climbing out of the pit

[meditation]

Well I feel like I am on this rollercoaster of mad emotions, at times I swear I must be bipolar. My course of recovery has been Mr Toad's wild ride.
I was so defiant the first 3 months, then angry the next 3 months. Then came this blah state of being that emulated depression, nothing excited me. The some more anger and worst of all feeling punitive towards myself and everyone else on the planet.
The last month and this is the 12 month of this business of sobriety, has been spiritual but not religious. It has been forgiving, it has been a bit more tolerant towards myself and others with some anger thrown in in small amounts. I don't know what the heck is brewing or baking in this recipe but lately I feel more peaceful and serene. I got my backside out to the lake and that helped me more that anything, just being out there. I started to pamper myself a bit and by that I mean being kinder to me which amazingly has led to me feeling kinder about others.
I go from feeling peaceful to feeling pissed off but my pissed off states are getting fewer and farther between. Climbing out of this pit has been hell. But I do feel some sort of shift has happened to me in the last 2 weeks. Spirtual awakening maybe or hormones leveling out or maybe paws subsiding. I don't know but I do think even though this is slow getting over addiction I do think I am getting better and happier. I am more grateful for things. Just thought I would share this 2 steps up and one step back path I seem to be on.

[otterbearcat]

Thanks for sharing.

Glad to hear you are climbing out of the pit.

[jamdls]

Nice share. Recovery is a long process, there is no majic pill/prayer/program whatever that can speed it up. I too went through depression/anger/self loathing/etc the first year then gradually in my 2nd year the fog was lifting more and more and the sun was shining brighter. I still have occassional slips into anger/depression but they are very brief; I now understand that I have to work at this recovery-recovery of the wonderful person that I was meant to be; and part of that is pampering myself taking good care of ME. I wish you continued growth in yourself.

[meditation]

Anger feels more action oriented than depression. At least I feel something when I am angry. But I am tired of jumping off cliffs and taking hostages with me. You are right that self care is so important. I used to do that more but I think I did not deserve it so I stopped and hence feeling miserable. Things do get better and even before addiction began I did not have all rosy days. I somehow skipped the pink rosy glow of recovery. But what I am having now is better than a bad day in addiction. Thanks for the support.

[jamdls]

Originally Posted by meditation

Anger feels more action oriented than depression. At least I feel something when I am angry. But I am tired of jumping off cliffs and taking hostages with me. You are right that self care is so important. I used to do that more but I think I did not deserve it so I stopped and hence feeling miserable. Things do get better and even before addiction began I did not have all rosy days. I somehow skipped the pink rosy glow of recovery. But what I am having now is better than a bad day in addiction. Thanks for the support.

{{{{HUG}}}}
You are so correct that a bad day clean/sober is soooooo much better than the best days before. I spent most of my first year of sobriety wallowing in self loathing, but I had to deal with all the shame I caused myself and others while drinking and what had led me there,it was not fun at all. Getting sober did not cure all my problems but before I had all these "open wounds" that festered and never healed, they might scab over a little but then open wide-- and now the wounds have been "wripped open completely" and allowed to "bleed out" and most importantly allowed to properly heal. I still have scars but I accept that all things happen for a reason, to make me whom I'm supposed to be and to grow. I wish you peace.