusing position to be in for sure.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
This helps me put the last few months in much better perspective. I’m happy to say my marriage (until now) was never dancing-chicken time! 6 great years of mutual respect and good treatment.
Unfortunately, I think how healthy we were together, and he was alone, lulled my AH into a sense that he could reintroduce “in moderation.” He didn’t feel like the same hurt kid he felt like when he was first using. The “logic” was, how could he have the same problem when he wasn’t the same guy anymore? But not even a year after reintroducing substances, we’re suddenly doing the most exhausting chicken dance of my life! And I didn’t see it coming.
But I’m not dancing anymore. I am still hopeful that he will bring himself back to the recovery he loves, and I am open to being with him again if that happens. But I will have to see it to believe it. And in the meantime, for my own sanity (and maybe even his) I’m not pecking away anymore!
Unfortunately, I think how healthy we were together, and he was alone, lulled my AH into a sense that he could reintroduce “in moderation.” He didn’t feel like the same hurt kid he felt like when he was first using. The “logic” was, how could he have the same problem when he wasn’t the same guy anymore? But not even a year after reintroducing substances, we’re suddenly doing the most exhausting chicken dance of my life! And I didn’t see it coming.
But I’m not dancing anymore. I am still hopeful that he will bring himself back to the recovery he loves, and I am open to being with him again if that happens. But I will have to see it to believe it. And in the meantime, for my own sanity (and maybe even his) I’m not pecking away anymore!
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