lastonestanding

Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum. I am the sister of a hardcore addict of ten years now. My addicted sister has been jailed, license revoked, done eight stints in rehab, outpatient rehab 5 times with suboxone(sic) divorced with only supervised visitation with her three daughters, and is currently living with my widowed 84 year old father, who is completely co-dependent. I have cut off contact with my sister for about 4 years now. My father is extremely upset about that, but I have a family and life of my own that deserve to be untainted by her addiction and its accompanying horrors.

My father supports her completely, financially, emotionally, he even pays her cell phone bills and gives her spending money because "she still needs a social life". Every attempt by myself and other family members to reason with him is futile. He will have to have an epiphany of his own. I am close to my father, he and I are the only members of my immediate family left (Mom died in 2001, sister is, well, "not present") My father still thinks he can fix her addiction. He is constantly searching her room, finding white powders, wine bottles, prescrition bottles with strangers names on them. I have to keep gently reminding him that it won't work, but his codependency is as strong as her addiction.
Lately, on his forays into her room to discover her hidden cache of pharmacology, he has found baking soda under the bed, in the linen closet, even hidden in the radiators. I am not familiar with drug paraphernalia other than the occasional joint in college, so please forgive me if this is a stupid or ignorant question, but what is this used for?

BlueSkies1

I'm not sure either, but I think people who resell cocaine "cut" it with baking soda, mixing it, in order to make it go farther. Having never used it myself I can't say for sure. Why would she hide baking soda in the radiator? Sounds like that time he found the coke, not the baking soda, and can't tell the difference.
Have you suggested alanon for him?

Justfor1

It can be used to cut heroin/cocaine with. Hopefully, she has not advanced to the selling stage that sometimes happens with addicts.

lastonestanding

Thanks for the responses. I and my uncle have given up trying to get help for my Dad. I don't know if he will ever see how he is enabling her addiction, we have plied him with alanon, NA and other writings. We even tried a pseudo intervention for him, but it seems like he thinks she is his cross to bear. Violence, theft, incarceration, being taken out of the house by police in restraints does not convince him that he is in over his head. All I can do is listen to him vent about her, which isn't much. I have no idea how else to help someone who won't accept help.

Florence

It can be used to cut other drugs, or she might have it in the vents to try to cover an odor. She could be dealing, or it could be as benign as her trying to cover the smell of smoke or something.

m1k3

LastOneStanding, she has the right to live her life as an addict. Your father has the right to choose his relationship with her just as you have the right to choose your relationship with them.

The 3 c's applies to codies as much as it does to addicts.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

You can no more manage his codependent behavior than you can manage her addiction. I know speaking as a recovering codie, only I have the means to work a recovery for my compulsive behavior. There was nothing anyone could say or do to get me to give it up until I was ready to do so.

Your friend,

BlueSkies1

I agree with m1k3, but, I might ask him though, if he was getting tired of the obsessive detective work. I did detective work for far too long...it is very draining. Ask him if it drains his mental energy. Then suggest he simply let her do whatever she is doing and not do detective work on it, since she is going to do it anyway.
I'm just thinking of ways to help him.
I might say--when it becomes too draining dad, you might want to consider telling her to leave, or trying an alanon meeting for yourself.
And you could anonymously leave "codependent no more" on his coffee table.

thequest

Some people use baking soda as a deodorizer. Maybe they're trying to cover up the smell of smoking or "cooking"-hopefully not.

logo

Baking Soda can also be used to make crack but I hope not. Good luck on your journey. Logo

Recovering2

I have a similar situation. My 50yo brother lives with my elderly parents. For years, I tried to get them to change things. AlAnon, counseling. Don't pick him up from jail, don't let latest girlfriend drop him back at your door step, don't give him money. Etc etc etc. In the end, all it did was make them uncomfortable around me. They are devoutly religious, and also feel it's their cross to bear somehow. My Mom always tells me she can't kick him out, if something happens to him, she would never get over it. At this stage in life, I have to agree...she would carry that guilt. So I had to learn to stay completely out of it. They know how I feel. I see my brother on the rare occasion I'm at their house, and occasionally say hello when he answers their phone. Get togethers with my parents happen at my house. I don't ask about my brother, and they don't tell me. We stay focused on the rest of our lives. I am still heart broken for their situation, but have found peace in letting them decide how they want to handle it.