roandlan

OK, maybe this will actually work if I don't have to pretend I believe in god. That's a relief.
First day trying hard, and reading posts, and so far that Coronita at 7 this morning has been my last drink. Of the day. I've never done aa but have obviously been rooting around looking for guidance and have picked up on their helpful slogans and often humorous self-analysis (Block's Matthew Scudder genre fiction series gave me a glimpse). I want that, but this higher power stuff doesn't resonate with me at all; I am firmly in the agnostic camp and don't really think it is my business to pretend to know if there is a god or not- I have a hard enough time getting through real life, never mind some theoretical afterlife....
Besides, my Grateful Dead years did a great job convincing me that my brain can be manipulated by chemicals into believing pretty much anything. Boy, that was fun, but only because I was basically a blank slate, at this point I would not want to take a stroll through my brain- too much guilt and regret. I am 45 now, lucky to be alive.

I've got a really high tolerance for alcohol now, it is pretty scary how much I have to drink just to feel it, and it obviously shows a lot more than I think that I am drunk a lot of the time (my family is worried). I feel like this is my last shot at quitting drinking without making a HUGE fuss and checking into rehab and admitting to all and sundry that I'm a drunk. I can admit it to me, and to you guys. I hope my dumb addiction doesn't kick my ass again. Can I do it? Quietly, with maybe some ativan (I hear myself, I do, but just for the first couple of days that I'm sure will be quite cruddy...)?
??? It does help to vent, I'm been pretty verbose today. It's a relief. I'm worried. Any advice (already on the "new" forum people have been very kind) is very welcome.

GlassPrisoner

Not a good sign. Increased tolerance. My last year or two I had steady BAL of at least .2 24 x 7. At my last de-tox (which did absolutely no good), I walked in with a .52. Aren't you supposed to , like, die when you're over .35 or .4 ?

What happens when you quit ? Have you experienced withdraw yet ? Whoo boy, that's a lot of fun. Not. The last one almost killed me, my BP was something like 210/160. Ativan ? I used to chase it with warm Vodka from the trunk.

Wish you the best. Hang on, it's a tough ride. Others will be here shortly with more secular experience than I have, so all I can share with you is my drunkalog.

roandlan

Yeah, I know what you mean. Ativan was for anxiety, from the doctor, but booze works better, and Ativan works better with booze too; I basically saved a few tabs for this day, I am trying to quit and am seriously worried about the shakey sweats. I had a pretty bad speed habit growing up, and dabbled in base and then coke was killing me so I moved away from San Francisco, and that actually worked- that was 12 years ago. I thought the whole red wine thing was pretty quaint, but have increased alcohol use steadily and now am dramatically a drunk. I don't like it. I sense a pattern, I am so damn bright, huh? I hope I can stop. Writing about it helps keep my hands busy... it's only been 11 hours at this point.

Mongo

Hi Roandlan Welcome to the secular forum.

Might be a good idea to see your doctor about withdrawls.

Here's a good thread from the alcoholism forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-expect.html

Another good thread lists secular recovery programs: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cular-web.html

So, good luck to you. Getting through the first few days is quite a challenge. There's a lot of good reading here at SR and it sure helped me in early recovery.

Keep well

Ron

tyler

11 hours is a good start. It would probably be a good idea to talk to your doctor, or if you don't have one, at least a doctor. Talking to a doc is like talking to a priest, they can't share what they discuss with you unless you give them permission. (Of course I'm not religious, but I think that's how the priest thing works!!) Be honest with him, it is highly unlikely that you are the first person with a drinking problem he has talked to. He or she (gotta be PC!!) will not judge you, but can be a helpful resource in quitting.

I've always found it a bit ironic that detoxing from herion won't kill you, you may wish you were dead (from what I understand it's pretty bad) but detoxing from alcohol, a "legal" drug, can. It depends on how much you are drinking, how often, etc., and I can't begin, and wouldn't even want to, give you advice about that. When you are dealing with you life it's best to involve a trained professional. I know it's hard to "fess up" to someone in person but it really is a good idea.

As far as secular help goes...you might want to look into SMART recovery. Here is a link to their site:http://www.smartrecovery.org/ They have online meetings as well as face to face meetings. You can find out more about their program at their website. I've found it to be very helpful. If you are interested in F2F meetings, here are some in your area http://www.smartrecovery.org/meeting...e.php?search=O

Lifering is another secular organization that has online meetings as well as F2F. Here is their website http://www.unhooked.com/index.htm They have a very active chat room that you can usually find someone in almost any time of day. They also hold online meetings there as well. They have a F2F meeting in Salem, which doesn't look too far away. Here's the link for their meeting list. http://www.unhooked.com/meetings/meetings.html#3

There is also a sticky at the top of the forum here that lists a number of other secular programs. Hope this helps, and hope to see you around more. Take care.

roandlan

Thank you guys so much for your help. I have checked out the withdrawal stuff; wow. Made it through the night, watched "Little House On The Prairie" with the fam. That Michael Landon is enough to drive ya to drink, I tell you what.

Good advice about a doctor's help- my doctor is clueless (plus this is an EXTREMELY small town full of fundamentalists who are already pretty suspicious of the city girl and her family- my youngest daughter is Chinese- we rocked the county statistics with our move here 2 years ago). I will have to go to Portland to get a good doc; and then isn't it on insurance records and such? I have high BP (wonder why) and take Inderal for that, am on vitamins 'specially B complex because of what I've read about deficiencies in alcoholics.
Good sites; thank you all for your care in not giving med advice (and not being sued) and especially because it seems like you mean it. I think it is going to be harder than I think.
Will invest in new cds instead of vodka this weekend, and if I have to have the 'flu and take to my bed with my computer- shoot, I get to keep some stuff secret, right? Vic Mackie, in response to "Don't you ever want to just come clean?" "No."
14 hours & counting, also taking the damn sleeping pills, thank you very much. I wonder how they'll work without the added fuel.

tyler

I wouldn't worry too much about the insurance thing. If it really bothers you, suck it up and pay for the first office visit and talk to the doctor about your concens. An office visit usually isn't more than $100-$150, you should be able to pay that back in alcohol savings in a few weeks. Honestly, I really wouldn't worry about it though. It's not like the insurance company is going to share that information with anyone you know anyway. Ask the doctor just exactly what they have to be told, to ease you fears. You may be able to find that out over the phone when you make an appointment.

Does your family have any idea what is going on? Even if you don't think they do, they probably do. Hopefully they will be supportive. You probably will be a bit of a pain to be around for awhile, but honestly, you've probably been a pain, or at least a worry with your drinking. Try not to beat yourself up too much. I say this, but I am probably one of the worst at doing it!! I'm working on it!! Congrats on making it through the day. Take care,

Zencat

Hi Roandlan, welcome to the Secular Forum.

You have gotten some great replies here. I know all to well the roller coaster you are on and I see you are well on your way to a better life of clarity, hope, and self-respect.

One pragmatic thing that helped me in the first week was to write down everything I hated about drinking on an index card and carry it around with me to look at when an urge hit - Make it vivid and specific.


I find addiction recovery exceedingly rewarding and pleasurable without having to believe in an invisible gaseous vertebrate that resides in the clouds. I think it helps me to stay focused on the real business of staying sober, without the immense distraction: like being persuaded that God or The Flying Spaghetti Monster exists. I got enough problems to deal with as it is.