What am I DOING?

[TryingSoHard]

Nevermind.

[Mariposa18]

Sister~ This post worries me. First of all toss the rest of those sleeping pills immediately, Please! You don't need me to tell you what a disaster waiting to happen pills can be.

Okay, you say you are the one everybody turns to and the one who takes care of everybody. Well Hon, you need to take care of yourself! I understand it's hard to do specially when we are in "self-destruct" mode. I know I get in moods where I feel that I'm always there for everybody else but nobody is ever there for me. Times when I take care of my Husband and Children and forget about myself. Those are the times when I'm most miserable.

Do you have any idea what it is you want to escape? Question, and I hope it doesn't sound f*cked up when I ask it. Do you think you want to do this to finally have someone worry and take care of you the way you do for them? Does that question make sense?

[Bamboozle]

TSH.......what's up?

[Zencat]

"What am I DOING?"...is a question that I have asked myself many a time.

[TryingSoHard]

Wow, Mari, you're fast.

[Bamboozle]

...

[TryingSoHard]

Originally Posted by Mariposa18

Sister~ This post worries me. First of all toss the rest of those sleeping pills immediately, Please! You don't need me to tell you what a disaster waiting to happen pills can be.

Okay, you say you are the one everybody turns to and the one who takes care of everybody. Well Hon, you need to take care of yourself! I understand it's hard to do specially when we are in "self-destruct" mode. I know I get in moods where I feel that I'm always there for everybody else but nobody is ever there for me. Times when I take care of my Husband and Children and forget about myself. Those are the times when I'm most miserable.

I feel like there are two parts of me, arguing. There's the part that just wants to say F it all and give in, and there's the part that screams, "Snap out of it! What are you doing? This is crazy and you know it. Shape up!" I know I haven't completely lost my marbles because even when I'm loopy and out of it that rational part of my brain speaks up.

I DO feel like I'm in self-destruct mode. I'm isolating, both here and in real life. I've lost my passion for a lot of things I used to enjoy in life.

Do you have any idea what it is you want to escape? Question, and I hope it doesn't sound f*cked up when I ask it. Do you think you want to do this to finally have someone worry and take care of you the way you do for them? Does that question make sense?

Maybe in some sick way, on some childish level, that is what I want. I don't know. I'm just tired of having to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE.

My husband is a gem to me and he loves me like crazy, but he's kind of a wishy-washy wimp about life in general. He complains A LOT and is never willing to take any action about whatever he's complaining about. A lot of times I wish I could just tell him to grow a pair and be a man.

Now it sounds like I'm just making excuses. I don't know how to get my point across properly. I'm sorry.

[gneiss]

TSH, I kinda wished you hadn't taken this post down because it was so good to read it! A few weeks ago I found myself in a bar, buying drugs, driving home drunk, and almost getting arrested for it. And I thought, the whole time, WHAT AM I DOING?!?! What the frack is wrong with me? I'm doing well, have a number of things going for me, and I seem determined to chuck it all out the window. I dunno, maybe it was just nice to read that I wasn't alone.

Toss the sleeping pills, doll! That's not improving things, that's switching to a different addiction. And the best advice I have been given recently: Take care of yourself, and don't feel guilty for it. I love ya, TSH.

[Bamboozle]

TSH, please forgive me if I've forgotten (I've killed many brain cells, seriously) or you've covered this before. If you have a therapist, please give her/him a call now.

It helps to unload on someone else.

[TryingSoHard]

I don't have one.

I don't know how to find one that's worth a darn. My previous method of choosing one at random from my insurance list has resulted in 2 failed attempts at therapy. I don't know if I have the energy to throw a dart at the wall again.

[Bamboozle]

Any friends or aquaintences who can recommend? Call some up and interview? Is there some kind of database that keeps track of complaints? Know what you want and expect from a therapist and keep a list close by when you inquery.

[Mariposa18]

Okay, do not apologize for feeling a certain way. One thing I've noticed is how often we say "I'm sorry" when we've done nothing wrong, kwim?

I can relate to that feeling of not enjoying things anymore. Of losing that "zest for life" if you want to call it that. It doesn't sound to me like you are making excuses, and yes I would tell you if I thought you were. It may very well be that you and Hubby are feeding off each other right now. He complains, you want to shut him up but can't so feel the need to escape. Is that part of it?

See here's the thing. I know a lot of us were taught that as women we were *supposed* to put everyone first. That as mother's and wives we come last. But I've noticed that those of us who do that end up NEVER putting ourselves on that list of important people and then feel miserable and unappreciated. I'm slowly learning that I don't have to do everything for everyone if it means putting myself last. It's hard, it makes me feel selfish at times. But when I take time to do something for myself, like go for a bike ride, it gives me time alone to think. It allows me to clear my head and come home feeling better.

I feel you on the complaining, I don't like that either. Have you tried telling him, nicely of course, that he is complaining too much?

[TryingSoHard]

I deleted my original post almost immediately after posting it because I suddenly felt very vulnerable and exposed, and wasn't sure I wanted y'all knowing this ugly truth about me. Seems like a couple of people managed to read it anyway, so I'll post it again - at least as best as I can remember it, since I didn't copy it before deleting it.

~~~~~~

I seem bound and determined to self-destruct.

I am one week shy of having six months of sobriety. Instead of feeling happier and healthier, I feel sicker and more depressed.

I am, for all practical purposes, back to all of my "old me" daily routines, except for hitting the gym 3 - 4 times a week (I need to start that back up, I just can't find the motivation). I take care of everyone who needs taking care of, I do everything that needs to be done, I go places that need to be gone to... you get the picture. Being back in these old routines is reminding me why I used to want to drink so much and what I wanted to escape.

I'm the one everyone turns to. I'm The Strong One. I'm The Grown Up. I'm the Dependable One, the one who can Make it All Better. I know who to call, what to say, and where to go. I've been called SuperMom, SuperWoman, and been told that Martha Stewart's got nothin on me. On the outside, my life probably looks pretty darn perfect: I live in a big, pretty house in a nice neighborhood, we have 2 nice cars, 2 handsome, intelligent sons, 2 dogs, I don't have to work, and so on and so on and so on.

On the inside I feel like no one understands. No one sees the REAL me or knows what my REAL life is like, and no one really cares about where *I* fit in to all of this business of taking care of everyone else. If I'm the one who fixes everyone else's problems, who is left to help me with mine?

So, I've started looking for any non-booze alternative I can find to give myself a little bit of numbess and escape. I've started taking some expired sleeping pills that I've had for a couple of years. To my surprise, I've found I get a pretty healthy buzz if I take 2 or 3. I don't know how many I took the other night but they caused me to act like I'd been drinking, and I even wound up blacking out. It hasn't stopped me.

So all I can say is, WHAT am I DOING?

[TryingSoHard]

But hey... I'm not drinking.

:wtf2

[gneiss]

Originally Posted by Mariposa18

Okay, do not apologize for feeling a certain way. One thing I've noticed is how often we say "I'm sorry" when we've done nothing wrong, kwim?

At my first job, when I was 16, one of the first things they told us in training is Don't Apologize If It Is Not Your Fault. So, don't you start apologizing for feeling how you do. Its taken me a long time not to apologize for legitimate feelings because my parents basically were of the opinion I didn't have legit feelings (or at least they acted that way). But please please please never feel guilty for feeling how you do!!!

Originally Posted by Mariposa18

See here's the thing. I know a lot of us were taught that as women we were *supposed* to put everyone first.

Caretaker roles are silly. We're supposed to take care of each other, not one person take care of everyone else.

And again, I love ya.

[Bamboozle]

TSH, I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like there's some kind of mental illness/distress thing going on coupled with addiction. It is so hard to deal with this alone. You need an outlet. Maybe you need an outlet other than SR. I think SR is a great supplement.....but...........when it comes to mental health issues.....could you ask your primary care physician for a good reference? If you are getting to a breaking point, it is so very imperative to get help pronto.

Maybe I'm talking out of my a$$. I'm sorry if this doesn't help.

[gneiss]

That's a reasonable facsimile. And good job on the not drinking. Keep it up!

[Mariposa18]

I agree with Bam and Gneiss My Sister. And to be honest I've been thinking of finding someone to speak to about things I'm trying to deal with as well. I had a very bad experience a few years ago and that's left me gun-shy. However, as hard as it may be, I think it's imperative we do so. How else are we going to become whole?

[Rob B]

Originally Posted by TryingSoHard

But hey... I'm not drinking.

:wtf2

You will be soon if things don't change. Sound like you are suffering from untreated alcoholism, I say this after experiencing the exact same feelings yoú described. Alcohol has never been my problem, it is my solution, it fixes the internal malady that you have described. I have tried to use all kinds of external remedies to fix an internal condition.

Funny thing about alcoholism is that just not drinking never fixed what was really wrong with me, it actually made it worse, because my only solution had been taken away from me. I truly hope you find something to change your inner condition. feel free to PM if you want to discuss this further, I also appreciate your honesty and courage that it took to show your vulnerability, I know first hand how hard that is.

[Zencat]

TryingSoHard it sounds like to me you may be over loaded with the responsibility's of being the 'strong one' in a time when you are in crisis. Could it be your are feeling incapable of keeping up the front of being a super mom. Maybe your feeling and the pills take that ingenue feeling away so you can continue to ignore that you may be pretending that you have 'it all together'.

I don't know really...these are just some thoughts that come to mind as I read your post...I may be way off. I hope you continue exploring 'what am I doing'.

[Mariposa18]

Just a thought Girl, but have you ever checked out the Codependency thread over on the Newcomer's Daily Threads? I began reading it a while back and let me tell you it's helped me a lot! Sometimes we take on "roles" and we feel we have to be a certain person or a certain way in order to fulfill that. I think that's one of the reasons so many of us have a hard time asking for help or admitting we feel overwhelmed. Are you an only child? If not are you the oldest? I am and therefore I've been put in that "responsible and strong one" role. I feel it leaves me no room to fall apart...

[TryingSoHard]

I'm an only child. And very often situations come up where I feel like, "If I don't do it, it just won't get done". That, to me, is a lose-lose situation.

[Mariposa18]

Yes it is a lose-lose. Mainly because that's when we lose ourselves! I'm working on this now too, so I won't even try to sound like I have all the answers! lol At times I've had to stop myself from doing and thought "If I don't do this what's the worse that can happen?" Most of the time the worst is that *somebody else* doesn't get their way, very seldom is it imperative that we do what is being asked of us!

I'm learning to say No and yes it's very hard. I have such a need to please others I often forget about myself. Not healthy! Let's think of it this way, what are we teaching our Kids if they see us pushing ourselves to the back burner all the time? They will eventually do the same thing to themselves and continue to repeat this pattern. We have to find a better way...

[Dee74]

hey TSH,

I duuno whether you'll be drinking soon...it doesn't really matter...taking a drug and using it for something it's not intended to do, to get a buzz, is pretty much just a different boat on that same old sea ...and a pretty clear signal that things are not all happy in TSHville.

For what it's worth I don't think you're losing yr mind or anything, no more than any of us do when we turn to the dark side anyway.

So it's been 6 months (which is freaky enough - really?) What's changed for the better - and I don't mean for your kids or your husband, I mean for you?

If you can't think of much, you need to start focusing on yourself and what you want.

If you're anything like me, you're a giver...but what happens when the giving is no longer enough, or it's neverending?....even givers need to take.

I still feel a little guilty writing that sentence - it's hard to think of *me*, even harder to put myself ahead of others, but it's necessary, or I'll break...and probably go back to what I used to do to avoid stress....

so sometimes things don't get done, or they get done late. You don't die - trust me. I'm not being flippant either - it's a question of what's most important here.

You need to do some big thinking, TSH. What do you want, where do you want to be, what fills the 'hole' for you?

What are the reasons - beyond being there for others - that you want to be sober for?

I'm around to kick the can a little if you need. But the most immediate thing you need to do is flush those old pills....do it now, mate.

D

[coffeenut]

Lots of good advice here, TSH....just want to add...Please keep in mind that at 'anniversaries' some people use it as a time to relapse. Could this be some of the problem?

Also, I know you bought a lot of books on alcoholism....get them out again. Reread.

I wish I could make you feel better. Working through this, is going to make you stronger. You've got it. Breathe.