Codependent No More - Book Study: Chap. 9 - Undependence
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Codependent No More - Book Study: Chap. 9 - Undependence
Link to Chapter 8: Remove the Victim (and previous Chapters): http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2547826
Chapter 10 to go up Friday Evening
Codependent No More:
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
By Melodie Beattie
Book Study
CHAPTER 9 - Udependence
CHAPTER 9 - Udependence
Chapter 10 to go up Friday Evening
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
The cusp of this chapter seems to be that we can't live with them - Or without them. We fear being alone.
We don't know if we can take care of ourselves and more importantly. many of us just don't want to. "Whether codependents appear fragile and helpless, or sturdy and powerful, most of us are frightened, needy, vulnerable children who are aching and desperate to be loved and cared for. The child is us believes that we don't deserve to be loved or cared for. The child has been disappointed and subjected to various degrees of abuse. We latch on to someone sometimes soley based on fear of lonliness, alienation and pain.
We become dependent on those around us to give us validation, approval. It is good and normal for people to want close relationships with others. As codependents, we end up not wanting, but needing. We become a slave to the "need". Needing too much, others become the key to our happiness. We are insecure and see magic in others, but not ourselves. Needing and believing we are incapable of love - We can become blind to any real love we might have.
Because of our great need. We are vulnerable to attaching ourselves to sick people. People we don't even particularly like. We'll settle for almost anyone. We'll convince ourselves that we'll wither and die without someone. So, we'll tolerate abuse and neglect because this person has become our emotional security. We're now trapped and stuck.
Melonie explains to us that not all love is bad. That we can genuinly love our alcoholics and stay with them. But, if the driving force behind it is insecurity, we can find ourselves staying in a long dead relationship. We need to examine and shift the driving force if needed. If we don't we feel trapped. Emotional dependency, she says, can ruin a good relationship. We'll end up stifling ourselves and smother the other person.
Here are some "tricks" we use to guise or dependency:
Attaching magical qualities to someone
Seeing someone as less than what they really are (caretaking)
Some of us entered these relationships emotionally secure. Only to find that once in a relationship with a sick individual. Nothing can destroy emotional stability faster than being in these relationships. As their diseases demand that we center ourselves around it. "Confusion, despair, and chaos reign" We begin to question our own rational thinking. "the needs become greater and so does self doubt". We then stop caring for ourselves.
This chapter tells us there is a way out. We can care for ourselves. We are not helpless. We're not siamese twins. We can detach from these people. However, there's no magic cure. There's work to be done.
Here's some ideas that may help us on our way to undependence (paraphrased):
1.) Finish dealing with childhood issues. Allow ourselves a greiving period.
2.) Nature and cherish our inner child. The child may never disapeear and come out when we are stressed and least expect it too. We need to recognize this and allow the child to come out, but NOT to make choices for us.
3.) Stop looking for happiness outside of ourselves. Stop focusing on other people. Find and develop our inner sense of peace. Feed and water ourselves properly. Aim for our own approval.
4.) We can learn to depend on ourselves. "Stop abandoning ourselves, our needs, and wants.
5.) We can depend on god (the HP of our understanding) Our spiritual beliefs can give us inner peace and strength.
6.) Strive for undependence, examine and recognize how we are dependent on others emotionally and financially.
Many of use will have dark periods. Progress not perfection. We can get through the dark periods too, she explains. "You can take care of yourself and trust yourself. Trust God (or the HP of your own understanding). Go as far as you can see, and by the time you get there, you'll be able to see farther. It's called one day at a time".
Activity:
1.) Examine the following characteristics, and decide if you are in a dependent (addicted) or healthy (love) relationship.
The Charahteristics can be found in this online PDF document for those without a book: http://www.ta-tutor.com/webpdf/ram187.pdf
(these chapters seem like they're getting longer, I swear I would not be reading this book right now if I didn't commit myself to this)! <Grateful Hugs>
We don't know if we can take care of ourselves and more importantly. many of us just don't want to. "Whether codependents appear fragile and helpless, or sturdy and powerful, most of us are frightened, needy, vulnerable children who are aching and desperate to be loved and cared for. The child is us believes that we don't deserve to be loved or cared for. The child has been disappointed and subjected to various degrees of abuse. We latch on to someone sometimes soley based on fear of lonliness, alienation and pain.
We become dependent on those around us to give us validation, approval. It is good and normal for people to want close relationships with others. As codependents, we end up not wanting, but needing. We become a slave to the "need". Needing too much, others become the key to our happiness. We are insecure and see magic in others, but not ourselves. Needing and believing we are incapable of love - We can become blind to any real love we might have.
Because of our great need. We are vulnerable to attaching ourselves to sick people. People we don't even particularly like. We'll settle for almost anyone. We'll convince ourselves that we'll wither and die without someone. So, we'll tolerate abuse and neglect because this person has become our emotional security. We're now trapped and stuck.
Melonie explains to us that not all love is bad. That we can genuinly love our alcoholics and stay with them. But, if the driving force behind it is insecurity, we can find ourselves staying in a long dead relationship. We need to examine and shift the driving force if needed. If we don't we feel trapped. Emotional dependency, she says, can ruin a good relationship. We'll end up stifling ourselves and smother the other person.
Here are some "tricks" we use to guise or dependency:
Attaching magical qualities to someone
Seeing someone as less than what they really are (caretaking)
Some of us entered these relationships emotionally secure. Only to find that once in a relationship with a sick individual. Nothing can destroy emotional stability faster than being in these relationships. As their diseases demand that we center ourselves around it. "Confusion, despair, and chaos reign" We begin to question our own rational thinking. "the needs become greater and so does self doubt". We then stop caring for ourselves.
This chapter tells us there is a way out. We can care for ourselves. We are not helpless. We're not siamese twins. We can detach from these people. However, there's no magic cure. There's work to be done.
Here's some ideas that may help us on our way to undependence (paraphrased):
1.) Finish dealing with childhood issues. Allow ourselves a greiving period.
2.) Nature and cherish our inner child. The child may never disapeear and come out when we are stressed and least expect it too. We need to recognize this and allow the child to come out, but NOT to make choices for us.
3.) Stop looking for happiness outside of ourselves. Stop focusing on other people. Find and develop our inner sense of peace. Feed and water ourselves properly. Aim for our own approval.
4.) We can learn to depend on ourselves. "Stop abandoning ourselves, our needs, and wants.
5.) We can depend on god (the HP of our understanding) Our spiritual beliefs can give us inner peace and strength.
6.) Strive for undependence, examine and recognize how we are dependent on others emotionally and financially.
Many of use will have dark periods. Progress not perfection. We can get through the dark periods too, she explains. "You can take care of yourself and trust yourself. Trust God (or the HP of your own understanding). Go as far as you can see, and by the time you get there, you'll be able to see farther. It's called one day at a time".
Activity:
1.) Examine the following characteristics, and decide if you are in a dependent (addicted) or healthy (love) relationship.
The Charahteristics can be found in this online PDF document for those without a book: http://www.ta-tutor.com/webpdf/ram187.pdf
(these chapters seem like they're getting longer, I swear I would not be reading this book right now if I didn't commit myself to this)! <Grateful Hugs>
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I haven't finished the chapter, but I was in a convo with my mom and she asked what I was deeply afraid of for the future (hers is being in a skilled nursing facility trapped in a non-working body).
I said my biggest fear was staying with my husband and having kids and having him get worse and be mean to and traumatize our kids or divorcing him later and causing the kids to suffer his anger and sadness and upset.
I was struck that my biggest fear isn't about me. It's about my children (which I don't even have!!). My mom said it struck her that my unborn had more value than I had. I feared more for them than for myself.
I know I can deal with my husband if he gets worse, but I know kids don't have the understanding to process it. But maybe that is just intellectualize and I really don't value myself enough to worry over myself? Maybe in wanting to protect my future children I am trying to protect my own little girl who was left by dad? Emotionally disconnected from mom?
I think I choose partners that are emotionally unavailable as my "unfinished business."
~~~~~
I feel like when she says, "Our expectations drop below normal", I have no idea what normal is. Part of me wants perfection - I pick on my partner's faults and don't let them be. Part of me knows that's unreasonable. Part of me doesn't stand up for myself and I stay in relationships (in the past) that are unhealthy. I am a mess in the middle.
~~~~
I really get the care taking she talks about. I tend to choose partners that are emotionally protected. I use my husband's wounds as an excuse.
He's emotionally shut down or sensitive or grumpy because...he's under stress getting his degree. He is upset about his illness. He is stressed about not having a job. He is stressed about not liking his job. He is stressed about not liking where we live. He is stressed being on vacation in a country where he doesn't speak the language. He is afraid of being late to this event, etc. etc. So I will be extra understanding because...it is his birthday. We are on vacation. He is going through a lot, etc.
~~~~
I said my biggest fear was staying with my husband and having kids and having him get worse and be mean to and traumatize our kids or divorcing him later and causing the kids to suffer his anger and sadness and upset.
I was struck that my biggest fear isn't about me. It's about my children (which I don't even have!!). My mom said it struck her that my unborn had more value than I had. I feared more for them than for myself.
I know I can deal with my husband if he gets worse, but I know kids don't have the understanding to process it. But maybe that is just intellectualize and I really don't value myself enough to worry over myself? Maybe in wanting to protect my future children I am trying to protect my own little girl who was left by dad? Emotionally disconnected from mom?
I think I choose partners that are emotionally unavailable as my "unfinished business."
~~~~~
I feel like when she says, "Our expectations drop below normal", I have no idea what normal is. Part of me wants perfection - I pick on my partner's faults and don't let them be. Part of me knows that's unreasonable. Part of me doesn't stand up for myself and I stay in relationships (in the past) that are unhealthy. I am a mess in the middle.
~~~~
I really get the care taking she talks about. I tend to choose partners that are emotionally protected. I use my husband's wounds as an excuse.
He's emotionally shut down or sensitive or grumpy because...he's under stress getting his degree. He is upset about his illness. He is stressed about not having a job. He is stressed about not liking his job. He is stressed about not liking where we live. He is stressed being on vacation in a country where he doesn't speak the language. He is afraid of being late to this event, etc. etc. So I will be extra understanding because...it is his birthday. We are on vacation. He is going through a lot, etc.
~~~~
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I assessed for both of us unless otherwise stated.
Addiction (closed system)
* Dependent
* preoccupation of other's behavior, dependent on other's approval
* not jealousy, but lack of trust and openness
* one partner's needs suspended for the other
* search for perfect invulnerability (my husband)
* little room for exploration of feelings (my husband)
* intolerance of separations (often my husband)
* violent ending with breakup (hubby in past)
* denial and fantasy
* seek solutions outside of self
* feel inadequate with breakups (me sometimes; don't know about hubby cuz he won't talk about past relationships at all)
Love (open system)
* Separate interests, etc. (for me, but not as much for my husband)
* willingness to risk and be real (me)
* room for exploration of feelings (me)
* ability to enjoy being alone (me and husband sometimes)
* wants best for partner in breakup (me in past)
that's uncomfortable to admit.
Addiction (closed system)
* Dependent
* preoccupation of other's behavior, dependent on other's approval
* not jealousy, but lack of trust and openness
* one partner's needs suspended for the other
* search for perfect invulnerability (my husband)
* little room for exploration of feelings (my husband)
* intolerance of separations (often my husband)
* violent ending with breakup (hubby in past)
* denial and fantasy
* seek solutions outside of self
* feel inadequate with breakups (me sometimes; don't know about hubby cuz he won't talk about past relationships at all)
Love (open system)
* Separate interests, etc. (for me, but not as much for my husband)
* willingness to risk and be real (me)
* room for exploration of feelings (me)
* ability to enjoy being alone (me and husband sometimes)
* wants best for partner in breakup (me in past)
that's uncomfortable to admit.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Wow wife - That could be used as an example of how I outta do the activities!
This I liked:
"I was struck that my biggest fear isn't about me. It's about my children (which I don't even have!!)"
You know you're a codie when... you put people who don't even exist in front of yourself! ;-)
This I liked:
"I was struck that my biggest fear isn't about me. It's about my children (which I don't even have!!)"
You know you're a codie when... you put people who don't even exist in front of yourself! ;-)
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Okay, here I go:
Open System:
Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow
Separate interests; other friends; maintain other
meaningful relationships
Ability to enjoy being alone
Encouragement of each others expanding
secure in own worth
Willingness to risk and be real
Wants best for partner, though
apart, can be friends.
Closed System:
Jealousy, possessiveness, fears competition
protects "supply"
One partners needs suspended for the
others self-deprivation
Accept break-up without feeling a loss
of own adequacy and self worth
Interesting. As far as my marriage goes. I did all sorts of things on my own and liked it. I have a flurry of recovery friends. I tried to lift him up. I wanted him to get a sense of growth. Tried,- too darn hard.
The closed system defect of "Accept break-up without feeling a loss of own adequacy and self worth" Was a strong force as to why I stayed. We seperated for three weeks months ago and I was all bent out of shape. Due to this one defective closed trait mostly. I read that codependents are loyalists. The word loyalist stuck with me because that's what I am. Breaking the loyalty is very difficult for me. The open love system here is me I did not get much from the open love system back.
Open System:
Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow
Separate interests; other friends; maintain other
meaningful relationships
Ability to enjoy being alone
Encouragement of each others expanding
secure in own worth
Willingness to risk and be real
Wants best for partner, though
apart, can be friends.
Closed System:
Jealousy, possessiveness, fears competition
protects "supply"
One partners needs suspended for the
others self-deprivation
Accept break-up without feeling a loss
of own adequacy and self worth
Interesting. As far as my marriage goes. I did all sorts of things on my own and liked it. I have a flurry of recovery friends. I tried to lift him up. I wanted him to get a sense of growth. Tried,- too darn hard.
The closed system defect of "Accept break-up without feeling a loss of own adequacy and self worth" Was a strong force as to why I stayed. We seperated for three weeks months ago and I was all bent out of shape. Due to this one defective closed trait mostly. I read that codependents are loyalists. The word loyalist stuck with me because that's what I am. Breaking the loyalty is very difficult for me. The open love system here is me I did not get much from the open love system back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
Some of us entered these relationships emotionally secure. Only to find that once in a relationship with a sick individual. Nothing can destroy emotional stability faster than being in these relationships. As their diseases demand that we center ourselves around it. "Confusion, despair, and chaos reign" We begin to question our own rational thinking. "the needs become greater and so does self doubt". We then stop caring for ourselves.
But my ex's pattern is a bit different. He needed to control me in the relationship, but it was subtle. I had to join Al Anon and explore his religion (mormonism) with him. We would pray together and the prayers would often feel like subtle guidances (he always said the prayers). My natural instinct in the relationship was to let him run the show, and as a result, my needs didn't get met. I completely subjugated myself. That wasn't totally his fault but I did learn very early on that my needs weren't important because they weren't even acknowledged.
So now we had some contact this week and I told him that I had to construct some walls because my boundaries are poor due to a recently discovered love addiction problem that I have. And it's like I didn't say anything. He spiritually bombed me! I got an email abuot how much he loves me and how much I mean to him and how glad he is that I'm in recovery. And it completely triggered me, again.
I feel weird about that. From our exchange it would seem I am the one who can't be healthy. But something about his email triggered this feeling of abandonment in me. I don't quite understand it, it was like he was saying, "Aha, I get it now, *you're* the sick one". I guess in a way it's more negation of the validity of the things I wanted from the relationship (namely, commitment and stability) but never got, and was actually told I didn't deserve because of my "behavior".
So this trait I find very confusing -- the one where an "open" love system means that you should be able to be friends with the person and wish them well after a breakup. I certainly don't wish him unwell, but I'm still feeling the pain of not having my needs met, or frankly even acknowledged. And with all of the threats of cheating, and telling me I wasn't marriage material, etc., this sudden kumbaya vibe doesn't sit well with me. He could never be this nice when we were together, why now? Perhaps that is what makes me feel abandoned, for only in leaving me can he actually admit he even likes me.
Ultimately in the past month, despite the sad feelings now and again, I am much, much happier, more serene, more peaceful, and more able to focus on what is *my* life. I have been able to show up for myself. Being with chaotic dry alcoholic guy did not afford me this kind of stability. And so now begins the difficult work of piecing a life together for myself, where there wasn't much of one before...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
whoa, right now i am identifying with both the addiction and love posts by wife poster... which has got me in a a right ol heap of confusion. feeling mighty dis-satisfied at the moment and guilty too.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
XAH and I had a very closed relationship according to the list of characteristics. So glad I'm not in it with him any more!
I found that parts of this chapter signal where I still have work to do. I had abandoned myself. I wrestle with the thoughts that I am unlovable and people will never be there for me. I didn't/don't think I'm that 'needy' but I identify with so much of this chapter that I need to re evaluate this! With XAH, I too had a 'go along' attitude and I couldn't even contemplate leaving him even when my counsellor suggested I think about it as an option! I was up to my eyes in denial. Looking back on everything I endured I lose the fragile trust in myself I had started to cultivate. I'm still not sure I can take care of me 'properly'. I wonder who I think is sitting in judgement!
Melody's first suggestion on how to be undependant is a biggie for me.
And, thinking about the third one, I've decided that the single life is for me! I'm only interested in a relationship with myself and BOB. Where I get myself tied up in knots is when I think about friendships and how I relate to someone there. Can I go too far in striving for undependance here? I hate relying on anyone for help and have a hard time asking my friends for it - I don't want to inflict myself on them!! Am I reacting to my codependency and striving to be in 'perfect isolation'? Maybe...
As an atheist, I struggle with Melody's God in this book. 'He' doesn't match my idea of a HP and this strikes a bum note with me every time I read it.
On to the next chapter - but this one covered such a lot of ground!
I found that parts of this chapter signal where I still have work to do. I had abandoned myself. I wrestle with the thoughts that I am unlovable and people will never be there for me. I didn't/don't think I'm that 'needy' but I identify with so much of this chapter that I need to re evaluate this! With XAH, I too had a 'go along' attitude and I couldn't even contemplate leaving him even when my counsellor suggested I think about it as an option! I was up to my eyes in denial. Looking back on everything I endured I lose the fragile trust in myself I had started to cultivate. I'm still not sure I can take care of me 'properly'. I wonder who I think is sitting in judgement!
Melody's first suggestion on how to be undependant is a biggie for me.
And, thinking about the third one, I've decided that the single life is for me! I'm only interested in a relationship with myself and BOB. Where I get myself tied up in knots is when I think about friendships and how I relate to someone there. Can I go too far in striving for undependance here? I hate relying on anyone for help and have a hard time asking my friends for it - I don't want to inflict myself on them!! Am I reacting to my codependency and striving to be in 'perfect isolation'? Maybe...
As an atheist, I struggle with Melody's God in this book. 'He' doesn't match my idea of a HP and this strikes a bum note with me every time I read it.
On to the next chapter - but this one covered such a lot of ground!
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Originally Posted by bookwyrm 
XAH and I had a very closed relationship according to the list of characteristics. So glad I'm not in it with him any more!
I found that parts of this chapter signal where I still have work to do. I had abandoned myself. I wrestle with the thoughts that I am unlovable and people will never be there for me. I didn't/don't think I'm that 'needy' but I identify with so much of this chapter that I need to re evaluate this! With XAH, I too had a 'go along' attitude and I couldn't even contemplate leaving him even when my counsellor suggested I think about it as an option! I was up to my eyes in denial. Looking back on everything I endured I lose the fragile trust in myself I had started to cultivate. I'm still not sure I can take care of me 'properly'. I wonder who I think is sitting in judgement!
Melody's first suggestion on how to be undependant is a biggie for me.
And, thinking about the third one, I've decided that the single life is for me! I'm only interested in a relationship with myself and BOB. Where I get myself tied up in knots is when I think about friendships and how I relate to someone there. Can I go too far in striving for undependance here? I hate relying on anyone for help and have a hard time asking my friends for it - I don't want to inflict myself on them!! Am I reacting to my codependency and striving to be in 'perfect isolation'? Maybe...
As an atheist, I struggle with Melody's God in this book. 'He' doesn't match my idea of a HP and this strikes a bum note with me every time I read it.
On to the next chapter - but this one covered such a lot of ground!
I found that parts of this chapter signal where I still have work to do. I had abandoned myself. I wrestle with the thoughts that I am unlovable and people will never be there for me. I didn't/don't think I'm that 'needy' but I identify with so much of this chapter that I need to re evaluate this! With XAH, I too had a 'go along' attitude and I couldn't even contemplate leaving him even when my counsellor suggested I think about it as an option! I was up to my eyes in denial. Looking back on everything I endured I lose the fragile trust in myself I had started to cultivate. I'm still not sure I can take care of me 'properly'. I wonder who I think is sitting in judgement!
Melody's first suggestion on how to be undependant is a biggie for me.
And, thinking about the third one, I've decided that the single life is for me! I'm only interested in a relationship with myself and BOB. Where I get myself tied up in knots is when I think about friendships and how I relate to someone there. Can I go too far in striving for undependance here? I hate relying on anyone for help and have a hard time asking my friends for it - I don't want to inflict myself on them!! Am I reacting to my codependency and striving to be in 'perfect isolation'? Maybe...
As an atheist, I struggle with Melody's God in this book. 'He' doesn't match my idea of a HP and this strikes a bum note with me every time I read it.
On to the next chapter - but this one covered such a lot of ground!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Maui, HI
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by alanonicnov2008
A
So this trait I find very confusing -- the one where an "open" love system means that you should be able to be friends with the person and wish them well after a breakup. I certainly don't wish him unwell, but I'm still feeling the pain of not having my needs met, or frankly even acknowledged.
So this trait I find very confusing -- the one where an "open" love system means that you should be able to be friends with the person and wish them well after a breakup. I certainly don't wish him unwell, but I'm still feeling the pain of not having my needs met, or frankly even acknowledged.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Maui, HI
Posts: 26
Ok,
Open System
*room to grow
* trust, openness
* willingness to risk
* room for exploration of feelings
* ability to enjoy being alone
Closed System
* total involvement
* preoccupation with other's behavior
* one partner's needs suspended
Well, a few weeks ago, I would have had none in the open side so I am very grateful that I am seeing such growth! Of course, looking at my weaknesses it is obvious I need a life or at least a hobby...
Open System
*room to grow
* trust, openness
* willingness to risk
* room for exploration of feelings
* ability to enjoy being alone
Closed System
* total involvement
* preoccupation with other's behavior
* one partner's needs suspended
Well, a few weeks ago, I would have had none in the open side so I am very grateful that I am seeing such growth! Of course, looking at my weaknesses it is obvious I need a life or at least a hobby...
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
I will try again later, but the link under the "activity" seems to be broken. This is what I got when I clicked on it
The requested page "/webpdf/ram187.pdf" could not be found.
If anyone has another link, that would be helpful. TFLMS.
The requested page "/webpdf/ram187.pdf" could not be found.
If anyone has another link, that would be helpful. TFLMS.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 1
Childhood issues seem to take such a long time to deal with...arrhhh
I just want to move on with my life and be free, but i also know that i am
the only one holding myself back through my codependent patterns.
I have been great at taking care of others yet I wonder if I could take
care of myself. I accept my inner child and I want to take care of her,
so I am becoming my own parent. I ve given up the effort to find
sober earthly parents who can give me what i have never had as a little girl,
unconditional love and acceptance. I am trying to give that to myself now..
and accept it from God. looking back, It was so silly to try and force people to fill that void, to give me that love and affection, to give my little girl that tenderness, when most, or all of the time these people 'parent stand -ins' were empty themselves. and looking to be filled with love. now i understand the saying "two empty halves don't make a whole".
its been an amazing process but it still hurts at times to finally realize all
the things that my little girl (inner child) didn't get. i guess its part of the grieving process? I m not angry anymore, unless provoked lol. I am just sad . And i still blame parents but i guess that 's futile. I am working on me.
I just want to move on with my life and be free, but i also know that i am
the only one holding myself back through my codependent patterns.
I have been great at taking care of others yet I wonder if I could take
care of myself. I accept my inner child and I want to take care of her,
so I am becoming my own parent. I ve given up the effort to find
sober earthly parents who can give me what i have never had as a little girl,
unconditional love and acceptance. I am trying to give that to myself now..
and accept it from God. looking back, It was so silly to try and force people to fill that void, to give me that love and affection, to give my little girl that tenderness, when most, or all of the time these people 'parent stand -ins' were empty themselves. and looking to be filled with love. now i understand the saying "two empty halves don't make a whole".
its been an amazing process but it still hurts at times to finally realize all
the things that my little girl (inner child) didn't get. i guess its part of the grieving process? I m not angry anymore, unless provoked lol. I am just sad . And i still blame parents but i guess that 's futile. I am working on me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by alcoholics wife
There are so many codependency no more books from the author Melody. I want to read it but am confused about which one to buy?!
I believe there are a few "recommended reading" threads on the site. Here's one from the stickies at the top of the page to get you started: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...book-club.html
BTW, this thread is old (most posts from 2010). You might want to start a fresh thread to generate more traffic.
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