Whitegold

I would describe my relationship with alcohol as unpredictable. A little background information about me, I have a great job and live a balanced and happy life. I only drink socially on weekends and do not crave alcohol. in fact, I refuse to drink during the week because I like to eat very healthy. When I do drink alcohol, I am the life of the party. Everything is great until I get to a certain point where I blackout and lose control of myself. This only happens in extreme party settings like nightclubs and bars where there’s loud music and heavy drinking. I am fully capable of controlling myself and keeping composure at dinners and events. Sometimes I’ll just experience memory loss and people will say I was completely fine and fun to hang out with… other times (rarely) I get angry and mean, but not physically aggressive.

I’m very much aware that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. When I was 19 I fell and broke two teeth. A year later was arrested for underage drinking. I’ve lost phones, fell asleep in a cab, had money stolen, woke up with random bruises… you name it. Luckily, I haven’t had anything too bad happen in recent years. The only thing that’s happened recently is that my good friend got really annoyed with me and also my ex-boyfriend would get upset when we’d go out because he felt he had to babysit me when we’d go out together. Anyway, I don’t believe this was the main reason we broke up, but it definitely affected our relationship as he really hated the person I became after drinking too much.

Lately, I have been experiencing more frequent blackouts. They usually happen the last hour of the night. I will wake up alone in my apartment with no idea how I got there… then I have to talk to my close friends to know what happened (sometimes I remember bits and pieces). Usually it’s just a case of “we dropped you off at home” nothing major. Recently I went on a party bus with friends after the bars and had no recollection of it which was concerning.

The overwhelming feeling of shame and guilt as a result of my lack of control and loss of memory has reached a new level. I wake up so incredibly embarrassed of my behavior. Sometimes I will avoid peoples phone calls because I am scared they saw me out acting like an idiot. I worry that people will not want to hang out with me anymore every time I wake up with no memory, but what’s weird is that it’s usually the opposite and people talk about how much fun the night was. This is one of the reasons I have a such a love hate relationship with alcohol.

I feel like I have control over every single aspect my life, except this. The problem is, I don’t know how to stop myself from getting to that point. It’s like one moment I am fine and remember everything, and the next I am in a blackout. My grandfather has been sober 20+ years and has mentioned that he also experienced blackouts when he drank. I’m not trying to undermine that I have a problem with alcohol, but I am a pretty impulsive person (especially with food). Could this be a problem with control and impulsivity? I really don’t want to quit drinking completely, but I know if I continue to do this something bad will eventually happen (I’ll get hurt, run over by a car walking home from the bars, choke on vomit, never wake up, get assaulted etc). I think about these things every single time I wake up from a black out.

The lack of memory is what I struggle with the most. Throughout the years, I’ve told myself I would get this under control as I get older. I am now in mid twenties, and it’s still an issue. Has anyone had a similar experience and been able to adjust their drinking habits with success?

I want just want to stop blacking out.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my long post.

fini

since you do not wnt o stop drinking completely, you might check out Moderation Management or HAMS.

kevlarsjal

Hi whitegold I'm a gal in my mid twenties too. I had a similar problem during my teenage years and up until I started at university. I would regularly black out, pass out or be an absolute nightmare to my friends, getting so drunk that I didn't recognise anyone and tried to hit and kick them when they tried to carry me home.

Then I found what I thought was the solution. I began to drank more often, during the week. That somehow made me less drunk when I was drinking, I was able to drink loads without ever blacking out or acting too drunk. I strongly recommend to NOT do this. For me it led me to not being able to do anything without a drink first.

I guess a lot of people will recommend to stop drinking completely as this is a recovery forum. But if that is not an option for you right now, maybe try to stick to a number of drinks that you know you can handle and maybe stay away from shots and other drinks with a high alcohol content. Also maybe making every other drink an alcohol free one could help. If all of that doesn't help then maybe it's time to quit?

Whitegold

Hello,

Sorry, I thought that's what this specific forum was.. It said "management and control". My apologies if i'm not supposed to post here.

suki44883

This has been going on quite a while, whitegold. You posted in 2015 about a particularly frightening episode with a taxi driver that you weren't sure actually happened.

Maybe you should consider sobriety since continuing to drink isn't working out very well for you.

Dee74

Hi again whitegold

I don't think there's anyway to regain control once we lose it (I actually question if I ever had it)

If you're blacking out and you're repeatedly having embarrassing or dangerous things happen when you're drinking, I think you need to consider not drinking at all ?

D

JeffreyAK

Very few people with a major drinking problem, that can only be solved by quitting, believe they need to quit or want to quit, at least not until things get really, really bad. I hope you reconsider how much better your life can be with alcohol completely out it.

Treerat66

Hi Whitegold, Been there, done that. For a few years I moderated by circumstance (my hosts didn't stock enough to fill me up) Some of the thoughts I had about their poor host qualities were not nice. Then my circumstances changed and I started to drink in the old pattern, with friends I valued and soon had a name as a drunk.

Test yourself, the next time you go out for an evening to a club or whatever, try not to drink alcohol. If you manage you are stronger than I was.

Nonsensical

That was me 15 years ago.
It gets worse.
(finished your thought for you there)

While you are searching for answers, maybe you should try to come up with an answer to this question:
Why is drinking so important to me that I would risk my reputation and physical safety instead of giving it up?

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

GerandTwine

What have you already done or tried doing to help yourself since you've been blacking out all these years?

PhoenixJ

Irony- the last blackout I had was August 2015. I then proceeded to lose everything and go through hell. If you do not have control over your drinking- you have no control of your life., Stop drinking- period. Go to AA, read here, see a doc. I died 3 times- because of a blackout.
Support to you.