Son in rehab wants out
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 111
Son in rehab wants out
For the past few weeks I have been reading all your advice and now have my first question. My 23 year old AS (oxycodone) spend 4 days inpatient detox and then went to a 28 day residential. Self pay, meaning we pay. Health insurance would not cover. He has been there 15 days. Long phone call today and he wants to leave. He said the first week was helpful, but now he sits all day and listening to everyone's story about using and is just feeling worse about himself. He said he is not getting practical advice and feels like they just rehash the same discussions everyday. He said there is construction work going on at the place and he wanted to go ask if he could help just to be doing something productive. When he left inpatient detox the doc and AS both said his chance at relapse at that point were 100%. They both thought residential was the only way to keep him clean.
The first week he was at residential he talked about what they were doing, now, nothing.
So what am I looking for - advice for us, where to point him for practical, assertive advice. If he does come home or to his apartment with GF (not AGF), how do I keep from asking him if he is using? This has been going on for over a year and we only found out about 6 weeks ago. My kids have put me through the ringer on several fronts but this one is new to us.
Thanks for listening/reading.
b.
The first week he was at residential he talked about what they were doing, now, nothing.
So what am I looking for - advice for us, where to point him for practical, assertive advice. If he does come home or to his apartment with GF (not AGF), how do I keep from asking him if he is using? This has been going on for over a year and we only found out about 6 weeks ago. My kids have put me through the ringer on several fronts but this one is new to us.
Thanks for listening/reading.
b.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Been down this road 3x with my daughter and heard it all. She put zero effort into it and got about the same out of the experiences. Of course to hear her tell it at the time, all three places were bad rehabs and she was bored out of her mind. Reality was, she was not ready to be done. She relapsed within hours of returning home.
It took me a long time to accept that it 's my daughter's addiction and her recovery , or not. With the benefit of hindsight, I strongly recommend that you do not allow him to return to your home. Give him the gift of dignity to own his recovery or not. Instead of trying to solve his problems for him, ask him what he plans to do and how he's going to fund it.
As a side bar, my daughter eventually got clean and did so without the benefit of a managed detox or rehab. Unlike her stints in rehab, she took ownership of her own recovery and future.
It took me a long time to accept that it 's my daughter's addiction and her recovery , or not. With the benefit of hindsight, I strongly recommend that you do not allow him to return to your home. Give him the gift of dignity to own his recovery or not. Instead of trying to solve his problems for him, ask him what he plans to do and how he's going to fund it.
As a side bar, my daughter eventually got clean and did so without the benefit of a managed detox or rehab. Unlike her stints in rehab, she took ownership of her own recovery and future.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
“When he left inpatient detox the doc and AS both said his chance at relapse at that point were 100%. They both thought residential were the only way to keep him clean.”
…and his chances of relapse decrease to what percent if he leaves rehab early?
Curious, what where the circumstances that made him choose inpatient care?
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
How do you keep from asking if he's clean? Did he tell you the truth in the past? I know if asked I lied through my teeth. That's why I don't waste my energy asking my addicted sister I know she's going to lie making my attempt futile and I have better things to do than work up a resentment.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
I agree with Outtolunch. My AS is also an opiate addict (heroin), and towards the end of his second week of in-patient rehab (the first time), he was intent on leaving AMA. Took several of us to convince him to stay until the end only a few days later. He told us the same thing your son is saying -- he's already heard everything, there's nothing new to learn, he knows it all already, he just wants to get out so he can start his recovery program. Except he never started his recovery program. He was using again within hours of being released from rehab. I made the mistake of allowing him to move back into our house after rehab. He should have gone into a 3/4 house (sober living environment), where there is regular drug testing, structure, meetings, etc. I tried to encourage him to pursue recovery, but that put us into an adversarial position, and the next thing I knew, my house was a veritable "drug house" again. I ended up throwing him out. He lived in his car for about a week, then checked himself into another in-patient rehab program ON HIS OWN. His attitude is totally different this time. He's embracing it rather than fighting it. He's still there, so I can't tell you whether things will be different when he gets out. I can tell you, though, that he will NOT be moving back into my house when the program is over this time around.
I have concluded that there is nothing I can do or say that will convince my AS to go into or stay in recovery. He will do it only if HE really wants to and when he is ready. We can essentially force our addicted loved ones into a rehab program - that's pretty much how it happened the first time with my AS - but if he doesn't really want recovery FOR HIMSELF, it won't stick. My son knows that I will not be a part of his life if he is using because it is simply too hard for me. I can't make his problem my problem any longer. But I will definitely be there for him if he is pursuing recovery.
I have concluded that there is nothing I can do or say that will convince my AS to go into or stay in recovery. He will do it only if HE really wants to and when he is ready. We can essentially force our addicted loved ones into a rehab program - that's pretty much how it happened the first time with my AS - but if he doesn't really want recovery FOR HIMSELF, it won't stick. My son knows that I will not be a part of his life if he is using because it is simply too hard for me. I can't make his problem my problem any longer. But I will definitely be there for him if he is pursuing recovery.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by bookreader 
For the past few weeks I have been reading all your advice and now have my first question. My 23 year old AS (oxycodone) spend 4 days inpatient detox and then went to a 28 day residential. Self pay, meaning we pay. Health insurance would not cover. He has been there 15 days. Long phone call today and he wants to leave. He said the first week was helpful, but now he sits all day and listening to everyone's story about using and is just feeling worse about himself. He said he is not getting practical advice and feels like they just rehash the same discussions everyday. He said there is construction work going on at the place and he wanted to go ask if he could help just to be doing something productive. When he left inpatient detox the doc and AS both said his chance at relapse at that point were 100%. They both thought residential was the only way to keep him clean.
The first week he was at residential he talked about what they were doing, now, nothing.
So what am I looking for - advice for us, where to point him for practical, assertive advice. If he does come home or to his apartment with GF (not AGF), how do I keep from asking him if he is using? This has been going on for over a year and we only found out about 6 weeks ago. My kids have put me through the ringer on several fronts but this one is new to us.
Thanks for listening/reading.
b.
The first week he was at residential he talked about what they were doing, now, nothing.
So what am I looking for - advice for us, where to point him for practical, assertive advice. If he does come home or to his apartment with GF (not AGF), how do I keep from asking him if he is using? This has been going on for over a year and we only found out about 6 weeks ago. My kids have put me through the ringer on several fronts but this one is new to us.
Thanks for listening/reading.
b.
It's not my place to give you advice. But I can share with you my experience, and my experience is something that a lot of us on the board have in common.
One of the most helpful things I've heard in Al Anon is we need to allow the addict to make their own decisions, for good or for ill. If your son is using, there's nothing you can do about that. You have to take care of you.
Have you read the sticky note "What Addicts Do"? If not, I suggest you do so. And then read it again. Because that's what you're up against. And then you need to make a decision on how you're going to take care of you.
Al Anon has helped me tremendously. I suggest you find a meeting local to you and go in with an open mind and open ears. Al Anon (and Nar Anon) puts the focus on us, and how we deal with someone else's addiction.
Continue reading the posts. And God Bless.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Been down this road 3x with my daughter and heard it all. She put zero effort into it and got about the same out of the experiences. Of course to hear her tell it at the time, all three places were bad rehabs and she was bored out of her mind. Reality was, she was not ready to be done. She relapsed within hours of returning home.
It took me a long time to accept that it 's my daughter's addiction and her recovery , or not. With the benefit of hindsight, I strongly recommend that you do not allow him to return to your home. Give him the gift of dignity to own his recovery or not. Instead of trying to solve his problems for him, ask him what he plans to do and how he's going to fund it.
As a side bar, my daughter eventually got clean and did so without the benefit of a managed detox or rehab. Unlike her stints in rehab, she took ownership of her own recovery and future.
It took me a long time to accept that it 's my daughter's addiction and her recovery , or not. With the benefit of hindsight, I strongly recommend that you do not allow him to return to your home. Give him the gift of dignity to own his recovery or not. Instead of trying to solve his problems for him, ask him what he plans to do and how he's going to fund it.
As a side bar, my daughter eventually got clean and did so without the benefit of a managed detox or rehab. Unlike her stints in rehab, she took ownership of her own recovery and future.
What he puts in to rehab is what he'll get out of it. It's a common "gripe" that I've heard from addicts. Bad rehab. Bad therapist. Bad group. Bad discussions.
If "his" way worked (doing drugs and trying to get clean on his own), then he wouldn't be needing rehab, would he?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Brighton, UK
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by tjp613
If he wants to leave, then pull the plug and save your money! He's not done. But make sure you take your hands off the wheel after that!
Been there, done that 4-5x now.
Been there, done that 4-5x now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
My son, the first two weeks in the 1/2 wh after rehab were the worst(him and me) I look back at some of my posts and I was nervous confused about the calls, "COME Get me NOW" was the worst one. One night he was signing himself out and we got called in to speak with him without staff in the room. He stayed. It was a life saver. I quit taking the calls after that for while and it all worked out, so far. Three months in the 1/2wh and looking forward now with his life. Who would have thought he would reach this point that late night we sat there telling him NO he could not come home that place was the best place for him.
I have come along ways since then to I am not the same person anymore.
Should add: Son told me the other day did end up walking out that night after we left. He got outside and realized where he needed to be. It wason his shoulders not ours, I am thankful we left that night.
I have come along ways since then to I am not the same person anymore.
Should add: Son told me the other day did end up walking out that night after we left. He got outside and realized where he needed to be. It wason his shoulders not ours, I am thankful we left that night.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
Welcome to the board!
It sounds to me like your son is not done using. This is HIS recovery and unfortunately for the loved ones/family members of addicts, we have to understand that it really doesn't matter what we say, how long we try to convince them otherwise, or try to reason with them...if the addict is not done using, no amount of time spent in detox, inpatient treatment, or rehab will make much of a difference. If your son doesn't surrender to treatment, doesn't admit to himself that he is powerless over his addiction and needs help and needs a program to stay clean, he could stay there for the full 28 days and come home and use.
Get yourself to an alanon or naranon meeting and get support. You're going to need it.
Best of luck to you!
Keep posting, we're all here to help.
It sounds to me like your son is not done using. This is HIS recovery and unfortunately for the loved ones/family members of addicts, we have to understand that it really doesn't matter what we say, how long we try to convince them otherwise, or try to reason with them...if the addict is not done using, no amount of time spent in detox, inpatient treatment, or rehab will make much of a difference. If your son doesn't surrender to treatment, doesn't admit to himself that he is powerless over his addiction and needs help and needs a program to stay clean, he could stay there for the full 28 days and come home and use.
Get yourself to an alanon or naranon meeting and get support. You're going to need it.
Best of luck to you!
Keep posting, we're all here to help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you found us. You are not alone. There are many parents here who understand.
Personally, I found the answers I was looking for in the rooms of Nar-Anon and Al-Anon. They weren't the answers I THOUGHT I was looking for but the answers were there none the less.
You, your family and your son will be in my prayers. I hope you stick around. Read. Rant. Learn. Take what you need and leave the rest. There is comfort knowing that there are many other parents who are walking this path with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Personally, I found the answers I was looking for in the rooms of Nar-Anon and Al-Anon. They weren't the answers I THOUGHT I was looking for but the answers were there none the less.
You, your family and your son will be in my prayers. I hope you stick around. Read. Rant. Learn. Take what you need and leave the rest. There is comfort knowing that there are many other parents who are walking this path with you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((BookReader))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and have loved ones who are in recovery, who are still active, and some lost the battle with addiction.
When I THOUGHT I was done, I stayed clean for a while. I'd been through outpatient treatment, meetings for almost 6 months, but I was not done, and I relapsed.
This time, however, I accepted that, obviously, I did NOT know it all, and I grasped for everything I could to keep me in recovery. I've had to work on my codependency recovery harder than the addiction one, but they are very intertwined for me.
I realize I don't know your son. I can only tell you that when I was convinced that I'd heard it all, knew how to stay clean, was bored hearing recovery talk...I was not done. I've got 5 years in recovery, a huge part of it is thanks to SR, and I'm still learning
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and have loved ones who are in recovery, who are still active, and some lost the battle with addiction.
When I THOUGHT I was done, I stayed clean for a while. I'd been through outpatient treatment, meetings for almost 6 months, but I was not done, and I relapsed.
This time, however, I accepted that, obviously, I did NOT know it all, and I grasped for everything I could to keep me in recovery. I've had to work on my codependency recovery harder than the addiction one, but they are very intertwined for me.
I realize I don't know your son. I can only tell you that when I was convinced that I'd heard it all, knew how to stay clean, was bored hearing recovery talk...I was not done. I've got 5 years in recovery, a huge part of it is thanks to SR, and I'm still learning
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
I'm afraid he is nowhere near done, bookreader. He has definitely not hit bottom and he is doing exactly the same thing all of our addicts have done....manipulating you! Don't fall for it. You HAVE to protect yourself. Unfortunately, until he is ready and he hits his bottom, he will continue to lie and manipulate because that's what addicts do. I know it's hard....but you have to let him go, in some respects, and accept that you have zero control over it. Absolutely none! We all thought at one time or another "but my addict is different or my situation is different". I'm afraid not. They all eventually follow pretty much the same path. Start your own program sooner than later. It's the only way you will survive this with your sanity intact. We are here for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by johnny2times
28days is no where near enough time to complete treatment
Bookreader, welcome to SR!
I am also a recovering codependent as I had an addict/alcoholic husband (now deceased) and I have a 34-year-old addict daughter.
I know for me, Alanon, therapy, and the book "Codependent No More" have helped me tremendously in dealing with my AD.
I also have a 23-year-old daughter who is codependent herself, and I work hard to stay out of the frequent drama in her life. I have gone N/C with her before in order to keep my serenity, and have also done the same with AD.
Perhaps it is time for you to go no contact with your son for a bit? Just a thought.
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Over the past 4 years I have read thousands of posts on this and other forums. It's a rare recovering addict who got and stayed that way due to rehab. The most common characteristics of those in long term recovery seem to be two-fold. They take personal responsibility for their recovery and they have reached a point where sobriety is necessary to live. Many, not all, benefit from some sort of peer group support system, AA, NA SR or other programs.
One of my favorite posters once said, " I gave up so little ( drugs) for so much (my life)".
Most rehabs offer 28 day programs because that is usually the maximum covered by insurance. 28 +/- days in rehab is not a magic bullet that cures addiction. Best case, it can teach a highly motivated addict some of the tools of recovery. The rest is up to the addicted person. The really hard part begins once they leave rehab.
My daughter has always been the sort of child and young adult who is highly motivated for about 48 hours. As soon as she realizes achieving anything requires effort on her part, she loses interest. Then she's bored and prone to blaming lousy teachers, therapists, Mds, this or that. When that does not work, she does the "why bother, I'll only fail" routine.
On the cusp of turning 24, she is just starting to grasp the connection between cause and effect- that without effort on her part, nothing changes.
It's a cognitive maturity thing.
One of my favorite posters once said, " I gave up so little ( drugs) for so much (my life)".
Most rehabs offer 28 day programs because that is usually the maximum covered by insurance. 28 +/- days in rehab is not a magic bullet that cures addiction. Best case, it can teach a highly motivated addict some of the tools of recovery. The rest is up to the addicted person. The really hard part begins once they leave rehab.
My daughter has always been the sort of child and young adult who is highly motivated for about 48 hours. As soon as she realizes achieving anything requires effort on her part, she loses interest. Then she's bored and prone to blaming lousy teachers, therapists, Mds, this or that. When that does not work, she does the "why bother, I'll only fail" routine.
On the cusp of turning 24, she is just starting to grasp the connection between cause and effect- that without effort on her part, nothing changes.
It's a cognitive maturity thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 234
He's right. There is only so much that one can gain from being in inpatient care for so long. I went to inpatient for 30 days and the same stuff is regurgitated over and over again with the same guest speakers. Half that time would have been more than enough. It can be easy to see how someone would want out early. At this point, he probably won't gain anymore knowledge or help from inpatient treatment.
When he does get out, try not to be highly overbearing. That may be a lot to ask, but he will need his space to get things done without people trying to be so vigilant of his actions. Certainly don't ask if he has been using/drinking. Time will tell.
When he does get out, try not to be highly overbearing. That may be a lot to ask, but he will need his space to get things done without people trying to be so vigilant of his actions. Certainly don't ask if he has been using/drinking. Time will tell.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 234
Originally Posted by kmangel
No way is two weeks enough time to come out of rehab. My son finished his 28 days in rehab, but when he came out is when we started hearing that he didn't need any more AA or NA meetings. Don't believe his excuses.
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