Fantabulous Secular Connections Check-in Part VI

[windysan]

Capoppy.....you're in one of the best places in the world for fantastic food and cooking. I know it'll sound cheesy to tell you to get a hobby but if you like to cook you have a world of learning in France. Just a thought. I can spend hours preparing a meal and I get into a zone of sorts and hours fly by and I have lots of fun. Having people thank me for a good meal is fulfilling. Don't drink today.

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by windysan

Capoppy.....you're in one of the best places in the world for fantastic food and cooking. I know it'll sound cheesy to tell you to get a hobby but if you like to cook you have a world of learning in France. Just a thought. I can spend hours preparing a meal and I get into a zone of sorts and hours fly by and I have lots of fun. Having people thank me for a good meal is fulfilling. Don't drink today.

Thanks Windy, I love to cook and do spend hours cooking, usually not as much in summer though, no air conditionning here. I have many many hobbies, so many in fact that I sometimes wear myself out. I haven't had any alcohol today, and will not, it's already 6 in the evening I'll be going out dancing til about 2 am, for today things are going smoothly . I wont drink today.

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

windy's 2 step pROgram worked for me!!

It's an excellent program and it will work for me too, I just have to get past a few kinks I apparently haven't ironed out yet. I'm pretty sure I'm beginning to understand why the kinks, I hope.

[windysan]

I sure would love to go learn traditional french cooking in the motherland !!

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by windysan

I sure would love to go learn traditional french cooking in the motherland !!

Well if you ever come to France, please look me up, I'd be delighted to have you visit. I'll teach you to make some really yummy dishes!

[windysan]

I surely will. I gotta raise my babies and make some more $$. If I live long enough I may just be able to retire. I'm hoping my daughters marry very wealthy gentlemen and they buy me an island.

[mistycshore]

Originally Posted by californiapoppy

Well if you ever come to France, please look me up, I'd be delighted to have you visit. I'll teach you to make some really yummy dishes!

So what's your favorite dish and could you share the recipe?

If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.

[Bamboozle]

[tyler]

Been awhile since I posted in here. Left the boards for a week or so as I was disgusted with my inability to stay sober. I'm good for a few days, then I drink one night, ok for a few more, than back to it. It's better than I used to be, but still discouraging. I've also been binge eating and have put on about 30 pounds in the last few months. At least I'm still clean from the pot, about 3 1/2 months now!!

I just felt like I really shouldn't be offering advice when my own house is still very much "not in order". I talked to my theripist about it and she suggested that if this place is helpful to me (and it most definately is) it would be wrong to leave. Perhaps I should be asking for more help and offering support rather than advice. So that is what I'm trying to do now.

I had a really rough day Wednesday. I had my first appointment with a new psychitirst, as I have moved to a new area. I have never felt I have gotten a proper diagnosis, but that is mostly my fault becasue I was stoned 24/7 for so many years. You can't fault the doctor when I'm the one screwing up all the time. Now that I have been clean for an extended period of time (though I still obviously have my issues with alcohol) I hope to be able to get a better handle on my mental situation. She was doing a through history with me and asked when I first started feeling depressed. I told her it was when I was about 12 years old and that I thought I had been sexually abused. This is something that I have only recently started thinking about and have only discussed it with my theripist and a couple of other people. She started asking me for details, and I don't have any, just flashes of memories that I don't even know for sure if they are true. Part of me feels like it is something I have made up to "cover" for my years of substance abuse, but I react very strongly when I "go there". My mind just snaps shut, if presured to continue I start to shake and twitch, I start thinking suicidally again and eventually just kinda shut down and stare blankly into space. I know she was just doing her job and trying to be as effecient as possible, but I really felt raked over the coals.

Fortunately I had an appointment scheduled with my theripist immediately after this one. I was pretty shell shocked when I go there, shaking, twitching, "zoning out". We basically spent 3/4 of our appointment just "talking me down", doing breathing exercises, "energy work" (eastern stuff with meridians and such), just trying to get me calmed down, because I was really in a bad place. I still ended up drinking later that night, but the way I felt before I got there, I don't know if I would have even made it home.

I've joined a forum for suvivors of sexual abuse, but have yet to post there. It makes me so uncomfortable to even think about this stuff. I know I need to find a way to deal with it, but it just terifies me to even approach it. I just want to not be a damm freak, to be normal, whatever the hell that is!!!

Other parts of my life are going well. I am getting to see my son more, at least every couple of weeks. My job is going good. So overall thing are better than they have been in some time.

Congrats to Misty on the job. I know how much it sucks to be out of work. I was for about 3 months before I started the job the first of this month. Unfortunatly many of us define our "worth" by our jobs, at least I have a tendency to. I know it is not true, but it's easier said than truly believed. Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Hope everyone else is well. Take care my secular peeps.

[mistycshore]

Hey Tyler,

I hope you post at the other forum. In my case, the fear I felt was a child's fear - it didn't apply anymore. Once I really started talking about, I can't say the pain went away, but the fear diminished considerably. I could talk about it.

Those flashes of memory are not likely imagination. Think about the difference of what it is to imagine something and what it is to remember something - even a flash of something. Imagination doesn't generally make someone shake, twitch, shut down, etc.

Anyway, don't push yourself unless pushing seems like the right thing to do. You'll be okay. It sounds like you're doing pretty dang well!

I agree with the job thing. At first I thought that I'd be ashamed to admit that I have an entry-level, service-type job. But I was so grateful to have found a job at all that I forgot to be ashamed and told everyone. Everyone has been most supportive, and some even admire that I'm doing something I don't really want to do in order to live up to my responsibilities in life. That is an admirable thing that you are doing, Tyler.

I'm very glad to hear that you're getting to see more of your son. It's neat to know that maybe he'll get a chance to know how cool his dad is.

[mistycshore]

Hey Bam,

I didn't know about the "talkbox" phenomenon. My husband and I were watching this going . . . what the heck?

Thanks for introducing us to this quite creative form of a cappela (I think that term fits?).

[gneiss]

So... I was having a good day. A couple days ago I was out trying my hand at good, wholesome fun. I went bowling! But my old coke dealer also decided to go bowling that night. Geez. I haven't done coke in ages, and I don't even know exactly why I did it. I'm no coke head, I did it once in a while but wasn't really something I was into, only when I couldn't get speed. That was just stupid. But I was kinda at peace with my stupidity, found a little bit to learn from the experience so as to not repeat it.

I've learned stress is really bad for me. It's a big trigger. Sucks, then, that life is chalk full of it:

The apartment assistant (sort of an intermediary between residents and management) lives underneath me. He has decided I'm breaking a bunch of rules and he's very rude about telling me. I'm not doing anything wrong though, I don't know why he thinks I am. Basically the only time he's polite is when someone is around to intimidate him into it (I have a friend who is very useful in this regard and happy to help. But... geez. Doesn't seem like I should have to get a friend prone to bar fights to deal with the guy who is supposed to facilitate positive interactions with apartment staff). I think I'm just going to have to talk to the manager before he reports me for stuff I'm not doing.

And as if that weren't enough my ex is staying with me for a little while until he gets into his own apartment. I will freely admit I'm really not over him, but we get on well as friends. The drugs were too much for us to maintain our relationship but I still care about him a lot. He called today and said his current gf is going to help him bring some of his stuff up from home so she needs to stay at my apartment tomorrow. And she's bringing her kids, ages 4 and 1. This girl has never been nice to me, has threatened to beat me up, etc. We don't get along, I don't like her, and it's all even worse because we are both kinda jealous regarding him. What a disaster. I really would prefer she just drops off his stuff and leaves, she has plenty of time to go home if she comes up tomorrow morning. I have to work tomorrow and I don't want that girl in my apartment going through my stuff, I don't want her kids tearing up my apartment. I'm so uncomfortable with this. And I think it was pretty nervy that he asked if they could use my room because there's a queen bed. I told him they could use the extra room (twin bed) and the couch. And I'm also pretty upset he kinda sprung this on me and I have homework to get done tomorrow and now I'm going to have 2 kids running around screaming while I'm trying to read. I know he doesn't really have a great alternative and I'm trying to help him out but I feel like he's asking a lot here when it's entirely possible for her to go home instead of hanging around for the evening.

Grrrr.... frankly, it makes me want to drink. I'm not going to but... damn. I really could use a beer. Sometimes I make me sick.

[Freepath]

I’ve rejected the idea that drinking is a disease. Using a term like “alcoholism” is like using a term like “chemotherapyism.” Alcohol is a treatment. It’s a salve that we rub on the infected parts of our lives. So I suppose that when we’re puking our guts out it would be accurate to say “this stuff is killing me…” But labeling it the primary problem constitutes false logic. Look around the forums. The real problem IS US.

I can’t obviously speak for everyone, but the last relapse that I had occurred as a result of my own careless decision to put my own mental health lower on my priority list. I never should have lost track of the idea that I have had some messed up things happen in my life, and I need to work through them. I need to set aside time and energy in the name of dealing with my ill adjusted way of dealing with life’s problems.

I think a lot of us are looking for euphoria when we pick up a bottle. Ahhh…intoxication. The sweet feeling that we are happy, well and have every reason to feel confident. Even when reality doesn’t quite corroborate the illusion.

The road from apathy is filled with finding things that we care about. In my opinion, discovering our passions and focusing on our own happiness provides a solid foundation for lifelong sobriety.

My epiphany of the week….

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by gneiss

So... I was having a good day. A couple days ago I was out trying my hand at good, wholesome fun. I went bowling! But my old coke dealer also decided to go bowling that night. Geez. I haven't done coke in ages, and I don't even know exactly why I did it. I'm no coke head, I did it once in a while but wasn't really something I was into, only when I couldn't get speed. That was just stupid. But I was kinda at peace with my stupidity, found a little bit to learn from the experience so as to not repeat it.

I've learned stress is really bad for me. It's a big trigger. Sucks, then, that life is chalk full of it:

The apartment assistant (sort of an intermediary between residents and management) lives underneath me. He has decided I'm breaking a bunch of rules and he's very rude about telling me. I'm not doing anything wrong though, I don't know why he thinks I am. Basically the only time he's polite is when someone is around to intimidate him into it (I have a friend who is very useful in this regard and happy to help. But... geez. Doesn't seem like I should have to get a friend prone to bar fights to deal with the guy who is supposed to facilitate positive interactions with apartment staff). I think I'm just going to have to talk to the manager before he reports me for stuff I'm not doing.

And as if that weren't enough my ex is staying with me for a little while until he gets into his own apartment. I will freely admit I'm really not over him, but we get on well as friends. The drugs were too much for us to maintain our relationship but I still care about him a lot. He called today and said his current gf is going to help him bring some of his stuff up from home so she needs to stay at my apartment tomorrow. And she's bringing her kids, ages 4 and 1. This girl has never been nice to me, has threatened to beat me up, etc. We don't get along, I don't like her, and it's all even worse because we are both kinda jealous regarding him. What a disaster. I really would prefer she just drops off his stuff and leaves, she has plenty of time to go home if she comes up tomorrow morning. I have to work tomorrow and I don't want that girl in my apartment going through my stuff, I don't want her kids tearing up my apartment. I'm so uncomfortable with this. And I think it was pretty nervy that he asked if they could use my room because there's a queen bed. I told him they could use the extra room (twin bed) and the couch. And I'm also pretty upset he kinda sprung this on me and I have homework to get done tomorrow and now I'm going to have 2 kids running around screaming while I'm trying to read. I know he doesn't really have a great alternative and I'm trying to help him out but I feel like he's asking a lot here when it's entirely possible for her to go home instead of hanging around for the evening.

Grrrr.... frankly, it makes me want to drink. I'm not going to but... damn. I really could use a beer. Sometimes I make me sick.

Gneiss, you are going to have to learn how to say "No". It took me years and years and I'm still not good with it, but it's very important not to let people take advantage of you!

[Dee74]

I agree with you to a point, Freepath.

I surely was craving something to fill a void - at first it was euphoria, and then, as time went on, oblivion would do....

and alcohol definitely was my universal salve...

But the relationship never stays static...my alcohol 'problem' slowly, but surely, came to dwarf all my other 'problems'...it even outlived a few of the reasons I started drinking.....

Alcohol became far more than a treatment for me.

Granted my problems were/are physical and emotional - I'm not trying to speak for anyone else - but for me, at least, alcohol, and alcoholism - regardless of whether you see it as a disease or not - was *a* primary problem that I needed to address.

Just as I can't expect lasting sobriety if I only work on my alcohol habits, and ignore my other problems, I can't *just* work on the underlying causes either.

For me? it's got to be a tandem effort.

D

[windysan]

Originally Posted by mistycshore

So what's your favorite dish and could you share the recipe?

If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.

chicken and andouille gumbo is mine. i usually just cook as i go and i have no set recipe though. i remember writing one down on my office computer but with the bad leg i'm working on my laptop at the house.

[gneiss]

Originally Posted by californiapoppy

Gneiss, you are going to have to learn how to say "No". It took me years and years and I'm still not good with it, but it's very important not to let people take advantage of you!

Indeed, I wish there was a good way for me to say no. Normally I don't have too much trouble, but with her it would be far worse to tell her she can't stay with me for one night. The problem is that when I decline an invitation to hang out with them or say she can't come over or whatever she decides it's because I have something to hide from her. And obviously it must be that he and I are dating again, he's cheating on her. She just knows it.

I suggested to him that perhaps it would be better if she goes home tonight since I have homework to get done and I don't really have space for them anyway. Plus her kids picked up lice at daycare and that makes them the last people on Earth I want in my apartment. He kinda caught me off guard and I didn't really have the chance to say no. I'll just have to be more with it in the future.

[allport]

Am I being dense Gneiss (it happens quite a lot lol)

Never mind the gf and the kids why is your ex staying with you?

You are not over him and you have a history of drug use together.

If he wasn't still in your life she wouldn't be in your life.

Sorry to be a bit flippant but don't tell me he is a nice guy when he isn't completely taking advantage of you.

[allport]

That didn't come across as flippant it came across as mean sorry.

It's kind of a reaction to something I heard earlier, and I should know better than to put my own crap on here.

I do however think you really need to look at how you are dealing with the ex.

I am not one of those people who thinks you should not have any dealings with those who were around when we were using.

But unacceptable behaviour is not something you should accept from anyone just to keep them in your life.

If you feel you need him in your life that is your choice but are you willing to put up with the baggage?

[Gypsy Feet]

Alera, do you do any kind of meetings? I have never been to an AA meeting. I have several sober friends here, but I have discovered that sober does not mean they are at the same place as me in their lives. I would like to meet some people interested in recovery as it relates to spiritual progress, self discovery and learning to love living in the now. I suspect as hippy dippy as some of the people here are that shouldn't be hard to find hahaha.

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by mistycshore

So what's your favorite dish and could you share the recipe?

If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.

I don't really have a favorite dish, I love everything. Since it's summer and my vegetable garden is overflowing this year, and I've now run out of jars for canning. It's vegetables at every meal, which is fine with me I love them. So I've been making stuffed vegetables, and ratatouille, and soupe au pistou (it's a sort of provencal minestrone with basil pesto), and moussaka, and a sort of caponata, and tomato pudding, and a really delicious zuchinni cream, vegetable mousse, salade niçoise, and green bean casseroles among other things. If you're interested in anything just let me know, I'll put it in your visitor messages.

WINDY What do you put in a gumbo? Is it spicy? Is it something like a jambalaya, that I 've had.

[gneiss]

Originally Posted by allport

That didn't come across as flippant it came across as mean sorry.

It's kind of a reaction to something I heard earlier, and I should know better than to put my own crap on here.

I do however think you really need to look at how you are dealing with the ex.

I am not one of those people who thinks you should not have any dealings with those who were around when we were using.

But unacceptable behaviour is not something you should accept from anyone just to keep them in your life.

If you feel you need him in your life that is your choice but are you willing to put up with the baggage?

No worries, allport. My ex is staying with me just until an apartment becomes available for him. He's not just completely taking advantage of me, though I think he asked too much on this one. I called him a couple times and did the "oh of course they're welcome but..." number and he got the idea. She's not spending the night. I guess that was kinda crappy of me but oh well. It was kinda crappy of him to ask in the first place.

He and I used to be best friends before we dated, before the drugs, and I feel like this isn't over yet. It's not just not being over him, there's more to it than that. I've had friendships/relationships run their course before and recognize when they're over. This is not over yet. I don't really believe in fate but we've both tried to end this a couple times and circumstances always push us back into each other's lives. And even with her silly drama my life is better and more peaceful when he and I are friends. It's not a dating thing, it's just when he's around in some capacity-- a friend, whatever-- I'm happier and my life is better. So yeah, the drama stresses me out but so far it's worth it. That's so twisted.

[windysan]

Originally Posted by californiapoppy

I don't really have a favorite dish, I love everything. Since it's summer and my vegetable garden is overflowing this year, and I've now run out of jars for canning. It's vegetables at every meal, which is fine with me I love them. So I've been making stuffed vegetables, and ratatouille, and soupe au pistou (it's a sort of provencal minestrone with basil pesto), and moussaka, and a sort of caponata, and tomato pudding, and a really delicious zuchinni cream, vegetable mousse, salade niçoise, and green bean casseroles among other things. If you're interested in anything just let me know, I'll put it in your visitor messages.

WINDY What do you put in a gumbo? Is it spicy? Is it something like a jambalaya, that I 've had.

Gumbo is a roux-based soup. There are several kinds. Seafood, shrimp, chicken, sausage, racoon (lol...really). You start with a roux, add onions, celery, bell pepper, then add your protein, add bay leaves, cayennne, lemon juice, parsley, spices, and okra. Serve over rice and top with green onions and ground sassafras leaves.

Here is a good recipe for duck and sausage gumbo. You can substitute chicken if you don't like duck or use duck AND chicken.

Smoked Duck and Andouille Gumbo Recipe

[Freepath]

mmmmmmmmmmm I love duck and goose. I would much rather cook these for Thanksgiving or other holidays. I might have to try that smoked duck recipe.

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by windysan

Gumbo is a roux-based soup. There are several kinds. Seafood, shrimp, chicken, sausage, racoon (lol...really). You start with a roux, add onions, celery, bell pepper, then add your protein, add bay leaves, cayennne, lemon juice, parsley, spices, and okra. Serve over rice and top with green onions and ground sassafras leaves.

Here is a good recipe for duck and sausage gumbo. You can substitute chicken if you don't like duck or use duck AND chicken.

Smoked Duck and Andouille Gumbo Recipe

YUMMMMM, I love duck and probably andouille, especially if it's like the andouillette we have here, that I put on the BBQ. Sounds good cant wait to try, don't have sassafras, I'll have to google that one, and okra is hard to find, I guess I'll just have to plant it next year ! thanks Windy