A little scared...actually terrified.

Old 12-04-2014, 08:59 PM
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A little scared...actually terrified.

Hi Everyone,

This is my first day not calling my AA sponsor and tomorrow I plan to not attend my homegroup. I have almost 4 months sober and I'm scared to lose it. I hate to admit this but leaving AA is proving to be difficult for me. It's the only recovery I've known and after relapses the rooms were the place I would always return to. After every relapse I would conclude that I simply hadn't worked the program right.

I had lovely day today, but still have guilt about not calling my sponsor and feel bad for not following through with the stepwork. In my gut I just know something isn't right, yet at the same time I'm afraid that I'm one of those "unwilling" or not "rigorously honest" enough persons that always get drunk again. Initially, I tried to ignore my discomfort as I always have done in the past but I simply can't any longer. I'm leaving a lot of service work behind and do not even want to contact my sponsor to let her know that I'm done. I doubt I'll hear from her either, as she prides herself on not "chasing pigeons." I'm not even doing the slow fade. I'm just going away completely and cutting off contact because I do not want to be confronted and warned about the dangers of thinking for myself and the eventual relapse that will happen.

AA is a great place for support, but it comes with a lot of strings attached. Mainly, that membership is life long. You simply don't graduate from Alcoholics Anonymous. This bothers me tremendously and I view those that have years and years of sobriety that still go to so many meetings with curiosity, but mostly pity. I do not want to be like that. There are a few people I really like...but without AA there's no context for us to still be friends I suppose (I hope this isn't the case but I have a feeling it's what's gonna happen).

So I really need help! I don't have many friends here as I moved to this state for treatment and since I'm trying to exit AA I doubt I'll be left with many friends from the program.

This also the first time I've used a forum of this sort.

Thanks you guys...
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Old 12-05-2014, 02:57 AM
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Welcome to SR, freethefish! It's good to have you with us. I'm not totally clear why you're wanting to leave AA and/or make a break with your sponsor. I'm a secular, non-AA guy but if it works for you why change? Understand, I'm not criticizing just curious of the reasoning.

I don't think relapse is inevitable nor do I think recovery is a process that lasts your whole life. In my case I consider myself a former drinker. I know that if I ever drink again things will soon be as bad as ever, maybe worse. But that doesn't mean I'm "recovering". I'll stay recovered as long as I don't drink.

Have you looked in to AVRT? That's worked well for me and a lot of other secular folks.

Again, I'm glad you found us!
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Old 12-05-2014, 05:00 AM
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Welcome to SR. Good luck on your journey.

The main thing is to get a plan and follow the plan. Every day.
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Old 12-05-2014, 05:30 AM
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Welcome to SR and Secular Connections.

There are many paths to sober living. People here at SR helped me find mine. We can help you find yours.
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Old 12-05-2014, 06:02 AM
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I don't believe that sobriety must come with a cost, other than the cost of no alcohol. Wait a minute, that's a benefit. I digress.

I also don't believe that you must count yourself a person who is constitutionally incapable of being honest because of your past failures at maintaining sobriety, if such a person even exists. I don't believe they do.

I believe that you can choose to get sober, and stay that way. I believe you have within you what you need to succeed. I believe in you, FreetheFish.

There are different roads we may choose to get to our final goal. I hope you find the one that makes sense to you.
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:08 AM
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I am somewhat in the same boat, spent a year of sobriety in AA, worked the steps with a sponsor, had success and feel confident and secure in my sobriety today. The absolutism and cultish nature of AA started to bother me, and began to feel like going to meetings several times a week was more of a chore than actually helping me. I started asking questions about other approaches like AVRT and whether all the meetings were really necessary. You can imagine the kinds of answers I got in AA. I no longer feel that my sanity and sobriety are contingent on how many meetings I attend.

I read Rational Recovery with great interest, and have been applying the principles of AVRT for a few months, dropped AA activity altogether. I don't agree with everything in RR, especially how much it bashes AA, but it is very refreshing to drop the disease/powerless model and venture forth and get on with my life, identifying myself only as a person who doesn't drink.

I haven't had "the talk" with my sponsor or anyone in AA to let them know where I'm at with this, because I know what the response will be. My sponsor is a big book thumper, and he and others I know will shake their heads in disapproval, and declare that I am trying to take back control, am giving in to "the disease" and am destined for relapse. To them, AA is the ONLY solution, but I feel that recovery from addiction is not "one size fits all" and AVRT is working for me. I travel for work and have had many opportunities to drink but I am committed to lifetime sobriety and have felt not so much as an urge.

I know I owe my sponsor "the talk" to let him know where I am with this, but I imagine the conversation could get a little uncomfortable.

The only person I have shared this with is my wife, and she is supportive and glad actually that I am home more and not constantly running off to meetings. My sponsor and I have kids at the same school. The other night the kids did a musical performance, where his daughter was a soloist. As soon as she was done with her solo, he snuck out of the concert, right in the middle of it, to get to a meeting. I turned to my wife and said, "See? This is what I'm talking about. I don't want to have to live that way."

And I'm finding that I don't.
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:22 AM
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Congratulations on finding your path to a happy sober life Ionray!
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:50 AM
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freethefish,
welcome.
look around, hope you find something of use to you.
no, relapse is not inevitable. no matter what program you use or do not use.
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:53 AM
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Welcome!
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:57 AM
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Welcome to SR, freethefish; glad you found us.

There are many ways to achieve and maintain sobriety and recovery. You might want to look into some of those mentioned in the below link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-connections/
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:58 AM
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I stopped going to AA at four months, as well. I had the same concerns already voiced in this thread.

AA is not the only way. The people who find it works for them are understandably going to think it is the only way.

Keep coming here if you feel a need to connect with sober people. It's a good place.
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Old 12-05-2014, 03:38 PM
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There is maybe an assumption made by people who stick and cling to a particular program and remain sober, that those that come in and then out are headed straight to a relapse. I remember many different groups with different agendas use to bring out AA stats of people who stay 1 year 2 years 5 years and so on, and how this number drops dramatically. Those anti AA's would use this stat.as an representation that AA does not work at the same time Vocal Big Book thumper celebs would use the same stat to say middle of the road recoverers "weren't doing it thoroughly (the 12 steps) or right". I use to be one not that long ago who felt these stats actually meant something, Today I am not so sure. Perhaps many who come into AA (or in my case GA) do get something that leads to something else and when its time leave, we land on our feet, stronger and possibly wiser. Maybe as we educate ourselves and develop rational thinking skills, we truly do "take what we need and leave the rest" perhaps (as in my case) the leave the rest is to leave the fellowship completely. I am an atheist and free thinker and a skeptic but only a few short years ago I was one of those Thumpers throwing around the spiritual scripts at others like MM's to a hungry crowd but eventually when you take things seriously as I did and try to practice Honesty at all levels including critically evaluating concepts of powerlessness, higher power and other Dogma, you start to see huge gapping holes in your own Recovery Narrative.

I study science on addiction all the time and with an open mind I feel like I know less about affective recovery today than I did 5 years ago, and when we strip away al sorts of unfounded absolutes pushed by dozens of programs, groups, book writers, recovery centers and even some health professionals there is way more questions than answers.
Today I am even open to ideas that the word addiction is actually a non specific label, that doesn't really describe anything.
Anyway those who maybe are loosening the grip on any dogmatic program, try not to fall prey to the false narrative that is built in to that program that you are ripe for relapse. It is just as likely that you are heading for a more rational approach and strengthening your sobriety.
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Old 12-05-2014, 07:21 PM
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what I will add is this: Rigorous honesty. That is the truth. All that really means to me is that I had to be honest that my drinking did a lot of damage to me. And that the only way I could prevent that from continuing was to quit drinking - for good. No steps, no stages of recovery or whatever. Just quit drinking. That's what I did. I was forced to go to AA. But I actually went with an open mind to give it a chance. I didn't last 3 months. I had the same thoughts as the OP. Regardless of the reasons I drank, or felt I had to, the bottom line was that I had to stop. Now, the only person, place or thing I can blame if I drink again is ME. No-one else. When I told some people at AA that my higher power was ME I thought they were gonna explode. I did by the way.
Being continually told that if I didn't get down on my knees and pray every day I would never 'make it,' so keep coming back until you get it. And that is also the truth.
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Old 12-05-2014, 07:26 PM
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Hi Freethefish

I dunno - I don't use AA but I've accepted that my recovery will need to be a life long thing...I hesitate to use the words effort cos it not, but somedays require more than others to remain happy and content.

It never seems like a chore and it's something I like to do....

but in the beginning my inner addict really made a meal of that with me. There was nothing like the word 'forever' to frighten the bejabbers out of me.

I got over my forever fear, and I think, no matter what you decide to do to maintain your recovery, that you will too

D
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:02 PM
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Glad you are here FTF......There is much support & encouragement here!
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Old 12-07-2014, 08:16 PM
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Thanks for the welcome you guys!

@MythofSisyphus I just believe this program works for some people, but first it's essential to check your opinions and other life/spiritual views at the door. This, I find sad. I've always been a visitor of the rooms in the past 2-3 years I've been trying to get sober (this afforded me to just listen and leave once the meeting was done to go back to my own life) but this is the first time I got a homegroup that heavily studied the literature, a sponsor, service positions etc. I really wanted to do the deal so this thing could work for me. In a sense it was working as it kept me busy on most days. But I realized I opened an uncomfortable probing into my life in exchange for a certain promised spiritual experience and longterm sobriety. I wish I honestly just stayed on the fringes which they always warn against, but this is honestly the only way to really take what you like and leave rest as they put it.

I believe this is my 4th day of not attending a meeting or having the daily nerve-wracking phone calls with my sponsor and the reaction is what I expected it to be. There's much concern for my wellbeing. I have not responded to these messages and calls as I don't want to explain or defend my decision.

I'm filled with excitement about taking charge of my recovery and using this site amongst other things as a resource. So much time has freed up, honestly. It feels good.

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Old 12-08-2014, 01:50 AM
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Sounds good, freethefish. Be careful to keep an open mind and monitor you feelings and impulses. AA probably does create some accountability since you have a group. Without that you will have to be accountable to yourself. Be honest with yourself, too.

I hope you will consider using SR as your "group"! This is a great source for inspiration and advice, and even just a sympathetic crowd that understands addiction.

Glad you stopped back, freethefish.
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Old 12-08-2014, 06:09 PM
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I regularly remind myself that the only requirement for membership in AA is the desire to stop drinking. This means that as long as I am not drinking, I can always return to meetings if I feel I need them. I've cycled in and out of the AA program, and the most important thing for me is to know at my core that my involvement with AA and my commitment to sobriety are two different things.

I would consider just letting your sponsor know that you're breaking off contact (although I understand wanting to avoid the "institutions, jails, and death" outcome monologue)...if there is any way to send a card or a note that simply says "thank you" for the time and energy you've put into supporting my recovery, I plan to stay sober, but am involved with a different recovery program, etc. it might help you feel that the door was left ajar - both in case you ever wanted to return and so that if you run into ex-sponsor in the supermarket you don't have to feel awkward...

Our sobriety is fully our own journey, and we will pass through many cities and meet many helpful strangers on the way. I see it that way, and count AA characters who have crossed my path as many of those "helpful strangers."

I'm way pulled back from the program at the moment, though powerfully and fully sober. I too feel immediately furtive and sketchy as soon as I stop attending meetings, and then notice that feeling rise up inside me and dismiss it. Guilt is not the right reason to include meetings in my life. I have many activities which support my sobriety, and as I cycle in and out of them, I don't have guilt about that - only AA. It is definitely an aspect of the teachings of the program, there is some fear bred there - intentionally - and when I recognize it I have to re-affirm for myself that I don't accept that fear into my own sobriety. I do not think that choosing to not attend meetings destines me for the gutter. I believe my decision to be sober stands alone, and that all the methods and supports I collage together toward that purpose are tools applied to the sculpting of my sober life. My life is not the tool, and the loss of one or even a few of those tools does not prevent me from continuing my creative masterpiece, my obra (greatest work)...
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Old 12-08-2014, 06:28 PM
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There's a very simple plan available to you:

"I don't drink."

Work it.
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Old 12-11-2014, 12:27 AM
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Originally Posted by freethefish View Post
Hi Everyone,

This is my first day not calling my AA sponsor and tomorrow I plan to not attend my homegroup. I have almost 4 months sober and I'm scared to lose it. I hate to admit this but leaving AA is proving to be difficult for me. It's the only recovery I've known and after relapses the rooms were the place I would always return to. After every relapse I would conclude that I simply hadn't worked the program right.

I had lovely day today, but still have guilt about not calling my sponsor and feel bad for not following through with the stepwork. In my gut I just know something isn't right, yet at the same time I'm afraid that I'm one of those "unwilling" or not "rigorously honest" enough persons that always get drunk again. Initially, I tried to ignore my discomfort as I always have done in the past but I simply can't any longer. I'm leaving a lot of service work behind and do not even want to contact my sponsor to let her know that I'm done. I doubt I'll hear from her either, as she prides herself on not "chasing pigeons." I'm not even doing the slow fade. I'm just going away completely and cutting off contact because I do not want to be confronted and warned about the dangers of thinking for myself and the eventual relapse that will happen.
I'm in a very similar situation: nearly four months from a brief relapse. I told my sponsor today I was no longer going to work the steps. He smiled, and clapped me on the shoulder, admitted he had no darn clue how things were going to turn out, laughed, and wished me good luck. I didn't call him every day, but we were meeting at least four times a week for ten months, so stopping is a big deal.

I still go to AA meetings. I will still see my sponsor a few times a week. He will get a Christmas gift. I may decide in the future to start working the program again. I think there is a lot of wisdom to be gleaned from those rooms, even if I've decided the steps are not for me.
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