Relapse

[californiapoppy]

I've relapsed. I've been toying with the idea of not saying so, however I think my chances of quitting for good are better if I'm honest and accountable to someone. And since today I feel REALLY rotten, I do very much want to quit for good. It sure didn't seem that important when I drank the first glass of wine though. I let myself get hungry, thirsty, tired, too hot, and a little uptight. Of course I know better, but it didn't matter then. I also had banished artificial sweeteners from my shelves so there were no diet soft drinks to turn to, though at that point I probably would not even have tried to substitute. This morning I went shopping and bought some and lots of frut juices too. Now if anyone has any tough love they want to throw my way, I'm actually craving to be chastised, at least for the moment.

[bohemianzen]

hugs poppy. i know how you feel - i've relapsed too and it sure isn't a good thing for me either.
i hope you get to feeling better as the day wears on. my first day back was yesterday - i feel like such a failure but i have to begin again regardless... it's our life we are talking about here. hang in there -- good plan about the fruit juice- i'm drinking water right now. i'm going to try and get as much good liquid in me as i can today (water, fruit juice, etc)
take care of yourself

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by bohemianzen

hugs poppy. i know how you feel - i've relapsed too and it sure isn't a good thing for me either.
i hope you get to feeling better as the day wears on. my first day back was yesterday - i feel like such a failure but i have to begin again regardless... it's our life we are talking about here. hang in there -- good plan about the fruit juice- i'm drinking water right now. i'm going to try and get as much good liquid in me as i can today (water, fruit juice, etc)
take care of yourself

thank you

I love that cat, looks like I feel today !

[Dee74]

I'm sorry you relapsed poppy - but I'm glad you 'owned up'.
I think this where SR works best

I guess I'll ask it....what are you going to do differently 'to quit for good'?
D

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by Dee74

I'm sorry you relapsed poppy - but I'm glad you 'owned up'.
I think this where SR works best

I guess I'll ask it....what are you going to do differently 'to quit for good'?
D

You shouldn't have asked, because I don't think I'll do anything differently. I have to make sure I don't get hungry, thirsty or tired, and if that does happen I'll have to find it in me to drink water. I'm hoping not drinking will become as much a habit as drinking was.

[Dee74]

I don't mind asking, as long as you don't mind me saying that doing something over again that plainly didn't work doesn't seem very logical.

People do get hungry angry thirsty and tired...whatever - you will be tempted again CP.
I hope you tweak it a bit.

They're a good bunch here - pick their brains

D

[lunarise]

Poppy~

Im not the punishing kind either. You know what you did and why you did you it. You know better now so you can do better next time. Be kind to your body. I think the best thing we can do to prevent relapse is to be very self aware. Keep checking in with yourself and often. Self care takes practice and patience.

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by Dee74

I don't mind asking, as long as you don't mind me saying that doing something over again that plainly didn't work doesn't seem very logical.

People do get hungry angry thirsty and tired...whatever - you will be tempted again CP.
I hope you tweak it a bit.

They're a good bunch here - pick their brains

D

Ahhh, but it was working until it didn't. I'll be tempted again and again, that I know, but I will try picking the brains of the good bunch here, I was avoiding most forums, but I should probably read more on recovery, that will certainly help some.

[mistycshore]

Sorry, Poppy. I there with you. got plowed yesterday.

I just made an appointment with doc. I thought I might get in in a couple days, but they want me there in an hour. Yikes. I'm pretty sure they'll confirm my diagnosis of alcoholic neuropathy. and then I don't know what will happen.

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by mistycshore

Sorry, Poppy. I there with you. got plowed yesterday.

I just made an appointment with doc. I thought I might get in in a couple days, but they want me there in an hour. Yikes. I'm pretty sure they'll confirm my diagnosis of alcoholic neuropathy. and then I don't know what will happen.

OH misty, I'm sorry too, for both of us, but we'll lick it, just crawl back up on the wagon and this time we'll hang on! Let me know what the doctor says, and what you plan on doing.

[siamcat]

Punish no, but, every (EVERY) slip is an opportunity to learn for the future. What did the Russians do after the Nazi drive to Moscow?* They didn't give up, berate themselves for their weaknesses, they allowed the natural impetus to run out, relied on their treacherous winter to stop the advance, and turned right around in the campaigns of '42 and used the German tactics (your AV's tactics) against them, they still lost many battles afterwards, but eventually it led to the encirclement of the sixth army at Stalingrad and the turning point in the war. So, how can you use YOUR AV's tactics against it? How can you learn from this invasion into your rationality? How can you encircle their army next time? Trap it starving in the tumultuous city of your mind and eventually send it off to your psychic Siberia to work for YOU? Learn learn LEARN from this poppy! This won't be your last battle, you may lose some more along the way, but, as long as you are aware and willing to learn from each battle, take on the tactics and use them against your AV, you will, (I promise), eventually win this war! ((((CaliforniaPoppy))))

*pardon my compulsive historical analogies > big dork here

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by siamcat

Punish no, but, every (EVERY) slip is an opportunity to learn for the future. What did the Russians do after the Nazi drive to Moscow?* They didn't give up, berate themselves for their weaknesses, they allowed the natural impetus to run out, relied on their treacherous winter to stop the advance, and turned right around in the campaigns of '42 and used the German tactics (your AV's tactics) against them, they still lost many battles afterwards, but eventually it led to the encirclement of the sixth army at Stalingrad and the turning point in the war. So, how can you use YOUR AV's tactics against it? How can you learn from this invasion into your rationality? How can you encircle their army next time? Trap it starving in the tumultuous city of your mind and eventually send it off to your psychic Siberia to work for YOU? Learn learn LEARN from this poppy! This won't be your last battle, you may lose some more along the way, but, as long as you are aware and willing to learn from each battle, take on the tactics and use them against your AV, you will, (I promise), eventually win this war! ((((CaliforniaPoppy))))

*pardon my compulsive historical analogies > big dork here

Well, I'm not going to wait for winter, but that would definitely help. Thanks for the encouragement, just one little thing, what's AV? (I don't do abbreviations and I can't read sms messages, now who's the dork?) I'll have to ponder what happened a little longer before I can figure out how to learn from my errors.

[siamcat]

AV is your Addictive Voice. It's the voice that convinces you that drinking is a GREAT idea right now! It's the voice the justifies drinking every time you do it. It's the voice that gives you excuses, holds your hand all the way to the liquor store, tells you this is what you NEED and it's familiar and comfortable and 'hey, we DESERVE a drink today right poppy? we are doing great being sober, we should have a treat, it's ok it's ok it's ok, no one will hate you, you won't hate yourself, it's just ONE or two glasses right? it's just a little relaxation right?' In other words, it's that lieing b*tch in your head, the one who tells you she's your friend whilst scheming behind your back, the one who has a bag of tricks up her sleeve for every new tactic you learn to fight her, she's the one you must learn to stategize against, separate from your SV (Sober Voice) so that you can more clearly distinguish between the two, she's the one you must learn to distract yourself from when she starts screaming and demanding really funking loudly and obnoxiously! And she will get more and more desperate to stay alive the harder and more successfully you fight her Poppy. She will use every trick in the book to stay alive, she needs alcohol to stay alive, it's her food, she lives through hurting YOU, through compromising your health and your sanity and distorting your rationality. She's the girl who takes over when you drink. Stop her, we'll help you, write out what you were feeling and thinking before you drank, and we can distract you from her together here, once you distinguish who is who, it becomes easier to fight, imo. ((((poppy)))) Be soft with yourself today, slips can be helpful if you learn from them, take it as a lesson not a failure.

[siamcat]

Oh and the pondering thing, yes, ponder ponder away, i know hangover days suck like that, but, I really think it's helpful just to write an account of it IMMEDIATELY so that you capture all the emotions and false logic that led up to it. The emotional attachments you give to certain AV excuses is especially important I think. Anyway, what I do, is write down immediately all that I can while it's fresh, and then try to leave it completely for a day or two, just be done with it, knowing it's there for my scrutinization when I'm ready.

[Zencat]

No harsh love form me as well...just support and concern. Maybe bookmark the SMART Recovery (SR) Tool Chest and Homework for easy reference. I find the SR tools to be very helpful when a urge to drug hits.

Each day is a new beginning. I think its helpful to look at life that way in general.

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by Dee74

I guess I'll ask it....what are you going to do differently 'to quit for good'?
D

I think I found something Dee, relapse preventive self talk. That would have helped, because as you suggested, I will definitely run into those triggers again I'll start preparing that.

[jamdls]

Ok, shame on you! 3 lashes with a wet noodle~!

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and start moving forward. People talk about 'triggers' but heck every drunk I've ever known, myself included, everything was a trigger-good days bad days happy times sad times heck breathing was a trigger. If you want to stop then you stop, yes many need professional detox but after that it is up to you and you alone. When you relapse the person you are hurting is yourself, why let alcohol or your DOC win? they are in-animate objects and hopefully you are not.

[Gypsy Feet]

just hugs from me poppy. Your one of my favorites around here, so I am sooper glad you didn't fall off the deep end and ditch us forever.

be good to yourself, you are wonderful.

p.s. Do you think maybe the cold showers, giving up sweetners and quitting booze all at the same time makes it harder? I'd go nuts if I couldnt have my diet dr. pepper

[OceanBound]

Thank you for sharing, poppy. Please don't beat yourself up. Many of us relapsed or at least considered relapsing. Learn from it and move forward. And if artificial sweeteners help you now, go for it. Better than booze for sure. What I discovered for myself is sugar-free cranberry juice with sparkling water makes me feel better about not picking up liquor. So create new non-drinking routines for the situations when you normally drank before.

Good luck!
OB

[Aysha]

I am a chronic relapser so I really have nothing magnifisent to say.
I only dole out the toughness when someone points fingers everywhere but at themselves. But I never do it in a mean way.
And you havent done that. So no tough comments from me either.

All I can add is just keep trying. Learn everything you can from it.
And I agree with Dee. You have to do something different. Or you will more than likely come up with the same results.
It is rare for anyone to make it just by idling and not changing something.
Just hang in there and always try again.

[Freepath]

Okay, I’ll be the black sheep. One session of chastisement coming up. Let’s see…whips? Face slap? Ooooooo …spanking! Everybody take turns spanking californiapoppy!

Hey, I think relapse comes with the whole sobriety goal. Most people don’t succeed the first time out. But I think that you need to ask yourself some questions.

What was the reason that you thought it was acceptable to drink again? Does that reason still exist? Was it rationalization or was it hopelessness based upon real problems? Are you doing anything to address those problems? Would it matter to your sobriety if you tried and failed to address those problems?

Quitting drinking offers no assurance that your life will be any better. It only offers the assurance that you will be sober. Your life might get worse. It’s not a question of life definitely getting better because you quit drinking. That will not necessarily happen. You will get hungry, tired, thirsty, uptight, too hot, angry, lonely, and all of the other negative feelings and situations that life can bring. People will die, you may lose money, whatever.

Never underestimate the power of the first drink. You can lull yourself into a false sense of assurance that you are now a social or moderate drinker. You may very well succeed at being a social or moderate drinker, right up until you fall back into patterns of being unable to control when you drink or how much you drink.

I think you are definitely doing the right thing coming here seeking support and ideas. Unequivocally, you have both.

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

just hugs from me poppy. Your one of my favorites around here, so I am sooper glad you didn't fall off the deep end and ditch us forever.

be good to yourself, you are wonderful.

p.s. Do you think maybe the cold showers, giving up sweetners and quitting booze all at the same time makes it harder? I'd go nuts if I couldnt have my diet dr. pepper

Those cold showers are tough! But I do feel great afterwards. Giving up artificial sweeteners was easy, but probably not smart. They're back, as back up. Thanks Lisa ! There's no way I'm going to ditch you either ! You're stuck with me through the good and the bad, preferably less of the latter.

[californiapoppy]

Originally Posted by Freepath

Okay, I’ll be the black sheep. One session of chastisement coming up. Let’s see…whips? Face slap? Ooooooo …spanking! Everybody take turns spanking californiapoppy!

Hey, I think relapse comes with the whole sobriety goal. Most people don’t succeed the first time out. But I think that you need to ask yourself some questions.

What was the reason that you thought it was acceptable to drink again? Does that reason still exist? Was it rationalization or was it hopelessness based upon real problems? Are you doing anything to address those problems? Would it matter to your sobriety if you tried and failed to address those problems?

Quitting drinking offers no assurance that your life will be any better. It only offers the assurance that you will be sober. Your life might get worse. It’s not a question of life definitely getting better because you quit drinking. That will not necessarily happen. You will get hungry, tired, thirsty, uptight, too hot, angry, lonely, and all of the other negative feelings and situations that life can bring. People will die, you may lose money, whatever.

Never underestimate the power of the first drink. You can lull yourself into a false sense of assurance that you are now a social or moderate drinker. You may very well succeed at being a social or moderate drinker, right up until you fall back into patterns of being unable to control when you drink or how much you drink.

I think you are definitely doing the right thing coming here seeking support and ideas. Unequivocally, you have both.

I agree with you, but this is not my first relapse, I've been trying to quit drinking for a very long time without success. I'm sure I didnt think it was acceptable to drink, I just wanted to drink, I didn't even take the time to think about it. That's what I have to do. And I have to have something prepared that I can tell myself that will make me think just long enough to pick up a diet coke and and piece of bread. That's the new plan. My life, however, will be much much better without alcohol. It's great now, I have no real problems except alcohol and the first glass that leads to 10 or more.

And I know I'm doing the right thing coming here, because the good ideas for help keep flowing in, thanks to all.

[mistycshore]

Poppy, I'm hoping you have a better day today.

[Aysha]

I think relapse comes with the whole sobriety goal.

Just my opinion. Although I do believe that it is rare for anyone to get it the first time. When someone says that relapse is a part of recovery. That says to me that it is ok to relapse because thats what has to happen in order to get recovery. Relapse isnt a part of recovery. And just saying that. Which I have heard alot just sounds like the perfect excuse to use one more time. Just my opinion.