Attending Meetings - Should you Go with Spouse or BF/GF?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Attending Meetings - Should you Go with Spouse or BF/GF?
My sponsor (Alanon) advised me my ABF and I should attend one meeting a week together, either Alanon or AA. His sponsor says we should not. I would like to hear pros and cons from others, where it has helped their relationship, hurt it, made you uncomfortable, etc.
Personally, I think it is weird that my ABF is set against it. I suggested we attend a meeting that neither of us goes to individually. That way both of us feel comfortable to share at other times.
Thanks for your input.
Personally, I think it is weird that my ABF is set against it. I suggested we attend a meeting that neither of us goes to individually. That way both of us feel comfortable to share at other times.
Thanks for your input.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
My husband and I have a large home group. Once a month we have our meetings together and when someone gets a big chip like 5, 10, 20 year, al anon often joins them in AA to celebrate the birthday.
We find it beneficial to hear what other alcoholics have been through, lets us know sometimes ours isn't the only on that acted that way. The A's say it is very good for them to hear our stories too, our A's say they need to hear our side too so they don't forget how many and how much they hurt others.
We find it enlightening and look forward to it, but that is us. You may be too early in recovery or it may just not be right for you. It is an individual choice. We do attend a couple open meetings here and there as well. There we have made some wonderful friends.....for us a friday night out is supper with some other program couples and then a meeting. Doesn't get any better than that.
We find it beneficial to hear what other alcoholics have been through, lets us know sometimes ours isn't the only on that acted that way. The A's say it is very good for them to hear our stories too, our A's say they need to hear our side too so they don't forget how many and how much they hurt others.
We find it enlightening and look forward to it, but that is us. You may be too early in recovery or it may just not be right for you. It is an individual choice. We do attend a couple open meetings here and there as well. There we have made some wonderful friends.....for us a friday night out is supper with some other program couples and then a meeting. Doesn't get any better than that.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
If you are both in very early recovery...his sponsor most likely
is following the AA Big Book advice that the man should have
some time under his belt before the family is brought in.
That was written before Alanon started...now you have your
own program..for you. It will help you both let go of the
lethal and elusive fight for contol you have both been in
lately...the dance of the alkie and the codependent.
A breather for your souls.
Allow his sponsor to work on him....later on I believe meetings
together would be great..
Love,
:
Sherry
is following the AA Big Book advice that the man should have
some time under his belt before the family is brought in.
That was written before Alanon started...now you have your
own program..for you. It will help you both let go of the
lethal and elusive fight for contol you have both been in
lately...the dance of the alkie and the codependent.
A breather for your souls.
Allow his sponsor to work on him....later on I believe meetings
together would be great..
Love,
:Sherry
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
different strokes for different folks.
Ive been in AA/Al-anon for many years now,and so has hub.Neither of us goes to each others meetings....Hands of his recovery,is what i follow.And he ,mine.smile.
Ive been in AA/Al-anon for many years now,and so has hub.Neither of us goes to each others meetings....Hands of his recovery,is what i follow.And he ,mine.smile.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I can only speak to my own experience with this. I went and I could have choked every person in the AA meeting. Now let me qualify that. My ex went because he was in hot water with the law. He did it to make himself look good. As the heat became less so did his meeting attendence.
Being the little helper that I was, I offered to go with him, I di this in an attempt to manipulate his efforts to keep going.
Well, he said OK as he had a distant court appearance and he knew he better go to look legit.
I went. It was a crowded room. Lots of coffee. The meeting came to order and a man got up to speak. He told his story and people applauded all along the way.
He said he drank, cheated countless times, lied to his wife, hit his wife, took money from her purse, he got an STD and didn't tell his wife. He left her high and dry with their kids and ran off with a bar girl. He stayed with her until she had him arrested for assault. Well the sory went on and on, he talked about how he made his mother cry. I was FUMING! I thought, Hey buddy! you just casually metnioned about 15 people you devastated and now people are applauding you?
I was young, I was niave, I was not in my own recovery. I think about that meeting once in a while and I now realzie that it's their meeting. Th eonly thing worse than hearing that story was not hearing it. I think it's best to leave that space for them. If my presence there made anyone uncomfortable, I'd feel terrible.
I think you have to be along in your own recovery to benefit from going.
Being the little helper that I was, I offered to go with him, I di this in an attempt to manipulate his efforts to keep going.
Well, he said OK as he had a distant court appearance and he knew he better go to look legit.
I went. It was a crowded room. Lots of coffee. The meeting came to order and a man got up to speak. He told his story and people applauded all along the way.
He said he drank, cheated countless times, lied to his wife, hit his wife, took money from her purse, he got an STD and didn't tell his wife. He left her high and dry with their kids and ran off with a bar girl. He stayed with her until she had him arrested for assault. Well the sory went on and on, he talked about how he made his mother cry. I was FUMING! I thought, Hey buddy! you just casually metnioned about 15 people you devastated and now people are applauding you?
I was young, I was niave, I was not in my own recovery. I think about that meeting once in a while and I now realzie that it's their meeting. Th eonly thing worse than hearing that story was not hearing it. I think it's best to leave that space for them. If my presence there made anyone uncomfortable, I'd feel terrible.
I think you have to be along in your own recovery to benefit from going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
I have attended meetings with friends before, I only like going to one with guest speakers whose stories are more inspirational than bragging rights. Your experience really made me think, maybe that is why he doesn't want me to go, it might open the Pandora's box, etc.
I am on the fence about this. I prefer knowing the truth good or bad. It helps me to understand and really figure out if this is what I really want.
I am on the fence about this. I prefer knowing the truth good or bad. It helps me to understand and really figure out if this is what I really want.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Probably the biggest part of the alcoholic's recovery is practicing rigorous honesty
in all our affairs.
Our program teaches we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on
it...that no matter how far down the scale we have gone...our experience can be
shared if it is beneficial to others..(alcoholics struggling to get ot maintain sobriety)
I agree with those who have shared that a codie must be strong in their own
recovery before getting involved in any way with a loved one's program
for just that reason.....and vice versa.....to prevent further damage.
Recovering alkie/codie here.....
Love,
Sherry
in all our affairs.
Our program teaches we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on
it...that no matter how far down the scale we have gone...our experience can be
shared if it is beneficial to others..(alcoholics struggling to get ot maintain sobriety)
I agree with those who have shared that a codie must be strong in their own
recovery before getting involved in any way with a loved one's program
for just that reason.....and vice versa.....to prevent further damage.
Recovering alkie/codie here.....
Love,
Sherry
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by denny57 
I think each person has to make their own decisions on what is best for their personal recovery. If your boyfriend is set against it right now, I'd let it be.
Ya, agreed, and if you are still interested, go to an open meeting without your boyfriend, that way there is no discomfort for him and you can still have the learning experience you seek.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by venusinlibra
I am on the fence about this. I prefer knowing the truth good or bad. It helps me to understand and really figure out if this is what I really want.
Are you saying you want to hear your boyfriend's shares/stories - the truth, good or bad? If so, I'd have to wonder if I pushed to attend meetings together if he ever would share. Then what? Do I force how his recovery is done? How many resentments would build from this?
As harleygirl suggests, I found open AA meetings extremely helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
No, I meant attend open meetings once a week together. A meeting where he DOES NOT share. Here on Friday nights we have a rather large meeting with over 200 people who attend to hear a guest speaker. No one shares at the meeting. I figured that was real neutral.
He says he wants to keep his AA life and our private life seperate. Although he attend meetings about five times a week. I think there is something more. In the beginning, he wanted me to go...actually insisted. After I agreed, he changed his mind.
I told him I am going to go to a meeting regardless with our without him. My sponsor has suggested attend one open meeting a week...so I will give it a try.
He says he wants to keep his AA life and our private life seperate. Although he attend meetings about five times a week. I think there is something more. In the beginning, he wanted me to go...actually insisted. After I agreed, he changed his mind.
I told him I am going to go to a meeting regardless with our without him. My sponsor has suggested attend one open meeting a week...so I will give it a try.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
If he has a discomfort with you going, I wouldn't go. The meeting is for alcoholics not for alanon members to impose themselves in. If he were feeling like it was a support measure, fine. If it may discourage him from going, no way would I go. Frankly, it may be a great idea but maybe he isn't ready for it yet.
Vulnerabilites are revealed at these meetings. I wouldn't appreciate an alcoholic coming to an alanon meeting because it would stop feeling like a safe place for me to be. I don't think it's a matter of our rights, I think it's an opportunity to respect each other. Why not run it all past whoever leads the meetings?
This reminds me once of a court date I had to discuss child support. There was a man with my ex husband that I never saw before. As court started, I asked the Judge if I might ask who this man was? My ex chimed right up and said this is my AA sponsor and he's here to give me moral support.
I said to the Judge that my financial arrangements is none of this mans business. There was a time and place for this mans support but it wasn't in court hashing over my personal financial affairs. This is court not an AA meeting. I felt he could be supportive from the lobby. The Judge agreed and sent him out. This man thought he had every right to be there never once considering my end of it.
It made me mad. It never occurred to this man that what was being dicussed was none of his buisness.
If your husband has a discomfort with you going what benfit is your sponsor suggesting will come of it if you go anyway?
I have a growing discomfort with some of this stuff.
Vulnerabilites are revealed at these meetings. I wouldn't appreciate an alcoholic coming to an alanon meeting because it would stop feeling like a safe place for me to be. I don't think it's a matter of our rights, I think it's an opportunity to respect each other. Why not run it all past whoever leads the meetings?
This reminds me once of a court date I had to discuss child support. There was a man with my ex husband that I never saw before. As court started, I asked the Judge if I might ask who this man was? My ex chimed right up and said this is my AA sponsor and he's here to give me moral support.
I said to the Judge that my financial arrangements is none of this mans business. There was a time and place for this mans support but it wasn't in court hashing over my personal financial affairs. This is court not an AA meeting. I felt he could be supportive from the lobby. The Judge agreed and sent him out. This man thought he had every right to be there never once considering my end of it.
It made me mad. It never occurred to this man that what was being dicussed was none of his buisness.
If your husband has a discomfort with you going what benfit is your sponsor suggesting will come of it if you go anyway?
I have a growing discomfort with some of this stuff.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
After I kicked my XABF out he decided to "get serious" about his recovery. I put that in quotes because he used these meetings and his recovery as a way to rope back any part of me he could, friendship included. I went to see him get his 6 month chip and we would go to meetings together - I did stop short of going to one he really wanted me to attend where he would tell his story (how he hurt me).
When I went with him to get his 6 month chip, I ran into his sponsor there (who used to be our couples counselor) who turned to me and said with an attitude, "Guess you decided to come and hang out with us alcoholics, eh?"
As soon as we were good friends again, it became all about him again and the demands came flying at me (talk to your counselor about being my girlfriend again, etc.), followed by promptly throwing me out of his life because we were incompatible (as friends mind you) when I wouldn't let him use me for sex.
Now, I feel weird about going back to my al-anon meetings, because some of the people who were at his meetings that he is friends with also attend my al-anon meeting. I'm afraid he will try to break the wonderful no-contact I've got going by using them to get to me, or asking them about me.
He would always refer to al-anon as the dark side or evil side, or some stupid negative slang, as a way to say to me that he did not want to go to any al-anon meetings. He backed this up by saying everyone in AA refers to it as this - which is false as I've gone to about 50 AA meetings over the years with him and I never once heard it spoken of that way, except from him.
It's up to you whether or not you want to go - just make sure you are working on your recovery too, not just his.
I'm still bitter about it...
When I went with him to get his 6 month chip, I ran into his sponsor there (who used to be our couples counselor) who turned to me and said with an attitude, "Guess you decided to come and hang out with us alcoholics, eh?"
As soon as we were good friends again, it became all about him again and the demands came flying at me (talk to your counselor about being my girlfriend again, etc.), followed by promptly throwing me out of his life because we were incompatible (as friends mind you) when I wouldn't let him use me for sex.
Now, I feel weird about going back to my al-anon meetings, because some of the people who were at his meetings that he is friends with also attend my al-anon meeting. I'm afraid he will try to break the wonderful no-contact I've got going by using them to get to me, or asking them about me.
He would always refer to al-anon as the dark side or evil side, or some stupid negative slang, as a way to say to me that he did not want to go to any al-anon meetings. He backed this up by saying everyone in AA refers to it as this - which is false as I've gone to about 50 AA meetings over the years with him and I never once heard it spoken of that way, except from him.
It's up to you whether or not you want to go - just make sure you are working on your recovery too, not just his.
I'm still bitter about it...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi,you say,Venusinkibra,that youre finding it--weird--that he no longer wants you at these AA meetings....Not so weird,because his sponsor advised that you not come,so he is just following his sponsors suggestion,here.
You say also,that you think there is---something----He is probably feeling this in you.These are your feelings,here,based on what???.What are your reasons for wanting to go?bevcause you think there is ---something?Pros/cons,im not sure where this is coming from.Alcoholics share what it was like,what happened,and what their lives are like today-Things work out for everyone differently...
its great to try to get insights into this disease,called alcoholism.The focus is on ones---own--recovery.If i cant understand myself,and my part,there is no way that i personally can even begin to try and understand another....Can you hold off,until your loved one is more comfortable with you going?Get both, sponsors his/yours,in agreement of you going?If they dont agree,ask what are their reasons?Going to AA meetings are helpful but not vital for non-alcoholics recovery.But they are to the alcoholic...
Thanks for letting me share,,my expeiences,and opinions....smile...
Pray on this,please.
prayers for you both on your recovery journey.
You say also,that you think there is---something----He is probably feeling this in you.These are your feelings,here,based on what???.What are your reasons for wanting to go?bevcause you think there is ---something?Pros/cons,im not sure where this is coming from.Alcoholics share what it was like,what happened,and what their lives are like today-Things work out for everyone differently...
its great to try to get insights into this disease,called alcoholism.The focus is on ones---own--recovery.If i cant understand myself,and my part,there is no way that i personally can even begin to try and understand another....Can you hold off,until your loved one is more comfortable with you going?Get both, sponsors his/yours,in agreement of you going?If they dont agree,ask what are their reasons?Going to AA meetings are helpful but not vital for non-alcoholics recovery.But they are to the alcoholic...
Thanks for letting me share,,my expeiences,and opinions....smile...
Pray on this,please.
prayers for you both on your recovery journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I come from a long line of family members of addictions. I and one other family member are the only two who have never had an addiction of any sort, never been into drugs, or major drinking ever. Although of course I am surround by family and friends who have this issue, makes me co-dependent. I think my sponsor wants me to go to understand my family situation better. Learn from the experience, not react, and find better ways to set boundaries with others. I am going to attend a meeting once a week regardless for me, whether my ABF is in my life or not. Every sponsor is different in their approach for healing. Mine believes that her sponsoree's should do both. I like her, so I will try it and see what happens.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 2
Hey all new here but the subject fits me well....
Me and my wife of 8 years both got addicted to pain pills for several years anyways after loosing just about everything my wife moved out by her moms to get clean and I moved in with my family about 20 miles away. We still saw each other several times a week to start with. Anyways I suggested she goto meetings out by her house. Well to make a long story short she stopped coming around as much and suspicion kicked in and after doing some investigating I found out one of her sponsors was this guy at the meeting and he put a bunch of stuff in her head about me and they ended up hooking up and she cheated on me with him. I ended up meeting a friend of his later and his friend told me that he has been known to go to NA to meet woman that are vulnerable or whatever.
Since then we never got back together or even tried to work on getting back together she has dated like 3 guys since & my sponsor said she is trying to find a replacement for the love I gave her or whatever. I just wanted to throw that in there its a lot more complicated that this short version but I hope you get the idea.
BTW I am clean since 6/2010.
Me and my wife of 8 years both got addicted to pain pills for several years anyways after loosing just about everything my wife moved out by her moms to get clean and I moved in with my family about 20 miles away. We still saw each other several times a week to start with. Anyways I suggested she goto meetings out by her house. Well to make a long story short she stopped coming around as much and suspicion kicked in and after doing some investigating I found out one of her sponsors was this guy at the meeting and he put a bunch of stuff in her head about me and they ended up hooking up and she cheated on me with him. I ended up meeting a friend of his later and his friend told me that he has been known to go to NA to meet woman that are vulnerable or whatever.
Since then we never got back together or even tried to work on getting back together she has dated like 3 guys since & my sponsor said she is trying to find a replacement for the love I gave her or whatever. I just wanted to throw that in there its a lot more complicated that this short version but I hope you get the idea.
BTW I am clean since 6/2010.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 2
Also I can only speak for myself but anyways my really good friends father use to do NA meetings and said there are the occasional home wreckers or "vultures" as he called them. Again I can only speak for myself and I had a great NA experience where I went and there was non of that there but just be careful of other peoples motives. My wife is not the same person I swear sometimes I think she got taken over by some cult or something, we dont even talk anymore but I still talk to my 12 yr old step daughter I raised almost daily which moved away to her dads in another country!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Mine asked me to attend and I went to a few. then, she used my behavior at a meeting to justify her ridiculous behavior. And I won't go again.
I would suggest giving it a try for yourself. But don't agree to any conditions of continued going. If you go and it is good for you, go again. Or, if like in my case it turns out to be not so good, you never have to go again.
I would suggest giving it a try for yourself. But don't agree to any conditions of continued going. If you go and it is good for you, go again. Or, if like in my case it turns out to be not so good, you never have to go again.
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