Torn

[doorknob]

Well, I had already started drinking again, but the night before last I went out to karaoke and drank this time (it's been a while) and we got invited to an after-party. I met a guy who is in a hip hop group in my area and liked my rappin, and we played Rock Band till 5 AM. I honestly had more fun than I've had in a long time, but of course, the next day I felt like:

[doorknob]

And talk about timing.. I had to drag my sorry a$$ in to see my social worker that morning... she not real happy wit me.

[desertdonna]

Originally Posted by doorknob

I honestly had more fun than I've had in a long time, but of course, the next day I felt like:

I don't know about anyone else, but it's been pretty obvious that you've been drinking and applying the MM program once again, Paul.

Just from my own experience, it's always fun (seemingly) until it isn't anymore. I think we delude ourselves thinking that it's the chemical that greases our fun/good time wheels which in turn stokes our egos. The next day is the sad reminder.

I guess the only action you can do is find out for yourself.

Much love,

Donna

[stone]

Hi Paul, what can I say? If it was still fun for me I would still be doing it, no qualms. The only problem is it stopped being fun about ten years ago and I am what....44 days sober? That's ten years of no fun at all, a lot of misery in fact.

[SelfSeeking]

Hey... you've been missed around these parts. Dunno what else to say. Hm... I third it, it's fun til it's not.

[doorknob]

Originally Posted by desertdonna

I don't know about anyone else, but it's been pretty obvious that you've been drinking and applying the MM program once again, Paul.

I certainly wasn't trying to hide it, but was trying not to flaunt it either. I know that there are times when I'm sober and others go back out that I feel tempted.

[ananda]

aawwww DK (hug)

so....yep, i've heard about this before and been there....it's possible that at some level it can be fun...but it was truley more awful than fun for me the last go around.

Stanley cup finals with a few beers....that peaceful feeling, sitting on the back pourch 1/2 toasted....looking out of my beautiful garden i'd spent years perfecting, a nice drink at the end of a sucessful work day to relax...

Unfortuantley...after that first spring...I never stayed awake long enough to see another hocky game, That beautiful yard turned to sht....no flowers, grass in sad shape, all my roses and lilies gone, and i forgot somewhere along the line what a sucessful day at work was...just more drudge through a meaningless job for me.

Once that seductive quality of "fun" has snuck into the drinking and using...i'm not sure how you get it turned around back to sobriety. By the time i realized i wasn't having fun anymore I was so into the physical side of the addiction it took me years to finally manage to get sober again

Stay as safe as you can and get back as quick as you can (hug) LY

[desertdonna]

Originally Posted by doorknob

I certainly wasn't trying to hide it, but was trying not to flaunt it either. I know that there are times when I'm sober and others go back out that I feel tempted.

I don't know what you mean by this. If you are saying that you've given in to temptation or slipped, fine. It happens to many. You've been trudging this road here on SR since 2005. Others have also, and that's fine, too.

Staying sober isn't easy for any of us. It's damn hard at times. But that's what we do here, support one another in staying sober because we know what the alternative brings. It's a long haul, but that's what most of us here are in it for.

It's up to you, Paul. What do you want? How are you going to live the most authentic life possible? If it's drinking and smoking pot, that's your choice. Sure, we'll miss your clever little quips here and there. But we'll also miss getting to know the real you and watching you grow, celebrating your victories and being here for you when the going is tough.

Sorry, I'm not in the mood for pleasant jousting regarding this subject, as I've seen too much destruction lately from the wonderful world of chemical dependency to make light of it.

I hope you find your way, my friend.

Donna

[doorknob]

Originally Posted by desertdonna

I don't know what you mean by this. If you are saying that you've given in to temptation or slipped, fine. It happens to many. You've been trudging this road here on SR since 2005. Others have also, and that's fine, too.

I was just saying that I sometimes fear bringing others down with me. I didn't "slip", I quite consciously chose to go back.

Staying sober isn't easy for any of us. It's damn hard at times. But that's what we do here, support one another in staying sober because we know what the alternative brings. It's a long haul, but that's what most of us here are in it for.

It's up to you, Paul. What do you want? How are you going to live the most authentic life possible? If it's drinking and smoking pot, that's your choice. Sure, we'll miss your clever little quips here and there. But we'll also miss getting to know the real you and watching you grow, celebrating your victories and being here for you when the going is tough.

Sorry, I'm not in the mood for pleasant jousting regarding this subject, as I've seen too much destruction lately from the wonderful world of chemical dependency to make light of it.

I'm certainly not trying to make light of substance use, just trying to figure out what I really want.

I hope you find your way, my friend.

Thanks, me too!

[desertdonna]

That's good, Paul. Just remember if you choose to continue with that lifestyle, you have no business here.

Be well.

[stone]

That was a bit unnecessary Donna.....

Paul, you need to sit down and think about what you wanna do, if you are an alkie/addict whatever, then drinking/using is always gonna bite you in the arse.

Normal people can have a wild night and get away with it...we can't, not for long anyway. So if you think you are an alkie/addict then you know you are heading for trouble if you choose to carry on. It is your choice.

[Katie09]

Originally Posted by desertdonna

That's good, Paul. Just remember if you choose to continue with that lifestyle, you have no business here.

Be well.

Excuse me?! He has as much business being here as you do! He may be confused at the moment. When in active substance abuse, we are all confused!

[ananda]

mmmm....not sure i agree with that....

I think anyone who thinks they might like to or need to get sober and anyone suffering from alchoholism should feel welcome here. And i guess i don't think it is my place to say someone doesn't belong. There's many I would like to say that to, but i don't and i know there are those who would like to say i don't belong in certain threads, but it isn't thier decision to make.

I sometimes think i I had found SR earlier in my drinking I might not have had to stay in the bottle quite so long.

DK...if you think sobriety is what you may need in your life, please hang around.

[Katie09]

Paul, we all have things in life that get to us. Sometimes good things - other times bad things. I think you might be happier sober, but what do I know? The only thing I know for sure is that it is healthier to not drink. Thank you so much for posting your thread. Hugs, Katie.

[stone]

Originally Posted by ananda

DK...if you think sobriety is what you may need in your life, please hang around.

Yes.

[doorknob]

I admit that I started looking up how to close out my account... I'll just read for a while (like I had been doing for the most part).

[stone]

Originally Posted by doorknob

I admit that I started looking up how to close out my account... I'll just read for a while (like I had been doing for the most part).

The title of your post says "torn", so you are struggling, wanting to drink but knowing it is a bad idea? We have all felt like that, it is par for the course, mate. Stick around please. You don't have to be already recovered (or even sober) to post on a recovery board! LOL

[ananda]

DK

If you still believe you are or might be an alchohoic or adict....i hope you will not close your account and will continue to read here, and post when you need to (hug)

Please stay safe and I hope you decide to hang around while your head clears out (hug)

[Katie09]

Originally Posted by doorknob

I admit that I started looking up how to close out my account... I'll just read for a while (like I had been doing for the most part).

Don't shut down please. I value your input so highly. You would be missed! Please stick around and PLEASE do post.

[desertdonna]

I'm sorry, Paul, and I'm not meaning to be harsh.

We can be undecided and be welcome and have support. But you are the one who stated that maybe you want that lifestyle. I have always supported anyone who is at least trying to put the beast away. And I have always supported you, Paul, and you know that. But I'm not here to try to convince someone that they should live without the booze and the baggies. That's a waste of time. There are far too many people who are desperate enough to want it and need encouragement. I talk with them every day.

Again, I apologize if my words came across as dispassionate. And you know that if you want sobriety I am your biggest champion.

Donna

[stone]

We can be undecided and be welcome and have support. But you are the one who stated that maybe you want that lifestyle.

I think "maybe" means undecided, Donna. It certainly doesn't mean decided does it?

[Katie09]

Originally Posted by stone

I think "maybe" means undecided, Donna. It certainly doesn't mean decided does it?

I don't think Donna quite phrased it that way (see above)- but whatever.

The main priority is that Doorknob feels safe here and that he remains an active part of the SR community, as he is highly valued.

[bugsworth]

Ya know I can think of a couple of threads here at SR that have actively drinking participants...maybe those threads should be deleted. Declaring day 1 12 times in a month is actively drinking it is not relapsing. Everyone belongs here...no exceptions.

DK...you know I have a tremendous affection for you...you always make me smile. I want you to take a serious look down the road to where drinking will lead you...it's an ugly bumpy road full of potholes and roadblocks. You are better than that...you have proved time and time again you can quit...maybe it is time to make some additional changes. I have faith in you...have some in yourself.

[NoelleR]

1) Many alcoholics go to AA with a desire to quit drinking, and AA welcomes them with open arms;
2) Many alcoholics w/o a desire to quit drinking go to AA (court-ordered perhaps), and AA doesn't tell them they don't belong there;
3) Many non-alcoholics with a desire to quit drinking go to AA (open meetings, at least), and AA doesn't tell them they don't belong there;
4) Many non-alcoholics w/o a desire to quit drinking go to AA (open meetings, at least), and AA doesn't tell them they do not belong there.

SR is just a recovery website, with message boards, blogs, and chat rooms, and they don't even have guidelines as strict (sic) as AA, therefore, NOBODY here, especially no member, has the right to tell anybody else that they do not belong on this site.....(barring 'terrorrists' or maliscious folks [stalkers and the like], of course).

DK, you are welcome here, at least by moi, and by a lot of others, if this thread is to be believed.....lol Feel free to just lurk and read, and/or post your questions any time.....good heavens, how is one expected to learn if he/she can't ask questions.....? If you're feeling a bit hesitant regarding posdting, feel free to 'PM' or e-mail me (see my profile for that). I'm always open for questions and throwin' out my ES&H.....Well, I may not be open all hours, 24/7, but since I am a bit old, I'm online at all kinds of crazy houirs.....LOLOL

You take care DK....we're all here and rootin for ya (well, most of us anyway).


NoelleR

[Bamboozle]

Hey, DK. Please don't leave.



Every time I've relapsed was because I wanted to drink. I honestly can't say I'll never relapse again. I simply don't know. And if I do? I'll still be here at SR, and who cares what anyone might think about it?

I don't think you should worry about how your struggles may lead someone to relapse. In my opinion, I don't think that's what happens. People do what they want. I certainly have.

A very wise person, Dee, said that when you are struggling the most is when you need to be here the most. That's not an exact quote, but a very wise sentiment indeed.


Please stick around. Look, I don’t want you to stay for me or for anyone else here. Please stay for yourself.


I’m wishing you well.