Jean77

What the heck is wrong with me?! I want to quit I have to quit and yet I still end up going and buying a bottle.
My kids aren't stupid they know when I'm standing at the fridge I'm sneaking a shot or two or three. They also know when I'm drunk and yet I tell myself I'm functioning just fine. Did it again last night.
I get to day 3 then I relapse. I feel so depressed with a load of anixeity. I feel like such a failure and can't barely look at my kids.
I have do it this time I really do. I had some of the vodka left and instead of drinking it I dumped it out. First step I suppose.
I'm better then this damn-it, so why have I and do I keep letting myself fall? I keep telling myself once my husband gets back home (18days) I will do so much better since he doesn't drink anymore and I'll have help with daily life but am I fooling myself? I hope not.
Well here it goes again, Day 1.

trachemys

Welcome to the lifeboat, Jean.

Read around. You'll find lot's of ideas here. Consulting your doctor might help also.

least

We understand what you're going thru as most of us have had the same problem: knowing we should stop, yet using anyway. Good for you for dumping the rest of the bottle. Come here often to vent and ask for advice. We'll support you all the way.

Goat

Hi Jean!

Boy do I feel your pain right now. Good for you dumping that poison out!

-Goat

doggonecarl

I thought about quitting drinking for years. Discovered that "thinking" about quitting isn't a recovery plan. I had to quit. I had to take action. Then I have to find a way to stay quit. Intentions, no matter how strong, work by themselves.

That seems to be where you are at, not able to get over the hurdles of early sobriety. What actions are taking to stay quit? Are you seeking face-to-face support? A recovery program geared to alcoholics? Are you willing to?

doggonecarl

I meant to say "Intentions, no matter how strong, rarely work by themselves."

Jean77

I was diagnoised with PTS a few years ago along with other things. My doctor has urged me to quit drinking but I always down play how much I'm actually drinking. Again trying to fool somebody as well as myself. Perhaps I can now reach out to her.

I have a fear of reaching out with my identify (thats why I'm starting here) because I have severe trust issues.
When I was first being treated for depression I let my old-no longer doctor know everything. I felt like I was really ready to get help and better my future. I told her that I took a couple of hits of pot after work before I started dinner and helping kids with homework just to unwind. (This was before my drinking got out of hand). At my next visit she told me that she was thinking that she might call child services because I was smoking pot in the house with kids. (I never smoked infront of the kids and hid it by smoking in the bathroom before taking a shower). My therapist discussed it with her and she never did call but it completely devastated my ablity to reach out for help. (I don't smoke anymore so I was able to quit that- one less crutch).

I've thought about going to an AA meeting but just don't have the guts and don't want to be let down. I know that sounds crazy but after being thru counciling, therapy, and what nots for so long with little help I'm basically scared.

GoodFortune

I have been down that road so many times, and I have tried to quit so many times. Finally I think that I have started to realize that I am helpless against the addiction. I can`t do this by myself, and I guess that that is the case with all addicts. Could you seek help with your doctor? Find meetings and other people with the same problem? I always thought that if I could just be a better person, if I just was a little stronger, everything would work it self out, but it doesn`t. This is a disease, and the bad things we do is a symptom of our disease. If we can treat our disease the bad things go away, and the only way to do that is to find some kind of help and deal with it.

I wish you all the luck in the worll in your recovery. You can do it!

shirlygirly

Welcome, Jean. I can relate to everything you just said- especially the third-day mark. My pattern was that I'd get drunk, wake up the next day, and swear off drinking for good. So Day 1 was the hangover, Day 2 was the anxiety, depression, and general haziness, then by Day 3 I'd feel a bit "better," so I'd throw in the towel and start drinking again. That cycle lasted for years, resulting in many lost opportunities and unbearable heartache.

So, I finally decided to try Alcoholics Anonymous. I had been to 3-4 meetings over the last five years, but never actually WORKED the program. Finally, this time around, I was ready to work it.

I went to a Beginner's meeting on Day 2, sobbed to a room full of 70 strangers as I for the first time in my life introduced myself as an alcoholic, and took every number I could get. I now go to 5-6 meetings a week, keep in touch with everyone I've met while I'm not at a meeting, and am working the 12 Steps with a sponsor-- who I call to check in with every single day.

It's only been 26 days, but in that time I've been through a lot. I've received incredible news, terrible news, and was even left by my long-term partner-- all of which have ALWAYS been triggers for my drinking, either in celebration or out of misery. But you know what? I haven't drank over any of it.

You need to get yourself to a meeting, and you need to get yourself there TODAY. None of this "18 days when my husband gets home" nonsense, or talking about pouring your vodka down the drain being your "first step" nonsense. Make arrangements for your kids, get to a meeting, and introduce yourself as new when you're there. Once you get in the door and they know that you're new, the AA fellowship will take care of the rest.

<3

Dib42

Same thing here . . . I didn't have a plan, but I was going to come up with one, tomorrow, as tonight was the last night i was going to drink. Tomorrow took about 3 years to come.

shockozulu

Welcome Jean. You aren't a fool, you simply had foolish actions. That is a big difference.

Good job on pouring it out.

raja12

Hi Jean. I know how you are feeling. I've just come back from yet another slip and I can't honestly tell you why that happened. Except the fact I'm an alocholic. So I'm back to day one. Just keep on trying. I know its possible and I read about it all the time on here. Don't quit trying. I'm not going to the miracle does happen. Sometimes it just takes longer for some of us(me).

visch1

Thanks for the excellent description of the way it works. AA is full of people who understand and go to lengths to help us if we WANT AND ACCEPT IT. One of the first things is we need is to be honest with ourselves and admit our way isn't working. Letting go is what it's called. BE WELL

Anna

Welcome, Jean!

Try to remember alcoholism is a disease, not a character defect. And, you can learn to live a sober life.

I also down-played how much I drank and tried to not pay attention to that. And, personally, I think waiting 18 days till your husband comes home is just putting off the decision. I always had a reason to wait, but I don't think there is ever a perfect time to stop drinking.

And, you will always find lots of support here.

Topherrm

I'm totally with you. I've been fooling my self and lying to myself. Telling myself I was just fine. I don't every night. But I do drink almost every night. If I skip more than one night it was a big deal for me. But today I decided it was time for me to stop. Stop lying to myself, stop fooling myself. I'm with you. But we will get through it. Everyone here seems really nice and supportive.

Jean77

Quick update:
After some really helpful folks (one in particular - shout out Shirlygirly on here I have made immediate steps. I've made an appt. with my phychitrist for first thing in the mornng to come clean with her and plan on going to an AA meeting in the afternoon. I'm scared to death but with the continued support on here I know I will be able to do it.
Don't get me wrong I wasn't planning on waiting until my husband comes home I just know I will have more support when he does. I have hardly any family besides my kiddos and inlaws so him being gone has been extermely tough. I can't wait to support each other and better our future and start a new chapter in our lives. We have five kids 10, 13, 14, 17, 18 and a grandbaby on the way (ugh scary). I need to do this for me first off but for them as much.
Please continue the support and thanks for the support given.

trachemys

Good for you, Jean.

PeppyGirl

Hang in there Jean. It sounds like you are taking some good steps. After another slip today is another Day 1 for me. My husband travels extensively for work so not having him home was always hard for me; I have 4 young children. I hate living this way in front of my very impressionable kids. He is supporting me now in my fight for sobriety and has taken several weeks off of work to help me get back on my feet. After struggling with depression for a few years, I feel like I am finally on the right meds and am so ready to kick drinking to the curb. Good for you to set up your meeting with the psychiatrist and head to aa. I am trying to go to a meeting every day. You may even know a person or 2 and find comfort in that. I almost cried tears of joy when my favorite checker at Target showed up at a meeting today! I had no idea! She stayed after to talk to me and has agreed to be my sponsor.

Hugs and best wishes to you. PG

shirlygirly

You got this, Jean! Today is your day! Good luck <3